If you've ever felt personally attacked by a four-year-old's lie or a teenager's eye roll, this episode is for you. A lot of parenting stress comes not from what our kids are actually doing, but from what we make it mean about us, and untangling those two things turns out to be one of the harder parts of raising kids.

What this episode covers:

- Why lying, defiance, and other frustrating kid behaviors are often normal developmental milestones, not signs that something is wrong with your child or your parenting

- The idea of co-development: that raising a child pushes the parent's own growth just as much as it shapes the kid's

- Why separating what's happening inside you from what your kid is actually doing is a skill, and one most of us never learned

- A real case where a parent's willingness to tolerate her own anxiety, not a change in her child's behavior, was what shifted a child's functioning

- What it looks like for parents to loosen control as kids move toward adulthood, and why that transition tests both sides of the relationship

This is the kind of pattern Jackie and Catherine help clients work through directly, whether it's showing up with kids, a partner, or both. If any of this sounds familiar, they offer a free 15-minute consultation to talk about what working on it could look like.

For more information about Aron Carlson or to contact him, visit his Psychology Today profile.

Free consultation: https://www.differentiatedlove.com/contact

Substack: https://differentiatedlove.substack.com?utm_source=navbar&utm_medium=web

Podcast: https://pod.link/1884143784?view=apps&sort=popularity

Chapters

00:00 Intro

01:38 Meet Aron Carlson

02:34 What co-development means

05:59 Why kids lie (and why it's not personal)

11:08 Separating your internal experience from your child's behavior

21:45 A real example: the child, the beds, and what actually changed

35:50 Navigating the teen years and letting go of control

42:57 Where to find Aron

To learn more about Jackie and Catherine's therapy and coaching services, and the work they do with individuals and couples, be sure to check out their website.

https://www.differentiatedlove.com/

https://www.candgtherapy.com/

https://www.catherineroebuck.com/

Music: Echoes by Roa https://soundcloud.com/roa_music1031

License: Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0 Unported — CC BY 3.0

Free Download / Stream: https://audiolibrary.com.co/roa-music/echoes

Music promoted by Audio Library: https://youtu.be/HCXJxHIkH8w

We're joined by Todd Bean, a couples therapist in Utah, who talks with us about the real cost of staying who our partner wants us to be instead of who we actually are.

In this episode:

- How validation-seeking shows up in relationships, and why sacrificing your own wants to "keep the peace" isn't actually peaceful

- Why sharing our real beliefs, desires, and interests with a partner can feel riskier than disagreeing about something smaller

- The two-choice dilemma Todd names directly: risk being honest about what you want, or stay safe and stagnant

- Todd's own story of growing up in the LDS church, coming out, and choosing when and how he'd let that experience change him

- A date night that didn't go as planned, where Todd got direct, unflattering feedback from his partner Bo, and what it took to actually hear it instead of defending himself

- Why getting honest feedback from a partner who has a front row seat on you is some of the most valuable data available for knowing yourself

To find out more about Todd, visit his Psychology Today profile.

This is the kind of work Jackie and Catherine do with clients regularly, helping people figure out how to be more themselves with the person they're closest to.

If this conversation is resonating, they offer a free 15-minute consultation to talk through what that could look like for you.

Free consultation

Substack

Podcast

00:00 Intro

00:52 Welcome and meeting Todd Bean

02:41 Authenticity and differentiation, how they connect

03:43 Validation-seeking and giving up parts of yourself to keep the peace

08:06 Hiding your real beliefs, desires, and interests from a partner

10:33 The two-choice dilemma: risk honesty or stay safe

13:14 Todd's story: growing up LDS and finding differentiation young

18:56 Coming out and leaving the church

20:28 The date night that surfaced hard truths about himself

28:47 Growing deeper in love over time instead of chasing the early spark

33:08 Getting honest feedback from a partner as valuable data

34:41 Why authenticity isn't just doing whatever comes naturally

36:13 Where to find Todd

To learn more about Jackie and Catherine's therapy and coaching services, and the work they do with individuals and couples, be sure to check out their website.

https://www.differentiatedlove.com/

https://www.candgtherapy.com/

https://www.catherineroebuck.com/

Music: Echoes by Roa https://soundcloud.com/roa_music1031

License: Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0 Unported — CC BY 3.0

Free Download / Stream: https://audiolibrary.com.co/roa-music/echoes

Music promoted by Audio Library: https://youtu.be/HCXJxHIkH8w

Sometimes one partner in a relationship insists everything is fine emotionally and sexually, while the other partner is quietly unhappy, lonely, or wanting more. It can look like a difference in how much each person wants. It's often something else: a position of power that the "fine" partner doesn't fully realize they're holding.

What this episode covers:

- Why compartmentalizing a relationship, staying stable and unchanged while investing energy elsewhere in parenting, career, or something outside the marriage, can feel safer than facing what's missing

- How staying in the lower desire position gives someone control over the terms of connection, deciding when and whether closeness happens

- What years of pursuing a partner who won't reciprocate actually costs the person doing the pursuing, and why that strategy eventually stops working

- The question underneath "I'm fine": what would I lose if I let myself want more here, and what am I protecting myself from by not asking

- Why some couples can work through this gridlock and others hit real limits in compatibility, and how to tell the difference

This is a dynamic Jackie and Catherine work through with clients often, and if it's landing for you, they offer a free 15-minute consultation to talk about what that could look like for your relationship.

Free consultation: https://www.differentiatedlove.com/contact | Substack: https://differentiatedlove.substack.com?utm_source=navbar&utm_medium=web | Podcast: https://pod.link/1884143784?view=apps&sort=popularity

00:00 Intro

01:20 Welcome and today's topic

02:18 When "I'm fine" is about compartmentalization

08:08 The power and control in unequal desire

12:14 What the low desire partner risks facing

16:47 Discouragement about the relationship's potential

20:05 Midlife shifts and growing into more connection

27:17 Confidence, vision, and believing change is possible

35:16 Working with couples stuck in "I'm fine"

38:42 Closing thoughts on collusion and growth

To learn more about Jackie and Catherine's therapy and coaching services, and the work they do with individuals and couples, be sure to check out their website.

https://www.differentiatedlove.com/

https://www.candgtherapy.com/

https://www.catherineroebuck.com/

Music: Echoes by Roa https://soundcloud.com/roa_music1031

License: Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0 Unported — CC BY 3.0

Free Download / Stream: https://audiolibrary.com.co/roa-music/echoes

Music promoted by Audio Library: https://youtu.be/HCXJxHIkH8w

This week we talk with Dr. Anna Elton, licensed marriage and family therapist, certified sex therapist, and author of the upcoming book The Formula of Desire, about what's actually going on when desire fades in relationships that look healthy on paper.

What this episode covers:

- Why spontaneous desire is a myth, and how much invisible effort goes into the feeling that's supposed to arrive on its own

- What gets lost when couples stop flirting, stop noticing each other, and revert to what Anna calls the outer layer of the onion

- The courage it takes to initiate an honest conversation about what you actually want, and why so few couples ever have it

- A client story about a woman whose partner became her rock early on, and how the same dynamic that once felt calming turned into resentment and a total loss of desire once she was carrying everything

- Why finding yourself desirable has nothing to do with a number on a scale, and everything to do with how you relate to yourself

- How separateness, not merging into one shared identity, is often what makes a partner feel desirable again

To learn more about Dr. Anna and her book visit her website https://theformulaofdesire.com/.

If any of this sounds like your relationship, this is the kind of dynamic Jackie and Catherine work through with clients regularly. They offer a free 15-minute consultation if you want to talk through what it could look like for yours.

Free consultation: https://www.differentiatedlove.com/contact | Substack: https://differentiatedlove.substack.com?utm_source=navbar&utm_medium=web | Podcast: https://pod.link/1884143784?view=apps&sort=popularity

00:00 Intro

02:16 What inspired The Formula of Desire

04:12 Why spontaneous desire is a myth

07:47 Flirting, presence, and missed opportunities for connection

12:44 The courage it takes to ask for what you want

20:33 Finding yourself desirable

24:54 When one partner overfunctions, desire disappears

34:13 Separateness, the three-self model, and why distance creates desire

42:43 Resources: assessments, exercises, and where to learn more

To learn more about Jackie and Catherine's therapy and coaching services, and the work they do with individuals and couples, be sure to check out their website.

https://www.differentiatedlove.com/

https://www.candgtherapy.com/

https://www.catherineroebuck.com/

Music: Echoes by Roa https://soundcloud.com/roa_music1031

License: Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0 Unported — CC BY 3.0

Free Download / Stream: https://audiolibrary.com.co/roa-music/echoes

Music promoted by Audio Library: https://youtu.be/HCXJxHIkH8w

We're taught that giving someone the benefit of the doubt is a sign of maturity, a good faith move that keeps relationships kind. But a lot of us use it as a way to avoid looking closely at something that's actually bothering us, especially with the people we're closest to.

This episode covers:

- Why assuming the best about a partner or family member can be just as inaccurate as assuming the worst

- The difference between offering someone compassion and refusing to look at a pattern that keeps repeating

- Why insisting on "they meant well" is often less about the other person and more about managing our own anxiety around conflict

- A look at how this shows up with parents specifically, including people who defend a parent's behavior more generously than they'd ever defend their partner's

- What it looks like to stay present to what's actually happening instead of defaulting to either extreme

This is a dynamic Jackie and Catherine see often in their work with individuals and couples, where staying present to reality, rather than settling on the most comfortable interpretation, ends up being the harder and more useful path. If this is resonating, they offer a free 15-minute consultation to talk about what that could look like for you.

Free consultation: https://www.differentiatedlove.com/contact | Substack: https://differentiatedlove.substack.com?utm_source=navbar&utm_medium=web | Podcast: https://pod.link/1884143784?view=apps&sort=popularity

Chapters

00:00 Intro: the problem with assuming the benefit of the doubt

02:07 Assuming the best with strangers vs. people you're close to

05:21 Why patterns with people close to us need more scrutiny

07:29 The anxiety behind giving someone the benefit of the doubt

09:16 One-sided generosity toward parents

12:44 A parenting example: safety, patterns, and hard conversations

16:01 Staying present to change instead of writing people off

19:03 Turning the lens on yourself

27:07 Meaning well isn't the same as taking responsibility

34:49 When your own history shapes what you see in your partner

39:01 Widening your range of interpretation

To learn more about Jackie and Catherine's therapy and coaching services, and the work they do with individuals and couples, be sure to check out their website.

https://www.differentiatedlove.com/

https://www.candgtherapy.com/

https://www.catherineroebuck.com/

Music: Echoes by Roa https://soundcloud.com/roa_music1031

License: Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0 Unported — CC BY 3.0

Free Download / Stream: https://audiolibrary.com.co/roa-music/echoes

Music promoted by Audio Library: https://youtu.be/HCXJxHIkH8w

If you've ever done every dish, packed every lunch, and then found yourself furious at a partner sitting on the couch, this one will feel familiar. So will the moment right after, when the fight gets uncomfortable and someone rushes to smooth it all over before anything actually gets resolved.

What this episode covers:

- The drama triangle: the victim, rescuer, and perpetrator positions couples cycle through, often within a single conversation

- A real scenario, walked through step by step, of how a couple moves from overfunctioning and resentment into blame, hurt, and a rushed peace that settles nothing

- Why the rescuer position and the victim position can look kind or selfless on the surface while carrying their own quiet aggression

- How this same triangle shows up in the bedroom through duty sex and hypervigilant self-monitoring during sex

- What it actually takes to step out of each corner, including why getting out of the victim position isn't the same as just accepting bad treatment

This is a dynamic Jackie and Catherine work through with clients and coaching clients regularly, and if any of these roles sound like your own, they offer a free 15-minute consultation to talk about what shifting out of them could look like for your relationship.

Free consultation: https://www.differentiatedlove.com/contact

Substack: https://differentiatedlove.substack.com?utm_source=navbar&utm_medium=web

Podcast: https://pod.link/1884143784?view=apps&sort=popularity

Chapters:

00:00 Intro

00:34 What the drama triangle is

02:40 The Sarah and Mark example: overfunctioning turns into blame

08:52 How rescuing smooths things over without solving anything

12:56 Why all three positions come from low differentiation

16:40 Why the victim and rescuer positions can look nice on the outside

22:09 How this plays out in sex through duty sex

25:56 Self-monitoring and hypervigilance during sex

28:01 How to get out of each position

41:27 Closing thoughts

To learn more about Jackie and Catherine's therapy and coaching services, and the work they do with individuals and couples, be sure to check out their website.

Podcast Website

https://www.differentiatedlove.com/

Jackie's Website

https://www.candgtherapy.com/

Catherine's Website

https://www.catherineroebuck.com/

Music: Echoes by Roa https://soundcloud.com/roa_music1031

License: Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0 Unported — CC BY 3.0

Free Download / Stream: https://audiolibrary.com.co/roa-music/echoes

Music promoted by Audio Library: https://youtu.be/HCXJxHIkH8w

If sex has started to feel like something you get through rather than something you want to experience, you're not alone — and it's not about attraction or love. For a lot of high-functioning, responsible people, pleasure has quietly been crossed off the list of things that matter. And their partners feel it.

This episode covers:

• How a productivity mindset migrates into the bedroom — and what it does to desire and intimacy
• The difference between accommodating sex and actually wanting it, and why that gap matters
• Why some people struggle to know what they want at all — in bed or anywhere else — and how to start finding out
• What it looks like to gradually rebuild a tolerance for pleasure, outside the bedroom and in it
• The real cost to a relationship when one partner has stopped letting themselves want things

This is the kind of work Jackie and Catherine do with couples and individuals all the time. If you're curious what it might look like to explore this, both offer a free 15-minute consultation.

https://www.differentiatedlove.com/

https://www.candgtherapy.com/

https://www.catherineroebuck.com/

Music: Echoes by Roa https://soundcloud.com/roa_music1031

License: Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0 Unported — CC BY 3.0

Free Download / Stream: https://audiolibrary.com.co/roa-music/echoes

Music promoted by Audio Library: https://youtu.be/HCXJxHIkH8w

Most people know how to brace for bad news. But there's something quietly harder about sharing — or receiving — good news. If you've ever found yourself announcing something wonderful with a kind of apology in your voice, or you've noticed yourself go flat when someone you love tells you something great happened for them, this episode is about that.

This episode covers:

• Why sharing good news can feel shameful or exposing — and where that instinct comes from
• The connection between how you relate to your own achievements and your capacity to genuinely celebrate others
• What Brené Brown calls "foreboding joy" — the automatic pull away from positive intensity — and how it breaks contact with yourself and with the people you're close to
• How anxiety about other people's reactions can cause you to downplay your own life, and how to interrupt that
• What to do with jealousy when it comes up — including how to let it point you toward something useful rather than taking it somewhere destructive

This is the kind of conversation Jackie and Catherine have with clients all the time — the smaller, more specific places where closeness breaks down. If you're curious about what it might look like to work on this, both of them offer free 15-minute consultations and would be glad to talk.

Free consultation: [link]
Substack: [link]
Podcast: [link]

Music: Echoes by Roa https://soundcloud.com/roa_music1031

License: Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0 Unported — CC BY 3.0

Free Download / Stream: https://audiolibrary.com.co/roa-music/echoes

Music promoted by Audio Library: https://youtu.be/HCXJxHIkH8w

You compliment others easily. You notice when someone puts in effort. But when it's directed at you — the appreciation, the attention, the "you look beautiful" — something closes off. You deflect, minimize, or just quietly wait until the moment passes.

This episode is about what's underneath that, and why learning to actually receive positive attention matters for intimacy, for sex, and for the relationship you have with yourself.

This episode covers:

• Why deflecting compliments isn't humility — and what it communicates to the person trying to offer them
• A client case where the inability to receive positive attention was showing up directly in sex, and what shifted it
• The difference between needing validation to feel okay and being able to take in genuine appreciation when it's offered
• What it looks like when someone lets themselves be noticed — and why that energy is genuinely different in a relationship
• How dismissing a compliment can quietly send the message that the other person's perception doesn't count

This is the kind of work Jackie and Catherine do with clients — helping people move out of the reflex to shrink and into a more honest, grounded relationship with themselves and each other. If this episode landed for you, you're welcome to book a free 15-minute consultation.

Free consultation: [link] | Substack: [link] | Podcast: [link]

You made the decision. You asked for buy-in. And now you're not so sure — but admitting that feels like it would unravel everything. So instead you perform confidence you don't have, and somehow the anxiety only gets louder.

This episode is about what's actually underneath the need for constant reassurance, and what it takes to build the kind of self-trust that doesn't depend on everything working out perfectly.

This episode covers:

• Why reassuring yourself by insisting everything is fine tends to backfire — and what your partner is actually tracking beneath the surface
• The difference between trusting your outcomes and trusting your process — and why only one of them is actually possible
• What happens when fear of making a mistake causes people to go passive and quietly offload all the risk onto their partner
• How to identify what you're actually trying to reassure yourself about — and whether that's something a real person can hold
• Where the rigidity around "not changing your mind" often comes from, and how to give yourself permission to incorporate new information and move differently

This is the kind of work Jackie and Catherine do with clients — helping individuals and couples move out of the reassurance loop and into something more honest and more grounded. If this episode resonated, you're welcome to book a free 15-minute consultation to see what working together might look like.

Free consultation: [link] | Substack: [link] | Podcast: [link]