The loss of a senior parent brings home renewed urgency for adult children to have difficult conversations with aging parents who struggle with declining health. Ellie Brown, VP of Sales at Chateau Retirement, joins Suzanne Newman on the Answers for Elders podcast to share the story of the recent loss of her father.

Ellie says, "My own father, who has been a life force for my senior living career forever, because he's refusing to go live in 'those senior living places,' wants to be on his own. And the conversations in my own life have been trying to build the urgency with my family members, and him, to realize it is not a failure to move into senior living. You aren't admitting defeat because you decide you want to be in a safe environment, or you can live independently but maybe you don't need care yet, but you started falling.

"My own father has been having medical issues, and falls, and falls, and me every Sunday for hours, 'Dad, I really want you to consider moving into senior living, because we know, Dad, it's proven that once you start [having] these falls... the rates exceptionally accelerate that you're going to have a traumatic fall. And your wish is to hold on to this ideal that you're going to somehow pass in your sleep, miraculously.'

"And so I went on my vacation on July 20th -- and took him up for Father's Day in May, and gave him a hug, and I said, I'm going on vacation on the 20th. My last directive to you is no falling, and don't get into any trouble. So I was on my vacation and he was having a good time. He was talking about his tomatoes and having a lovely summer. And on the Saturday night before I flew out, I got the call from Harborview Trauma Center that he had had that tragic, traumatic fall. And he had been alone for hours upon hours in his home. And, and there we were, me trying to get back home.

"And it was the Don't Wait Too Late — which I have the trademark pending already for. Now I'm living it. I respect that he had, and everybody has, the right to say, I choose to stay home. Do they really understand what that does to the grandkids, and the great grandkids, and the daughters, and the sons, who now have to live the trauma of the Trauma Unit at Harborview? I don't know that they truly understand that.

"So how do we build the urgency to say, it's not defeat? No, it is not defeat to say, 'This next adventure, I'm going to embrace that. This next adventure, I'm going to go in there and make it what I need and want it to be.' My dad was cognitively fine. He was fine. He could have done cognitively another ten, 15 years... Don't Wait Too Late is getting ahead of it, because if you're ahead of it, you get to choose where.

"So let's say my dad had survived this fall. He would have been still injured enough where he wouldn't have been on the front end of that decision. Did we lose some years because I didn't effectively get him convinced? Maybe.

"My personal story is a teaching moment for us all. How do we build urgency without scaring people away, but also have that hard conversation to say it's time, or something's going to happen. You're either not going to survive — and it's going to be brutal for your family — or you're not on the front end of that decision, because then all sorts of other things come into play. Do you have the right POA, do you have the right executor?"

Chateau Retirement provides independent living, assisted living, and memory care services. They have been locally owned and family operated for more than 25 years. Chateau Retirement has three communities in Washington's Seattle/Puget Sound area: Chateau Pacific in Lynnwood, Bothell Landing in Bothell, and Chateau Valley Center in Renton.

Visit them online or call 800.960.1944. Also visit Chateau's specialist page on Answers for Elders to hear more of their shows.

Check out our affiliate podcast Alzheimer’s Speaks.

Mentioned in this episode:

Chateau Retirement

Chateau Retirement