Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

Brianna Wiest has traveled internationally as a journalist, written for Fortune 500 companies, and has spoken in cities around the continental United States. She is the author of five books, her latest, The Mountain Is You: Transforming Self-Sabotage Into Self-Mastery is being published in 2020. Her dream is to use the power of words to help people awaken to their fullest potential, build emotional intelligence and fulfill their life purpose.

In this episode, Brianna Wiest and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:

• The difference between self-sabotage and victim mentality and how to recognize what you can and cannot control.
• Recognizing patterns in your relationships, so you can identify where healing needs to take place.

"There (is) a shift that people make from being a victim of their story to the person who's writing the story." — Brianna Wiest

• Letting go of outside voices and expectations, so you can start connecting to what you really want to feel and experience.
• How self-sabotage is actually about loving yourself, and how that realization can lead to healing.
• How to gauge your level of self-sabotage, which can help indicate areas of resistance, as well as areas of flow.

"Self-sabotage is not a way we hurt ourselves; it's a way we try to protect ourselves." — Brianna Wiest

Mentioned:

The Mountain Is You: Brianna Wiest

Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication

Connect with Brianna Wiest:

Website: briannawiest.com

Instagram: instagram.com/briannawiest

Podcast: Get Out Of Your Own Way

Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:

Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship

Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins

Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts

Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation

LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins

Twitter: @DrJessHiggins

Website: drjessicahiggins.com

Email: [email protected]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

In this episode, I am answering a listeners's question in how to reconnect emotionally with his wife.

In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discusses:

• The four stages of separation distress.
• The benefits and value of going slow to maintain emotional balance and regulation.
• How to reveal and soften to help create safety.
• The importance of being emotionally present and attuned to your significant other.
• Where men often get stuck in connecting emotionally, especially when there is conflict.

Mentioned:

• Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication - Free Guide

• Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships, by Dr. Susan Johnson

• ERP 220: How To Deal With Stonewalling In Relationship (podcast)

• Still Face Experiment (video)

• Hole Me Tight (course)

• Dr. Susan Johnson talk "Conversations at The Royal: Love Sense" (video)

• Love Sense (book) by Dr. Susan Johnson

• Hold Me Tight (book) by Dr. Susan Johnson

• The Gottman Institute (website)

Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:

Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship

Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins

Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts

Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation

LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins

Twitter: @DrJessHiggins

Website: drjessicahiggins.com

Email: [email protected]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

Today, I am referencing Dr. Vivek Murthy's book, Together, to offer some added support for the larger conversation around institutional racism, oppression and social justice.

In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discusses:

• The right of human belonging and humanization.
• The role of disconnection, dehumanization, fear and distrust that plays into our experience.
• How do we build trust, repair and relationship together.

"The challenge of the remainder of our century is how are we as a global family going to attend to the basic fundamentals of creating the right of belonging?" John Paul Lederach in "Together" by Dr. Vivek Murthy

• Exploring the question..."how do we experience more connection collectively."
• How to engage in higher quality presence and connection when differences exist.

"I have a fundamental belief that at the root of every person is a spark of the Creator. There's something that binds everyone. Even if they are behaving in ways I find reprehensible, we still share a common humanity. And that can't be erased. Even if someone is doing things that are really against me or harming me or society. I feel somewhat of a responsibility to that person." Matthew Stevenson from "Together" by Dr. Vivek Murthy

Resources:

• Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, by Dr. Vivek Murthy
• Black Lives Matter (reading list, find a local chapter, donate, etc)
• Support Campaign Zero, a police reform group that has been working on policy solutions "informed by data and human rights principles."
• Anti-racism Resources
• NY Times Antiracist Reading List

Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:

Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship

Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins

Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts

Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation

LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins

Twitter: @DrJessHiggins

Website: drjessicahiggins.com

Email: [email protected]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

Today, I am pausing from the regularly scheduled episodes to stand in solidarity for Black Out Tuesday and Black Lives Matter.

On the Empowered Relationship podcast, we address principles that support healthy relationship.

The importance of safety, respect and reverence for people expands beyond intimate connection.

We are all a part of a human family. When harm, injury, abuse, injustice occurs, it affects us all whether we turn towards it or we turn away from it.

As we talk about on this show, when someone is acting out of protest, there is pain. While the message isn't always clear. If we look deeply, what is underneath is "This is not okay. I am not okay."

Today, I invite you to consider putting attention towards positive change and being a part of a solution.

I encourage any time you would have allocated towards improving your intimate relationship today to invest in the quality of human connection and with Black Lives specifically.

What can you do today to pivot your focus to relationship, care and consideration for the safety and well-being of Black Lives and the experience of African Americans in the United States, as well as your role (your relationship, how you participate or how you don't participate)?

We all have a role.

There are many ways you can do this. If you are looking for ideas, please see below for some suggestions.

Another way to think about this...is what do you do when someone you love or care about is hurting? Or when you feel overwhelmed and don't know what to do?

• Learn.
• Read.
• Listen.
• Hold space.
• Get involved.
• Donate
• Sign petitions.

Resources (not a comprehensive list):

• Black Lives Matter (reading list, find a local chapter, donate, etc)
• Support Campaign Zero, a police reform group that has been working on policy solutions "informed by data and human rights principles."
• Anti-racism Resources
• NY Times Antiracist Reading List

Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:

Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship

Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins

Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts

Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation

LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins

Twitter: @DrJessHiggins

Website: drjessicahiggins.com

Email: [email protected]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

Today, I am giving more attention and support to a listener's question, who writes "How do you deal with a partner who stonewalls?"

In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discusses:

• What stonewalling is and what it entails.
• Common dynamics and patterns that lead to one partner withdrawing or stonewalling.
• What is often underneath the stonewalling behavior and what it feels like on the receiving end.
• Research findings about the differences between men and women as it relates to stonewalling.
• Over time, the pain of stonewalling can be devastating to the emotional bond and relationship.
• Tips for how to get off the destructive track of the pursuer-withdrawer pattern, so that we can find our emotional balance and start a softer, more positive and constructive conversation with our partner.

Mentioned:

Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication - Free Guide

Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships, by Dr. Susan Johnson

ERP 213: How Shame And Grandiosity Relate To Self-Esteem - An Interview With Terry Real (podcast)

ERP 210: How Emotionally Intelligent Men Are Key To A Lasting Relationship - An Interview With Kyle Benson (podcast)

Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:

Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship

Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins

Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts

Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation

LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins

Twitter: @DrJessHiggins

Website: drjessicahiggins.com

Email: [email protected]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

In last weeks episode, ERP 215, we discussed how connection to other people really begins with our connection to ourself.

In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discusses:

• What loneliness is and how we experience it.
• The 3 dimensions of loneliness, and how we need all three to thrive.
• How our expectations and cultural messages influence loneliness.
• The consequences and health risks of loneliness.

"Medicine and technology may fail us at times, but human connection grounded in love and compassion always heals." by Dr. Vivek Murthy

• How shame and mental health issues interact with loneliness.
• How loneliness is experienced differently among men and women.
• Ways to build connection and emotional fitness.

"We all have a deep and abiding need to be seen for who we are - as fully dimensional, complex, and vulnerable human beings. We all need to know that we matter and that we are loved. These are the deep-seated needs that secure relationships satisfy, and when they are met, we tend to live healthier, more productive and more rewarding lives. When they go unmet, we suffer." by Dr. Vivek Murthy

Mentioned:

Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, by Dr. Vivek Murthy

ERP 215: How To Deal With Being "Alone Together" (podcast)

ERP 213: How Shame And Grandiosity Relate To Self-Esteem - An Interview With Terry Real (podcast)

ERP 210: How Emotionally Intelligent Men Are Key To A Lasting Relationship - An Interview With Kyle Benson (podcast)

Dr. Vivek Murthy and Brené on Loneliness and Connection (podcast)

ERP 083: How Vibrant Community Helps Support Healthy Relationship - With Christiane Pelmas (podcast)

ERP 017: What To Do When You Are Feeling Lonely In Relationship - Part Two (podcast)

ERP 016: What To Do When You Are Feeling Lonely In Relationship - Part One (podcast)

ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship (podcast) (podcast)

Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:

Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship

Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins

Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts

Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation

LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins

Twitter: @DrJessHiggins

Website: drjessicahiggins.com

Email: [email protected]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

When I saw the #alonetogether, I questioned "Is this really what we are all feeling? If anything, it seems like the majority of us are feeling "togetheralone."

In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discusses:

• With the division in perspectives and approaches right now, it can be hard to know how to move forward (with both supporting the economy and people's health and safety).
• The challenges of separation, distance, lack of connection and contact that people are experiencing right now.
• Ironically, how taking time to be still and centered supports our clarity, confidence, and connections.

"Don't confuse loneliness with time by yourself" by Micaela Marini Higgs"

• Why getting quality alone time is hard, and our aversion to taking it.
• How it is easy to mistake or confuse anxiety, exhaustion, and stress for the need to be alone or in solitude.
• The surprising benefits of choosing to invest in quality alone time.

"Our connection to other people really begins with our connection to ourself" By Dr. Vivek Murthy

Mentioned:

Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication

Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, by Dr. Vivek Murthy

Why You Should Find Time to Be Alone With Yourself, by Micaela Marini Higgs

Dr. Vivek Murthy and Brené on Loneliness and Connection (podcast)

ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship (podcast) (podcast)

Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:

Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship

Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins

Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts

Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation

LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins

Twitter: @DrJessHiggins

Website: drjessicahiggins.com

Email: [email protected]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

Dr. Tom Habib is a clinical psychologist specializing in couple's therapy. Tom has published papers on a Couple's Line of Development (Integral Leadership Review, Aug-Nov, 2016, revised 2018) in addition to other publications on other topics.

He has presented at the Integral Theory Conference, at the Integral European Conference where he was recognized for the Best Practitioner Paper, Honorable Mention. Tom is currently serving as the chair for the International Consortium of Integral Scholars for IEC 2020.

Tom has been recognized by Academia.edu as achieving the top 1% researcher in recognition of how often his work is viewed by researchers all over the world.

In this episode, Dr. Tom Habib and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:

• Exploring the developmental stages of couplehood, along with the challenges and opportunities.
• How a couple's intimacy is dependent on each person's developmental history.
• Society's glorification of the exciting first stage of relationships and how that adds to the challenges of surviving the next phase of relationship (where reality sets in).
• Two common fantasies we have in relationship and how they pose a barrier to true intimacy.

"People are blowing up their lives because they are so hungry for connection." Dr. Tom Habib

• Getting to the place where you recognize and value each other's strengths and weaknesses and figure out how to use those to work together.
• Working towards an abundance and gratitude mindset, understanding your inner world more fully, and a willingness to be transparent with your partner.
• Embracing moments of emotional vulnerability to develop resonance and build moments of connection and intimacy with your significant other.
• What we can learn from the last developmental stage of relationship.
• How to determine what stage you are in and how to grow your relationship.

"As Ken Wilber talks about, the ability to show up fully means that you have cleaned up, you've grown up, and you've woken up. There's enough trust to not overreact to that moment, then the enlightenment really starts to build, because when they reveal something, you begin to go, 'Wow, I didn't even see that. I wanna see more.' ...because you're aware that it's always unfolding. And when you can unfold it with two people, it really gets special." — Dr. Tom Habib

Mentioned:

A Couples Line of Development by Dr. Tom Habib

Integral European Conference: IEC ONLINE 2020

First Love Vs Spiritual Love

Relationship Map to Happy Lasting Love – Free Guide

ERP 197: How To Engage In More Conscious Communication - an Interview with Robert Macnaughton (podcast)

ERP 159: What Happens When Your Partner is at a Different Stage of Development? An Interview Martin Ucik (podcast)

ERP 093: How the "Shadow" Influences our Growth in Life and In Relationship with Dr. Keith Witt (podcast)

Connect with Dr. Tom Habib:

Website: drtomhabib.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrTomHabib/

Email: [email protected]

Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:

Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship

Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins

Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts

Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation

LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins

Twitter: @DrJessHiggins

Website: drjessicahiggins.com

Email: [email protected]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

Terry Real is a nationally recognized family therapist and author. Particularly known for his groundbreaking work on men, his work on gender and couples. He published the national bestseller: I Don't Want To Talk About It, the first book written on the topic of male depression. He has been in private practice for thirty years and he is the Founder of The Relational Life Institute, where he teaches therapist trainings and workshops for couples

In this episode, Terry Real and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:

.

• How men need to find the courage to be vulnerable in order to achieve the intimacy required to maintain a healthy relationship.
• The false forms of self-esteem that many of us operate under, versus the inside-out knowledge of our essential worth as human beings.
• How shame and grandiosity both stem from a feeling of unworthiness and the different ways they wreak havoc on relationships.
• How to quiet the inner critic and practice self-love.
• The need for a paradigm shift from a dominant style of masculinity to a cooperative, ecological, and humble masculinity.

"Here's what I want to tell you. I used to be you, I spent most of my life loathing myself. I spent most of my life bouncing back and forth between inferiority and superiority. I did not like being alone in my skin. It was not fun to be there. And what I want to tell you is I'm no longer there. I am happy in my own skin, and I earned that. Nobody gave that to me. And you can earn it just as easily if you do the work" — Terry Real

Mentioned:

Fierce Intimacy

Evolutionary Relationships

Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication

The Long Shadow of Couples Therapy

Connect with Terry Real:

Website: terryreal.com

Facebook: Terry Real - Relational Life Institute - Home

Books: I Don't Want to Talk About It The New Rules of Marriage How Can I Get Through To You?

Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:

Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship

Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins

Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts

Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation

LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins

Twitter: @DrJessHiggins

Website: drjessicahiggins.com

Email: [email protected]

Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

The Mindful Couple. Craig has over 30 years of experience dedicated to helping couples rekindle their love, deepen their intimacy and strengthen communication as a couples therapist, and Debbie is a relationship educator and coach. Through Lambert Couples Therapy, they have worked with thousands of couples, helping them understand the often unconscious underpinnings of relationship conflict. They are based in San Diego.

In this episode, Craig, Debbie, and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:

• How so much conflict comes from an inability or unwillingness to see beyond our own vantage point.
• The dangers of confirmation bias and how it reinforces resistance, which makes empathy and diversity more of a challenge.
• Tools to use for opening up dialogue and finding common ground.
• The power of celebrating the wins that we're having, and the things that people are doing, right.
• Enriching your own perspective and strengthening your relationships by becoming curious and asking questions.

"I think the political differences really brings up a lot of resistance on both sides, but it's such a beautiful opportunity to see it... then we can choose to maybe go down a different path with less resistance on either what we're doing politically or just in our relationships. I think in the midst of resistance is a desire to connect and to understand." — Debbie Lambert

Mentioned: Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication

Connect with Craig and Debbie Lambert:

Website: craiglamberttherapy.com/the-mindful-couple/

Book: The Mindful Couple

Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:

Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship

Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins

Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts

Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation

LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins

Twitter: @DrJessHiggins

Website: drjessicahiggins.com

Email: [email protected]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.