Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

Topic: Fear of outshining in relationship

In ERP 150: What to Do When Stuck in Self-Sabotage, I addressed how it is sometimes difficult to accept and embrace new levels of success, love and abundance. Unconsciously, we have a tendency to sabotage the expansion process because of old limiting beliefs.

"The Upper Limit Problem is our universal human tendency to sabotage ourselves when we have exceeded the artificial upper limit we have placed on ourselves." by Gay Hendricks, (The Big Leap, page 197)

THE FEAR OF OUTSHINING YOUR PARTNER

The fear of outshining is when one partner is afraid of outshining their partner, and actively works to monitor and dim their expression as a form of protection.

In the article, Are you inadvertently dimming your light? When you have a pattern of being afraid of outshining she makes some great options about how people struggle with the fear of outshining others.

"When you try not to outshine, it's about the People Pleaser in you that wants to protect somebody from feeling bad due to you feeling good or doing well in a particular area." by Natalie

3 Examples of How people struggle when afraid to outshine, by Natalie:

• "Not wanting to 'outshine' with your feelings and opinions. This is likely to be the case if you were raised by someone who dominated the home with their feelings, opinions, needs etc., possibly belittling yours in the process.
• Putting aside a talent or hobby out of fear that your peer group will ostracize you.This is especially likely to be the case if you were bullied or penalized in some way for seemingly outshining when you were a child.
• Suffering from the Imposter Syndrome and so not internalizing your accomplishments and achievements while at the same time feeling 'bad' and like a fraud. "

"Trying not to outshine people is not only attempting to control the uncontrollable (a misappropriation of energy) but we're also judging ourselves and the other party in a particular area when we (and they) are so much more than these 'parts'." by Natalie

THE FEAR OF OUTSHINING AS A SUCCESSFUL PERSON & THE IMPACT ON RELATIONSHIP

Relationship and intimacy is one of the most important areas of our life and often the most challenging. When one or both people are successful, they are often dealing with their limiting beliefs, patterns, and sabotage, which adds additional layers of complexity to the relationship dynamics. Unfortunately, the relationship takes the brunt of these limiting behaviors through the form of arguing, criticizing, accusing, projecting, withholding, withdrawing, etc.

In The Big Leap, Gay says "the greater success you achieve, the bumpier your relationships tend to be."

TO AVOID THE TRAPS OF SUCCESS (FROM THE BIG LEAP, BY GAY HENDRICKS):

• Be intentional about taking alone time to process, center, and integrate."These periods of battery-charging alone time give you the ability to master longer and longer periods of closeness when you're in union with your beloved." Gay Hendricks 192
• Prioritize transparency and vulnerability. Getting in touch with deeper feelings and expressing them. "I am overwhelmed." I am tired." I am scared."
• Accept the discomfort and be interested in the process. So often we want to turn away from the pain, yet there is such valuable and transformational informational awaiting your attention.
• Develop an accountability measure. Friends that help remind you of your limiting beliefs and behaviors.

MENTIONED:

• The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level, By Gay Hendricks (book)
• ERP 150: What To Do When Stuck In Self Sabotage (podcast)
• ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast)
• ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship (podcast)
• ERP 114: How To Develop The Strength Of Vulnerability
• ERP 106: What To Do When You Are Attracted To Someone Else (podcast)
• Photo by freestocks.org on Unsplash

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 151: HOW TO HANDLE THE TROUBLE OF OUTSHINING IN RELATIONSHIP [TRANSCRIPT]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.

Thank you so much for your interest in understanding Self sabotaging relationship patterns and improving your love relationship. Feeling uncertain about a relationship is challenging and it is important to look into things to consider before making a decision.

I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

In a recent session, a client asked "Am I sabotaging my relationship?"

After being divorce and single, she has been in the process of dating. With the guy she is currently dating, she is unsure. She wants marriage and long-term partnership, and she doesn't know if he does. She wants to have an emotionally mature connection, where they are each committed to trying to resolve conflict constructively. She doesn't know if he is interested or capable.

In exploring her question, based on her situation (They had a long-weekend get-a-way together. They had some conflict.), we discussed:

• Being out of alignment. If she is dating someone who is not interested in a more committed relationship and she wants long-term partnership, she may feel a sense of unease and discontentment regardless of how he shows up.
• Not feeling resolved. Even is he is being super sweet and trying to move forward from a conflict, she may have a difficult time feeling relaxed because she is not clear and resolved about their disagreement.
• Feeling threatened. If she has fear about rejection and abandonment (based on previous hurt and trauma), and she is dating someone who is more causal in their commitment, it is likely that she will find some of his behavior threatening (i.e. not consistent engagement).
• Feeling safe and worthy to experience love. Many times when we are experiencing more love and connection than we have ever known before, we may reach a point where we don't know how to receive and be present. Hence, we unconsciously self-sabotage.

Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.

THE UPPER LIMIT PROBLEM

In "The Big Leap" by Gay Hendricks, he talks about how we all limit our experience through various ways of self-sabotage.

Most of us grow up experiencing a certain level of success, abundance and love. We might call this our comfort zone. As we grow, develop, and we may strive to accomplish more and achieve new levels of love, abundance, and success. However, when we do this, we are often confronted with a threshold of what we are capable of receiving. Gay calls this our Upper Limit.

This is all happening below our field of awareness. Gay Hendricks describes that we have one or more hidden barriers, which are essentially our fears of why it is not okay to expand into new levels of love, abundance, and success.

When these unconscious fears get activated, we constrict. We cut off the flow of energy and expansion.

When I explain this process to clients, I like to use a cup analogy. The cup represents our comfort zone. The water or liquid that is being poured into the cup represents abundance, love or success. We can easily contain the abundance that fits within our comfort zone. However, when the liquid (or abundance) starts to fill up the cup and seems to be hitting the threshold of what the cup can contain, we start reacting and unconsciously stop the flow of liquid because we do not know how to contain more.

WAYS WE SELF-SABOTAGE

Here are some common ways that people cut off the flow of abundance, success, and love (from The Big Leap, by Gay Hendricks):

• Worrying
• Blame and criticism
• Getting sick
• Having a accident
• Picking a fight
• Hiding significant feelings
• Not keeping agreements
• Not speaking significant truth to the relevant people
• Deflecting

These are all ways that we unconsciously restrict or limit themselves. I am sure you have heard many stories where someone has accomplished great success and then the next moment they do something to sabotage themselves (i.e. politicians, professional athletes, actors, musicians). Or maybe you can reflect on a memory of your own, where you experienced a great success and then you did something to bring yourself back down.

Gay Hendricks helps us understand why we do this. Most of the time our fear comes from an early experience in life, where we internalized a message that it is not okay to shine or expand.

HERE ARE THE 4 COMMON HIDDEN BARRIERS (FROM THE BIG LEAP, BY GAY HENDRICKS):

• Feeling fundamentally flawed
• Disloyal and abandonment
• Believing that more success brings a bigger burden
• The crime of outshining

The goal is to become more aware and mindful about when you experience your upper limit and how to work with it more consciously. Going back to the cup analogy, you will want to expand the size of your cup.

4 KEYS TO WORKING WITH THE UPPER LIMIT PROBLEM (FROM THE BIG LEAP, BY GAY HENDRICKS)

• Breathe. Observe.
• Adopt an attitude of wonder and play

What was I thinking right before I started worrying?" What was I thinking about right before this happened?

• Explore: What is the underlying fear or concern (hidden barrier)?
• Expand capacity: I consciously expand my capacity for more abundance, success, love every day, as I inspire those around me to do the same.

MENTIONED:

• The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level, By Gay Hendricks (book)
• ERP 123: Forgive For Love With Dr. Fred Luskin (podcast)
• I'm Not Your Guru (about Tony Robbins (documentary)
• Mary Morrissey (website)
• Photo by Alban Martel on Unsplash.jpg

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Feeling uncertain about relationship is challenging and it is important to look unto the things to consider before making a decision.

I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER'S QUESTION:

Sharon writes: "I have discovered your podcast recently, and it has helped me so much in my own self-reflection and relationships.

My boyfriend and I are considering moving in together, but I am a little worried. We have been together for 9 months. We sleepover with each other a few times a week, so in some ways we are kind of living together already without the financial responsibilities. Regarding habits and lifestyle, I don't think we will have any problems. He is very excited about living together because he thinks that we will be moving in together anyway. But to me living together is a step closer to marriage and I'm not sure if I'm mentally ready. We are both just starting our careers, and it also seems more practical to live together so we can save up some money. We are still young and definitely not thinking of marriage yet. I'm not sure if I'm just overthinking and worrying too much, which I tend to do. I would love to hear what you have to say on this."

4 TIPS TO CONSIDER WHEN FEELING UNCERTAIN

Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.

1. WHAT IS YOUR PRIORITY? WHAT IS YOUR INTENTION?

• What is most important for you right now?
• Is it to explore the development of your relationship? Is it to have fun? Is it to focus on your career?
• Is this a step in the direction of partnership and marriage?

2. WHAT IS YOUR INTRINSIC DESIRE?

• What do you really want?
• If you were able to construct the situation exactly the way that you wanted it, what would you do?
• Are you being influenced by culture, family, friend, your significant other, by research?

3. WHAT IS THE MEANING AND SIGNIFICANCE OF THE THING YOU ARE CONSIDERING?

• Is this the 1st time living together with someone? If so, does this have meaning and significance to you?

Scott Stanley, a research professor identifies a distinction with couples, which is "sliding vs. deciding."

"Two-thirds of cohabiters are in fact sliders, who didn't much discuss the decision to move into together. It just kind of happened. Moving from dating to sleeping over to sleeping over a lot to cohabitation can be a gradual slope Once a couple is set up with a shared apartment, routine, dog, and group of friends, summoning the will to break up becomes more and more difficult. When two lives become so thoroughly intermingled, separating them out, starting all over again, will take a lot of effort; the prospect becomes a little daunting. It seems easier to just keep going with things as they are, even if they're not ideal. Inertia sets in.

More sobering still, is research which suggests that "couples who otherwise would not have married end up married because of the inertia of cohabitation." They slide their way right down the aisle: "We might as well share an apartment since we're already spending so much time together" becomes "we might as well stay together since I might not be able to find someone else," and finally "we might as well get married since we've already been living together for so long."" by Brett and Kate McKay inShould You Live Together Before Marriage?

4. WHAT ARE YOUR HIGHEST VALUES?

• Consider doing a values exercise to get clear on what are your top values in life.

"Studies have shown that one of the keys to healthy, happy relationships is moving through important transitions deliberately. Whether it's deciding to have sex, move in together, get married, or have a baby, couples who make these transitions with intentionality — with mutual discussion of meaning, expectations, plans, and purpose — are more likely to flourish." by Brett and Kate McKay in Should You Live Together Before Marriage?

MENTIONED:

• ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship(podcast)
• Smart Couples Finish Rich: 9 Steps to Creating a Rich Future for You and Your Partner (book)
• Photo by Shea Rouda on Unsplash

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.

I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

TOPIC: RELATIONSHIP TRAUMA AND RECOVERY GUEST: DR. JANINA FISHER

Janina Fisher is a licensed psychologist and international expert on the treatment of trauma and dissociation. Author of "Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors" and co-author of "Sensorimotor Psychotherapy: Interventions for Trauma and Attachment," she is also Clinical Director, Khiron Clinics UK, Assistant Educational Director of the Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute, and former Instructor, Harvard Medical School.

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)

LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT:

• Trauma has a long-term effect on relationships and intimacy. (relationship trauma and recovery)
• All trauma involves human beings.
• When people have experienced trauma, they no longer feel safe.
• We go into the most important aspects of our lives, like a marriage, without any education.
• The modern understanding of trauma.

"Once upon a time, two wise adults saw in each other the potential to build a better life. The potential to have a life very different from what each experienced as children. But what they didn't know, as they dreamed of this better life, is that they were taking the trauma with them." by Dr. Janina Fisher

• Trauma is remembered as feeling and sensation memory.
• Trauma contributes to the repetitive arguments in relationship.

"The problem with a feeling memory is you don't know you are remembering. You think it is happening now." by Dr. Janina Fisher

• When "feeling memories' are being triggered, how the triggering of "feeling memories" can destroy a relationship.
• The language of triggering, which requires an important assumption.
• There is no way to move forward with the language of fault. The only way to move forward is with the language of triggering.
• Our first response to an interaction is a feeling sensation. Then, we put words or a story to our feeling sensation, often those words are words of blame.
• When we use language of fault, it jams our partner's compassion circuits.

"Relationships are the hardest thing you are going to do in your entire life." by Dr. Janina Fisher

• How to change the habits that keep us entrenched and stuck in viscous circles.
• How mindfulness can support your intention with your partner.
• Couples typically need repetition and a lot of practice to build constructive ways of relating.
• The capacity for each individual to soothe themselves is crucial in relationship.
• How do you agree to address your differences? Do you address them as enemies in relationship or do you address them as normal and natural byproducts of being two different people?
• Tips for finding a trauma therapist.

"Safe starts with us, not our partner. "Am I creating safety?"" by Dr. Janina Fisher

MENTIONED:

• Dr. Janina Fisher (website)
• Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation, by Janina Fisher (book)
• Sensorimotor Psychotherapy: Interventions for Trauma and Attachment (Norton Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology)(book)
• Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute (website)
• EMDR (website)
• Somatic Experiencing (website)
• Internal Family Systems (website)
• How to Increase Relationship Satisfaction with Mindfulness (podcast)
• How to Increase Relationship Satisfaction with Mindfulness – Part Two (podcast)
• How to Increase Relationship Satisfaction with Mindfulness – Part three (podcast)
• Photo by Ethan Robertson on Unsplash

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 148: How To Deal With The Effects Of Trauma In Relationship, With Dr. Janina Fisher [TRANSCRIPT]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. It is very important to understand your relationship trauma and recovery to deepen your connection as a couple.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Suzanne Midori Hanna, Ph.D. is a clinician, instructor, and author in couple and family therapy. Her work in medical family therapy has led to an ongoing interest in mind-body issues, mental health, and the neurobiology of cutting edge couple and family therapy. She is the author of The Practice of Family Therapy: Key Elements Across Models, fifth edition and The Transparent Brain in Couple and Family Therapy: Mindful Integrations with Neuroscience.

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)

If you missed part one of this interview, you can check out ERP 146: How to use the mind body connection to improve your relationship with Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna.

LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT:

• How to use strengths as a jumping off point, so that you can do the difficult work of turning towards your pain.
• How to build a belief in your need for love & safety, as well as how to take steps in getting your needs meet.
• One important way of disentangling from dangerous and hostile interactions with your significant other.

"We get into marriage and often we stay strangers for ten years because of our inability to be vulnerable." Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna

• The differences between the male and female brain and how it impacts our interactions about emotions and attachments needs.

"Once we begin becoming more vulnerable to each other, how to we maintain that sense of safety so the vulnerability can continue?" Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna

• "Outercourse" versus intercourse …getting in tune with how partners are coming across to their partner.
• Defining new rules of engagement.
• How to develop a process with your partner, where both people can feel valued.

MENTIONED:

• ERP 146: How to use the mind body connection to improve your relationship with Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna. (Podcast)
• Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna (Website)
• Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna (Amazon page)
• Dr. John Gottman – Gottman Institute (Website)
• Dr. Susan Johnson (Website) & Leslie Greenberg
• Hold Me Tight by Dr. Susan Johnson (book)
• Dr. Terry Hargrave's Restoration Therapy (Website)
• Dr. Peter Levine & Somatic Experiencing (Website)
• Dr. Pat Ogden & Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute (Website)

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Suzanne Midori Hanna, Ph.D. is a clinician, instructor, and author in couple and family therapy. Her work in medical family therapy has led to an ongoing interest in mind-body issues, mental health, and the neurobiology of cutting edge couple and family therapy. She is the author of The Practice of Family Therapy: Key Elements Across Models, fifth edition and The Transparent Brain in Couple and Family Therapy: Mindful Integrations with Neuroscience.

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)

LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT:

• "Mindfulness of sensation."
• Using the mind as a mental laser beam.
• Mental triggers – Where are you feeling that in your body right now? Put your mind on sensation for a moment and see what you learn.

"Whatever is going on in the mind is going on in the body." Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna

• How we get stuck complaining in relationship.
• An expanded definition of trauma.
• The body's role when triggered.
• How to slow down to get to know ourselves through our body.

"The way we are putting the mind and the body together to solve problems is changing the whole landscape of therapeutic work." Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna

• "Mindfulness of emotion."
• Primary emotion – emotion of attachment and survival.
• Universal needs for attachment- Love & Safety.

MENTIONED:

• Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna (Website)
• Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna (Amazon page)
• Dr. John Gottman – Gottman Institute (Website)
• Dr. Susan Johnson (Website) & Leslie Greenberg
• Dr. Terry Hargrave's Restoration Therapy (Website)
• Dr. Peter Levine & Somatic Experiencing (Website)
• Dr. Pat Ogden & Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute (Website)

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 146: HOW TO USE THE MIND BODY CONNECTION TO IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH DR. SUZANNE MIDORI HANNA [TRANSCRIPT]

Guest: Dr. Marty Klein

Dr. Marty Klein has been a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist for over 30 years. He is the author 7 books, including Sexual Intelligence and the recent His Porn, Her Pain: Confronting America's PornPanic With Honest Talk About Sex.

Each year, Dr. Klein trains thousands of psychologists, physicians, clergy, and attorneys in sexuality. He has been an expert witness or consultant in many state, federal, and international trials involving sexuality, and has given two Congressional briefings on evidence-based sex education.

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)

Listen to the episode to learn about:

• Dr. Marty Klein"s book "His Porn, Her Pain?"
• What couples are arguing about when they argue about porn.
• The pain that couples experience as it relates to pornography (i.e. body shame, loss of sexual connection, feeling inadequate).

"Talking about porn typically does not uncover how people really feel (i.e. grief, loss of youth, not feeling desired."

• The role of sexual fantasy and masturbation in porn use.
• How to know if sexual fantasies are healthy.

"Pornography is essentially a library of human sexual fantasy. Fantasy does not predict desire."

• How to deal with secrecy and shame related to porn use.

"I'm in favor of clear thinking, and people talking about their lived experience together."

• Dr. Klein's questions:
• Tell me about what makes you feel good?
• What makes you feel connected to other people?
• How do you feel about sexuality?
• What makes you feel glad you are alive?
• What makes you grow?
• The role of dopamine in watching pornography.

MENTIONED:

• Dr. Marty Klein (Website)
• Discount code "10P"
• Ellyn Bader (Couples Institute Website)
• ERP 011: How Technology Impacts Our Relationships (Podcast)

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

If you missed part one, you can check it out here ERP 142, where I give practical explanations and examples of mindfulness. In episode ERP 143, I talked about important research that is showing higher levels of mindfulness contributes to happier, more satisfying relationships. In this episode, I also give you the first 3 ways that mindfulness benefits you and your relationship.

1. More Attentive

2. Able to respond Rather Than React.

3. More Emotionally Regulated

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)

7 WAYS MINDFULNESS BENEFITS YOU AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

4. Increased Self-Awareness

• As we develop skill in mindfulness, the anterior cingulate cortex in our brain changes. This area is associated with impulse control, attention, emotion, as well with our sense of self.
• Mindfulness helps us control the impulse to act out in destructive and manipulative ways, as well as redirect our attention towards our higher intentions, goals, and values.
• With more self-awareness, we can observe our emotions and behaviors and recognize when we are going down a path of doing and saying things from a hurt place.
• With self-awareness, we can recalibrate when we have gotten off track.

5. Clearer Communication

• "Communication issues" are a frequent complaint couples have when seeking help.
• Most often it is not about needing better communication, but it is about developing the awareness and understanding of what is going on underneath that is important.
• Typically, we will attack, blame, turn away or protest in the hopes that our partner will recognize our hurt and offer reassurance, love, and support. But often this does not work.
• However, if we have clear insight into our vulnerability and pain, we are in a much better position to communicate clearly with our partner. In this case, they are much more likely to be able to understand, empathize and want to help.

How Mindfulness Techniques Can Help Your Relationship, By Erica Turner "One of the biggest benefits of mindfulness is its ability to help us slow down intense emotional processes. Often, when we are upset or disappointed or frustrated with our partner, our brain is in hyperdrive. We are on high alert in trying to get our needs met and express ourselves. Unfortunately, this high anxiety status can impede us from being able to clearly tell our partners what we're looking for from them. Approaching your partner mindfully can help you slow down so that you can have a more productive conversation."

• With mindfulness, we can develop the ability to be more clear and direct with our communication. We can be more tactful and kind, as we assist our partner in meeting us.

6. More Empathy

• With mindfulness, the insula, the part of the brain that is associated with empathy and compassion changes.
• As we develop mindfulness, we have more capacity to understand our partner's perspective.
• We can identify with their emotion and feel empathy, compassion, and the desire to help.
• This is a major turning point in any difficult conversation, as this is where connection can occur and possibilities start to open up.
• The more we practice, the more care and empathy we can bring to a difficult conversation.
• When our partner feels our care and consideration, they are more likely to open up and engage in a productive way.
• With a climate of more compassion and warmth, partners feel more love, support, and intimacy, which strengthens their bond and connection.

7. More Acceptance

• In the series about pain, I talked about how life involves some degree of pain.
• When we worry about the pain, try to avoid the pain, or try to make it different, we create a lot of suffering.
• Often times, when couples seek help, they have been in pain for a long period of time. Unfortunately, it is actually the way they have tried to avoid the pain that has created much more damage, problems and suffering than the initial pain itself.
• Mindfulness increases our ability to be present with what is.
• As we become more mindful, we achieve a greater sense of inner peace.

HOW TO PRACTICE MINDFULNESS

Here are some links to some great mindfulness resources and exercises to get you started:

• 22 Mindfulness Exercises, Techniques & Activities For Adults (Article)
• 6 Mindfulness Exercises You Can Try Today (Article)
• How Mindfulness Techniques Can Help Your Relationship, By Erica Turner (Article)
• Guided Mindfulness Meditation Series 1: A Complete Guided Mindfulness Meditation Program from Jon Kabat-Zinn (Audio)
• Guided Mindfulness Meditation Series 2 (Audio)
• Guided Mindfulness Meditation Series 3 by Kabat-Zinn, Jon (2012) Audio CD (Audio)

MENTIONED:

• ERP 143: How to Increase Relationship Satisfaction with Mindfulness – Part Two (podcast)
• ERP 142: How to Increase Relationship Satisfaction with Mindfulness (podcast)
• ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast)
• ERP 141: How To Decrease Relationship Pain and Suffering (podcast)
• The Value in Pain and the Pain in Value, by Lode Dewulf (TED Talk)
• Photo by Jared Rice on Unsplash

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or doing relationship coaching work with me.

If you missed part one, you can check it out here ERP 142, where I give you explanations and examples of mindfulness and how you may already be practicing mindfulness in your life. With a better understanding of mindfulness in general, let's talk about how mindfulness benefits our relationship.

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)

HOW MINDFULNESS BENEFITS RELATIONSHIPS.

Research is beginning to show us that higher levels of mindfulness contribute to happier, more satisfying relationships.

Generally, mindfulness helps us:

Keeps Things Fresh:

• You are less likely to take each other for granted or be caught up in your stories and expectations.
• You are more likely to recognize the growth and newness in your partner.
• You are more likely to appreciate and value your partner because you are more in the moment and paying quality attention to them.

Soothes Fears and Anxieties:

• While being in relationship provides love and connection, it can also stimulate anxieties and insecurities.
• Fears of being hurt will make us more reactive and protective. Unfortunately, these reactive and protective strategies push our partner away, and lead to more pain, conflict, and disconnect.
• Mindfulness is a valuable tool for dealing with our fears and reactions.

Learning to deal with our insecurities is probably one of the most important skills in keeping a relationship healthy and happy.

7 WAYS MINDFULNESS BENEFITS YOU AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

1. More Attentive

• With mindfulness practice, we strengthen the area in our brains associated with attention and focus.
• When practicing mindfulness, we can recognize when we have spaced out, started thinking about something else and come back to our partner.
• For partner's whose primary love language is "quality time," attention and focus are the ultimate ways of feeling loved and cared about. When a partner is distracted and preoccupied, they may feel as though "You don't really care. You don't really love me."
• Regardless of your partner's primary love language, being present and engaged helps create a safe space for your partner to share and express more fully, which it turn cultivates a deeper sense of understanding, intimacy, and connection.

2. Able to respond Rather Than React.

• When practicing mindfulness, we develop our capacity for increased emotional regulation.
• In previous podcast episodes, I have talked about how easily our "fight, flight, or freeze" mode can get activated when we feel threatened. When we are in a triggered place, it is very difficult if not impossible to respond in a level and skillful way.
• Research shows that with mindfulness, we are able to decrease the volume of the amygdala.
• The switch to our "flight, flight or freeze" response is not as easily flipped. The amygdala has less power to hijack us.

Being able to respond rather than react helps partners slow down, take pause and assess the situation before jumping to conclusions. Once we have calmed down, we can communicate more clearly and from the heart, rather than reacting and getting into negative cycles or destructive behavior.

3. More Emotionally Regulated

• Mindfulness strengthens the prefrontal cortex and improves the connectivity between the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala.
• The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain that is responsible for higher level thinking, perceiving other's emotions, decision-making, moderating our behavior and regulating our own emotional expression.
• These are all critical brain functions to being able to relate to someone else effectively.
• One of the primary goals of keeping yourself regulated (calm and collected) is to stay in the prefrontal cortex. As soon as your amygdala is firing away, you are in protection mode.

How Mindfulness Can Save Your Relationship By Lisa Firestone "A typical conversation between a couple may involve one partner remarking, "You used to be up for anything. You were so lively when we met." This may spark a defensive response in the other partner: "What? You're saying I'm not spontaneous anymore? You think I'm boring? What about you? You never get off the couch!" This type of angry and accusatory response tends to have a snowball effect. "I never said you were boring, and now you're calling me lazy? I work day and night to make you happy. You're so ungrateful." By Lisa Firestone

Without mindfulness, one is likely to have a short fuse and respond in defended demeanor (i.e. "What is wrong with you?").

With mindfulness, one is likely to recognize something is going on and be more sensitive. (i.e. "Honey, I see you. Do you want to talk about it?")

• Imagine a scenario where your partner has done or said something that you find alarming or challenging.
• You feel triggered. You feel your emotions rising to the surface.
• You are at a choice point. You can react or take a few moments to notice your thoughts and emotions.
• As you stay present to noticing your experience (without getting caught up in your story or emotional reaction), you may begin to gain some perspective and emotional balance.
• Then, you can address the situation from a more regulated way rather than just reacting in a defensive and protective manner.

Stay tuned for the next episode for the next four Ways Mindfulness Can Benefit You and Your Relationship.

MENTIONED:

• ERP 142: How to Increase Relationship Satisfaction with Mindfulness (podcast)
• ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast)
• ERP 141: How To Decrease Relationship Pain and Suffering (podcast)
• The Value in Pain and the Pain in Value, by Lode Dewulf (TED Talk)
• Journal of Human Sciences and Extension (journal article)
• Mindfulness with Jon Kabat-Zinn (video)
• Meditation Is Not What You Think: Mindfulness and Why It Is So Important (book)
• Photo by Bruno Aguirre on Unsplash

TRANSCRIPT:

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If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or doing relationship coaching work with me.

The demands of modern life keep us busy and pulled in many directions. It is easy to get swept away with schedules and tasks. We hope to be more productive and accomplish more. However, we sometimes expect too much of ourselves and our relationships.

To make matters worse, we often fall into the trap of thinking our relationships are self-sustaining. We believe that a good relationship just works and is easy. However, like with most things, relationships do not grow and flourish with little care and attention.

Additionally, when we are presented with a difficultly or challenge, we often try to avoid the pain. Yet, there can be tremendous value in learning to turn towards the pain and be with it.

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)

In this episode, I am going to give you a little more description of mindfulness.

Description of mindfulness:

• "Mindfulness is a mental state, which is achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while very calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations." by Lode Dewulf

• Without focus, we are prone to going into autopilot, negative habitual thinking, distraction, and preoccupation.
• Mindfulness involves redirecting your focus and attention over and over again. At first, it will feel impossible.
• Jon Kabat Zinn calls it the monkey mind (see below).
• The goal with mindfulness is to train your mind.
• Jon Kabat-Zinn says mindfulness is about paying attention to the present moment on purpose and without judgment.
• Mindfulness helps you experience your life more fully as it is happening, in each moment. You become more present, engaged and connected to what is happening.
• Mindfulness is a skill we can acquire.
• Mindfulness is always available
• Mindfulness is a way to calm ourselves down when distressed.
• Mindfulness increases our awareness of what we are experiencing and the space to decide how we want to act in any given situation. In the next episode, I will share How To Increase Relationship Satisfaction with Mindfulness. Stay tuned

MENTIONED: ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast) ERP 141: How To Decrease Relationship Pain and Suffering (podcast) The Value in Pain and the Pain in Value, by Lode Dewulf (TED Talk) Mindfulness with Jon Kabat-Zinn (video) Meditation Is Not What You Think: Mindfulness and Why It Is So Important (book)