Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

In my last podcast episode, ERP 160: How to Deal with Anxiety in Relationship I addressed one listener's question a little more than I did the other listener's question. The information in the episode is relevant to what happens in the brain when we experience anxiety and how to work with it.

Today, I want to talk a little more about anxiety as it relates to relationship security.

If you listened to the last episode, you heard the second listener ask a question about how to deal with repetitive fears of her boyfriend cheating on her. By her report, she deems her boyfriend as a very trustworthy man and that he has given her no reason to doubt his fidelity. She also mentioned that she believes she would have this experience no matter who she is with.

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)

HUMAN NEED FOR BONDING

At the root of it all, we are all wired up for bonding and connection.

One of our basic motivating systems is to have a connection with another person.

Dr. Susan Johnson helps us understand that the most powerful threat in life is isolation. In Love Sense, she talks about various research studies to illustrate how detrimental and even deadly isolation can be to our well-being.

Dr. Susan Johnson talks about the fact that we have to face dragons in life. And when we do, we usually reach for the hand of the person we love to gain reassurance and comfort, as it is easier to deal with the dragons together. Additionally, our relationships are stronger because of it.

Having safety and connection in a bond with another person helps us deal with life's threats and difficulties with more resource and resilience. Regulating emotions with another is the most effective (hand holding research).

It is incredibly hard to self-sooth in isolation, especially if you do not have an internalized sense of a positive attachment figure.

POSITIVE ATTACHMENT FIGURES

What positive experiences have you had in your life where you have felt safe, understood, seen, accepted, loved, held, and comforted? If you can remember experiences of a secure bond with another, then you can use these memories and images to help you regulate your emotions and nervous system.

Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)

WHAT HELPS CONTRIBUTE TO SAFE CONNECTION AND BONDING?

1. Dr. Susan Johnson emphasizes A.R.E.: Accessible. Responsive. Engaged.

2. EFT (emotionally focused therapy) is incredibly effective in helping couples establish and maintain a secure bond.

3. Mirroring, reflection, and deep understanding

4. Warmth, care, compassion and empathy.

5. Validation, feeling valued, "I am okay," "I am not alone," "I belong."

WHAT IF YOU DON'T FEEL SAFE?

Coming back to the listener's question…when people feel threatened, they typically go to two places:

• Blame: suspicion, detective mode (subtle or unsubtle), pursue.
• Shutdown: feel alone, scared, try to suppress the feelings.
• Third option (takes work): share pain and vulnerability in a clear and emotionally balanced way.
  • For example: "Not sure if I have shared with you…you mean so much to me, and sometimes I feeling scared that I am going to lose you. I often have really bad thoughts about you cheating on me, and it is super painful."

OTHER WAYS TO FEEL CONNECTION:

• God. People feel a sense of holding, compassion, and support from Higher Power.
• A dear friend or family member.
• Music. Evokes emotion and validates experience.
• Nature.
• Therapeutic support or Group.

In a safe secure relationship, the nervous system can relax and the brain can focus on other things rather than the hypervigilance of managing threats. In a more secure place, we can be more curious, playful, and exploratory.

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Understanding the different stages of relationship development helps couples move forward positively with their lives and allows couples to feel a deeper connection.

Listener's question:

"How to not let your anxiety disorder become a third person in your relationship and the hardest part of how to let your partner in on it and help them understand the anxiety attacks aren't because of him."

Second Listener's Question:

"I recently came across your podcast and I was really intrigued by your words and style of work.

I was hoping you would possibly be able to help me out with a relationship issue of my own. I would really appreciate your advice.

I've been dating my boyfriend for around two years now. I really do love him so much and we have a great relationship. I have a lot of anxiety in general and I'm just always expecting for "the other shoe to drop".

I have a paranoid fear of being cheated on. For absolutely zero reason. He's never done anything to make me believe he would do that to me, or that he is even capable of doing it. However, for some reason it plays in my head over and over, that it COULD happen.

I do everything I can to get this thoughts out of my head but they seem to come, basically daily. It's starting to drive me a little crazy because all I want is to fully enjoy my relationship with him. He's a wonderful man and I know he loves me too.

What do you suggest I do to stop these intrusive thoughts of being hurt? It seems to be a huge fear of mine that I almost expect to happen in any relationship. "

Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.

1. Careful to not hide and cover up. It is painful enough to deal with anxiety symptoms. Attempting to appear okay, when you are not okay will not help your partner understand and be there for you.

• Don't blame yourself.
• According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, over 40 million people have an anxiety disorder.
• Anxiety disorders can occur for a number of reasons:
  • Genetics.
  • Environmental factors.
  • Brain chemistry.
  • Medical factors.
  • Withdrawal from an illicit substance.

2. Educate your partner. What happens when someone experiences anxiety.

• Symptoms may include: worry, overwhelm, fear, increased heart rate, muscle tension, difficult sleeping, shortness of breath, restlessness etc.
• Future-based thinking and uncertainty of one's ability to meet the challenge.
• Understand anxiety and how your brain creates it.
  • Amygdala (alarm system. threat, fear)
  • Cortex (thinking, logic, awareness, details)
  • Amygdala can turn on the flight/flight/freeze response in milliseconds.
  • The cortex can not control the amygdala through deliberate thought process.
  • Amygdala can override the cortex, can control or influence thoughts and focus.
  • The cortex can initiate the amygdala's response with fear and worry thoughts.
• Identifying Anxiety-Igniting Thoughts, by Catherine Pittman, Ph.D.
  • Download Pdf
• Cortex-based tendencies are called anxiety igniting thoughts because they have the potential to activate the amygdala, which could be a primary source of your anxiety.
  • Pessimism.
  • Worry.
  • Perfectionism.
  • Guilt & Shame.

3. Help your partner understand your personal experience.

• What your past experience has been with anxiety.
• What it looks like for you.
• What triggers your anxiety.
• What helps and what does not help.
• Your attachment style.

4. How to deal with anxiety.

• Learn ways to change your brain.
• Restructure your thoughts.
  • Name it to tame it
  • Thought stopping.
  • Cognitive restructuring.
• Work to build safety and a secure bond with your partner.
• Practice mindfulness.
• Soothe and calm anxiety
• Relaxation techniques
• Exercise
• Adequate sleep
• Distraction.

MENTIONED:

• Identifying Anxiety-Igniting Thoughts, by Catherine Pittman, Ph.D. (pdf)
• ERP 052: How To Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs (podcast)
• ERP 142: How To Increase Relationship Satisfaction With Mindfulness (podcast)
• ERP 143: How To Increase Relationship Satisfaction With Mindfulness – Part Two (podcast)
• ERP 144: How To Increase Relationship Satisfaction With Mindfulness – Part Three (podcast)
• Hold Me Tight, by Susan Johnson (book)
• Love Sense, by Susan Johnson (book)
• Rewire Your Anxious Brain: How to Use the Neuroscience of Fear to End Anxiety, Panic, and Worry (book)
• The Feeling Good Handbook, by David Burns (book)
• The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, by Edmund Bourne (book)
• Attached, by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller (book)
• The Highly Sensitive Person (website)
• Photo by A. L. on Unsplash

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Dealing with resentment in relationships help couples move forward positively with their lives and allow couples to have deeper connection.

I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you! ❤

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

GUEST: MARTIN UCIK

Martin Ucik is a German born entrepreneur who trained with Eckhart Tolle as a Power Of Now group facilitator and founded www.singles2couples.org, an Association for Healthy Relationships. His studies of Ken Wilber's Integral Model allowed him to integrate his personal experiences as a divorced father and the wisdom from over 200 relationship books into Integral Relationships: A Manual for Men which Ken Wilber calls "a terrific book!" and his new book Sex Purpose Love.

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)

LISTENERS' QUESTIONS:

First listener's question: "I stumbled upon your podcast on Spotify and since then have found great value in it with my current relationship of 1.5 years. If possible I have some questions/topic that I would love to hear you cover. …

One relationship question/topic that is a big stressor in my relationship is:

My boyfriend is a police officer and in the National Guard. His jobs have really changed him like how he judges people really quickly and so on. Have you ever covered a topic similar to this?"

Second listener's question: "My worry is that I've grown and matured in my thinking over the past couple months and that my boyfriend and I won't be on the same page. I tend to overthink and my boyfriend tries to simplify things, so oftentimes we balance each other out. However there are times when I think I'm maturing a lot faster than him and it sort of creates a mental gap between us. I'm not sure if that's because we're not compatible or if there's a better way to communicate."

INTEGRAL THEORY

• Lines of development
• 5 stages of spiritual development
• 8 stages of consciousness
• 4 quadrants
• Personality matrix

Developmental Lines for Relationship, based on Martin Ucik's approach:

• Emotional availability
• Consciousness development
• Sexual development
• Spiritual development
• Anima/animus

8 STAGES OF DEVELOPMENT, BY MARTIN UCIK

How we see the world and how we communicate.

1. Survival
2. Magical thinking
3. Ego centric
4. Mythic
5. Rational
6. Pluralistic
7. Integral
8. Transpersonal

"Experience without theory is blind but theory without experience is mere intellectual play." by Immanuel Kant

How partners meet each other matters.

In the past, partners would meet each other in places where they were likely to have similar perspectives, beliefs, and world views, like college, church, and interest based groups. It was more likely that partners would be at similar stages of consciousness. Whereas today, partners are meeting each other online and are more likely to be at different stages of consciousness, which poses great difficulty for couples.

How do you determine what stage of development as person is in?

• Listen to what really matters to them.

What do you recommend for a couple that is dealing with being at different stages of development?

• Talk about your experience.
• Look at the stages of consciousness together.
• Be gentle in your approach with one another.
• Invite an openness and a willingness to explore.
• Sometimes, people will not be ready or willing to grow and develop.

MENTIONED:

• Integral Relationships: A Manual for Men (book)
• Sex Purpose Love: Couples in Integral Relationships Creating a Better World (book)
• Relationship Map (opt-in)
• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind – and Keep – Love (book)
• Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life — Second 2nd Edition (book)
• Integral Theory: Ken Wilber (Wikipedia)
• Ken Wilber (website)
• Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (book)
• Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition (book)
• Passionate Marriage (book)
• Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love (book)
• The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire (20th Anniversary Edition) (book)
• Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships: Healing the Wound of the Heart (book)
• Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After (book)
• Alex Gray (website)
• ERP 006: Making And Keeping Agreements To Strengthen Your Relationship (podcast)
• ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast)
• ERP 141: How To Decrease Relationship Pain and Suffering (podcast)
• ERP 015: Do You Have A "Unity" Or "Journey" Mindset In Relationship? (podcast)

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Dealing with resentment in relationships help couples move forward positively with their lives and allow couples to have deeper connection.

I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

In the last two episodes, I explored the drama triangle. In episode 156, I discussed what the drama triangle is and how is shows up in our interactions with others, especially during conflict.

In episode 157, I explained how we can easily get wrapped up in the victim position and how this can negatively affect our experience in relationship…and more importantly a critical key in how to shift out of the victim position and into the creator position.

Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.

WHAT IS A RESENTMENT?

A resentment is a grudge or a negative feeling that we might be harboring about a past experience. Often, we will feel resentment when someone did or said something that we did not like or we have issue with. Or a resentment is something that we have not made peace with or do not know how to reconcile.

As I mentioned in my previous podcast episodes about forgiveness, it is not about condoning bad behavior or liking a horrible act. It is about coming to terms with the fact that you cannot change or control what happened.

In the series about dealing with pain, pain is a natural part of life. It is a fallacy to think that we are going to go through life without experiencing hardship, loss, and upset. Trying to avoid, resist, or fight against pain only creates more suffering.

As discussed in episode 157, when someone feels overwhelmed by painful external circumstances, it is common to feel disempowered and to feel victimized.

While we cannot change the fact that crappy things might happen to us or have happened to us, we can change how we deal with them.

When a painful event occurs, it is important to give attention to the hurt and injury. However, after a period of time, we are faced with how do we incorporate this experience into our lives.

When we do not accept or come to terms with a painful experience, we do not move forward. It is very difficult to feel open and alive when we are harboring resentments.

"Forgiveness changes the way we remember. It converts the curse into a blessing. Forgiveness indeed heals memories." by Henri Nouwen

HOW TO RESOLVE RESENTMENTS

1. Name it. Acknowledge the resentment.

2. Specify it. Lost dream. Unfulfilled expectation. Old wound (from childhood).

3. Try out David Emeralds exercise. From the The Power of TED

Look at how the challenge in your life has taught you something. List 7 people, circumstances, or conditions that have been difficult for you (persecutors) and look for the ways they have been a gift to you or a teacher for you.

Questions to ask:

• How have they challenged you to learn and grow?
• What is the lesson this person or situation is bringing into my life?
• How and what can I learn from this?
• What is the gift hidden in this situation, no matter how difficult it appears?

4. Use the gift as curriculum for your development.

• What is the piece of value that you learn from the exercise above? And how can you start practicing this in your life and relationships?

MENTIONED:

• ERP 157: How to Shift Out of The Victim Position (podcast)
• ERP 156: What Happens When You Feel Like A Victim In Relationship (podcast)
• ERP 123: Forgive For Love With Dr. Fred Luskin (podcast)
• ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast)
• ERP 141: How To Decrease Relationship Pain and Suffering (podcast)
• ERP 015: Do You Have A "Unity" Or "Journey" Mindset In Relationship? (podcast)
• ERP 026: How To Repair & Resolve Hurt In Relationship (podcast)
• POWER OF TED* (*THE EMPOWERMENT DYNAMIC) (book)
• Photo by Jaelynn Castillo on Unsplash

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Dealing with resentment in relationships help couples move forward positively with their lives and allow couples to have deeper connection.

I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

In the last episode, I discussed the destructive nature of the drama triangle. When faced with conflict, we may quickly see the roles of the persecutor, victim, and rescuer emerge. Although the information isn't specifically directed to a couple, it can help rid of the victim mentality in relationships.

If you missed the previous episode, I encourage you to listen to it before listening to this episode. Listen to episode 156.

A QUICK RECAP OF THE DRAMA TRIANGLE:

• Victim: Feels helpless, hopeless, and downtrodden. "Poor me." (death of a dream)
• Persecutor: Behaves in domineering ways and attempts to have power over others. Fears loss of control. Usually a former victim.
• Rescuer: Attempts to help others and tends to take over-responsibility. "Poor you." I want you to need me, so that I feel more valuable.

Today, we are going to explore how to get out of the victim position by helping you identify places where you may be getting stuck and how to get free and empowered. This will help people get out of the victim mentality in relationships.

Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.

This episode was inspired by and references material from The Power of TED, by David Emerald.

THE VICTIM ORIENTATION

"The victim orientation is the approach that most human beings take toward their experience, by default. You spend a lot of time searching for solutions to problems." by David Emerald, The Power of TED

• An orientation is a mental standpoint that determines your focus and direction…direction of thought or inclination.
• Anticipating victimhood impacts your perspective and beliefs.
• A victim orientation perpetuates the cycle.

Below are some examples of what people feel and believe- when taking on a victim mentality in relationships:

• He doesn't care.
• She never cares about what I want.
• He never listens.
• She is constantly on me. I am never good enough.
• He doesn't engage.
• She doesn't respect me.

"You're always looking outside yourself to the people and circumstances of life, for a sense of safety, security, and sanity." by David Emerald, The Power of TED

Focus – Inner State – Being

THE VICTIM CYCLE

"The anxiety you feel comes from your way of focusing on the problem." by David Emerald, The Power of TED

Problem – Anxiety – Reaction

• When we focus on the problem, we are going to have an emotional response (i.e. feeling sad, hurt, angry).
• Focusing on the problem creates an inner state of anxiety (mild discomfort to terror).
• Your inner state motivates you to act in a certain way. For example, anxiety, whether mild or intense gives you energy for action and sparks your behavior.
• Reaction helps reduce anxiety and the problem intensity in the short-term. However, when anxiety goes down, so does the impulse to react.

Emerald says the mistaken when in the victim position, as we think the problem causes our reaction. However, if we look at the sequence within the cycle, it is actually the anxiety that causes the reaction.

"A problem is rarely if ever solved from within the victim orientation." by David Emerald, The Power of TED

HOW TO SHIFT OUT OF THE VICTIM POSITION

"Things get better and you relax and stop reacting to the problem." by David Emerald, The Power of TED

Vision/Outcome – Passion – Baby Steps

• Focus on solution, vision, goal, or dream.
• Putting your attention on what you want to create.
• When you focus on what you are passionate about and what matters to you, you will have an inner sensation of purpose, excitement, hope and possibility.
• This inner state will help you take positive and constructive action to towards your vision.
• As you achieve progress in the direction of your goals, you will feel empowered and like a creator.

Excerpt from The Big Leap, by Gay Hendricks.

"Projection is the source of power struggles that eat up energy and intimacy in relationships. Power struggles are a war between two people tp see whose version of reality will win out. Much of the energy in troubles relationships is drained through power struggles about who's right, who's wrong, and who's the biggest victim. Relationship – healthy ones that is – exist only between equals. When both people are not taking 100 percent responsibility, it is an entanglement, not a relationship. There is only one way to transform an entanglement into a relationship: both people must drop projection and see that they are 100 percent the creators of their reality." By Gay Hendricks

MENTIONED:

• ERP 156: What Happens When You Feel Like A Victim In Relationship (podcast)
• POWER OF TED* (*THE EMPOWERMENT DYNAMIC) (book)
• The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level (book)
• Photo by Vladislav Babienko on Unsplash

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: 157: HOW TO SHIFT OUT OF THE VICTIM POSITION [TRANSCRIPT]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.

Thank you so much for your interest in ending the victim mentality in relationships. Identifying the symptoms of victim mentality in relationships help couples improve and understand each other to connect rather that neglect the feelings of each other.

I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

TOPIC: SYMPTOMS OF VICTIM MENTALITY IN RELATIONSHIPS FEELING LIKE A VICTIM IN RELATIONSHIP IS AN AWFUL FEELING

In relationship, we want and need to feel safe, loved, and valued. When difficult things happen, it can be extremely painful. Sometimes, it is a condition or circumstance that is challenging (like a health issue, family crisis, natural disaster, etc). But when our partner behaves badly or unskillful, it can be heartbreaking.

When awful things happen, it is natural to feel the hardship, pain, and injury, and it is incredible important to attend your experience.

RESOURCES

If you are experiencing immediate hardship and crisis, it might be helpful to check out some of the previous podcast episodes:

• How to handle Grief and loss in relationship – Part One
• How to handle Grief and loss in relationship – Part Two
• How to Repair a Breach of Trust in Relationship
• How to Deal with the Effects of Trauma in Relationship with Dr. Janina Fisher
• How to Get Relational Support When Dealing with Illness & Chronic Pain with Dr. Jackie Black
• How to Identify Manipulative & Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Paul Colaianni

In the podcasts about how we deal with pain, I addressed the fact that the way in which we handle pain contributes to greater levels of suffering (i.e. when we resist pain, anticipate, ruminate, and protest against pain).

THE DRAMA TRIANGLE

In this episode, I am going to address how we unknowingly get stuck in a destructive dynamic – The Drama Triangle.

The drama triangle is a social model of human interaction that can occur between people in conflict, which was developed by Stephen Karpman, M.D.

This common relationship dynamic perpetuates pain and suffering, and keeps us stuck in endless cycles of difficulty.

The problematic interaction and can occur in any type of relationship, where there is struggle (i.e. spouse, partner, family member, friend, colleague, etc).

Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.

Concepts for today's episode are referenced from Connected Couple and The Power of Ted, by David Emerald.

When exploring The Drama Triangle, you may notice you can occupy all positions at various point. Or you may notice a stronger tendency to take a particular role.

THE VICTIM

• Helpless and hopeless
• Collapsed and powerless
• Doesn't advocate for self
• Poor me

"Victims may be defensive, submissive, over-accommodating to others, passive-aggressive in conflict, dependent on others for self-worth, overly sensitive, even manipulative. They're often angry, resentful, and envious, feeling unworthy or ashamed about their circumstances." By David Emerald, The Power of TED

"Death of a dream: All victims have experience a loss – a thwarted desire or aspiration – even if they're not aware of it." By David Emerald, The Power of TED

THE VILLAIN OR PERSECUTOR

• Often times a person, but sometimes it is a circumstance or condition.
• Aggressive, domineering, and judgmental.
• Uses blame, criticism, and or oppression.
• Persecutors were almost always former victims. "I will never be the victim again."
• Fear of loss of control

THE HERO OR THE RESCUER

• Overly helpful and overextends (usually with good intentions)
• Feels responsible for others
• Poor you
• Intrapersonally, we might engage in behaviors that rescue ourselves from painful feelings (i.e. substance use, alcohol, sugar, computer gaming, watching tv, shopping, overeating, etc.)
• Fear of loss of purpose

When couples seek support in the way of coaching or therapy, often times they are looking for the helping professional to validate their experience. However, it is often done through the way of the victim position.

"Arguments are caused by two people racing to occupy the victim position (why are you doing this to me?) and then tries to get person B to agree with that assessment. In other words, person B has to agree that he or she is the persecutor. Therein lies the problem. It's almost impossible to get the other guys to agree that it's his fault." By Gay Hendricks in The Big Leap

In the next episode, I will discuss how to shift out of The Drama Triangle.

MENTIONED:

• ERP 135: How to handle Grief and loss in relationship – Part One
• (podcast)
• ERP 136: How to handle Grief and loss in relationship – Part Two (podcast)
• ERP 153: How to Repair a Breach of Trust in Relationship (podcast)
• ERP 148: How to Deal with the Effects of Trauma in Relationship with Dr. Janina Fisher (podcast)
• ERP 154: How to Get Relational Support When Dealing with Illness & Chronic Pain with Dr. Jackie Black (podcast)
• ERP 113: How to Identify Manipulative & Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Paul Colaianni (podcast)
• ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast)
• ERP 141: How To Decrease Relationship Pain and Suffering (podcast)
• POWER OF TED* (*THE EMPOWERMENT DYNAMIC) (book)
• The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level (book)
• Connected Couple (program)
• Wild Quest (website)
• Photo by Alex Iby on Unsplash

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Identifying the symptoms of victim mentality in relationships help couples improve and understand each other to connect rather that neglect the feelings of each other.

I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

TOPIC: HOW TO OVERCOME ENVY IN A RELATIONSHIP ENVY

Envy is a normal human experience that results from comparing ourselves to others, and the feeling that we come up short in the comparson.

In the article, titled "To Love and To Envy," by Dana Shavin, she writes "Envy is the emotion that arises when we feel that someone possesses an attribute we crave but lack."

But what happens when we compare ourselves to our intimate partner and feel envy? This is a difficult question to answer because many of us do not want to acknowledge that we feel envy towards our significant other.

"The incidence of envy between spouses can be hard to measure because people mostly don't admit it, even to themselves," says psychiatrist Gail Saltz (quoted in To Love and To Envy)

Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.

IMBALANCES IN RELATIONSHIP

Imbalances are going to occur in relationship. There is no way for you and your partner to be exactly matched in every facet of your life.

Examples of imbalance in relationship are when one partner:

• Is better with the kids.
• Makes more money.
• Has a more close-knit family.
• Is in better physical shape.
• Has more education.
• Gets more recognition and accolades.
• Is more articulate and social.
• Is more artistically talented.
• Has a more prestigious career.

STRONG COUPLES

Even when major imbalances occur in relationship, it doesn't mean that envy will occur between partners.

Here are a few ways that couples maintain a strong relationship; They:

• Keep competition for sports and play.

"Strong couples want the best for each other," (Judith) Sills says. "They don't compete except in play—think running a marathon or playing tennis. Strong partners are thrilled when the other gets 'the goodies,' even if they maybe feel a pang that they themselves didn't." (quoted in To Love and To Envy)

• View each other as equal in status, despite different ways of contributing.
• See themselves a part of a invisible team within the relationship.
• Take pride and joy in each other success.

PARTNER ENVY

From time to time, we may all experience some level of partner envy. However, pay close attention if you notice envy becoming a more prominent feeling and/or you feel resentful, bitter, and disconnected in relationship with your partner because of envy.

Here are a few reasons why partner envy happens:

• Partners don't hold a unit mentality, such as viewing their relationship as a bigger team that they are each belong to.
• One partner's success is seen as a threat because it reflects the other partner's feelings of inadequacy.

"People who don't fully grasp the concept of 'what's good for one of us is good for both of us' tend to envy a partner's success," (Gail) Saltz says, "even as it makes life better or easier for both of them." (quoted in To Love and To Envy)

• • Partners feel a sense of inequality in their relationship.

"Psychologist Peter Fraenkel, an associate professor at City University of New York and the author of Sync Your Relationship, Save Your Marriage, says that, like many problems in intimate relationships, a propensity to envy can often be traced to childhood. A lack of praise from parents, or achievements that were met with indifference or criticism, can set the stage for a lifetime of insecurity about one's accomplishments." by Dana Shavin

4 WAYS TO DEAL WITH PARTNER ENVY

1. Be Honest About Your Experience.

"Harboring resentments toward your spouse is never a good idea," (Gail) Saltz says. Recognize that to envy—and be envied—is human and move on to the next step: deciding how you and your partner will deal with the problem." (quoted in To Love and To Envy)

2. Assess Equality In The Relationship.

• Recognize each person contribution.
• Value different forms of contribution.
• Offering acknowledgement and validation for each partner's value can help counteract old negative stories and beliefs.
• Look at areas of inequality.

3. Look For Desire & Discontent.

• What does envy tell you? What do you want and what do you not want?
• Both desire and discontent can be great teachers.
• They indicate and let us know what we are missing and what is not working for us.
• We can use this information as a source of inspiration to take action on.
• As we work towards creating more of what we want and less of what we don't want, we have a life that is more authentically aligned, hence happier and healthier.

4. Focus On The Team.

• Look at the overall strength together as a couple.
• Recognize how you and your partner help each other and support each other in your accomplishments.
• See ways in which you and your partner complement each other.
• Recognize how are you and your partner are better together.
• Both partners are responsible for the life they have created.

MENTIONED:

• ERP 150: What To Do When Stuck In Self Sabotage (podcast)
• ERP 151: How to Handle the Trouble of Outshining in Relationship (podcast)
• To Love and To Envy, by Dana Shavin (article)
• Sync Your Relationship, Save Your Marriage: Four Steps to Getting Back on Track, by Peter Fraenkel (Book)
• Red & Black Game (website instructions)
• Mary Morrissey (website)
• Photo by Morgan Sessions on Unsplash

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Knowing how to overcome envy in a relationship help couples overcome selfishness and celebrate each other's success.

I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

TOPIC: HOW TO DEAL WITH A LOVED ONE WITH CHRONIC PAIN GUEST: JACKIE BLACK, PH.D., BCC

Dr. Jackie Black is a marriage expert, educator and Board Certified Coach, serving Couples Facing Life-Threatening and Chronic Illness, and Chronic Pain.

Dr. Jackie Black is the creator of the 7-Week, Online Program, Couples Daring to Live Well (with illness) Program™, and the 3-Day Private Destination Retreat, Couples Daring to Live Well (with illness) Retreat™.

She also serves private clients, and is an author, speaker and frequent guest expert on summits, podcasts and radio throughout the world.

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)

LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT:

"Surprising numbers of people are living with chronic pain and chronic illness. Yet, we don't talk about it and people don't know." by Dr. Jackie Black

• How chronic illness and pain affects everybody.
• How when a couple is dealing with chronic illness and pain, the relationship takes a huge hit. There are often supports for the person and their loved one, but no one focuses on the relationship.

"A diagnosis is a shock. No one is ever prepared." by Dr. Jackie Black.

• How people react to crisis in different ways. Partners have different experiences of the same circumstance. Partners have different needs and priorities, and sometime their needs are competing.
• How people are often afraid, overwhelmed, and are not talking to each other.
• How a couple's EQ (emotional intelligence) is being tested. Couples often do not have effective tools for how to deal with all the emotions involved. Old coping mechanisms and defensive processes stop working.

"Being happily married for decades doesn't protect you from the inevitable challenges you face being a couple living with illness or chronic pain." by Dr. Jackie Black.

• The two powerful myths that couples are faced with when dealing with chronic illness and pain.
• The myth busting techniques to help partner's strengthen their connection.
• The top 4 reasons people can get caught in common traps when dealing with chronic illness and pain.

"Relational space is sacred space." by Dr. Jackie Black.

• How weak or non-existent agreements and commitments negatively impact a couple with illness, and the importance of bilateral agreements.
• The importance of understanding partner's needs and values.
• How to increase self-knowledge and why is it so beneficial to the relationship.

MENTIONED:

• Dr. Jackie Black (website)

TRANSCRIPT: ERP 154: HOW TO GET RELATIONAL SUPPORT WHEN DEALING WITH ILLNESS & CHRONIC PAIN WITH DR. JACKIE BLACK [TRANSCRIPT]

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 154: How to Get Relational Support When Dealing with Illness & Chronic Pain with Dr. Jackie Black

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Learning how to deal with a loved one with chronic pain takes emotional support and deep understanding to help couples build a strong bond and love for each other.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

TOPIC: STEPS TO REBUILDING TRUST IN A RELATIONSHIP LISTENER'S QUESTION

"Thank you for the work you do on your podcast, it has helped me greatly in a hard relationship time. My fiancé and I were supposed to get married on June 28th. Three weeks before the wedding he met me at the courthouse to get our marriage certificate and told me that he couldn't go through with it. This came as a complete shock as our relationship had been healthy, with some minor disagreements during the planning phase of the wedding, but I had no doubts. We live in Minnesota, where he is from, and my whole family and my friends were scheduled to fly from Washington state to MN, which made this especially painful. We are in counseling now, and seeing if we can work this out, but I'm not sure if I can/want to get over this huge betrayal. Any advice you have on repair/healing relationship trauma of this nature would be so appreciated. He is here and wants to work on things, but I don't know if I have the strength to get over it, or that I could ever truly trust him again." Jenny

Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.

Understandably, you are going through heartbreak and loss. I encourage you to check out the episodes on Grief (see links below) to get more support.

It sounds like you have many questions you are grappling with…like, what is next? How do you move forward from this? Should you trust him again? Is he the right person?

My biggest encouragement to you is to make a commitment to not engage in this dynamic again. As painful as it is, there is learning in this experience.

TAKE AN HONEST LOOK

• Reevaluate and identify what happened.
• Look at the underlying aspects.
• What was your part? Recognize your patterns.
• What is the learning in this and what is being revealed to you?
• What are your highest priorities and values in relationship? Were you invested in them?
• Did you have any blind spots or things you didn't want to acknowledge?
• Did you and your fiancé build trust together (did you have clear agreements, boundaries, communication, etc)?

FIND YOUR GROUND

• Go slow. Take your time and be gentle with yourself.
• Focus on building a solid foundation.
• Affirm your strengths, lovability, and worth.
• Acknowledge your experience and process. Be with your feelings and be with yourself.
• Focus on developing a secure connection.
• Get clear on what you believe in.

FOCUS ON YOUR PART

• You can't do his work for him. You can't control him.
• Let him be responsible for his experience and his part.
• Accept what is. Ask yourself is this in alignment with what I want?
• Check out the Forgiveness episodes.

BE AVAILABLE FOR SOMETHING GREATER

• Recognize if things feel similar or if things feel different.
• Is his approach different? Is his energy different?
• Don't engage in the old patterns and old behavior.
• Be committed to your practice and your work.
• Be willing to engage differently.
• Talk honestly about what happened and be willing to learn.

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 153: HOW TO REPAIR A BREACH OF TRUST IN RELATIONSHIP [TRANSCRIPT]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Learning the steps to rebuilding trust in a relationship takes time and self-evaluation and more patience to go through the process.

I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

TOPIC: DEALING WITH SELF ABANDONMENT GUEST: DR. MARGARET PAUL

Dr. Margaret Paul is a bestselling author, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® self-healing process, recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. She has appeared on numerous radio and television shows (including Oprah). Her book titles include "Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved By You", "Healing Your Aloneness", "Inner Bonding," and the recently released "Diet For Divine Connection." Margaret has successfully worked with thousands around the world and taught classes and seminars for over 50 years.

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)

LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT:

• The number one (underlying) reason why relationships fail is self-abandonment.
• One way that we abandon ourselves is we do not take responsibility for our experience, rather we expect our partner to do it for us.

"We come into relationship expecting to get love rather than share love." by Dr. Margaret Paul

• Instead of taking responsibility, we try to control overtly (i.e. anger or blame) or covertly (i.e. withdrawing or shutting down), both of which have very negative effects on the relationship.
• What happens when we avoid our feelings.
• What happens when we learn the value and power of our feelings, and how they can help us

"Growing up very few of us learned how to take responsibility for our own fullness, happiness, peace, and joy." by Dr. Margaret Paul

• What it would look like if we took responsibility for ourselves (dealing with self abandonment).
• What happens when we stop blaming our partners, and we learn to accept them.

"We often mistake control for love." by Dr. Margaret Paul

• How to cultivate self-love.
• At any given moment, we are operating from one of two intentions. 1. To protect and avoid. 2. To learn and express, and how to know the difference between them.
• How to access more energy, joy, and happiness on a daily basis.

MENTIONED:

• Inner Bonding (website)
• 6 Steps of Inner Bonding (website)
• Diet For Divine Connection (book)
• Inner Bonding (book)
• Healing Your Aloneness (book)
• Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by You: Second Edition (book)

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Dealing with self abandonment and learning how to cultivate self-love helps us get back on track in helping regain your love as a couple.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Dealing with self abandonment and learning how to cultivate self-love helps us get back on track in helping regain your love as a couple.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.