I just returned from a business trip to Japan. This time I took my son with me — his first time there. His business, of course, was more about delighting in the wonders of a world that was new to him. Right after we landed, still at the airport, he was euphoric when he noticed that people went out of their way to be attentive, present, and friendly.
We talked about this a lot, and after a day or two, it turned out that he was continually experiencing something that is much more common in Japan than in other parts of the world: Being seen.
Some of you might say, oh, the friendliness is just part of doing business, but even if it were so – and I’m convinced it’s not – then the ritual alone would still be enough to make a difference.
Being seen triggers something that is deeply rooted inside of us. Being seen, acknowledged, validated is a basic human need, even if only in one’s bare existence. Of course, this is neither exclusive to Japan, nor is it a cure-all for societal issues. What was so special on our trip, and what I sorely miss whenever I return from Japan is the effortlessness.
Cashiers, even at a kombini late at night, look you in the eyes while they hand you the receipt. Train conductors bow when entering and leaving a carriage. Single postcards are paper-wrapped meticulously, even the simplest – and ritualized – irasshaimase! when entering the simplest noodle shop triggers the feeling of being seen. And all of this seems to happen without the second thought, and probably even without a first, throughout professions, ages, situations.
I routinely work with people and teams that complain about not being seen. “I’m just a small cogwheel” they say, or “our team is seen just as a cost center in the company.” Acknowledging one another, however, is of course mutual. If you feel not seen by someone, ask yourself how clearly, if at all, you see and acknowledge them, their needs, values, even their basic existence. Then, consider reconnecting.
As an exercise, start with a cashier in a supermarket. Or the pizza guy who delivers your overtime dinner to the office. Or the homeless person you pass on your way to work every morning. You’ll earn some bewildered looks for sure. People are not used to being acknowledged, much less just for being there.
To prepare for this experiment, it’s helpful to learn to see, acknowledge, and validate yourself.
Before we left for the trip, my son was a centimeter shorter than me. Now, after we’ve returned, he’s taller. I’m taking this as a nice anecdote. Being seen helps to grow.
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