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Henry is a hungry mouse. He’s so hungry that he’s walking around talking to himself. “I really gotta find some cheese.” Henry said to himself, “This is ridiculous; what’s a guy gotta do to get some cheese around here?”
Henry squeezes under a closed door and proceeds down a staircase. His nose wrinkles, and his head pops up. “I smell cheese I think.”
He turns the corner at the bottom of the staircase, and he sees another mouse. A plump mouse, wearing a uniform. And behind this mouse is a gigantic chunk of tasty-looking cheese. It’s a quite remarkable sample of cheese. There is a prominent vein of bleu culture running down the side. There are naturally forming salt and sugar crystals glimmering in the faint light of a dismal, grimy basement window. The wonderful odor of the cheese hangs in the air like a welcome banner at a state fair.
Henry sprints toward the cheese, and the mouse that is dressed like security guard steps into his path, and Henry bounces off of him. He’s knocked back onto his behind like a small sack of beans.
“Hey, what’re ya doin? I need to get some of that cheese.”
“You may not have the cheese.” The guardian of the cheese says.
“Of course I can have the cheese.” Henry says. “I’m a mouse; that’s what we do; we eat the cheeses, that’s our whole thing.”
“You may not have this cheese.” The guard says.
“It’s all for you?” Henry says. “You’re going to eat all that cheese by yourself?” That’s a little much, ain’t it? "You know it’s going to dry up and be all hard and get stuck in your teeth and everything.” Henry says.
“I am not going to eat this cheese.” The guard says.
"Well, get out of my way.” Henry says. “I’m going to eat it.”
“You are not going to eat this cheese.” The guard says.
“Hold on a minute here.” Henry says. “Let me get this straight. You’re a mouse. You ain’t gonna eat this cheese, but you ain’t gonna let me have any?”
“That is correct,” says the guard.
“How the heck is that a thing in life? Henry asks himself rhetorically. How can he stand there so close to that cheese? and he doesn’t want any, and he won’t let me have any. "I don’t get it.” Henry says.
Henry begins pacing back and forth, and he begins engaging the guard with conversation.
“So look, pal; I’m looking at you. I see you are a pretty big mouse. You have that nice outfit you’re wearing; you stand tall and at attention, and I notice that you got a little meat on ya.” You got a little gut underneath that jacket. They must pay you huh?”
“Yes, I am paid for my duties; that is correct.” He responds.
“Wow, they must pay you pretty good.” Henry says. “To stand there, so close to that really great-smelling cheese, and to not have any, but to be so dedicated to protecting it like this.”
“I’m paid fairly. I’m compensated, and my life has purpose.” The guard says.
“So.” Henry says. “Let me ask you something. Do you mind if I ask you something?”
“I don’t suppose there can be anything I can do to stop you from asking me a question.” The guard says.
“OK.” Henry says. ”You tell me they pay you to watch this delicious cheese that you refuse to eat and that you refuse to allow me to eat, and they must pay you because it looks like you got extra meat on your bones that you don't even need.” "So... uhhh what do they pay you?”
The guard looks at Henry, peering down at him from beneath the rim of his sharp-looking security guard helmet. “They pay me with cheese.” He says.
“OK! that’s enough” Henry is flummoxed. He spins around and throws his arms up in the air. “Wait a minute. Hold on!” He shouts.
Henry once again commences pacing and talking to himself. “Ok, ok, let’s see. This guy tells me that he stands in front of this cheese that he don’t eat and that he won’t let me eat, and then they pay him with cheese to watch this cheese that he don’t eat.”.
Henry is incredulous, and the look that he is giving the guard shows it.
“Look at me, pal.” Look at me and tell me you’re telling me what you’re telling me. That you don’t eat that cheese, but that they pay with cheese to watch that cheese that you don’t eat.”
“That is correct.” The guard says.
“So you’re a Cheeseguard?” Henry says. “In so many words.”
“I suppose I am a Cheeseguard. “ Says the Cheeseguard.
“It is pretty nice cheese.” Henry says. “It smells amazing, and the way it looks in the light coming from the window is... well, it’s kind of poetic, really.” I guess I can understand why it should be guarded.” He continues.
“It is, in fact, a fine specimen of cheese.” Says the Cheeseguard.
“Ok, now we’re getting somewheres." Henry says to himself, under his breath.
"Hey," Henry says. “What’s it like being so close to that cheese?” It must smell amazing, huh?”
“It’s rather pungent, with some lightly sweet and salty undertones.” Says the Cheeseguard. “Very lovely”. He says.
“Have you ever accidentally tasted it?” Henry asks, “Like, did you ever accidentally bump into it and then get some on your jacket, then lick your jacket or anything?”
“I have not.” Said the Cheeseguard.
“You know, I never got your name.” Henry inquires.
“My name is Ronald.” The Cheeseguard informs him.
“Do you mind if I call you Ronald? or do you prefer Cheeseguard?”
“I suppose you may call me Ronald.” He responds.
“So, there has never been a thing where a small, tiny bit of cheese falls off that gigantic, voluptuous piece of cheese there, and you never bent over and picked it up and put that in your mouth?”
“There has not.” Ronald answers.
“And what would happen if that did happen?” Say a small piece of cheese would fall off that big chunk, what would you do then?
“I would retrieve the small piece and place it back with the rest of the cheese." Ronald Answers.
“He’d retrieve it.” He’d retrieve the small piece of cheese, he says!” Henry is openly dubious of the Cheeseguard now.
“Let me ask you another question, Ronald.” Henry says. “Do you mind if I ask you another question?”
“I know that I cannot stop you from asking me more questions.” Ronald answers.
“Are there any more jobs guarding the cheese?" I mean, you can’t be here twenty-four hours a day. Someone must relieve you of your duties of retrieving small pieces of cheese and to otherwise be a cheeseguard, right?”
“You are correct,” Ronald says. “There is another guard, and he relieves me in the evening.”
“Do you think they’d hire me?” Henry asks. “Whoever owns this chunk of cheese, do you think they’d hire me to guard this cheese?”
“I do not believe they would employ you.” Ronald says.
“Why not?” Henry asks. “What’s the problem? I’m a mouse, like any other mouse. I got a family; they need cheese. I can bring the cheese home that they pay me, and I can feed my family. What’s the problem?”
“You look diminutive, and thin, and hungry; they would fear that you’d eat the cheese rather than guard it." Ronald answers.
“Well, that’s a Catch-22, I guess, if I ever heard one.” Henry says.
“I see your point,” Ronald says.
“Well, you’re not going to let me have any of that cheese, are you, Ronald?”
“These are not my decisions." Says Ronald.
“I can see that. I can see that.” Henry responds.
“I have to ask you another question, Ronald, and I don’t want you to get mad at me; I just have to ask.” Henry says.
“I couldn't avoid your question if I wanted to.” I have to stand here all day.” Ronald says.
“Ok, how can I put this delicately? I mean, I guess I have to just come out and ask it.” Ummmm you, ah, you, you, you know you’re a mouse, right?”
Ronald confirms that he is a mouse. “I am, in fact, a mouse." He says
“OK, you know, I just had to ask for my own sanity.” I’ll see ya 'round, Ronald. Maybe you see me sometime and we can have a different kind of talk; altogether, I hope some time.”
Henry turns to leave, and just as he’s about to go back up the stairs, he comes down in the first place. He hears Ronald exclaim.
“Oh no! This is terrible!” It seems that a piece of this gigantic chunk of cheese has fallen to the ground, and I fear that the situation will deteriorate if this evidence is left behind.”
A not ungenerous piece of cheese rolls over near where Henry is. Henry hungrily and eagerly takes a bite and stuffs the excess into his cheek. His eyes are wide as he looks at Ronald.
The two smile at one another as Ronald takes a small crumb of cheese and slides it into his mouth. He winks at Henry.
“I’ll see ya ‘round Ronald.” Henry says. “You did a good job guarding that cheese.”
The End.
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