Differentiated Love and Sex

Work with us:
*Jackie Aston, Psychotherapist & Relationship Coach → http://www.candgtherapy.com
*Catherine Roebuck, Relationship Coach → http://www.catherineroebuck.com

If you’re the one who keeps ending up loud and furious while your partner sits back looking relaxed and sensible, this one might hit close to home. When only one person looks like they’re losing it, it’s easy for everyone, including us, to miss how both people are keeping the fight going.

In this episode:

• Jackie and Catherine react to clips of Michael and Michal from Couples Therapy, a couple who seem angry with each other and also seem to enjoy the fight
• Why trying to make a partner feel bad enough to change usually backfires, and how many of us learned that strategy growing up
• How a calm, laid-back partner can quietly stoke the fire with offhand comments that sound reasonable but have nothing behind them
• The “false pictures” both partners put forward, and what Dr. Orna’s two-hour assignment asks of someone who over-functions
• Why the partner who is hurting more is often the one who has to shift first, even when they already feel like they’re doing everything

This push and pull is something Jackie and Catherine see often with couples. If it’s landing for you, they offer a free 15-minute consultation to talk about what working on it could look like in your relationship.

Chapters:
00:00 What this couple is co-creating
01:24 Intro: Michael and Michal from Couples Therapy
02:26 “If my partner were just different”
04:10 Why they both seem to enjoy the fight
07:05 What “just support me” is really asking for
09:58 Over-functioning in real time
11:37 Picking a partner who has what we lack
13:38 Each partner is tracking something real
16:08 Trying to make a partner feel bad enough to change
17:47 Does being provoked actually get him moving?
21:43 False pictures on both sides
26:11 Dr. Orna’s intervention
29:23 The calm partner who keeps stoking the fire
31:51 Where his pattern might come from
35:00 A parent and child dynamic
38:42 The two-hour assignment
41:21 What each partner needs to face
45:35 How this might show up in their sex life
46:57 Why she may need to go first
49:50 Not taking the bait

To learn more about Jackie and Catherine’s therapy and coaching services, and the work they do with individuals and couples, be sure to check out their website.

https://www.differentiatedlove.com/
https://www.candgtherapy.com/
https://www.catherineroebuck.com/

Music: Echoes by Roa / roa_music1031
License: Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0 Unported — CC BY 3.0
Free Download / Stream: https://audiolibrary.com.co/roa-music/echoes
Music promoted by Audio Library: • Happy Electronic Music for Summer

Work with us:
*Jackie Aston, Psychotherapist & Relationship Coach → www.candgtherapy.com
*Catherine Roebuck, Relationship Coach → www.catherineroebuck.com

In this episode, Jackie and Catherine discuss the ways that escaping challenges through distraction are counterproductive for individuals and their relationships.

What this episode covers:

- Why escapism isn't a problem in itself, but becomes one when it replaces facing what actually needs to happen

- The counterintuitive truth that anxiety has to go up before it goes down, and why avoiding that spike keeps a problem exactly the same size or bigger

- How one partner's escapism can quietly become the other partner's overfunctioning, and how resentment builds on both sides of that split

- Why affairs function as a distraction from what's actually hard about a committed relationship, rather than evidence about what a person truly wants

- How to ask a distracted partner for what you actually want, instead of a list of complaints they'll find easy to tune out

- Why self-trust gets built or eroded in these small moments of following through, or not, on what we said we'd face

Free consultation| Substack | Podcast

Chapters

00:00 Escaping instead of facing what's hard

01:31 Welcome and introductions

02:06 Today's topic: escapism in relationships

03:49 When stepping away becomes avoidance

05:07 The many forms escapism takes

06:47 The real test: do you have a plan to face it

09:15 Building self-trust by following through

11:10 Facing uncertainty instead of distracting from it

14:08 Why anxiety has to rise before it falls

16:02 The cold pool analogy

19:06 Turning "what if" into a real question

21:53 Building self-trust step by step

26:16 How escapism impacts a partner

27:36 The football example and overfunctioning

33:18 Affairs as escapism

39:16 Getting a real answer without messing with the data

41:14 What to do when your partner is distracted

44:00 Getting specific about what you actually want

48:24 Fairness and showing up for each other

To learn more about Jackie and Catherine's therapy and coaching services, and the work they do with individuals and couples, be sure to check out their website.

https://www.differentiatedlove.com/

https://www.candgtherapy.com/

https://www.catherineroebuck.com/

Music: Echoes by Roa https://soundcloud.com/roa_music1031

License: Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0 Unported — CC BY 3.0

Free Download / Stream: https://audiolibrary.com.co/roa-music/echoes

Music promoted by Audio Library: https://youtu.be/HCXJxHIkH8w

Work with us:
*Jackie Aston, Psychotherapist & Relationship Coach → www.candgtherapy.com
*Catherine Roebuck, Relationship Coach → www.catherineroebuck.com

What this episode covers:

- Jackie's own experience being pregnant with her third child, and what feels different emotionally this time compared to her first

- Why constantly finding another task to prepare for the baby can keep anxiety circling rather than resolve it, and what presence and connection actually offer instead

- The ongoing work of advocating for yourself with medical providers during pregnancy, postpartum, and delivery, including how differently Jackie was treated traveling in France

- What it actually looks like to support a friend or partner through postpartum, from concrete offers like folding laundry to directly checking in about mood and safety

This is the kind of transition Jackie and Catherine work through with clients often, both the emotional adjustment of pregnancy and postpartum and the relationship dynamics that come with it. If any of this is resonating, they offer a free 15-minute consultation to talk about what support could look like for you.

Free consultation | Substack | Podcast

Chapters

00:00 Intro

01:20 Welcome to the podcast

01:37 Being pregnant and differentiated

03:26 What's different this pregnancy versus the last

05:06 Asking for help and letting people show up

05:57 Advocating with medical providers

08:29 Planning for postpartum in advance

09:22 Postpartum support groups and community

11:39 Pregnancy care in France versus the US

13:26 Postpartum depression and getting support lined up

18:40 What matters in the couple's relationship during pregnancy

20:04 Connecting sexually with physical limitations

21:32 Anxiety, to-do lists, and presence

24:18 Preparing older kids for a new sibling

27:57 Body image during pregnancy

29:29 How to support a friend through postpartum

36:56 Advocating for yourself in the hospital and during birth

44:35 Bringing a therapist or coach into the process

To learn more about Jackie and Catherine's therapy and coaching services, and the work they do with individuals and couples, be sure to check out their website.

https://www.differentiatedlove.com/

https://www.candgtherapy.com/

https://www.catherineroebuck.com/

Music: Echoes by Roa https://soundcloud.com/roa_music1031

License: Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0 Unported — CC BY 3.0

Free Download / Stream: https://audiolibrary.com.co/roa-music/echoes

Music promoted by Audio Library: https://youtu.be/HCXJxHIkH8w

Maybe it's a parent who'll pay for something, but only if you do it their way. Maybe it's a partner who plans the date but expects sex afterward. A lot of us have accepted help or love that came with quiet conditions, and only later noticed what we gave up to keep it.

What this episode covers:

- The difference between an honest request ("it would mean a lot if you'd join us") and an offer with strings attached

- Why accepting conditional support, even when you're getting something you want, can cost you your own functioning over time

- What it looks like when a relationship runs on control instead of love, and why that distinction matters even when the control is subtle or unspoken

- The golden child position in a family, and why it's often the hardest one to grow out of because there's so much conditional support to lose

- Why generosity that doesn't need a guarantee is different from a transactional exchange, and what that difference actually does for closeness

This is a pattern Jackie and Catherine see often in their work with clients, whether it's showing up with family, a partner, or both. If this is resonating, they offer a free 15-minute consultation to talk about what it could look like to work through it in your own relationships.

Free consultation: https://www.differentiatedlove.com/contact | Substack: https://differentiatedlove.substack.com?utm_source=navbar&utm_medium=web | Podcast: https://pod.link/1884143784?view=apps&sort=popularity

Chapters
00:00 Using someone to get what you want isn't love

01:02 Welcome and introductions

01:52 What strings attached offers look like

04:12 The wedding dress example

06:05 Staying in a dependent position

11:51 Golden child dynamics in families

14:47 The affair and the necklace: covert strings

17:21 Household roles and unspoken conditions

19:42 Strings attached around sex and date night

23:24 How transactional patterns wire into the brain

26:39 The difference between reciprocity and strings attached

29:01 Golden child vs. scapegoat and differentiation

36:00 The vulnerability of unconditional love

40:52 What this costs, on both sides

To learn more about Jackie and Catherine's therapy and coaching services, and the work they do with individuals and couples, be sure to check out their website.

https://www.differentiatedlove.com/

https://www.candgtherapy.com/

https://www.catherineroebuck.com/

Music: Echoes by Roa https://soundcloud.com/roa_music1031

License: Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0 Unported — CC BY 3.0

Free Download / Stream: https://audiolibrary.com.co/roa-music/echoes

Music promoted by Audio Library: https://youtu.be/HCXJxHIkH8w

Jackie and Catherine use the story of Chris and Sienna from Couples' Therapy to discuss infidelity, why partners are unfaithful, and why partners don't catch it sooner.

What this episode covers:

- Jackie and Catherine break down a real couples therapy clip featuring Chris and Sienna, working through his infidelity and the pattern underneath it

- Why one partner doing all the pursuing, decoding, and caretaking can hold a relationship in balance, even when it's costing her

- How Chris deflects ownership of the affair by making the conversation about whether he's "a bad person," and why that move works on his wife

- What it looks like when someone seems open while controlling exactly what gets revealed and what stays hidden

- Why going through a partner's phone doesn't resolve the actual problem, and what does determine whether a relationship like this changes

This pattern of one partner overfunctioning to hold a relationship together, chasing answers, managing the other person's moods, doing the emotional work for both of them, is something Jackie and Catherine see often in their work with clients. If it's landing for you, they offer a free 15-minute consultation to talk through what shifting it could look like.

Free consultation | Substack | Podcast

Chapters:

00:00 Is he really feeling what he's showing?

01:16 Introducing the clip: Chris and Sienna

03:28 How Chris tells the story of the affair

04:07 The disconnection in how he owns it

06:56 Minimizing what the "cuddling" actually was

08:17 Why turn outside the marriage at all

12:52 Reading his flat affect against her anger

14:00 Making it about whether he's "a bad person"

16:02 Sienna's sudden shift into dissociation

20:47 The pattern in who he pursued

22:35 Validation, dominance, and control

26:28 Her role as the one who understands him

28:14 The wife's collusion and the "dead shark face"

31:11 A boundaryless partner and the appeal of the chase

34:43 Cuddling service or cover story

37:39 Why searching his phone doesn't solve it

39:42 Why didn't I leave

41:02 What she can do about her own shrinking

42:21 Getting him to own more than he's offering

45:04 Overfunctioning for the relationship

To learn more about Jackie and Catherine's therapy and coaching services, and the work they do with individuals and couples, be sure to check out their website.

https://www.differentiatedlove.com/

https://www.candgtherapy.com/

https://www.catherineroebuck.com/

Music: Echoes by Roa https://soundcloud.com/roa_music1031

License: Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0 Unported — CC BY 3.0

Free Download / Stream: https://audiolibrary.com.co/roa-music/echoes

Music promoted by Audio Library: https://youtu.be/HCXJxHIkH8w

This episode deals with the way that anxiety in and about sex and sexual performance can contribute to ED and premature ejaculation.

What this episode covers:

- The actual difference between premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction, and why anxiety plays a role in both, just in opposite directions

- Why mentally checking out during sex to manage arousal or anxiety reduces the pressure but kills the connection and the pleasure at the same time

- What happens in a couple when sex turns into "checking a box," including how both partners end up tracking each other's dissatisfaction instead of being present with each other

- Why building capacity to stay with intensity, whether that's anxiety or pleasure, matters more long term than any technique

- How managing or caretaking a partner through sexual difficulty can start to feel condescending and get in the way of them facing what's actually going on

This is the kind of pattern Jackie and Catherine work through with clients regularly, and if it's resonating, they offer a free 15-minute consultation to talk about what that could look like for you.

Free consultation | Substack | Podcast

Chapters

00:00 Cold open: performance and cutting off arousal

01:06 Intro

01:34 Why we're talking about anxiety, PE, and ED

01:39 The difference between premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction

03:38 How anxiety factors into reaching orgasm

07:17 Sex later in life and having a broader menu of options

07:51 The couple example: checked-box sex and unspoken meanings

12:15 Brain wiring and why the pattern keeps reinforcing itself

16:44 Building capacity and figuring out what you actually want

19:00 Wanting to be desired vs. the fear of finding out

25:32 Overfunctioning, fusion, and when managing a partner backfires

28:32 Moving past orgasm-focused sex

34:58 The midlife shift from premature ejaculation to erectile dysfunction

36:17 Staying present instead of pulling away

37:09 Slowing down and working with arousal at every level

41:44 Why more time often beats more frequency

43:34 Performance framing and what it's doing to younger people's sex lives

To learn more about Jackie and Catherine's therapy and coaching services, and the work they do with individuals and couples, be sure to check out their website.

https://www.differentiatedlove.com/

https://www.candgtherapy.com/

https://www.catherineroebuck.com/

Music: Echoes by Roa https://soundcloud.com/roa_music1031

License: Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0 Unported — CC BY 3.0

Free Download / Stream: https://audiolibrary.com.co/roa-music/echoes

Music promoted by Audio Library: https://youtu.be/HCXJxHIkH8w

There's a specific kind of confusion that shows up when your partner is dealing with your parents, your child's school, or a hard medical moment, and you're not sure whether stepping in is support or overreach. A lot of us were never given a clear line between the two, so we either do too much or step back and call it respecting someone's independence.

What this episode covers:

- The difference between advocating for a partner and taking over a problem that isn't yours

- Why labor and delivery, serious illness, or memory loss are different from everyday decisions, and what real advocacy looks like when someone genuinely can't speak for themselves in the moment

- Why it's your responsibility to handle your own parents or in-laws when they cross a boundary with your partner, even if you weren't in the room when it happened

- How one parent quietly taking on all of a child's school and medical decisions becomes a relationship problem, not just a logistics one

- Why inherited family rules (like being taught to be a "wallflower" around in-laws) shape what people believe their responsibility is, and what it takes to question those rules instead of just following them

This is a distinction Jackie and Catherine work through with clients often, especially couples caught between family loyalty and their own relationship. If this is landing for you, they offer a free 15-minute consultation to talk about what that could look like for your relationship.

Free consultation: https://www.differentiatedlove.com/contact | Substack: https://differentiatedlove.substack.com?utm_source=navbar&utm_medium=web | Podcast: https://pod.link/1884143784?view=apps&sort=popularity

Chapters

00:00 Advocacy vs. rescuing, the core distinction

01:57 What advocating for a partner actually means

03:00 Medical situations where advocacy is clear

06:56 When "we don't bother each other" misses real care

08:24 Advocating without waiting to be asked

09:49 In-laws crossing a boundary with your partner

14:20 Why parents can resent the marriage itself

18:05 The comic about regressing at your parents' house

22:52 Co-parenting as shared advocacy

33:02 Inherited family rules about showing up

39:56 Taking your own position instead of absorbing someone else's

To learn more about Jackie and Catherine's therapy and coaching services, and the work they do with individuals and couples, be sure to check out their website.

https://www.differentiatedlove.com/

https://www.candgtherapy.com/

https://www.catherineroebuck.com/

Music: Echoes by Roa https://soundcloud.com/roa_music1031

License: Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0 Unported — CC BY 3.0

Free Download / Stream: https://audiolibrary.com.co/roa-music/echoes

Music promoted by Audio Library: https://youtu.be/HCXJxHIkH8w

Dr. Corey Allan, of Sexy Marriage Radio, joins to talk about affairs. Not as a betrayal to recover from, but as something that surfaces exactly where each partner has been avoiding their own integrity.

What this episode covers:

- Why treating infidelity as the core problem misses what was already present in the marriage before it happened

- The reframe that betrayal isn't something done to the hurt spouse, it's collateral damage from what a partner did to themselves and to the relationship system

- Why surveillance, tracking, and constant transparency create exhausting hypervigilance instead of real security

- The integrity work required of both partners, including the spouse who sensed something was off long before it surfaced and didn't act on it

- Why taking a partner's choices less personally is what actually makes it possible to be more known, more real, inside the marriage

Dr. Corey Allan joins Jackie and Catherine to talk through this using his own training under David Schnarch and 25 years of clinical work with couples facing infidelity. To find out more about his work, check out his podcast, Sexy Marriage Radio.

This kind of work, helping both partners face their own integrity rather than assigning blame to one side, is central to what Jackie and Catherine do with clients as well. If this is resonating, they offer a free 15-minute consultation to talk through what that could look like for your relationship.

Free consultation | Substack | Podcast

Chapters

00:00 A charged topic: integrity on both sides of an affair

01:33 Introducing Dr. Corey Allan

02:48 Corey's marriage and how Schnarch's work changed his practice

05:06 Infidelity as a symptom, not the primary problem

09:39 Why the betrayed spouse says "you did this to me"

13:03 Naming the dynamic: resolute spouse and strayed spouse

17:09 Why surveillance and transparency don't create lasting safety

19:04 Taking things less personally so you can be more personal

27:12 A client story: drawing the line in an open marriage

31:01 Corey's own story: the ring given back

39:36 When "I'm sorry" isn't real: repeat betrayals

43:44 Integrity as the real work for both partners

To learn more about Jackie and Catherine's therapy and coaching services, and the work they do with individuals and couples, be sure to check out their website.

https://www.differentiatedlove.com/

https://www.candgtherapy.com/

https://www.catherineroebuck.com/

Music: Echoes by Roa https://soundcloud.com/roa_music1031

License: Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0 Unported — CC BY 3.0

Free Download / Stream: https://audiolibrary.com.co/roa-music/echoes

Music promoted by Audio Library: https://youtu.be/HCXJxHIkH8w

If you've ever watched a couple fight and found yourself immediately deciding who the reasonable one is, this episode is for you. It's easy to hand that title to whoever looks calmest in the room. It's a lot harder to notice what the calm one might be doing to keep the other person worked up.

In this episode we watch clips of Michael and Michal from Couples Therapy and talk through what's actually happening underneath the fighting.

What this episode covers:

- Why one partner doing all the visible work (the yelling, the criticizing, the pushing) doesn't mean the other partner is doing nothing

- How a partner who looks smooth and reasonable can still be actively provoking the dynamic, just in ways that are harder to see and easier to deny

- The overfunctioning and underfunctioning pattern this couple is co-creating together, and why neither person can fix it alone

- What's underneath the wife wanting her husband to "just be a little more like me," and why that picture falls apart under any real pressure

- Why the person who's suffering more in a relationship is often the one with more motivation to shift first, and what that shift can actually look like

This is the kind of dynamic Jackie and Catherine work through with clients often, where one partner's visible struggle can obscure the ways both people are keeping the pattern going. If this is resonating, they offer a free 15-minute consultation to talk about what that could look like for your relationship.

Free consultation: https://www.differentiatedlove.com/contact | Substack: https://differentiatedlove.substack.com?utm_source=navbar&utm_medium=web | Podcast: https://pod.link/1884143784?view=apps&sort=popularity

00:00 Intro

01:19 "If my partner were just different, I'd be happy"

03:11 Two people who enjoy the fight even while they're furious

09:03 Overfunctioning in real time

16:48 Does provoking her actually get more out of him?

25:12 Dr. Orna's intervention and the wife starting to settle

27:59 The husband's quiet ways of revving her up

34:01 A parent-child dynamic instead of two adults

40:22 What each partner would need to face to change this

45:58 Why the person suffering more usually has to go first

To learn more about Jackie and Catherine's therapy and coaching services, and the work they do with individuals and couples, be sure to check out their website.

https://www.differentiatedlove.com/

https://www.candgtherapy.com/

https://www.catherineroebuck.com/

It's easy to conclude you're the problem because you're the one who's loud about it, and just as easy for your partner to let you believe that.

In this episode, Jackie and Catherine watch and react to a clip from Couples Therapy featuring Michael and Michal, breaking down a dynamic where one partner carries all the visible frustration and the other stays calm, relaxed, and seemingly reasonable.

What this episode covers:

- Why the partner who looks calm in a fight isn't necessarily the one doing less damage

- Overfunctioning and underfunctioning in real time: what it looks like when one partner provides all the forward momentum in a relationship

- How a partner can provoke and destabilize the other while maintaining plausible deniability, and why that's so hard to call out

- The parent-child pattern underneath the conflict, and why one partner's rebellion keeps both people underdeveloped

- Why the person who's suffering more in a dynamic is usually the one with more reason to change first, whether or not that feels fair

This is the kind of pattern Jackie and Catherine work through with couples regularly, watching for who's actually driving a dynamic versus who just looks like they are. If this is resonating, they offer a free 15-minute consultation to talk about what that could look like for your relationship.

Free consultation: https://www.differentiatedlove.com/contact | Substack: https://differentiatedlove.substack.com?utm_source=navbar&utm_medium=web | Podcast: https://pod.link/1884143784?view=apps&sort=popularity

Chapters

00:00 Intro

01:41 "If my partner were just different"

03:47 Enjoying the fight while being frustrated by it

09:41 Overfunctioning in real time

11:06 Picking a partner who holds what you can't

13:55 A real point buried in an unserious delivery

18:10 Does provoking her actually get him more done?

22:24 The false pictures both partners paint

26:55 A turning point: settling herself down

31:05 Why viewers side with the calm-looking partner

33:44 Provoking as a childhood strategy against a controlling parent

39:31 What a two-hour experiment will cost each of them

46:38 Punishment, sadism, and what it does to a sexual relationship

48:02 Who has more reason to go first

To learn more about Jackie and Catherine's therapy and coaching services, and the work they do with individuals and couples, be sure to check out their website.

https://www.differentiatedlove.com/

https://www.candgtherapy.com/

https://www.catherineroebuck.com/