Disagree better

It’s hard to stand in someone else’s shoes when we’re in the middle of a conflict with them, even when we know that understanding their perspective is important. Here’s a trick of the mind that makes perspective-taking easier.

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Conflict and suffering are bedfellows. When we’re trying to help others in conflict, whether as mediators, leaders, or family members, we can help them better if we can turn toward their suffering instead of withdrawing from it.

Episode transcript

An article about Epstein's and Black's work

Small caring actions to ease suffering

Every conflict contains a bid to be seen

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Most of us sit down together to sort out tension and conflict. We meet over coffee, or gather at the conference table, or sit down for a family meeting. We might well benefit more from walking conflict resolution than sitting, and here’s the science to explain why.

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My conflict work used to center squarely on helping people have the conversations that resolve conflict. As my work has shifted over the last decade to being more about helping people approach conflict in ways that don’t require my presence to be successful, some of what I do is about shifting conflict-related habits. Here’s one approach that can be very powerful.

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When faced with a problem, we often ask ourselves or others, “What should we do?” It’s not a bad question at all, but research suggests a better question for prompting more creative solutions.

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Sure, it’s good to pick your fights. Life is short, after all. But that doesn’t mean you should avoid the small fights as a matter of course. The small fights are the places you get better managing your own or others’ conflicts, preparing you for more difficult conversations.

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When conflict kindles unwelcome emotions, we want relief. There’s a well-researched emotion regulation technique that reliably dampens the effect of unwelcome emotions, and all we need to remember is one simple question.

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When we try to talk out a problem with someone, and conversation hasn’t yielded the results we hoped, we may find ourselves withdrawing from them. But as Nobel Peace Prize laureate Malala Yousafzai reminds us, there’s often a better choice.

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Confronting is an essential conflict resolution and supervisory skill, yet it can feel risky and uncomfortable. We don’t want to seem confrontational or aggressive, and we do want to feel confident that confronting might make a difference. Here’s a mediator’s tip for how to confront someone and raise an issue without seeming antagonistic or argumentative.

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Highly effective listening is a conflict resolution superpower — it reduces defensiveness, diminishes extreme reaction, and increases open-mindedness. And it’s learnable. To be a highly effective listener, pay particular attention to these three essential components of great listening.

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