About 10 years ago, I published an article with some strategies to increase psychological resilience. And … one of the most powerful of them is also the one that always seemed to baffle the most readers. It is strategy number seven, embrace the mindfuck. So, let me explain.

When teams run into conflict, either among themselves or with other teams or clients, the standard advice is to look at the content, to look at who said what or who did not do what he should have done … and leave everything else to the team members. This everything else, sadly, includes the emotional content of the conflict.

This is especially prevalent in executive teams, the assumptions being that (a) emotions don't belong in the workplace, which quite obviously does not make any sense, (b) the wild assumption that everyone is an adult and can take care of him- or herself, and (c) that we ain’t got no time for that.

These assumptions have developed in many companies and are as deeply ingrained as they are utterly absurd because they remove from the team the very fabric that it is made of: human beings.

The good news is that not a single executive that I have been working with has dropped dead from connecting with himself and expressing emotions, and neither has anyone ever been ridiculed or shunned.

The elephant in the room is emotional, and everyone involved in the conflict must – MUST – get a clear view of it in order to sustainably solve the situation and emerge with learnings that shape a more productive and humane future for the team.

So, make the elephant visible, just for one hour set aside the content of the conflict and help your people focus on their emotions. Don't forget to open up yourself as well. Just listening is a good start. Refer to the article linked below for more information and hands-on advice.

https://maulco.com/en/opinions/resolve-team-conflicts/

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I just returned from a business trip to Japan. This time I took my son with me — his first time there. His business, of course, was more about delighting in the wonders of a world that was new to him. Right after we landed, still at the airport, he was euphoric when he noticed that people went out of their way to be attentive, present, and friendly.

We talked about this a lot, and after a day or two, it turned out that he was continually experiencing something that is much more common in Japan than in other parts of the world: Being seen.

Some of you might say, oh, the friendliness is just part of doing business, but even if it were so – and I’m convinced it’s not – then the ritual alone would still be enough to make a difference.

Being seen triggers something that is deeply rooted inside of us. Being seen, acknowledged, validated is a basic human need, even if only in one’s bare existence. Of course, this is neither exclusive to Japan, nor is it a cure-all for societal issues. What was so special on our trip, and what I sorely miss whenever I return from Japan is the effortlessness.

Cashiers, even at a kombini late at night, look you in the eyes while they hand you the receipt. Train conductors bow when entering and leaving a carriage. Single postcards are paper-wrapped meticulously, even the simplest – and ritualized – irasshaimase! when entering the simplest noodle shop triggers the feeling of being seen. And all of this seems to happen without the second thought, and probably even without a first, throughout professions, ages, situations.

I routinely work with people and teams that complain about not being seen. “I’m just a small cogwheel” they say, or “our team is seen just as a cost center in the company.” Acknowledging one another, however, is of course mutual. If you feel not seen by someone, ask yourself how clearly, if at all, you see and acknowledge them, their needs, values, even their basic existence. Then, consider reconnecting.

As an exercise, start with a cashier in a supermarket. Or the pizza guy who delivers your overtime dinner to the office. Or the homeless person you pass on your way to work every morning. You’ll earn some bewildered looks for sure. People are not used to being acknowledged, much less just for being there.

To prepare for this experiment, it’s helpful to learn to see, acknowledge, and validate yourself.

Before we left for the trip, my son was a centimeter shorter than me. Now, after we’ve returned, he’s taller. I’m taking this as a nice anecdote. Being seen helps to grow.

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There is a fantastic Radiolab episode from 2014 called “Goo and You.” I often recommend it to my clients because it had a profound effect on my work and life. Transformation does not need to happen in a piecemeal way. Coaching does not need to happen in small increments. Sometimes it’s more efficient – and more beautiful – to first disassemble everything, and then put it back together again.

Listen to the episode, I’ve pasted the link below.

[Advertisement] If you’re anxious of turning into goo, get in touch with me. Coaching packages start at 5K per month, with a minimum commitment of half a year. Please read the text at crisis.wtf for details.

Image source: Chronologischer Raupenkalender, C. F. Vogel, 1837. The Biodiversity Heritage Library at the Smithsonian Institution.

Over the years, I have established some habits when running in winter. As soon as outside temperatures hit seven degrees, I run with just a t-shirt and short pants, even when it’s windy, or raining, or both. And when I step out and head for the park, I’ve made it a habit to not flinch in response to the cold.

My body, of course, wants to nope out immediately. But 10 minutes in, I feel how I’m generating heat from the inside. Arms, legs, face, they are still cold to the touch, but mere millimetres below, the body starts glowing.

Other runners wear long sleeve shirts even when it’s 10 degrees or warmer, and even others run bare-chested in subzero temperatures. The exact temperature does not matter. What matters is that there is some point when your body wants to nope out, when you instinctively want to return to the warm bed, sofa, or even office chair. And what matters then is to not flinch, to continue, to realize what’s happening and get going.

And the bigger the difference between your noping-out temperature and your comfy temperature, the faster you’ll be able to get warm on your own. And this is very, very similar to changes in emotions or behaviors. The larger the delta between the current crisis-ridden state of mind and your goal, the faster you’ll be able to make change happen.

So if you are a runner, start by undressing. Feel cold on purpose, and practice warming yourself with your own resources. If you’re in a crisis, realize that to change, learning not to flinch in the face of adversity is the first step. Then, start running.

[Advertisement] If you would like to run with me, metaphorically or for real, get in touch. Coaching packages start at 5K per month with a minimum commitment of half a year. Before you contact me, please read the text at crisis.wtf.

I’d like to be more efficient at work, Matt, a client told me recently. I must admit that I yawned a bit when he said that, I heard this sentence countless times. More efficient, more productive, more everything.  Nothing against getting better, of course. Many clients, however, do need some time, a couple of days or weeks, until they realize which of their goals are worth pursuing.

Ask yourself: what happens when you've become more efficient? What happens then? And then? And then? Continue asking yourself this question until you’ve reached a point that feels like it's part of you. Part of your true self. Again, this sounds as simple as it might be difficult to do. Pull through and you’ll notice that you’ll become more efficient, or productive, or everything, just by having an answer to this question.

Years ago I asked myself why I wanted to become more efficient and effective at work. One answer was: to allow myself to travel more. But this didn’t feel close enough to my true self. It was more like, like a reward, a treat. So I continued asking and realized that it was more about my son than about myself. I hadn’t been on a holiday when I was a kid, so taking him to see the world is as dear to my heart as he is.

There’s a short article on the pitfalls of self optimization, which I’m linking to below. If you’d like to work with me directly, read the text at crisis.wtf and get in touch. Coaching plans start at 5K per month with a minimum commitment of half a year.

PS. Here’s the article on self-optimization: https://maulco.com/en/opinions/self-optimization-taking-the-in-out-of-insanity/

Some years ago, my yoga teacher told me that the goal of the asanas – the physical exercises that are part of yoga – the goal is not to become as flexible as possible as is commonly thought. It’s also not to outdo the person on the map next to you in the studio.

The goal, he said, is to deliberately seek discomfort. To get your body, your limbs, into uncomfortable positions. Positions in which your joints and bones and muscles can barely hold you, and to get your mind into who position it would rather not be in. And then, when you're feeling as uncomfortable as you can, keep on breathing and holding and breathing.

Even after years of practicing yoga, the poses will still be uncomfortable. That’s the whole point.

What will change though is the way how you handle uncomfortable situations, both on the mat and at the office. And this, my teacher said, is a metaphor for life. You won’t be able to always avoid situations that are hard to hold. Your body, your mind, your emotions will be twisted into shapes that they have never been in before.

If this – no, when this happens –, it’s helpful if you’ve taken the time and determination to practise.

If you’d like to work and practise with me, then read the text at https://crisis.wtf and get in touch. Coaching plans start at 5K per month, with a minimum commitment of half a year.

Yesterday, my son and I had a meeting with his class teacher. These meetings happen twice a year to gauge the development of students. The two had a conversation while I was sitting at the side, observing and listening because, well, it was their appointment, and I was the guest.

The teacher was happy with one improvement in particular: He said that my son had gained lots of self-confidence in the past half-year. And then, looking at him, he said: “Are you aware that you’re keeping eye contact with me … while we’re talking … all the time?” — To which my son replied: “Yeah, I do, and it confuses the hell out of me!”

Self-confidence is nothing that one can “have.” It’s something that you do. One way of acting – and thus being! – self-confident is keeping eye contact with others. The other one, going much deeper, and a bit more difficult to learn, is keeping eye contact with yourself. Look at yourself as you are. Yes, this might be confusing for you, just as it is confusing for my son to become more self-aware.

Confusion means growth.

If you’d like to work with me, with our without eye contact, read the text at crisis.wtf and get in touch by email. Coaching plans start at 5K per month, with a minimum commitment of half a year.

I’m well aware that many people cannot or do not want to afford working with a coach or therapist. Today, I’m talking about two tools that can help you get along on your own. All URLs are in the show notes.

Woebot is a virtual CBT therapist. CBT means cognitive behavioral therapy, which is one of the best researched and most efficient frameworks for personal change currently known. Woebot is a joy to use. The conversation design is first class, and it does not pretend to be anything else than a bot— a very charming one. I’m using it myself and recommend it wholeheartedly.

Another tool … well, it's the elephant in the room, right? ChatGPT has made headlines recently and it does a very convincing job at seeming intelligent, unless specific advice is what you need. It is an excellent sidekick to help you tidy up your inner monologue. Just babble, let it summarize, associate freely, repeat.

In the 1960s, computer scientist Joseph Weizenbaum created ELIZA, one of the first programs that aimed to imitate a human being, or more specifically, a therapist practicing Active Listening, which is a part of Rogerian talk therapy. Joseph Weizenbaum was rather horrified though when users started to think that ELIZA was actually intelligent. They anthropomorphized a piece of software, which later became known as the ELIZA Effect. This was one of the experiences that led the A.I. pioneer to turn into one of the most vocal critics of the field.

Will tools like Woebot or ChatGPT replace human coaches and therapists? This question predates even Weizenbaum’s work. When I took machine learning and AI courses at university 25 years ago, we discussed the implications of programs like ELIZA. Would they make therapists obsolete? Well, I do hope that these tools will enable millions of people to get the help they need, but are unable to receive because of money, limited availability or stigmatization. Woebot and similar tools are just like junior consultants that can get a job done that is fixed in scope.

A human coach or therapist is like a personal project manager for your change process. I can see the intricate details of what you are made of and create a very specific, very efficient plan for changing every part of your self that you want or need changed.

If you can do fine with the junior consultant, please go for it. If you need an expert, get in touch with me for a free exploration call. Plans start at 5K per month with a minimum commitment of half year. See https://crisis.wtf for details.

Woebot: https://woebot.io / ChatGPT: https://chat.openai.com / ELIZA: https://elizagen.org // I am not affiliated with any of these services in any way, and do not receive monetary or other compensation.

There are probably parts of yourself that you haven’t been in contact with for years or even decades. But they are there somewhere below the surface or right behind this corner of that, like friends and experiences from years past. They do their part in defining your personality … your self.

Especially in times of crisis, of extreme instability, these parts tend to come out of the dark. When they reach the surface of your consciousness, they might be fun and interesting, or they might be anxious, panicked, frightening, or frightened. Whatever way these parts of your personality show up, please know that they need to be heard, seen and, possibly, loved.

Approach them with as little expectation as possible. Accept them as a part of who you are. Listen to their anxiety, their panic. Or join them in their happiness.

Let’s see what you are made of. Please read the text at https://crisis.wtf and get in touch if you would like to work with me. Free exploration call, and plans start at 5K per month with a minimum commitment of half a year.