Doing Divorce Different with Lesa Koski

Saddle Up Segments are bite-size, bonus episodes offering one thing that our listeners can do right away to add value to their life. Forgiveness does not excuse what somebody did, however, it is a way for you to feel freedom after difficult situations. As you work through forgiveness, you will gain an understanding of what happened, and you set yourself up to move forward. It doesn't mean you won’t feel bad again; it means that when old stories pop up, you gain the ability to know you are safe. Like what you're hearing? Be sure to check out the full-length episodes and new releases every Tuesday.

Tracy Pleschourt Instagram

Tracy Pleschourt Website

Tracy Pleschourt Facebook

Tracy Pleschourt LinkedIn

Lesa Koski Website

Lesa Koski Online Courses

Lesa Koski Resources

Forgiveness Worksheet

Mentioned in this episode:

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On today’s episode of our monthly session with Tracy Pleschourt, we discuss the importance of forgiveness. Tracy walks us through the Four N’s of forgiveness and how to work through each step. Holding on to resentment can cause a lot of turmoil in life, affecting your friendships and relationships. Forgiving someone doesn't mean that the person is correct; it just means that you are letting go of the emotions impacting your life and setting yourself free. Tune in today to learn how to find thankfulness and positive intentions out of the things in life that feel heavy.

In this episode:

[2:40] Lesa’s story of what she needs to forgive from her teenage years. [5:53] Lesa and Tracy walk through the 4 N’s to work through forgiveness. [16:00] How to write a letter of forgiveness. [17:05] Why are the 4 N’s necessary? [19:05] Next month's topic: Worthiness

Key Takeaways:

Your brain is either your worst enemy or your best friend. It will either work for us or against us. Quiet down the negative thoughts and turn up the strength within us. Forgiveness is a gift that you are giving yourself. There is much that can be learned from these situations and why forgiveness is needed. Find the things you can be thankful for, and make the forgiveness about the lessons learned. When people avoid forgiveness, they will hold on to the situations causing a grudge or grief, which will continue to impact their life.

Quotes:

“It doesn't excuse what somebody did, you understand what happened, and you are moving forward. It doesn't mean that you don’t feel bad again or you don't have thoughts pop up that hurt you. Still, when old stories pop up, you let yourself know you are safe.” - Tracy Pleschourt 

“Part of neutralizing it was to have empathy for her and to think maybe what she went through, I can’t know exactly.” - Lesa Koski

Guest Bio:

Tracy Pleschourt, the Founder of Self-Made U, helps men and women create Self-Made wealth and wellness through life coaching. Tracy has mastered and now teaches the critical skills necessary to manage your mind and overcome any obstacle, including overeating, overdrinking, time management, and career & relationship changes.

Resources:

Tracy Pleschourt Instagram

Tracy Pleschourt Website

Tracy Pleschourt Facebook

Tracy Pleschourt LinkedIn

Lesa Koski Website

Lesa Koski Online Courses

Lesa Koski Resources

Forgiveness Worksheet

Mentioned in this episode:

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Do you love Doing Divorce Different and want to hear more from Lesa Koski and her amazing guests? Tune in to the Saddle Up Live Podcast, a transformative podcast tailored for women aged 40 and beyond, where courage, God's grace, and a touch of sass are the driving forces behind conquering life's challenges.

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Saddle Up Segments are bite-size, bonus episodes offering one thing that our listeners can do right away to add value to their life. In this episode, we hear from three of our guest experts on how you can do divorce differently. The first piece of advice is to focus on forgiveness. Holding on to resentment can negatively affect you and keep you from moving on in your life. Next, working on your love life is necessary for the post-divorce experience. Uncovering your trauma and healing the wounds you experienced in your last relationship will have your next love relationship unfold differently. Lastly, get support and have people by your side who you can confide in, which helps you realize you are not alone in what you are going through. Like what you're hearing? Be sure to check out the full-length episodes and new releases every Tuesday.

Resources:

Marrie Simpson

Marrie Simpson ~ Functional Medicine Health Coach

Dr. Thomas Jordan

Love Life Learning Center

Learn to Love Book

Tracy Malone:

Divorcing Your Narcissist Book

Targeted Healing Journals

Narcissist Abuse Support Website

Mentioned in this episode:

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Do you love Doing Divorce Different and want to hear more from Lesa Koski and her amazing guests? Tune in to the Saddle Up Live Podcast, a transformative podcast tailored for women aged 40 and beyond, where courage, God's grace, and a touch of sass are the driving forces behind conquering life's challenges.

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Today I am so excited to share my interview with Keith and Sheila Hittner from the Our Healthy Homes radio show. In this dynamic episode we talk about why I became a mediator and how I work with and support my clients. We also discuss one of the biggest stressors in relationships, why mediation is so important, and who is a good fit for mediation. Tune in to learn more about the mediation process from beginning to end and so much more!

In this episode:

[01:00] Why Lesa became a mediator. [05:00] Why finances are stressors in relationships. Can a couple fighting over finances come to an agreement and stay together? [09:20] Building a mindful budget. [10:45] How does Lesa help her clients do divorce differently? [16:00] What does the mediation process look like? [21:30] How does Lesa work with different personality types? [23:00] Lesa shares how being a mediator has helped her grow as a person. [25:00] Lesa shares her online Minnesota Divorce Course. [30:00] Why working together with a mediator through divorce can work. [36:00] Why being honest through the divorce process is so important to create a successful divorce plan.

Key Takeaways:

Finances are one of the main stressors in relationships. Divorce is hard. There are a lot of emotions and frustrations involved. A mediator can help a divorcing couple work through that process and set themselves up for success. You can make your divorce how you want it. It will be within the parameters of the law, but it’s your divorce. As long as you understand what you are doing, shouldn’t you be the one deciding that?

Quotes:

“Money is stressful. There may not be enough of it or you may feel like one person isn’t pulling their weight or someone loses a job, that can add stress and lead someone down the road towards divorce.” - Lesa Koski

“Sometimes the people you love the most are the ones you’re not the best to.” - Lesa Koski

“If you want to find what the problem is, most of the time the problem is looking back at you in the mirror. So if you deal with your own issues, you’re better able to get along with other people.” - Keith Hittner

Resources:

Lesa Koski Website

Lesa’s Online Courses

Our Healthy Homes Website

Our Healthy Homes Facebook

Our Healthy Homes Twitter

Our Healthy Homes Podcast

Mentioned in this episode:

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Do you love Doing Divorce Different and want to hear more from Lesa Koski and her amazing guests? Tune in to the Saddle Up Live Podcast, a transformative podcast tailored for women aged 40 and beyond, where courage, God's grace, and a touch of sass are the driving forces behind conquering life's challenges.

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Saddle Up Segments are bite-size, bonus episodes offering one thing our listeners can do right away to add value to their life. During this week's episode, Brian Burns shares the five stages of grief and how they are similar when going through a divorce, as you are experiencing the death of the marriage. He talks about how important it is to utilize talk therapy. Finding someone you can confide in and feel seen and known is vital in working through grief. Like what you're hearing? Be sure to check out the full-length episodes and new releases every Tuesday.

Resources

Brian Burns Website

Psychology Today for Therapy

Lesa Koski Website

Lesa’s Online Courses

Mentioned in this episode:

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Do you love Doing Divorce Different and want to hear more from Lesa Koski and her amazing guests? Tune in to the Saddle Up Live Podcast, a transformative podcast tailored for women aged 40 and beyond, where courage, God's grace, and a touch of sass are the driving forces behind conquering life's challenges.

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Today, we are joined by marriage and family therapist Brian Burns to discuss grief. Brian starts the conversation by defining grief and the five different stages that someone goes through when experiencing grief. He explains what complicated grief is and how grief ties into getting divorced as it is the death of your marriage. Brian provides excellent tips on noticing the signs of getting stuck in grief and how to cope with complicated feelings. This episode is full of great information and steps on moving forward in your life after the event that causes grief in your life.

In this episode:

[2:27] Brian defines grief and what it can look like. [8:15] Brain talks about his experience dealing with internal struggles after dropping children off at college.[10:35] What is complicated vs. uncomplicated grief? [14:49] Where do people get stuck with grief, and how do they cope with the feelings? [18:20] What does it mean to take care of your life? [22:30] What is the ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) score? [23:43] What should you look for when finding a therapist?

Key Takeaways:

The five stages of grief are denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance; however, they don't happen linearly. Each person handles the stages of grief in a different order and, at times, goes back to the stages multiple times. Complicated grief is what a person experiences when handling something that shouldn't have happened, such as the death of a child or divorce. It is something you cannot understand that wasn’t supposed to happen. This is different than uncomplicated grief, which is something that was expected to happen, such as someone dying from old age. To move through grief, you must take charge of your life. Understand who you are, what's important to you, who you want to be ten years from now, and who you are as a parent. When you have answers to these questions, you have resilience which helps you handle the situations that come your way.

Quotes:

“When you lose a marriage that was important to you, that never is ok, that's never the way it's supposed to be. But it is what happened. So acceptance means the ability to tolerate or manage or shoulder the new reality and still have a meaningful, happy purpose-driven life.” - Brian Burns

“Divorce is complicated grief because even if you are in the position of choosing it because your seeing the marriage is no longer healthy for you or anyone, there's still the what ifs, there's still that sense of what does this mean about me, could I have prevented this, what could my partner have done, did I choose wrong?” - Brian Burns

“When life kicks you in the ass, that's a chance to take the exit that you choose, to take control in a way that leads you to a life of more meaning, more knowledge, more experience, that is just as happy and fulfilling as the one you lost, or that was taken from you.” - Brian Burns

Resources:

Brian Burns Website

Psychology Today for Therapy

Lesa Koski Website

Lesa’s Online Courses

Mentioned in this episode:

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Do you love Doing Divorce Different and want to hear more from Lesa Koski and her amazing guests? Tune in to the Saddle Up Live Podcast, a transformative podcast tailored for women aged 40 and beyond, where courage, God's grace, and a touch of sass are the driving forces behind conquering life's challenges.

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Saddle Up Segments are bite-size, bonus episodes offering one thing our listeners can do right away to add value to their life. During part two of our episode on narcissism, Tracy shares three pieces of advice. First, protect yourself emotionally through this long process. Next, don’t give up hope; this will end one day - focus on the fact that you are free from the abuse and able to move on with your life. Lastly, ensure you have as much detail as possible in the divorce decree limiting any areas of gray space. Like what you're hearing? Be sure to check out the full-length episodes and new releases every Tuesday.

Resources

Divorcing Your Narcissist Book

Targeted Healing Journals

Narcissist Abuse Support Website

Lesa Koski Website

Lesa’s Online Courses

Mentioned in this episode:

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Do you love Doing Divorce Different and want to hear more from Lesa Koski and her amazing guests? Tune in to the Saddle Up Live Podcast, a transformative podcast tailored for women aged 40 and beyond, where courage, God's grace, and a touch of sass are the driving forces behind conquering life's challenges.

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Today we have part two of our Divorcing Your Narcissist episode with Tracy Malone. During this portion of the episode, one of Lesa’s clients comes on to ask questions regarding what she is experiencing in her divorce. Tracy helps the client navigate how to handle triggers and keep herself from shutting down. How to decide what is worth fighting for and knowing the rights around large items like pension and retirement. Lastly, Tracy gives wonderful advice about “Narc-Proofing,” the divorce decree to eliminate gray areas. Tune in to this episode for some incredible coaching tips to set yourself up for success when divorcing a narcissist.

In this episode:

[1:35] Lesa’s client joins the episode to ask her questions. [2:54] The best ways to deal with outlandish accusations and triggers [7:57] How do you make the decision-making process move from mediation to court? [10:34] Decision-making tips around what to fight for and what to let go. [16:40] How do you “Narc-proof” your divorce decree?

Key Takeaways:

Narcissists know your triggers, so they will always go after your greatest strengths. Their goal is to shut you down, so the goal is knowing that this is a game and you have to keep yourself from shutting down. Prepare yourself so that you can protect yourself. Research your rights when going through a divorce on the big things (pension, retirement, the house, etc.) If you are fighting over more minor things like items in the home, determine if the item is worth the amount of money it will cost to fight for it. Make sure everything is mapped out to the extreme detail. There should be no gray areas in the divorce decree. Write out the specifics so if they go through any gray areas, they are in contempt of court. Include dates and times for everything.

Quotes:

“We can't control what they’re going to say or do. And so for us, we have to manage how we respond to them.” - Tracy Malone

“They're just intimidating you; their entitlement to everything is not true. This is gaslighting 101; this is how they keep a victim trapped by not letting them know their options. Most people will fall and just be like, oh, ok, I don't get anything; I’ll take this much because they’re used to being manipulated.” - Tracy Malone

“Knowing that the narc-proofing is really making sure that everything has a date and a time and if he’s supposed to pay you payments.” - Tracy Malone

Guest Bio:

Tracy Malone is a survivor of narcissistic abuse. As soon as she learned what the heck all the crazy people in her life were doing, she started teaching, sharing, and bringing others to understand. Tracy has been abused her whole life but only learned 18 months ago her mother, her sisters, her ex-husband, his crazy family, and ultimately a boyfriend of 2.5 years that caused this transition in her life with his horrific discard. Tracy has spoken to and helped hundreds of survivors, and she can help you with private coaching and virtual online group narcissist abuse support meetups. She lives in Colorado and owns a marketing company that helps businesses understand how to market. Everything from their website to SEO and social media.

Resources:

Divorcing Your Narcissist Book

Targeted Healing Journals

Narcissist Abuse Support Website

Lesa Koski Website

Lesa’s Online Courses

Mentioned in this episode:

Saddle Up Live Podcast Ad

Do you love Doing Divorce Different and want to hear more from Lesa Koski and her amazing guests? Tune in to the Saddle Up Live Podcast, a transformative podcast tailored for women aged 40 and beyond, where courage, God's grace, and a touch of sass are the driving forces behind conquering life's challenges.

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Saddle Up Segments are bite-size, bonus episodes offering one thing our listeners can do right away to add value to their life. During part one of our episode about narcissism, Tracy said that the most common indicator that someone is narcissistic is that they have no compassion for you. Narcissism is on a broad spectrum, so if you feel like a narcissist has impacted your life, I encourage you to focus on your healing vs. giving them a label. Like what you're hearing? Be sure to check out the full-length episodes and new releases every Tuesday.

Resources

Divorcing Your Narcissist Book

Lesa Koski Website

Lesa’s Online Courses

Mentioned in this episode:

Saddle Up Live Podcast Ad

Do you love Doing Divorce Different and want to hear more from Lesa Koski and her amazing guests? Tune in to the Saddle Up Live Podcast, a transformative podcast tailored for women aged 40 and beyond, where courage, God's grace, and a touch of sass are the driving forces behind conquering life's challenges.

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In today’s episode, we are joined by Author and Private Coach, Tracy Malone.  Tracy has dealt with narcissism her whole life with her family and relationships. Today she talks to us about the signs of narcissism. Tracy covers what it can be like when someone becomes aware that they are in a relationship with a narcissist. Many people may be unaware that their loved one is a narcissist and don’t learn until they are faced with a divorce. Tune in today to know what to look out for and how to navigate healing from a narcissistic relationship. Don’t forget to tune in next week for part 2 of this episode!

In this episode:

[1:35] Tracy shares her difficult divorce from her narcissistic ex husband. [5:35] Is it common for people to be unaware of narcissism? [7:04] Does Tracy work with people still healing from a history of narcissism? [8:49] What are the signs of narcissism? [14:37] How can marriages last 30-40 years if one spouse is a narcissist? [16:08] Tracy talks about what self-absorption means. [17:05] Can a narcissist do mediation, or is it a fight in court?

Key Takeaways:

Gaslighting creates an environment where you begin to question reality. You start to lose your identity and forget your worth. Narcissists can have fun but can also be cruel to their children behind closed doors or show false love, which keeps family and friends close. It is common for them to be passive-aggressive and to give the silent treatment. This can make divorcing a narcissist very challenging. The biggest sign that someone is a narcissist is that they have no compassion for others, even the person they’ve been with for many years. They can be married to someone for 30+ years and suddenly not care about the other person's well-being.

Quotes:

“I think most people don't know it until they are faced with divorce. Someone says, `You know I think they are narcissists’, and they start to do the deep dive that I did.” - Tracy Malone

“The public persona of what our family was, was so not the reality, but that was what they were selling.” - Tracy Malone

“Narcissists use false love to manipulate people; they are selfish. They have no ability to feel shame, empathy, or guilt. Therefore they can do whatever they want; it doesn't matter if you've been married to them for 30 years, you are pond scum to them when they can only see black and white.” - Tracy Malone

“During divorce, something happens. We call it a narcissistic injury. Whether they decided or you decided, basically, you go from all good to all evil.”  - Tracy Malone

Guest Bio:

Tracy Malone is a survivor of narcissistic abuse. As soon as she learned what the heck all the crazy people in her life were doing, she started teaching, sharing, and bringing others to understand. Tracy has been abused her whole life but only learned 18 months ago her mother, her sisters, her ex-husband, his crazy family, and ultimately a boyfriend of 2.5 years that caused this transition in her life with his horrific discard.

Tracy has spoken to and helped hundreds of survivors, and she can help you with private coaching and virtual online group narcissist abuse support meetups.

She lives in Colorado and owns a marketing company that helps businesses understand how to market. Everything from their website to SEO and social media.

Resources:

Divorcing Your Narcissist Book

Lesa Koski Website

Lesa’s Online Courses

Mentioned in this episode:

Saddle Up Live Podcast Ad

Do you love Doing Divorce Different and want to hear more from Lesa Koski and her amazing guests? Tune in to the Saddle Up Live Podcast, a transformative podcast tailored for women aged 40 and beyond, where courage, God's grace, and a touch of sass are the driving forces behind conquering life's challenges.

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