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#107: Do You Say No Enough?

Welcome to the Mindset for Life podcast. This is Bethanie, your coach from Dr. B coach.com. Coaching with power, purpose and practical tools to help you show up with confidence.

Welcome to the podcast. So excited to have you with us. Today we're going to talk about saying no, in fact, the question today is, do you say no enough? Do you need to say no more often? Do you feel like your time is sucked away and you have no control over your opportunities or your time? If that's you, it's definitely time to think about saying no much more often.

There was an episode some time ago about you saying no too much. And that episode was about saying no to yourself, saying no to the things that you care most about saying no to your priorities. But today's episode number 107, we're talking about saying no much more often. So if you don't say no to other people, you are in fact saying no to yourself.

And you might be saying yes to things that you really want to do. These are great opportunities, great things that you want to go participate in people you want to be with. But in the end, it's not really what you want long term. So you get caught up in this whole time suck.

There's no time left, you're exhausted, you're overcommitted, you're overwhelmed. And you're wondering where to draw the line, how you can really stop the madness. And now it's time to start saying, No.

Today we're going to talk about this, gonna give you a couple of tips to help you say no to the things that you want to say no to give you a little courage on that. And we might as well dive right in.

Our time and commitments change as we age.

I just want to give you a little bit of background about myself as a person. I grew up with many, many options and opportunities. I was very blessed, very fortunate in my young life. I was in music, I learned piano from third grade onward. And I was in band, I got to play the trumpet, the flute, the tenor saxophone, and a bunch of other instruments too, when I was still in public school, so I had a lot of opportunities. As a result, I wrote music. So I composed music when I was a young person. And when I was a senior in high school, I wrote a musical. This musical had a lot of songs and a lot of speaking parts. And I wrote all the songs. And I recruited all my friends to be in the musical. Lots of people at my church came and made a nice, big audience. And I played the piano for all of those songs.

So I accompanied all of those songs too. I was pretty involved. I just did a lot of stuff. And I was also a science kid. So I took chemistry and physics and all the things that I loved. Early in high school, I took biology, in junior high, and there's just a lot that I was doing. I was not into sports, I was not a sports person. And that probably would have really made my time crazy and out of control. Because as you know, music activities take a lot. But I can speak from a place of knowing when I say it's easy to sign on for the next thing and the next thing until pretty soon, you want to do everything. You just want to do it all.

And when you're in that space, you don't know what you should choose and what you shouldn't. You're just going to say yes to all those activities. And in my young life, I felt that was okay, because there were very few actual responsibilities. But as an adult, that's dangerous.

We can't say yes to every single thing. If we take on every work project, if we take on every presentation opportunity, if we take on every chance for advancement or something new and special, we're going to be exhausted.

The other side of that coin is that if we say yes to everything,

#106: How to Set Priorities for Your Time

Welcome to the Mindset for Life podcast. This is Bethanie, your coach from Dr. B coach.com. Coaching with power, purpose and practical tools to help you show up with confidence.

We're gonna talk about a mindset to set priorities around your time.

What if there were these road signs in your life? Like you're driving around and you see a stop sign or a green light. What if in your life, these signs just sort of popped up in the corner of your view? What if you could just see exactly what the right choices were? And you didn't have to think so much about it? Wouldn't that be amazing.

And of course, that's not going to happen, because life doesn't work that way. In fact, if we had signs popping up all the time, telling us exactly what priorities to set, and how to manage our time, it would drive us crazy. Most of us would be super frustrated that we didn't have any choices at all. And of course, life is all about choices.

Choices about what we do with our time, who we spend our time with, what we make important to us in our lives, and about the priorities we decide are most important for us. Well, I have news for you today. What you are spending your time on right now in your life in this season tells the whole world including you what your true priorities are.

That's right, whatever you are spending all of your time doing, that tells us what your priorities might be.

I used to think that I was just too busy all the time, I would be studying, reading, doing some kind of learning activity. And I would also be doing something like working full time, maybe I was taking care of my family trying to raise my kids. Pretending and trying very hard to have a clean house, but failing miserably. And telling the story that I just didn't have enough time for all of this. And I could never quite measure up.

In fact, I think I lived in sort of this fight or flight constant state of overwhelm, thinking, I couldn't control all these things in my life, because they were all important. I needed to do all of these things.

Fast forward several years, many years, and I'm a lot older, and I have a lot more life experience. But I've learned a lot too. Perhaps you know what I'm talking about when I think about my priorities. So when I think about the way I spend my time, and I decide what I want to do with my time, if I look over the day, I can honestly say what my priorities are. If I want to sit and watch YouTube videos all day long, then leisure and loafing and relaxing and watching crazy stuff, that's going to be my priority.

But if I want to get up really early, and I go for a walk, do a little bit of stretching, take care of my physical exercise first, and then I get the dishes done. And then I run upstairs and do some of my work, make a few phone calls, connect with some people, and take care of my dog. And also spend time with my husband on the phone at lunchtime. All those things tell me that I have a lot of priorities. But I'm gonna do them in a way that helps me to touch those people that matter. Have that face time that I care so much about as an extroverted person. I'm also I'm going to break it up.

So I have a lot of energy and I can really manage my energy. One of the best things I could possibly do for myself is to exercise or walk first thing in the morning. Then get it done so I can check that box. But also it sets the tone for my whole day gives me a ton of energy makes me feel amazing.

What are your top priorities?

What you think about how you want to get up in the morning? What do you want those first 15 or 20 minutes to look like for you? Do you want to relax and leisurely get up out of the bed and calmly kind of ease into the day? Or do you want to leap out of bed and have your guns blazing (metaphorically speaki...

#105: A Mindset to Know that You Matter

This is episode number 105, A mindset to know that you matter. This is the mindset for life podcast. This is Bethanie, your coach from Dr. B coach.com. Coaching with power, purpose and practical tools, to help you show up with confidence.

Welcome to the Mindset for Life podcast, I'm very excited to share with you today the topic, which is about how much you matter. This is about a mindset for knowing that you matter. And how can you do this? That's pretty crazy, right? Because don't other people help us to know that we matter or make an impact or make a difference in the world?

I'm going to challenge that notion today. In fact, I think it's our job to decide that we matter and to know that we matter. It's not other people's job to tell us or to convince us of how much we matter. And when we decide that we matter as much as other people, we can show up more authentically and better than we ever could before.

So today we're going to talk about how you matter and how to develop a mindset to know that you matter. We're just going to jump right in.

We all want to be seen, known, and loved.

I was talking with someone earlier today who wanted to be seen just wanted to be noticed, acknowledged and appreciated at work. And when I was talking to this man, it was pretty obvious that he did not feel like his work made much of a difference. In fact, he wanted to know that he mattered. He started looking for other jobs a few months back and toyed with the idea of leaving his position to go to a new role. And he also kind of had his fingers in way too many situations happening in his life, because he wanted to feel like he mattered.

After we discussed it a few times, that's what came out in the conversation. I could not have known that unless we explored it. And he didn't realize it until he hit on an either. Really all those things he was doing were just ways to try to get some feedback, try to get some knowledge about himself.

Don't we all do that? Sometimes, we just look for ways to know that we exist. That we belong, that we make a difference. That somebody sees us, that they care about us. It's the greatest feeling in the whole world to be truly seen, known and loved for who you really are. And in the roles that we play, there are so many opportunities to get this kind of feedback. The question is, how can we develop it for ourselves so we're not just people pleasing all the time, looking for affirmation and feedback?

Notice where you influence, and take note.

The first thing I'd like to suggest today is to look at all of the ways that you influence. There are so many things that you do in your daily life that influence situations, people. If you have a pet, even. You can think about the family dog. We have one.

He's about what a year and a half old. Before that we had a dog that was 13 years old, when he finally finally passed away. They overlapped a little bit. So we still had our older dog when we got the younger dog, and with any of those animals, they cared. They wanted to follow us around the house. Sure, they thought we were going to give them treats and play with them. Yes, that's true. But they also really just wanted to love us.

The older dog that I'm talking about was our Golden Retriever named Buddy. He was the sweetest dog ever. And he would just go under my desk when I was working and put his head on my shoe. And just love me while I was just doing my work ignoring him. He was so full of love, and he never really seemed to ask for anything. And if you're not familiar with this, I just want to say that golden retrievers have this shape to their mouth. That sort of looks like a perpetual smile. It's so delightful. When you look at a golden retriever you think they're just smiling at you, even though that's just the way their face looks.

This is episode number 104: Three ways to lift your mood (instantly).

Welcome to the mindset for life podcast. This is Bethanie Hansen, your coach. And I'm here to talk about three ways to lift your mood. Why would you want to lift your mood?

Well, there might be a reason; maybe you're going into a difficult meeting or conversation. Or maybe you're just trying to get through the work day and you can tell that your mood is low. Whatever the reason, lifting your mood is going to help you to perform better, and the things you do in work and in life. It'll help you show up in your relationships positively. And it will even help you feel great about yourself.

Whatever is happening in your life, in your work or in the world at large. Lifting your mood can have beneficial outcomes for you.

Strike a "Power Pose"

So the first way to lift your mood is simply to stand tall, raise your arms in the air, like you're making a Superman shape, or even the why and the YMCA song and breathe deeply. You can stretch your body out in this way. And you can feel all your muscles stretching, and you can get some oxygen flowing to your brain.

And that will help you to just move things along in your body and your mind. Breathing deeply stretching your arms out is an instant mood elevator. In fact, I believe it was Amy Cuddy, who did some research on this. And it's called a power pose.

When you put your arms in this large Y shape or V shape, like putting them out in their full extended strength, it makes you larger, it also helps you to feel power. Physically, it tells your brain that you're in charge.

And it can lift your mood instantly. If you're going into a job interview, or a difficult meeting, and you have a restroom or a bathroom, you could go into if there are people around, you could do this in private.

And you could just breathe deeply while you have that going with your arms. And you've already taken it up a level. So you've lifted your mood with just one simple action called a power pose.

Now, if you want a variation for that, one way I like to do this is to put my hands up in the air, my arms are straight, and I'm walking through a doorway. Because I'm five foot seven, I can touch that doorway easily. And I will just push my arms backwards just a tiny bit to even stretch them more. And it makes me feel alive and amazing. It's invigorating. And it also elevates my mood a little bit more. So there's your tip number one, lift your mood by stretching your arms all the way out and breathing deeply.

Listen to Energetic Music

The second way to lift your mood is probably my favorite number one way is music. Music can lift your mood and weighs almost nothing else can. Unless you choose not to listen to music, right again, do that because it's not reaching you anywhere. The the best kind of music, in my opinion, is 1980s Pop. And that just tells you what your I love.

So certain 1980s pop songs I can put on and they bring energy to me no matter where I am or what I'm doing because of the beat. And because of the message in the music, so they're happy. And even if they're breaking up with someone or they're singing about a negative subject 1980s Pop generally has a positive vibe to it. So the beat is a certain tempo that enlivens your soul and just brings energy to you. You know, the beat of the music really does have something to do with the energy that you get from that music.

You have a heartbeat that might be around 80 or 90 beats per minute during low activity levels or something like that. And if you start to exercise, maybe your heart, heart rates gonna go up to 120 Beats Per Minute 130. If you get music in that zone, and you just start listening to it, pretty soon you're moving faster, because it's pushing you to increase your physical activity.

This is episode number 103: Shorten your suffering. Welcome to the mindset for life Podcast. I'm Bethanie Hansen, your host, and I'm here to help you shorten your suffering today. The word suffering seems a little bit odd at times, I don't use that word in my vocabulary very much. Some people do. Perhaps you do. Maybe you don't. Regardless of how familiar that word is, we all suffer.

We might suffer other people's attitudes; we might suffer limits placed on us from the outside world or people around us. We might suffer from world events that are happening, that are far removed from us. Or we might suffer from them as they are literally impacting us. And we're involved in them.

We might suffer from the loss of other people; we might suffer from uncertainty. We might suffer from so many things in our lives that literally impact us every minute. But we can shorten our suffering.

And it doesn't mean that we're bad or wrong to try to do that. In fact, it means that we're intentionally trying to find something else to focus on. I used to think that if I was really happy in a negative situation, that other people would think I was out of touch with that situation. And that probably does happen. Maybe you've experienced that too, where either you or someone else was trying to be joyful or happy when it was a tough situation.

I've had my own share of difficult situations in life. And I choose intentionally. There's an option where I can review the events over and over. And I can sit in that horrible situation, and I can keep experiencing those same emotions. What we know about neuroscience is that our mindset of being stuck in a place mentally comes from replaying the same thoughts and the same emotions are going to happen.

Pretty soon those thought habits take over. And we have this whole habit of feeling those same feelings and thinking those same things. And then we behave in similar ways over time.

Somewhere in my life, when perhaps I was younger, I started to latch on to this idea that I could actually choose to focus on different thoughts. And over the course of my life, I have also learned that there are many other people out there, either through their research or their philosophy, who have discovered the same thing.

We can look at a situation and see what is negative, how it's impacting us. How it's hurt us. And we can feel those feelings and we can think those thoughts and we can experience them. And it will cause more suffering.

It increases our suffering to do that because every time we think about it, we are literally experiencing the chemical rush of emotions that fill our bodies with that negative sensation, whether it's sadness, or despair, or anger, or frustration, or a whole host of other feelings. And yet, there's always something in the future. Either something that is a lesson learned, something that will contrast with the experience we're having now, or something good that will come out of the experience.

Focusing on the Future Shortens Suffering

Regardless of what that thing in the future is, we can choose to believe something better is coming in the future. Something will come out of this, we're not sure what it is. But it's always going to lead to something that could be beneficial, or could be good. I like to lean on that side of things.

So my goal is to decrease suffering by focusing on the future. Now, living in the present is important too. We need to experience what's happening right now and live in reality. And be very sensitive to our own experience and others. And feel what others may be feeling with empathy, and understand what others are experiencing. And yet, looking towards the future can give us a brightness of hope.

It can help us to just pick ourselves up from this place that we're at,

#102: Do You Say "NO" Too Often?

Do you have a mindset to say no, far too much?

If you’re busy saying yes to everything but feel overwhelmed, like there isn’t enough time to get things done, you might be saying “no” to yourself, too much. We’re all saying no to something, all day long. It’s the opportunity cost of choosing. When saying yes to something, we say no to something else.

When you say no to taking a break, exercising, visiting family, and taking the time you need to be at your peak state of wellbeing, you might be saying yes to others’ demands and expectations. This can create a thought loop of feeling like we’ve been taken advantage of by others, or that others expect too much.

It you’re putting everything else and everyone else first, and feel like there isn't time for your own priorities, today’s episode is for you. It is healthy to take good care of yourself and focus on your needs and wellbeing. Today, learn about three areas to help increase your wellbeing and happiness: rest, social connection, and self-compassion.

New Day, performed by Danny Gokey, (P) 2021 Danny Gokey, under exclusive license to Capitol Christian Music Group, Inc., was written by Ethan Hulse, Coby Wedgeworth, and Danny Gokey. Copyright © 2019 Better Than I Found It (BMI) (adm. at CapitolCMGPublishing.com) All rights reserved. Used by permission; and EGH Music Publishing (BMI) / Be Essential Songs (BMI) / Colby Wedgeworth Music (ASCAP) / Fair Trade Music Publishing (ASCAP) / (admin at EssentialMusicPublishing.com). All rights reserved. Used by permission.

 

If you have a lot on your plate, and you want a tip for managing stress, this is your episode! Today, listen for encouragement and a strategy to try.

New Day, performed by Danny Gokey, (P) 2021 Danny Gokey, under exclusive license to Capitol Christian Music Group, Inc., was written by Ethan Hulse, Coby Wedgeworth, and Danny Gokey. Copyright © 2019 Better Than I Found It (BMI) (adm. at CapitolCMGPublishing.com) All rights reserved. Used by permission; and EGH Music Publishing (BMI) / Be Essential Songs (BMI) / Colby Wedgeworth Music (ASCAP) / Fair Trade Music Publishing (ASCAP) / (admin at EssentialMusicPublishing.com). All rights reserved. Used by permission.

When You Hit 100 Episodes, Celebrate It!

Thanks for listening to the podcast. We're celebrating episode 100 today, by counting down the top 5 all-time podcasts in the Mindset for Life series.

5. #83 How to Let Go of a Challenging Situation https://drbcoach.com/83-how-to-let-go-of-a-challenging-situation/  

4. #48 How to Wake Up Happy https://drbcoach.com/48-how-to-wake-up-happy/

3. #56 How to Use Your Emotions and Make Decisions https://drbcoach.com/56-how-to-use-your-emotions-and-make-decisions/

2. #80 You Know What Assumptions Do... https://drbcoach.com/80-you-know-what-assumptions-do-podcast/

#1 Fear and Confidence https://drbcoach.com/confidence-and-fear/

Enjoy!

New Day, performed by Danny Gokey, (P) 2021 Danny Gokey, under exclusive license to Capitol Christian Music Group, Inc., was written by Ethan Hulse, Coby Wedgeworth, and Danny Gokey. Copyright © 2019 Better Than I Found It (BMI) (adm. at CapitolCMGPublishing.com) All rights reserved. Used by permission; and EGH Music Publishing (BMI) / Be Essential Songs (BMI) / Colby Wedgeworth Music (ASCAP) / Fair Trade Music Publishing (ASCAP) / (admin at EssentialMusicPublishing.com). All rights reserved. Used by permission.

You may have heard this one: You can win, or you can learn. Are you learning?

Thanks for joining me today to talk about THAT kind of learning.

I've always loved learning, especially as a younger school child. Not everyone loves learning. In fact, sometimes stretching to understand, and experiencing the discomfort that goes with it, is a very tough experience.

Someone might say that you're naive to try to appreciate a hard situation and learn from it. But when you have two options--to choose negativity of the failure, or to own it and choose to learn from it, the power and resilience is yours!

We can handle just about anything, with a learning attitude. Join me for today's podcast.

Are You Staying Stagnant?

Being comfortable is a really great thing. It feels good to be comfortable.

Like your favorite sweater. A soft pair of slippers. Your "chair." Or the way the driver's seat is set up for you in your car.

Your comfort zone is a safe space that makes us feel goof, familiar, and relaxed. We don't have to be too alert, try unusual things, or stretch.

But in the comfort zone, we also have expectations. This invites judgement, accusation, and disappointment.

In the comfort zone, we start to live in the land of expectations and disappointment. And pretty soon, we are stagnant.

Being stagnant feels "samey" all the time. Like eating the same foods all the time, a pretty bland diet.

As I coach others, it seems they typically want to find a zest for life again. That one thing that will fuel their excitement for life.

Yet it seems that we also want to stay comfortable.....

If you're feeling stagnant, from being in your comfort zone too long, today's podcast is for you.