Dot to Dot

I first came across George Bonanno’s work when I was struggling with the death of my Dad 10 years ago. His first book, the Other Side of Sadness helped me to reframe what I was experiencing in an incredibly helpful way and I have since bought it numerous times to comfort other people. One of the things I found most intriguing was how concepts such as the Kubler Ross model of the stages of grief are not actually scientifically founded. In other words we’re clinging on to a model that is made up and doesn’t actually reflect how most people respond. So, I was really excited to have the opportunity to speak to him. In this episode we talk about how resilience works and George’s most recent book The End of Trauma (which in spite of the title is relevant to anyone and everyone). We discuss how normal resilience actually is and how our expectations of traumatic responses come from studying the more severe clinical cases rather than how the ‘average’ person responds. 

George was not only in New York during the 9/11 attacks but actually went down to the site to help so he doesn’t just speak from a scientific perspective but from one lived and breathed himself. But another perhaps surprising yet true fact is that we hugely over-estimated the number of people who would suffer from trauma even as a result of that horrific event. Why, well people are overwhelmingly resilient to adversity. What we often interpret as PTSD are signs of a natural process of learning how to deal with a specific situation. We can cope far more effectively if we understand how this process works, which we also discuss. 

Bio - Dr. George Bonanno is a professor of psychology, chair of the department of counseling in clinical psychology, and director of the Loss, Trauma, and Emotion Lab at Teachers College Columbia University. 

Website: www.tc.columbia.edu/LTElab/

Twitter: @giorgiobee 

For more from me go to: 

https://fionamurden.com

If you are curious about who you are, your brain and the influences in your life then please dip into my more recent book Mirror Thinking – How Role Models Make Us Human. 

https://bit.ly/MirrThink

My book Defining You - How to Build Your Unique Personal Profile and Unlock Your True Potential can be found at via these links and in all good book stores:

https://bit.ly/DefiningYou2ndEd

For more on Fiona visit www.fionamurden.com 

We also discuss the subtlety of understanding our mental health and emotions. Giving in too much can actually lead to a dangerous negative spiral, but how it’s equally damaging to ignore our distress or negative feeling feelings or not have any support in processing them. Psychology, the brain and behaviour are incredibly nuanced. Anna explains how being able to name our emotions and have a broad vocabulary for them can be surprisingly effective. She for example took it upon herself to find an array of words for anger (which by the way it’s OK to feel, just not to act on – another nuance we chat about) which you can find below. Anna also explains how critical it is to build our own personal toolkit so that we have the right tools for different emotional responses in different contexts. 

Dr Anna Colton, is a chartered clinical psychologist and executive coach, specialising in the Adolescence, Eating disorders, the Bar, elite performance and stage fright.

In addition to her adolescent, coaching and legal practices, Dr Anna has worked with the leads and casts of many West End shows, is the psychologist on Matilda the musical and consults to many other theatre companies. She also works with TV companies to ensure the psychological safety of participants in their shows.

She can often be seen or heard on the TV and radio discussing a range of mental health and well-being topics.

For more on Dr. Anna go to: 

www.dranna.co.uk

For more from me go to:

www.fionamurden.com

Anna’s list of angry words are below: 

Angry

Annoyed

Affronted

Agitated

Antagonised

Bitter 

Cantankerous

Cross

Chafed

Convulsed

Choked

Choleric

Churlish

Crotchety

Disagreeable

Displeased

Enraged 

Exasperated

Furious

Fuming

Ferocious 

Fiery 

Fractious 

Fretful 

Galled

Grumpy 

Grouchy

Huffy

Hacked off

Hot

Heated 

Impatient

Incensed

Incandescent

Indignant

Ill-humoured

Ill-tempered 

Irritable

Irate 

Irritated

Irascible

Inflamed

Infuriated 

Ireful

Irked

Livid

Mad

Maddened

Miffed

Narked

Narkey

Nettled 

Outraged 

Offended

Peeved

Petulant

Pissed

Pissed off 

Piqued

Provoked 

Put out

Raging 

Ranting

Ratty

Raving 

Resentful 

Riled 

Sore

Splenic

Snappy

Storming

Sullen

Sulky 

Stewing 

Tetchy 

Testy 

Turbulent 

Terrifying 

Tumult

Wrathful 

Vexed 

For more on Fiona visit www.fionamurden.com 

Founder of KnowThyBrand, Giulia is a social entrepreneur dedicated to helping women in business to build sustainable ventures and career paths. She is mother of three boys who she is bringing up to respect women and bring their attention to what women can achieve “It’s as important for boys to see women can do anything as it is to see men doing anything.” She role-models this approach in all she does and says, which is underpinned by both her drive for social justice and her ever inquisitive approach to understanding the world and her place in it. 

Giulia’s social enterprise KnowThyBrand is committed to enabling women to build sustainable businesses and career paths through strategic branding and effective gender inclusion solutions. Their values, the guiding principles that shape everything we do as a social enterprise are:

Equality – We believe in social equality and support women’s equality and empowerment as part of the solution.

Equity – We recognise that each person has different circumstances and that different resources and opportunities are needed to reach the same outcome.

Sisterhood – We believe in the collective power of women working together and consistently inspiring each other to achieve their highest potential.

For more from Giulia go to:

https://knowthybrand.com

https://www.linkedin.com/in/giulia-iannucci/

For more from me go to: 

https://fionamurden.com

If you are curious about who you are, your brain and the influences in your life then please dip into my more recent book Mirror Thinking – How Role Models Make Us Human. 

https://bit.ly/MirrThink

My book Defining You - How to Build Your Unique Personal Profile and Unlock Your True Potential can be found at via these links and in all good book stores:

https://bit.ly/DefiningYou2ndEd

For more on Fiona visit www.fionamurden.com 

We discuss the importance of this type of longitudinal research (i.e. research that involves repeated observations of the same variables over periods of time) in understanding how the brain develops in children who have autism and other neurodevelopmental disabilities. As well as exploring Dr. Wu Nordahl’s findings we also explore why there is less research carried out on girls and non-binary children with autism. With regard to girls this is in part because of their tendency to mask their natural tendencies and preferences socially meaning it’s less often diagnosed, as a result research has predominantly been carried out on boys with autism. Dr. Wu Nordahl has worked really hard to improve the ratio of males to females in her cohorts helping to advance our understanding of some of the neurological nuances the sex differences represent.

Christine’s research program at the UC Davis MIND Institute utilizes structural and functional MRI scans to study brain development in autism across the life span. Since 2006, she has led neuroimaging efforts of the Autism Phenome Project and Girls with Autism - Imaging of Neurodevelopment study, two integrated longitudinal, interdisciplinary studies aimed at identifying clinically meaningful subtypes of autism. She is particularly committed to evaluating the entire autism spectrum, including girls with autism as well as the entire range of intellectual abilities. In 2021, she and her team initiated NeuroTeens, a social support group for neurodivergent girls and non-binary teens.

For more on Fiona visit www.fionamurden.com 

Todd Kashdan is leading expert on the psychology of well-being, curiosity, psychological strengths, mental agility, and social relationships. His research has been featured in the Harvard Business Review, New York Times, and Forbes amongst many other publications. In 2010, he received the Distinguished Faculty Member of the Year Award at George Mason University and in 2013, he received the Distinguished Early Career Researcher Award by the American Psychological Association. His latest book, The Art of Insubordination, is for anyone who wants to see more justice, creativity & innovation in the world. He is also the author of Curious?, The Upside of Your Darkside, and Designing Positive Psychology. 

Todd’s work is right at the front of my first book Defining You opening with how to keep your mind as open and flexible as possible in order to explore your own story. I approached Todd for permission to include his curiosity inventory and he very generously said yes. 

Todd has done some fantastic work from research to writing and his website https://toddkashdan.com/ is really worth exploring. 

We discuss ageism and how Todd says that he obsesses over social norms that are dysfunctional. Take for example Silicon Valley rebuffing the idea of giving anyone over the age of 25 a second look for job opportunities. How we don’t have a cultural respect for our elders like in Asian cultures and if we did we that maybe we’d gain wisdom from the people right there in our families rather than having to refer to books. But Todd also raises how ageism is directed both ways – the older generations can dismiss the younger or refuse to learn and be inflexible to changes that are coming through. We need more cross-pollination of intergenerational thinking. 

We discuss false information and Todd explains how “the information that we’re first exposed to is rarely right wherever that’s from” yet we tend to take the view of people we perceive as socially attractive, and dismiss those who are not. When coming to a ‘point of view’ Todd encourages us all to stop and ask ourselves these questions: 

• What is the evidence for the position that I’m emotionally tied to right now?
• What is the best evidence for the alternative viewpoint?
• Why do I believe the evidence I hold near and dear?
• Why am I dismissing evidence to a counter point?
• What evidence would be required to change my mind?”

By doing this we show intellectual humility, curiosity and perspective taking helping to play our part in making the world a better place to be.  

Todd recently published a piece on ‘The 10 principles for having constructive conflict in organisations’. Something we need to do if we’re to ensure diversity. We discuss how important this is in boardrooms to classrooms and Todd emphasizes how important it is to “allow people to disagree even as minorities of one, not because they might be right but just because it allows everyone to see like ‘oh maybe we are prematurely closing on one viewpoint too quickly.’”

When it comes to the learning Todd comments on the strange societal attitude we have to learning. “The notion of living until you're in your 80s and 90s and yet you’re done with formal education after college at the age of around 22. So for the next 40 years you just you wing it and you go into your silo in terms of your own individual searches for books and for information online.” And poses the question to you the listener of “What is the fundamental list of life skills that everyone should learn?” I’d love to know your thoughts. 

For more on Fiona visit www.fionamurden.com 

Tim has been presenting on live weekend TV for over 16 years and with over 1500 hours under his belt. He first became well known for hosting and producing Sky Sports football show Soccer AM over the course of eleven years. The show steadily grew in popularity and enjoyed cult viewing status - much is said to be much down to Tim's “dry wit and sense of humour”. After this he joined BBC Radio 5 Live as the Wednesday night host of a football show. He was on Celebrity Master Chef in 2011, has been a guest presenter on Blue Peter and co-presented the Sunday morning TV programme Something for the Weekend on BBC2. Tim also has a podcast called The Lovejoy Hour (I’ve even been a guest). The link for his podcast is below. You can tune into watch Tim on Channel4 (in the UK) 9.30am-11.30am every Sunday morning. 

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-lovejoy-hour/

For more from me follow these links: 

If you are curious about who you are, your brain and the influences in your life then please dip into my more recent book Mirror Thinking – How Role Models Make Us Human. 

https://bit.ly/MirrThink

My book Defining You - How to Build Your Unique Personal Profile and Unlock Your True Potential can be found at via these links and in all good book stores globally:

https://bit.ly/DefiningYou2ndEd

Connect with me at:

Instagram:www.instagram.com/fiona_murden

Twitter:https://twitter.com/fionamurden

Facebook:https://facebook.com/fionamurden

For more on Fiona visit www.fionamurden.com 

In October 2020 the total world population was 7.81 billion people, and a whopping 4.14 billion of those people were using social media. And the amount of time spent on social media is increasing, with the typical user now spending roughly 4 hours of their day (that’s a quarter of our waking life) on social platforms. 

Social media has been described as more addictive than cigarettes and alcohol. Lou and I talk about the tricks of the social media giants trades from ‘intermittent reinforcements’ such as the pull down to refresh feature to the way in which we end up relying on social media for our stored memories (known in the trade as investment). The tech giants really do steal our attention in exchange for commercial gain. We also chat about what you can do to make your own experience more positive. Part of the negative impact of social media on our well-being is that it takes us away from other activities that are essential to our brain health such as sleep and face-to-face social interaction. So the most obvious strategy to combat the impact of social media on your well-being is to give it a break or stop using it. But that’s not the only option, try monitoring how much you use social media and exactly how it’s impacting you. You may be surprised by the patterns that emerge. (For more on techniques for modifying your social media use to make it more healthy check out the Chapter 10 in the second edition of Defining You). 

Defining You - How to Build Your Unique Personal Profile and Unlock Your True Potential can be found at via this link and in all good book stores:

https://bit.ly/DefiningYou2ndEd

Connect with us/ask us any questions on:

Instagram:www.instagram.com/fiona_murden

Twitter:https://twitter.com/fionamurden

Or for Lou

Instagram:www.instagram.com/loupylou78

Twitter:https://twitter.com/louisejones78

For more on Fiona visit www.fionamurden.com 

Ahead of his new book on trauma coming out it's the main theme of our discussion with an explanation of how Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) can reach aspects that are otherwise so hard to treat. Russ explains how when people have experienced trauma and it is deeply held it’s far more difficult to reach and heal through words. Although it’s not impossible, it takes a lot longer and a match with the right therapist. While words can create pain, we don’t experience pain in words. The ACT approach to trauma goes first to the body and emotions which enables a much quicker recovery leading to what is known as Post Traumatic Growth. 

Links to Russ's books we refer to:

The Happiness Trap: Stop Struggling, Start Living by Russ Harris

Trauma Focussed ACT A Practitioner's Guide to Working with Mind, Body, and Emotion Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

For more from us follow these links: 

If you are curious about who you are, your brain and the influences in your life then please dip into my more recent book Mirror Thinking – How Role Models Make Us Human. 

My book Defining You - How to Build Your Unique Personal Profile and Unlock Your True Potential can be found at via the link and in all good book stores.

Connect with us/ask us any questions on:

Instagram:www.instagram.com/fiona_murden

Twitter:https://twitter.com/fionamurden

Facebook:https://facebook.com/fionamurden

Or for Lou

Instagram:www.instagram.com/loupylou78

Twitter:https://twitter.com/louisejones78

For more on Fiona visit www.fionamurden.com 

We look at the different aspects relating to heroism talking about how for example psychologist Frank Farley distinguishes two types of hero - "big H" heroism and "small h heroism." How being a hero doesn’t mean being perfect in the same way that being a role-model relates to all of us in some way or another. We even consider whether you can become more heroic and if so what you need to do. Curious – take a listen to this week’s episode. 

If you are curious about who you are, your brain and the influences in your life then please dip into my more recent book Mirror Thinking – How Role Models Make Us Human. 

https://bit.ly/MirrThink

Connect with us/ask us any questions on:

Instagram:www.instagram.com/fiona_murden

Twitter:https://twitter.com/fionamurden

Facebook:https://facebook.com/fionamurden

Or for Lou

Instagram:www.instagram.com/loupylou78

Twitter:https://twitter.com/louisejones78

For more on Fiona visit www.fionamurden.com 

Maddy has appeared in sitcoms for BBC Three, BBC One, ITV and Channel 4. She’s had four sell-out solo comedies at Underbelly, Gilded Balloon, Latitude Festival Main Stage, and the Soho Theatre. Maddy also wrote and starred in her own comedy for BBC Radio 4.

Maddy has also been a speaker for over a decade, she was a panellist for The Guardian for International Women’s Day, for Facebook and AllBright.

She tweets @maddy_anholt.

To buy Maddy’s book go to:

https://www.panmacmillan.com/authors/maddy-anholt/

If you are need help or refuge please go to these links:

UK

https://www.refuge.org.uk

https://www.womensaid.org.uk

USA & Canada

https://www.domesticshelters.org

Australia

https://www.womenscommunityshelters.org.au

New Zealand

https://womensrefuge.org.nz
 

For more on Fiona visit www.fionamurden.com