Divorced But Never Defeated

There are many types of divorces, ranging from peaceable and mature to high-conflict and psychologically exhausting. In our (Divorced Dad and Divorced Mom) opinions, from our point of view, each of our ex spouses seem set on stirring up chaos. 

In this episode we give examples of this, including giving mixed messages, purposefully trying to trigger you, or weaving a narrative of victimhood to others. 

We describe the unique grief these situations can bring up for us and other parents who would have wished for a healthier co-parenting situation.

 Then, we talk about a few recent moments where we were able to keep our peace and practice boundaries during difficult scenarios. 

We also touch on ways that it has felt like our exes have tried to weaponize court orders. One helpful tip that we offer in this episode is: get, and stay, very familiar with your court order, so that no one can mislead you about it.

We discuss some moral questions that come up when parenting kids in tricky co-parenting dynamics. Like, how do we teach our kids that lying isn’t ok, when their other parent chooses to use deceit regularly - without saying something negative about that parent?

Then, we chat about how our current relationship is going. As you can tell, and probably relate to, we each have some deeply rooted hurts that we’re working through as we grow together.

There are certain challenges to building trust with someone after experiencing abuse in the past. And, it’s sometimes hard to rightly interpret actions that may remind us of past relationship dynamics, but in reality have very different (safer) reasons and motives behind them. 

I (Divorced Mom) was also not previously in a relationship where self-development in certain areas could even happen, so I’m learning what my part in a healthy relationship looks like. 

I (Divorced Dad)  am continuing to work on my communication style and how I come across. I’m reminded that self awareness includes listen to others even about some things you may not always see in yourself. 

We can see good results blooming from continuing to talk these things out together, from being honest about what’s working and what’s not, and from following our intuition about the speed and pace of our relationship.

There are many blessings in this season, including seeing the fruit of happiness and thriving in our kids as they move forward. 

Remember, don’t get sucked into other people’s chaos; always hold your boundaries with calm assertiveness, and don’t give anyone the satisfaction of seeing their attempts get to you.

We’re in this together!

Welcome back to the Divorced but Never Defeated Podcast. Since our last episode, we have both learned even more about life after a divorce. We are so glad we finally get to share some of these new discoveries with all of you.

I (Divorced Dad) have recently been reflecting on what it looks like to find identity in who I am, and not necessarily in the difficult and costly 3-year process I’ve been walking through. To zoom out from the difficult parts of life and view myself and my life more holistically and positively.

I (Divorced Mom) am sensing a transition from surviving to thriving, as I’m  learning how to exit crisis mode. 

In today’s episode, we are going to focus on best practices when communicating with your children after a divorce.

But first, a quick note on custody. 

If I (Divorced Dad) could speak to the recently separated people-pleasing version of myself, I would tell him to be very careful around what he agrees to as a “short, temporary” custody arrangement. Because in my case, official custody hearings took multiple years. 

Seek guidance and counsel as soon as you can. Even if you’re not convinced a divorce is going to happen. Even if you couldn’t imagine your former partner getting manipulative around custody. You’ll want to plan for the possibility of a worst-case-scenario anyway, by saying less, and talking with a legal expert more.

Now, if your custody arrangement allows for phone calls with your child when they are with the other parent, we encourage you to approach those phone calls with care, curiosity, and connection. 

Calling shows that you care, because you’re reaching out and taking the time to chat no matter where your child happens to be. Asking about things that the child is interested shows that you’re curious about their life and world. And, talking as consistently as possible maintains and strengthens the connection that you have with them. 

In this episode, we each share our thoughts on whether calls should be video or audio, reasonably privacy considerations for family members, and how you might want to respond when a co-parent is feeding your children inaccurate suggestions about you.  

Let’s continue to stay strong as we model calm confidence and loving communication to our kids. 

Do you feel like you’ve been under attack since your divorce?

On today’s episode of Divorced But Never Defeated, we talk about the feeling of bracing ourselves for a consistent barrage of slander and resistance, and how we’re even learning to laugh about it.

It’s important to remember that your ex behaves how they behave. We’re wise to refrain from expecting something different than what they’ve consistently shown us and to detach our emotions from their actions (and all the other things we can’t control).

One area where both of us are experiencing attacks is the area of money. We hope that sharing our experiences can help you feel less alone, and serve as a lesson in some things you could consider doing and not doing in your own situation.

The truth is, we don’t have a guarantee that everything will shake out completely fair. Certain things may even affect your kids, which is so frustrating to watch and experience. 

We talk about some of our exes’ tactics including concealing information, making untrue statements about their financial situations, and attempting to weaponize restraining orders or other similar court orders. 

We also share that in our own dating relationship, after these unhealthy previous marriages, we’ve been more than willing to present evidence to each other to support our stories.

I (Divorced Mom) am learning how to bring up issues and not fear conflict now that I’m in a safe relationship. I also share a bit about what it was like to have a restraining order denied because of lapsed time.

I (Divorced Dad) on the other hand, am learning to temper my temperament and not get overly impassioned, whether it’s in the normal, healthy moments of conflict within our dating relationship, or whether the ongoing situation of slander from my ex activates me at a given time.

We are both people of faith, but sometimes even the Christian communities we’re part of can fall short of providing the presence, support, or understanding we may wish for. I (Divorced Dad) share what I’ve learned from this experience, and how I’ve processed as some friends have believed my ex’s false narratives about me.

So, it’s realistic and wise to be ready for triggers, and be patient as old patterns change within yourself. If you’re dating someone or remarried, make sure there is open communication about what you each experience as a result of your past. And of course make sure you’re with a safe, emotionally healthy person.

Learn how to stop letting your ex have power over your emotional state. Root yourself in the moment and move forward. 

Thank you for listening to this episode. We’re in this together!

Welcome to the Divorced But Never Defeated podcast.

We, Divorced Mom and Divorced Dad, represent two different divorce experiences, and know the process can feel lonely and challenging. 

This is a podcast where we’ll share some things we’ve learned the hard way so you don’t have to, as well as what we’ve discovered about co-parenting, healing, and creating a bright future for ourselves after divorce.

We want you to know that if your life has had a touchpoint with divorce, there is always hope, and we’re here to walk alongside you.

There is so much to grieve as life changes in this way. It takes time, therapy, and an understanding community to process.

We hope that the topics in this podcast, though sometimes difficult, can be discussed in productive and community-building ways and that we can be a resource for anyone who finds themselves considering, walking through, or processing divorce.

Today’s episode is about the moments we first realized things were ending in our first marriages, and our experience with lawyers soon after that.

I (Divorced Dad) experienced an increase in control, criticism, and campaigning against me as things began to end. 

I (Divorced Mom) on the other hand, had to covertly prepare my exit to ensure the safety of my kids and myself. 

Wise counsel from supportive, insightful professionals aided us both in these trying times. 

So, on top of seeking quality therapy, we both highly encourage you to interview more than one lawyer, ideally in-person, and take your time choosing one. 

The lawyer relationship is a longer-term relationship than you might initially think. This person is going to help you negotiate finances, get time with your kids, possibly help you get restraining orders, and more.

If you feel like they’re hard to get a hold of, they’re discounting you, or the vibe is off - keep looking. 

Remember that you’re not alone, and you can do this. We’re in this together.

Subscribe to hear future episodes where we’ll discuss custody, defamation, boundaries, recovery, identity, and much more.