Diapers Off! (Season One)

We open by responding to a listener’s comment about the double-edged sword of male self-reliance: the better one is at solving personal problems, the harder it becomes to ask for help. Later, we raise the obvious question, “Why can a man date much younger and be fulfilled, but it’s rare we see the reverse – a woman dating a much younger guy?” We didn’t resolve the question, so please comment with your thoughts. Next, we look at a popular blog post on WaitbutWhy.com that explains why Gen Y’ers are so unhappy. Unrealistic expectations and unmet demands come back to bite these youngsters in the ass… Perhaps, as Warren Buffett advocates, living a life of low expectations is the answer. Finally, we discuss the hurdle of “preciousness” in the creative process. Pete shares a powerful epiphany after witnessing a freak death and Paul finally learns the meaning of “Meet where the work is.”

It’s the acronym episode! Pete and Paul start the show with a discussion of N.P.D. (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), admitting that they and some of their friends have the symptoms discussed. N.P.D. can limit relationships and romance, but there is power in its attitudes and beliefs – a power that propels many to celebrity and business success. Paul discloses how his playboy life in NYC encouraged such narcissism. The guys move on to G.A.F (Global Assessment of Functioning) a scale previously used by psychiatrists and psychologists to evaluate incoming patients. With ten bands that describe levels of personal functioning, the G.A.F. scale provides a sobering reminder of life’s range of outcomes and the scourge of mental illness. We end with a discussion of P.T.S.D. (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), often exacerbated by men’s reluctance to seek help. The male attitude of “self-reliance”, coupled with machismo and certain “alpha” environments (e.g. military) make it hard for men to ask for help and show vulnerability.

Are students at the UK’s most prestigious universities more likely than their American counterparts to seek a career in the arts? Anecdotal evidence suggests that fewer of America’s top graduates are willing to take a gamble on a life in the theater, on camera, writing, or directing. In the UK, pursuit of the theatrical arts is celebrated, with many fine examples from the upper reaches of society: Benedict Cumberbatch, Eddie Redmayne, Tom Hiddleston. Acting in America appears to enjoy a more democratic intake. Why the difference? The men discuss. Then, Paul asks Where, or from whom, did men previously learn how to move through the different stages of life? What institutions and/or figures used to influence men? He speculates that direction used to come from the Church and from Fathers around the dinner table. Now, those influences are often missing from young men’s lives. Does the new freedom have a price? Finally, we discuss the 5-week UK drama, Dr. Foster. Paul came away impressed by the uniquely British view on sexual transgression. His read is that British commitment to the idea of “fairness” makes human failings, such as infidelity, hard to psychologically process. French and Spanish cultures would have made less of the events, it seems to Paul. The men discuss.

Daiyaan Caan, an old friend and the recent founder of Bizz stopped by to discuss ambition and what I call the “Billionaire Bust-Up!” Bizz is among the first fully-online business schools, and is set to launch this fall. Daiyaan is a 24-year old digital entrepreneur who’s been very successful in the online dating advice market, working on a freelance basis for many of the well-know names in the industry. On today’s show, he discusses how global ambition can hijack someone’s 20’s with the promise of untold riches. Paul describes how his 30’s taught him the value of adequate money, rather than the binary outcomes tantalizing young tech entrepreneurs: Billions or Bankruptcy. Pete, Daiyaan and Paul also discuss the difference between global ambitions (Facebook, Uber) and more local, personal ambitions (teaching, parenthood, civic responsibilities). Is there a way for us to have dignity even if we don’t aspire to change the world?

This week’s episode opens with the recipe to Paul’s mustard and mint chicken. The guys talk about their own love of cooking, when it developed, and how it’s a passionate expression of masculinity. Eventually, they move on to more serious topics. When faced with limited time and a long to-do list, do you “compress” or do you “cut”? A lot of harried urban dwellers try to cram all of life’s activities into 24-hours, and businesses are happy to oblige with ready meals, 30-minute workouts, sleep “hacks” and social media that hardly substitute for quality time with friends. Is this the right approach? Paul argues that it’s better to pare down your daily routine, making room for real engagement. But this requires that we know ourselves well and trust our choices. Pete observes that what is lost in this abbreviated world is “impact” and that when we’re young and less secure, we try to keep a lot of things in play, for fear of missing out. The discussion segues into the unique character traits that drive hyper-success, as seen in Steve Jobs and Sam Houser, founder of Rockstar Games. Pete examines the paradox of a man who was loved at a distance but often despised up-close. At the end of the episode, we return to the theme of commitment. In response to the common refrain “I’m too busy for a relationship; I’m focused on my career” Paul asks, “What is the difference between committing to a person and committing to an artistic or business project?” Interesting perspectives emerge.

What’s the hardest thing about growing up? Making changes BEFORE the pain comes… Paul talks about house-hunting 3 years early so he doesn’t end up getting priced-out of London when the rug-rats arrive. He’s seen it before in New York City: thirty-somethings falling off a cliff when they pair up and get pregnant; the unremitting costs of the city drive folks far afield. Peter identifies the fact that duty has become a part of Paul’s life, allowing him to put plans above immediate impulses. Duty drives excellence in many people, Pete observes. Does the AirBnB culture work against commitment? The guys discuss the tradeoffs between footloose living and putting down roots, concluding that a person can’t have his cake and eat it, too. “Own your choices,” Pete advises. Paul mentions Tribal Identity and how it often results from intense shared experience. The guys get sidetracked down the rabbit hole of Scientology. We end on Media of the Week: Paul’s into Nemesis: One Man and the Battle for Rio; Pete just finished watching The Men Who Built America.

Yad, dating coach and owner of Daygame.com, comes on the show to offer his views on monogamy, marriage, commitment and what I call “The Nomadic Life.” We discuss commitment to a relationship and what that means, particularly in the context of children. We also explore the origins of monogamy as a means of securely transferring private property. “Social Class” arises as a topic of discussion, both in regards to chasing “high-class” women, and with the observation that most PUA’s have working-class roots, making them natural-born hustlers. Late in the show, we discuss the tension between choices that require commitment and the impulse to lead an unfettered life; Paul makes the case that commitments (just like promises) matter most when we least want to keep them.

Peter and Paul open with a discussion of The Grant Study, which highlights the deep need all men have for friendship and connection. Given finite time and attention, tradeoffs are inevitable. Who gets the biggest slice: work, friends, family or wife? Discussing the difficulty of making new friends after 30, Paul makes the distinction between true friendship and “company” and identifies the compromises which lead to “forced friendship.” Is it true that social reach decreases as a person ages, and is this inevitable? The men tackle the issue. At halftime, Paul asks the question, “Can someone truly disappear in today’s society?” Ubiquitous CCTV, social media and surveillance technology, such as Google Earth, seem to make the prospect unlikely.

Do you “Burn Your Boats” as Aethilla did after the Trojan War, or do you hedge, keeping a handy Plan B in your back pocket? Peter and Paul discuss a life strategy of putting all your eggs in one basket. Responding to a listener’s comment, Peter and Paul discuss the “glass wall” men face in modern-day dating. In the olden days, a solid man was appreciated on his merit; today, it takes more to get a girl’s attention. Paul brings up The Big Chill and asks how intimacy can be maintained at a distance. This leads to the men advocating one-on-one discussions, which drive intimacy. We end on The Grant Study, a longitudinal study conceived in the late 1930’s, which tracked 268 Harvard men throughout their lives. A key finding was that relationships were all that mattered in the end, throwing into question our desperate striving for riches and recognition. Paul signs off with his thoughts on London versus New York City, in response to another listener enquiry.

Is the Dalai Lama full of shit? Peter and Paul question the credibility of someone who floats above the worldly concerns of romance and finance. Later, Peter asks, “Is achieving discipline nothing more than having a vivid imagination?” He argues that without a strong imagination it’s very difficult to be disciplined; we must be able to visualize the results we want in order to make the necessary sacrifices. Do “Reformed Rakes” make the best husbands? Paul discusses his personal transition and the perspective gained from years of reckless romancing. The episode ends with both men contemplating eternal bachelordom. Are some people designed to be permanently single, and if not, when is it “too late” to settle down?