Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

LISTENER'S QUESTION

"I've been listening to your podcasts and they've been really helpful thank you! I am thinking of approaching my partner about your program in the near future because I think we would benefit from it greatly.

Moving forward, I have a question for your podcast. For a bit of context, because I was working and undertaking law school at the same time I didn't really date and have never had a boyfriend until recently. My mother is the biggest influence on my life and before I moved in with my now boyfriend of almost 3 yrs, I was living with her. I met him on Tinder and hid the fact that I was seeing someone and I didn't introduce him to her until we decided we were official. She was hurt that I didn't tell her about him earlier and the first thing she said to me when she met him was that while he was nice, I should see other people. I respectfully told her that we were already committed and that I didn't want to see other people.

I believe that no one will ever be 'good enough' in my mother's eyes and since then, while she is polite and even charming in person – she has continued to give me grief about choosing my boyfriend and choosing to stay with him. Most of our arguments revolve around him in some way because she never fails to bring him up and make him 'an issue' for even something as petty as my boyfriend not driving a flashy new car.

My question to you is, I probably haven't been authentic or completely honest in my relationship because I haven't told my boyfriend that my mother doesn't completely approve of him so… should I tell him? Or at least share with him the burden of this knowledge because by protecting him from it, I've been hurt and I've lied. I don't want him to dislike my mother because I love and respect her at the end of the day but I'm tired of pretending we just 'had another argument' and that I'm ok because I'm not. It's also a very lonely experience. I have close friends who support me and know about the situation but my boyfriend is not aware of this.

I look forward to any advice you can provide."

Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.

Check out the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love: For a limited time only, you can use this coupon code for a 20% discount: fall2017

DR. JESSICA HIGGINS' RESPONSE:

Thank you for submitting your question. I imagine this has been an extremely difficult circumstance, and I am hopeful that you can improve the dynamic greatly.

A few questions to start with:

• How come you did not want to tell your mother about your relationship to begin with?
• Were there patterns in your relationship with her that you are already uncomfortable with before you started dating your boyfriend?
• It is possible that on some level you were anticipating the dynamic to be challenging?

Understanding your reasons for not telling her initially could be revealing and helpful in getting clear on what your needs and boundaries are with you mother. Gaining insight to this will also help in communicating your needs and boundaries with her, as you will have a more solid ground to stand on.

Some possible reasons could be:

• Needing to find your own way. Feel your own identity. Make your own decisions without being so heavily influenced.
• Or simply wanting more space. Not being so connected to her along the way. Not having her be so involved.
• Or maybe she has had a history of displaying negativity for your individual pursuits. For example, does she get anxious and worried, and not trust you to make decisions for yourself because she wants to protect you. Or maybe she feels a little threatened that she will lose you. Or possibly she wants the best for you, but sometimes puts her judgment and opinions on you.

It is interesting that you waited 3 years to share your relationship with your mother. You waited until it was serious enough (moving in together) to tell her. It almost seems as though you didn't want her input until the relationship was already established.

From the sounds of it, it doesn't sound like your mom gave him much of a chance. If she had gotten to know him and then was expressing some objection, then maybe I would suggest giving her an opportunity to express her perceptions and judgments. However, this is not the case. She didn't give him a chance.

Taking in feedback from family and friends can be a double-edged sword. On one hand, it is great to get perspectives from people you know and trust. On the other hand, they are definitely biased and not a neutral party. Therefore, they may not see things as clearly as you would like and their opinions are often clouded by their own agenda.

In regards to her statement about "seeing other people," do you know what this was about for her? For example:

• Is it her stuff (see above examples)?
• Is she thinking you should get more dating experience?
• Is this her first impression, and she wants more for you in that she thinks you can do better?

1. ADDRESS THE ISSUE.

Since you and your mother have been arguing about the issue, I am assuming she knows you are not happy about the dynamic. Although, if you decide to move forward with some new ways of relating to her, it might be helpful to clearly and specifically state your issue with her.

For example, "When you talk in ways that suggest I should not be as committed to my boyfriend or when you point out negative aspects of my boyfriend, I feel hurt, scared, angry and uncomfortable."

2. HELP HER UNDERSTAND:

It is possible she may still be grappling with the fact that she has been out of the loop for so long. Maybe the only explanation she is coming up with is that you had something to hide… that you were not proud of your boyfriend or your relationship.

While you may be trying to protect her feelings, I doesn't sound like it is working for you or for her. Try to help her understand your honest experience to the best of your ability.

For example, "You are such an important person in my life. I respect your opinion so much, and yet sometimes I wonder if I have relied on your input too much. I really want to be able to make more own decisions and learn for myself what works for me and what does not work for me."

"I do want to include you in my life. However, I may want some space and time to figure things out on my own first."

3. LET HER KNOW YOUR DISCOMFORT AND PAIN.

Again, clearly and specifically state your issue. For example: "When you talk in ways that suggest I should not be as committed to my relationship or when you point out negative aspects of my relationship or partner, I feel hurt, scared, angry and uncomfortable."

Feeling examples:

• Hurt that I don't feel your support, trust, and belief.
• Scared about the possibility that you may never accept him and it will negatively impact my relationship with you, your relationship with him, and our possible future together as extended family.
• Angry that I continue to feel so upset by the whole dynamic. It doesn't feel okay to me.
• Uncomfortable because I feel divided in my loyalties.

For example: "When you speak poorly about us or him, I feel as though you are speaking poorly about me. It hurts me. I love him. I have chosen him. It is as if you are telling me what I love is bad, not good enough or that my decision is not good enough."

"He is my person. I am loyal to him. He is becoming (or is) my family too. I feel super uncomfortable and divided when you speak negatively about us or him. I do not want to feel as if I have to choose between loyalties. Loyalty to you as my mother and loyalty to him as my boyfriend."

4. LET HER KNOW YOUR LIMITS AND BOUNDARIES.

Assuming you already know your limits (from your question, it sounds like you have a good idea of what is not working for you. Although, if you still want support with this, see below for additional resources. Also, may want to do a general google search on "how to set boundaries with a parent").

For example: "Moving forward, I will not engage in negative talk about my relationship or my boyfriend. If you want to complain or express your worry or concern, I will politely excuse myself from the conversation or interaction."

5. GIVE HER SOME GUIDANCE:

If her current input is not what you are wanting, then perhaps it would be a good idea to tell her what you DO want from her.

For example:

• "I would love for you to give him a chance. I would love for you to get to know him, look at his positive traits, and try to see why I love him."
• "I would love for you to respect my choice in a partner. Even if you do not agree or totally get it, I would love for you to support my decision to be with him."
• "Ideally, I would love for you to see his goodness and start to let him in and develop a relationship with him."

To your specific question: "My question to you is, I probably haven't been authentic or completely honest in my relationship because I haven't told my boyfriend that my mother doesn't completely approve of him so… should I tell him? Or at least share with him the burden of this knowledge because by protecting him from it, I've been hurt and I've lied."

6. COMMUNICATE YOUR ACTIONS STEPS IF SHE BREAKS YOUR BOUNDARY.

I would communicate with your mother what you will do if she crosses your boundary. This will help her know what she can expect.

You may let her know that up until now you have been holding her disapproval privately. However, you are no longer willing to carry the dishonesty and burden of the inauthentic behavior. You can tell her that you will not be keeping this a secret any longer. You will no longer be willing to lie or deceive your boyfriend. As uncomfortable as it is to set a limit with her, this dynamic has been too painful.

I would give your mother a chance to adjust to your boundaries. Even warn her when she starts to cross them, and then make sure you follow through. This is the most important part. If you do not assert your boundary, then your mother is likely to continue on with her behavior.

WHAT IF SHE DOES NOT CHANGE?

If she continues to express her disapproval, even with your setting boundaries and removing yourself from the interaction. Then, I think it is really appropriate and healthy to bring your boyfriend into the fold.

For example:

"I want to talk to you about my mother. As you know, my mother and I have been very close in my life. And since I have not dated very much at all, this is a new experience for her. I have been struggling with how to deal with her and how this all gets very complicated. As you know, I did not want to include her at all at first. I wanted to protect our relationship from her antics. I am still working out with her what her issues are whether she feels scared of losing me or what.

I feel terrible that she has not been more supportive and respectful. I have been setting limits with her and I will continue to do so. I will no longer protect her. If she does something unsupportive or disrespectful, I will remove myself from the situation. I will do my best to take care of our relationship and you.

I would like for you to know how hard this has been for me. I feel sadness and grief that she has not been easier to deal with and that she hasn't truly welcomed our relationship or you with open arms and a warm heart.

I don't want to feel hurt you. I understand this might be confusing and even feel like a betrayal. For she seems to approve when we are together, and then expresses her disapproval when you are not around.

At some point, I would love for you to understand this is more about how my mother treats me and our relationship than it is about you. I would love to be able to turn to you and let you know how much it bothers me and upsets me that she cannot be supportive in the way that I want her to be."

WHAT IF HE THINKS NEGATIVELY OF HER?

Your mother has made some choices about how she has shown up in this situation. This is reflective of her and her experience. As much as you can try, you cannot control her or her behavior. If you set limits and boundaries with her, help her understand your parameters, than you are not betraying her. She is making a decision based on the information and boundaries you have set. Your boyfriend is going to experience what is real. It is important for him to know what is really going on, so that he can learn how to deal with the situation as well. You can not do this work for him. He will have his own process. You cannot continue to pretend for her. It is hurting you too much. You are not responsible for her behavior, and it is not okay to ask you to lie and pretend for her.

I truly believe this dynamic will improve greatly if you can find your position and communicate your limits and boundaries clearly with your mother…AND take action to follow through in honoring your own boundaries.

Let me know how it goes and if I can be of any support. Check out the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love: For a limited time only, you can use this coupon code for a 20% discount: fall2017

MENTIONED:

• ERP 053: How To Build Emotional Assertiveness In Relationship (podcast)
• ERP 025: Be The Best You Can Be In Relationship (podcast)
• ERP 057: How To Avoid Enabling Your Partner's Destructive Behavior (podcast)
• ERP 018: How To Deal With Feelings Of Anger In Relationship (podcast)
• ERP 012: Dealing With Extended Family's Expectations (podcast)
• Photo by Taduuda on Unsplash

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 121: How To Get An Unsupportive Parent Onboard [Transcript]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.

I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Trust is essential to the success of a happy, loving, lasting relationship. Yet, many of us are confused about how to develop trust in a relationship.

In episode 118, I offered you 2 of the 5 tips in how to build trust with your partner. I encourage you to check it out if you missed it.

In episode 119, I discussed Brené Brown's talk on The Anatomy of Trust, where she offers important components of trust, which is based on her research and findings. Brené Brown gives us an acronym to work with: B.R.A.V.I.N.G.

To recap, B is for boundaries, R is for reliability, A is for accountability. V is for the vault. I is for integrity. N is for non-judgment. G is for generosity.

Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.

TIPS TO DEVELOPING TRUST IN RELATIONSHIP

Let's continue to use the Trust Fall exercise as an analogy as we look at how to develop a solid foundation for trust in relationship.

3. Letting go.

The act of falling back requires taking a risk and being vulnerable. This is especially true when we do not know someone that well or do not have previous trusting experience to rely on.

Before letting go, it is important to have invested in step one, "clarifying agreements," and step two, "creating safety." These steps focus on communication, how to work together, and how to set-up the interaction well. It doesn't provide a guarantee, but it can eliminate a lot confusion and misunderstandings.

• Letting go involves giving up the attempts to control (i.e. not trying to catch yourself).

What comes up for you when you have a choice to "fall back"? Do you notice any level of fear and anxiety? This is normal, and what do you do with the fear and anxiety in relationship? Do you:

• Occupy the space through talking, entertaining, and telling stories and not giving people a chance to respond or be there for you.
• Try to hide or conceal your authentic feelings by pretending everything is great and wonderful all the time.
• Distract by bringing attention to others through questions, criticism, or attacks.
• Denying any of your needs, wants, or desires, by being extra self-reliant and self-sufficient. "I don't need anyone." "It's okay. I am okay."

With previous trauma or old pain, it can be very difficult to let go. "You don't have to rely on unreliable people anymore." (story)

A trust fall does not work if someone doesn't want to fall or tries to control the process. They don't get to experience and the benefit of being caught. "You caught me." There is a certain intimacy and closeness that comes from being caught by someone as well as catching someone who is relying on you.

If we never let go, we never allow someone to catch-us. Letting go requires a willingness to be vulnerable. If you missed the series about vulnerability. You can check out the first episode here.

4. Allowing for Time & Practice.

• Work out the kinks in your interactions. Take the time to evaluate what is working well and what is not well.
• Work towards learning and understanding each other better (i.e. intentions, values, meanings, and approaches).
• Accept what your partner shares with you about their experience and reality. This is very challenging when we think we know what is going on.
• When one partner gets to their vulnerable truth, it can be hard for their partner to believe them and let down their guard. This is most difficult after long periods of cyclical arguments…almost as if they have been adversaries on this issue for so long they don't know how to calibrate the shift.
• Offer forgiveness, if you can. Try to acknowledge how they were doing the best they could even if it was not what you wanted.
• Prioritize the value of trust. Some people worry that they are being too picky, controlling or uptight. As Brené Brown talked about in her The Anatomy of Trust talk, there are important qualities to the health and trust in relationships.
• It can be crazy making to question whether or not you have trust issues or if your partner is not trustworthy.
• To evaluate the level of trust within you and your partner's interactions, consider taking an honest look at step one and step two in episode 118, as well as the components of trust in episode 119.
• If you and your partner's interactions are trusting and trustworthy, then consider looking at your ability to be vulnerable and what is making that difficult for you.

5. Believing in your worthiness:

• Staying in a relationship with someone who is untrustworthy and is not willing to engage in a constructive process together can lead to a toxic dynamic.
• This can be especially problematic when one doubts their lovability and if they will ever find someone else.

"One of the biggest casualties with heartbreak and disappointment and failure and our struggle is not just a loss of trust with other people but the loss of self trust. When something hard happens in our lives the first thing we say is I will not trust myself. I was so stupid. I was so naive." by Brené Brown

• You can develop self-trust by looking at how you show-up for yourself, how you take care of yourself, and how you advocate for yourself. Consider using Brené Brown's B.R.A.V.I.N.G. to look at your level of trust with yourself.

"Did I honor my own boundaries? Was I reliable, can I count on myself? Did I hold myself accountable? Was I really protective of my stories? Did I stay in my integrity? Was I judgmental towards myself? Did I give myself the benefit of the doubt, was A generous towards myself? by Brené Brown

• You can't have a genuine relationship without bringing yourself to the relationship. You can't enter into a good exchange, if you don't show up.

"I don't trust people who don't love themselves but say I love you." by Maya Angelou

• You deserve to be treated with love. You are worthy. The possibility of your creating a trusting relationship does exist. You are not doing anyone any favors by engaging in untrustworthy behaviors.

PRACTICE STEP:

Is there a way you can improve one aspect of trust in your relationship? Maybe you can clarify your agreements, address a specific area of trust, or let yourself fall back into your partners arms. Try focusing on one aspect to develop more trust in your relationship.

MENTIONED:

• ERP 118: How to build trust with your partner (podcast)
• ERP 119: How To Build Trust With Your Partner – Part Two (podcast)
• Brené Brown's The Anatomy of Trust (video of her talk)
• ERP 114: How To Develop The Strength Of Vulnerability (podcast)
• ERP 115: How to develop the strength of vulnerability – Part Two(podcast)
• ERP 112: What Makes Being Vulnerable So Hard? (podcast)
• ERP 113: How to Identify Manipulative & Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Paul Colaianni (podcast)

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 120: How To Build Trust With Your Partner – Part Three [Transcript]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.

I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Over the last several months, I have been getting questions from listeners around the issue of trust and how to build trust in a relationship. While trust is fundamental to the success of happy, lasting love, many of us are at a loss of how to develop it.

In last weeks episode, I offered you 2 of the 5 tips in how to build trust with your partner. I encourage you to check it out if you missed it.

Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.

Trust can feel like such a big, diffuse topic and it can be difficult to pinpoint "what is trust." To help with this, I discuss Brené Brown's talk on The Anatomy of Trust, where she offers important components of trust, which is based on her research and findings.

To explain what trust is, Brené Brown gives us an acronym to work with: B.R.A.V.I.N.G.

THE ANATOMY OF TRUST, BY BRENÉ BROWN

B – Boundaries To know what works for you and what does not work for you, and the ability to set limits with people. We are clear about the other person's boundaries and we respect them.

R – Reliability We do what we say we're going to do, and we can reply on each other…over and over again. It also means being aware of our limitations and not committing to more than we can handle.

A – Accountability We take responsibility for our part. When we make a mistake, we are willing to own it, apologize for it, and make amends. When the other person makes a mistake, we allow them to own it, apologize for it, and make amends.

V – Vault We have discernment of what we share with others. We hold each other confidence. In our relationship, we both show that we acknowledge confidentiality by also not sharing secrets third parties have shared with us.

I – Integrity We behave in ways that are consistent with our values and priorities, even if it is uncomfortable, inconvenient, and/or difficult. We choose what is right over what is easy and fun. Integrity is "practicing your values, not just professing them" by Brené Brown.

N – Non-Judgement When I am vulnerable, I can turn to you. I know you will be there for me when I am struggling or hurting. I know I will be there for you when you are down, in pain, or having a difficult time. We foster a safe space by withholding judgment and offering care.

G – Generosity We have each other's best interest in mind. We believe in each other and we give each other the benefit of the doubt. In moments, where we have wonder and question about something, we make a generous assumption or at least suspend judgment.

Check out Brené Brown's talk on The Anatomy of Trust to hear her stories and description as she breaks down the components of trust.

Next week, I will offer you 3 of the 5 tips in HOW to build trust with your partner.

MENTIONED:

• ERP 118: How to build trust with your partner (podcast)
• Brené Brown's The Anatomy of Trust (video of her talk)
• Photo by Dane Deaner on Unsplash

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 119: How To Build Trust With Your Partner Part Two [Transcript]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.

I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Trust is what helps couples feel safe together, safe to be vulnerable, and safe to deepen in their intimacy. Yet, trust takes time and skill to build. Many of us get tripped up along the way.

Trust is "a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something." Google

LISTENER'S QUESTION:

"After listening to your podcasts I've realized I don't completely trust my wife's decisions anymore. That's something I never consciously was aware of before, but realize it's been hidden and I've felt it, but didn't understand it. How do I manage that?"

In the next two episodes, I am going to offer 5 tips in how to build trust with your partner.

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)

Let's use the Trust Fall exercise as an analogy as we look at how to develop a solid foundation for trust in relationship.

TIPS TO DEVELOPING TRUST IN RELATIONSHIP

1. Clarifying Your Agreements:

• Are you in?
• Who is doing what?
• How are we are going to work together?
• Look at your expectations. Expectations play a big role in how we evaluate trust, satisfaction, and happiness in relationship.
• Be honest about what you can do and what you cannot do.

LISTENER'S QUESTION:

"I absolutely love your pod and look forward to your posts. I have one big relationship issue at the moment. The issue started when my boyfriend and I decided to live together in the near future and have been discussing finances. His father manages all of his financial decisions and my boyfriend wants his father to manage my finances. We've discussed my concerns of his father's potential bias toward him, his son, which turns into a discussion about "trust" i.e. "do you not trust me to have our best interest in mind?" I trust him or myself to arrange our finances, but I don't want to answer to his father about any and all financial decisions. Thank you for sharing your guidance through your pods. Regards,"

DR. JESSICA HIGGINS' RESPONSE:

Your not wanting your boyfriend's father to manage your finances doesn't have to be a trust issue. It can be about what you each want and don't want. You may still be negotiating your agreements. If I understand your question correctly, you may want:

• Clean and clear boundaries. His father is not a neutral party. Therapists, lawyers, and doctors typically do not work with family members because they are too involved and not able to be as objective.
• Relationships are complicated enough as it is.You may not want to add another layer of complexity, so that you can focus on making decisions with your boyfriend and doing what is best for your relationship.
• You may want to have some level of privacy. You may not want your boyfriend's father to be privy to your personal financial information. Similarly, if your boyfriend's father was the best gynecologist in town, you still may not want to get an exam with him.

What are your boyfriend's needs? It might be good to explore these questions

• Is there a reason why his father manages his finances now? Is his father incredibly savvy and skilled with finances?
• Could he learn from his father? Can he develop some skills in this area?
• Could it be possible to utilize his father's knowledge, experience, and wisdom in another way?
• Is there a reason why he does not make his own financial decisions?
• Could another person do the job as well as his father?

TIPS TO DEVELOPING TRUST IN RELATIONSHIP CONT.

2. Create Safety:

• Agreements create the foundation for safety.
• Build reliability. Is your partner going to be there for you? Are you going to be there for your partner?
• People typically have good intentions.
• Know your limitations. Be aware of your strength and abilities. Get support and reinforcement, if you need it.
• Give feedback about what would help you show-up more fully.

Stay tuned for the next episode to get 3 more tips in how to build trust with your partner.

MENTIONED:

• Making And Keeping Agreements To Strengthen Your Relationship (podcast)
• Expectations In Relationship (5 Considerations You Want To Be Aware Of) (podcast)
• Expectations In Relationship (5 Considerations Your Want To Be Aware Of) Part 2 (podcast)

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 118: How To Build Trust With Your Partner [Transcript]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.

I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

GUEST DR. PETER PEARSON

In preparing for this interview, Dr. Peter Pearson and I had conversation to discuss the topic for today's show. We also talked about some of his accomplishment, so that I could introduce him to you today.

He gave me his top five professional achievements:

• Having worked with couples, an average of 25 hours a week for over 30 years.
• Writing books with his wife, Ellyn Bader​, one book ​is ​for therapists called In Quest of the Mythical Mate, which describes the developmental approach to working with couples.
• Being on The Today Show, Good Morning America, CBS Morning Show and being written about in The New York Times, Redbook, and 50 other major news media.
• Training therapists around the world in their developmental model.
• "I'm proud most of the fact that Ellyn and I have lived together and worked together building The Couples Institute. Individually, both endeavors are challenging. Being married and working together combining them, means you got to practice what you preach and that's not easy or simple."

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)

3 STRATEGIES TO CREATING A STRONG MARRIAGE BY DR. PETER PEARSON:

1. Vision: What kind of marriage do you want to be in? What kind of marriage do you want to create? The kind of marriage that makes you glad to see each other at the end of the day.

2. Skills: Marriage requires a higher level of skill to communicate, to negotiate, to connect emotionally, especially to be curious under pressure.

3. Commitment: Commitment requires will. What is your level of commitment to apply what you learn? Instead of just making a commitment to stay together, what would it be like to make a commitment is to grow together?

IMPORTANT POINTS FROM DR. PETER PEARSON:

• In the early stages of relationship, couples have conversations about the things they want to do, places they want to go, and who they aspire to be. Partners love learning about each other. But, over time, that vision begins to fade into the routine and demands of everyday life.
• "Be curious instead of furious."
• How you handle yourself under stress that is what determines the strength and future of your marriage. AND you can increase your ability to react under pressure and think clearly under pressure if you do it as a team.
• A couple working as a team is "two highly interdependent individuals, who have mutually identified, and agreed upon goals and they hold themselves individually accountable to reach those goals."
• T.E.A.M. Together. Each. Accomplishes. More.
• Elite teams have a vision bigger then themselves. They have a shared vision and a common purpose for bringing it about.
• A marriage is the only interdependent relationship that is non-hierarchical. It is the most interdependent relationship we will ever be in. We all have to learn to be in a non-hierarchical relationship.
• Every goal that really stretches us into new territory will trigger a different part of us that will feel anxious, nervous, unprepared, unskilled, etc. What is required is faith and courage.
• Courage is the common denominator of all growth.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear. – Franklin D. Roosevelt"

DR. PETER PEARSON SHARES TWO EXERCISES:

• Crafting your vision for your future (download "The Adam & Eve Guide" below).
• Top Ten (download "The Adam & Eve Guide" below).

MENTIONED:

• Return To Eden: The Adam & Eve Guide to Improving Your Relationship(study guide opt-in)
• Couples Institute (website)
• Couples Institute Training (website)
• The First Love Story: Adam, Eve, and Us (Amazon link)

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 117: How To Work Together As A Team In Relationship, With Dr. Peter Pearson [Transcript]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER'S QUESTION:

"I am from Germany and i have listened to many of your podcasts, it really helped me to understand things better. My boyfriend and me we are 5 years together, he is from a different country (Denmark) and we speak English together in our relationship although we live in my home country. I think this makes it sometimes difficult for us to express in a nice and kind or maybe playful manner. This just gives me the idea that a show about international couples could be great.

But I think our real problem is that he is 10 years older than me and he has been before me in a 12 year relationship (with 2 kids, but it was a really unhappy relationship and she cheated on him) and before that in a 4 year relationship (his first teen love, she died in an accident when she was 18). His parents never split up and he is a very helpful person, always looking for the needs of others. I am just the opposite. My parents divorced when I was 12 years old. I had a relationship of 1 year when I was 16 and then I met some guys before him but it never got serious. I had basically have had no experience in living with a man before I met him. We really love each other and we had many great experiences in these 5 years, but we also argued nearly every week. Most times, I have something in my mind and want to do it without thinking about him, because I am used to getting what I want, because I was for a long time alone. But he gets disappointed every time, because he thinks I should look more on what he wants and needs.

And further we always try to find a solution and most times it is like i have to change. But I'm like feeling so unequal to him by that, because he always knows better. I also have the feeling That he doesn't trust me anymore that i can do and finish something. I have changed because I don't want to do something wrong and I ask him always how I should do things because in the end he knows better. This is really tough for me because I don't feel like the freedom anymore which I had when I lived alone. But we still love each other and i never want to loose him. We also want to get kids together and we want to get married. I just lost some confidence and self trust over the years. Thank you!"

Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.

DR. JESSICA HIGGINS' RESPONSE:

In the future, I would love to create an episode on bicultural relationships. One quick thought about communicating…try slowing things down. This may allow space to explain the nuances and background meanings to help one another understand the intended use of the words.

First of all, I want to acknowledge how much you love your boyfriend and how much you really want to develop a healthy relationship with him. I want to applaud your effort to invest in the quality of your relationship.

1. VALUE WHAT YOU BRING.

• Even if he "knows better," it is not about who is right. It is about being in relationship. He feel in love with you. If you do not have as much experience, than that is part of what is true for you.
• Love you and what you bring. This is one of the best ways to feel positive, self-worth.
• You can't be something that you are not. Trying to be further along or different than you are only causes suffering, pain, and insecurity.

2. FIND YOUR TRUTH.

• Yes, you are open to learning how to live with someone and share your life with someone. AND I wouldn't want you to feel responsible for knowledge and experience that you did not get.
• You gaining the experience and wisdom is going to look different than someone else gaining the experience and wisdom. It will look different on you. You have a unique expression. I wouldn't want you to give that up. Don't lose yourself. Stay connected to yourself.
• I want to encourage you to learn for yourself. Have a critical mind. Yes, take in his feedback. His input is important, but can you also gather more information (from friends, people in your life that live together well, books, etc.), so that you can explore what feels right to you.
• How do I live with someone well?
• Gaining your own insight will help you feel more confident and secure in yourself.
• Consider checking out these episodes:
• ERP 045: How To Gain Self-Confidence In Your Relationship
• ERP 046: How To Be More Assertive In Relationship
• ERP 021: How To Feel More Confident In Relationship
• ERP 022: How To Feel More Confident In Relationship – Part 2

3. DEVELOP A SYSTEM OF HOW YOU WANT TO MAKE DECISIONS TOGETHER.

• Develop or adopt a decision making process that works for you both.
• Establish agreements that will work for you both.
• How do we develop a way of relating where we can both win?
• ERP 006: Making And Keeping Agreements To Strengthen Your Relationship

4. LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH DIFFERENCES EFFECTIVELY.

• Differences often feel like conflict.
• Many people do not have a good way of dealing with conflict and seemly opposing opinions and desires.
• Learn how to handle conflict well.
• Check out the series of episodes starting with ERP 024: The Most Important Ingredient To Shifting Conflicts.

5. HOLD SPACE FOR HIM.

• Given some of his experiences (having his first girlfriend die at the age of 18 and his ex-wife cheating on him), which can be traumatic, he may have some fear, anxiety, and emotion that will come up.
• He may even look to you or try to feel better by wanting you to do something different. ERP 108: What Most Couples Do That Creates Problems
• If you say curious with him, wondering what he is feeling, he may go deeper with his emotions. You may be surprised that he has a lot going on underneath the surface.

6. HOLD SPACE FOR YOU.

• Understand you are learning. This is new territory. It is suppose to challenge you. Like any learning curve, it can feel hard.
• Pay attention to when you feel vulnerable or insecure.
• Be honest with yourself.
• Tune it to what would help you. What would support me in learning? What would support me in gaining more confidence, more security and trust in myself?
• Show up for yourself.
• Ask for help.
• "It is about progress not perfection."

This work is challenging and difficult at times, but it will give you a solid foundation to build from. Especially as you move forward into marriage and creating a family. Consider taking the Connect Couples program to develop a healthy, lasting foundation for your relationship.

PRACTICE STEP:

see https://drjessicahiggins.com

MENTIONED:

• ERP 114: How To Develop The Strength Of Vulnerability (podcast)
• ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship (podcast)
• ERP 108: What Most Couples Do That Creates Problems (podcast)
• ERP 006: Making And Keeping Agreements To Strengthen Your Relationship (podcast)
• ERP 045: How To Gain Self-Confidence In Your Relationship (podcast)
• ERP 046: How To Be More Assertive In Relationship (podcast)
• ERP 021: How To Feel More Confident In Relationship (podcast)
• ERP 022: How To Feel More Confident In Relationship – Part 2 (podcast)
• Photo by Jérémie Crémer on Unsplash

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 116: How To Regain Trust And Self-Confidence When You've Lost It [Transcript]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.

I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

This is part two of "How To Develop The Strength Of Vulnerability." If you missed part one, you can check it out here.

As a quick recap, in part one, I talked about how many of us have a negative association with vulnerability. We may even label vulnerability as bad and weak. Whereas, Brené Brown, through her research and teaching, helps us redefine vulnerability as "uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure."

When it comes to relationship, paradoxically vulnerability is a huge strength.

In ERP 114, I also offered 4 tips in How To Develop The Strength To Be Vulnerable:

• Redefine vulnerability
• Learn to accept some level of discomfort and uncertainty.
• Get connected with what is true for you.
• Set yourself up for success

Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.

In working with a client, who is developing more strength in being vulnerable, he speculated that we have two choices:

• To shut down.
• To be open.

To help structure our conversation, I created this visual on vulnerability. This visual helps organize the different components of what is involved in being vulnerable with yourself and with others.

What does vulnerability look like?

see https://drjessicahiggins.com

VULNERABILITY IN ACTION.

Open/self:

• Having faith, even at the risk of looking like a fool.
• Investing in something that is meaningful to you, even if it means you might get disappointed.
• Putting your phone away. People have a tendency to use smartphones as a defense and protection tool.
• Taking a risk.
• In the article The Power Of Vulnerability: 5 Ways To Come Alive To Your Authentic Self, by Amber Rae, "Act with no guarantees. Ideas are safe. The idea of true love, the vision of a better world, the image of your perfect lifestyle. We can sit safely in our imaginations all day or we can fully commit to taking action, embracing the notion that we might fail or get hurt."

How do people see you and feel you?

Open/others:

• Bringing up an issue. Expressing a need or desire.
• Sharing an opinion (in which you don't know how well it will be received).
• Standing up for yourself (say "ouch"). Setting a boundary.
• Sharing your feelings. Sharing what is really true for you.
• In the article The Power Of Vulnerability: 5 Ways To Come Alive To Your Authentic Self, by Amber Rae, "Be real. If you're scared, say you're scared. If you don't know, say you don't know. If you made a mistake, say you made a mistake. If you feel hurt, say you're hurt. If you're in love, say you're in love."
• Sharing what you are afraid of. Sharing a fear or a shameful experience. (story)
• Apologizing (offering a sincere "I am sorry.").
• Asking for help.
• Giving a genuine compliment (so often we avoid doing this because we are afraid of being awkward).
• Receiving a compliment.

As Brené Brown explains, vulnerability is about: "vacillating between I am here and I love you, and I'm going to reveal my innermost to you, and I am scared to death that you'll reject me."

WHAT VULNERABILITY OFFERS:

• Feeling more connection with self.
• Feeling more connection with others.
• The opportunity to build more trust.
• The chance to get our needs meet.

In the article Why Being Vulnerable Is The Key To Intimacy by Emma Seppälä, she quotes Brené Brown "Show me a man who can listen to a woman and not try to fix her problem but rather just listen to her and be there for her, show me a woman who can sit with a man who shares this vulnerability and still love him the way he is, and I'll show you a man and woman who are courageous and have done their work," says Brown. "It's about intention – 'Can this be the safest place that we have: with each other, you can be afraid with me and I can be afraid with you.'"

HOW TO DEVELOP THE STRENGTH OF VULNERABILITY: 1. FIND A STARTING POINT.

• Developing the ability to be vulnerable takes time, practice, and courage.
• Identify a few ways that you can practice being more open, honest, and vulnerable (see above for some suggestions).
• What makes you uncomfortable? What stops you from being vulnerable and intimate with your partner?
• Look for good models or examples. Try it out for yourself.
• Start small. Small steps lead to big changes.
• Take your time.
• Be gentle with yourself.

2. LEARN TO LEAN IN.

• Focus on the value of being vulnerable.
• Engage. Turn towards instead of away.
• Be willing to be open.
• Muster the courage.
• Name it. See it. Acknowledge it. Share it.
• Be seen.
• Be available for connection.
• Take care of your heart.

3. BELIEVE IN YOUR WORTHINESS AND THE PROCESS.

• Your strength will build.
• You are worthy. You are lovable.
• Build trust in yourself and others.
• People want to help. Give them a chance.
• Connection is possible.
• As discussed in previous episodes, your feeling of safety, previous experiences, and your beliefs all impact your capacity to be vulnerable. Get support, if it would be helpful.

In the article, Vulnerability the Key to Close Relationships, by Karen Young, she writes "When we shut down our vulnerability, we shut down the possibility. There are no guarantees. There never have been. But what is certain is that we deserve more than to have our vulnerability – the greatest vehicle to connection – shut down by fear. We cannot guarantee the outcome, but we can have faith in our ability to cope with it. Living and loving with a vulnerable, open heart will bring its own rewards."

The intimacy we yearn for will not develop on it's own. It requires a willingness and an openness to connect with yourself and others. As explained by Brené Brown, people with a strong sense of love and belonging believe that vulnerability is a necessity.

PRACTICE STEP:

"What is one practice step you can take to start developing the strength of vulnerability in your life?

MENTIONED:

• ERP 114: How To Develop The Strength Of Vulnerability
• ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship (podcast)
• Brené Brown (website)
• The Power Of Vulnerability: 5 Ways To Come Alive To Your Authentic Self,by Amber Rae (article)
• Why Being Vulnerable Is The Key To Intimacy By Emma Seppälä (article)
• Vulnerability the Key to Close Relationships, by Karen Young (article)
• Photo by SHTTEFAN on Unsplash

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 115: How to develop the strength of vulnerability – Part Two [Transcript]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

In episode ERP 112: What Makes Being Vulnerable So Hard?, I discussed why vulnerability is a difficult skill to develop. I talked about how vulnerability is a deceptively powerful ingredient within an intimate connection. I described some of the ways we get stuck and fight against being vulnerable. If you missed it, you can check it out here.

HOW ARE YOU WITH BEING VULNERABILITY?

Do you let your partner in? Do you let them see your inner world…your weaknesses, your insecurities, your dreams, your longing? Do you let them feel you…feel your emotion?

Or do you hold it all together? Do you keep walls up? Do you avoid the opportunity for connection because you are afraid to reveal too much? Do you set aside your hurt, so that it cannot be seen? Do you hide your innermost thoughts, feelings, and wishes in fear that they might be rejected?

DEFINING VULNERABILITY

Most of us have been bombarded with messages about being independent, capable, and strong. We expect to be able to solve all of our own problems and be self-sufficient. And asking for help and support can often bring up deep feelings of shame because we believe we should be able to handle everything.

Take a moment, when you think of being "vulnerable," what comes up for you? What is the first thing you think of? Being "weak." "helpless." "open." "unprotected."

When it comes to relationship, paradoxically vulnerability is a huge strength.

In Vulnerability the Key to Close Relationships, by Karen Young, she writes "Without vulnerability, relationships struggle. Vulnerability is, 'Here I am – my frayed edges, my secrets, my fears, my affection. Be careful – they're precious.' In return, it invites, 'Oh, I see you there. It's okay, you're safe. And here – here's me.' It builds trust, closeness and a sense of belonging. Relationships won't thrive without it. Vulnerability is openness to experiences, people and uncertainty. It's terrifying at times, and brave always."

Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.

HOW TO DEVELOP THE STRENGTH TO BE VULNERABLE 1. REDEFINE VULNERABILITY.

Brené Brown, a professor and vulnerability researcher at the University of Houston has done a lot to bring the importance of vulnerability to mainstream awareness. If you haven't seen her TED talks, I encourage you to check them out:

• The Power Of Vulnerability (TED Talk)
• Listening To Shame (TED Talk)

In Brené Brown's best selling book "Daring Greatly," she defines vulnerability "as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure."

Vulnerability is like the feeling we get when we take a risk, step out of our comfort zone, and the outcome is uncertain (story).

Brené Brown teaches us that while doing something new may feel uncomfortable, it also opens us up to new opportunities. Conversely, turning away from the discomfort and challenge, can perpetuate feelings of loneliness, disconnection, and dissatisfaction.

2. LEARN TO ACCEPT SOME LEVEL OF DISCOMFORT AND UNCERTAINTY.

• Discomfort is natural and is a part of the process.
• It is okay to be nervous. It is okay to feel scared. Nothing is wrong.

"Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center of meaningful human experiences," Brené Brown

• When we do not accept our discomfort, we are likely to feel some level of shame or self-rejection.

3. GET CONNECTED WITH WHAT IS TRUE FOR YOU.

• Check-in with yourself. Drop into a deeper place of feeling.
• Connect with what is real.
• Be honest. Be willing to feel.
• Ask yourself: What am I feeling?
• Ask yourself: What do I need and what do I want? (story)
• Feel your heart. Love your vulnerability and authenticity.
• Have your own back. Ignoring or sweeping emotions under the rug doesn't make the vulnerability go away.

Vulnerability allows you to authentically express and it allows you to open your heart. Plus, the more you can connect with what is real for you, the easier it will be to share with someone else.

4. SET YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS.

Choose:

• An appropriate time and place: share with someone when they have the time and space to give you their attention and focus (not when they are running late and rushing out of the door).
• With whom to share: share with someone in your trusted inner circle. An Intimate partner. Best friend. Close family member (as you build strength, you may be able to be more transparent with people in general).
• To what level your want to share: practice revealing at different levels (you may want to share everything with your partner and just the abbreviated version with a family member).
• To be intentional about your sharing. Make space for heartfelt connection. Treat your vulnerability as a special gift.

"What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful." – Brené Brown

MENTIONED:

• ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship (podcast)
• ERP 111: Is it okay to want validation from My partner? (podcast)
• ERP 112: What Makes Being Vulnerable So Hard? (podcast)
• Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead (Book)
• The Power Of Vulnerability (TED Talk)
• Listening To Shame (TED Talk)
• Brené Brown (website)
• Vulnerability the Key to Close Relationships, by Karen Young (article)
• Photo by Matthew Kane on Unsplash

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 114: : How To Develop The Strength Of Vulnerability [Transcript]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

GUEST PAUL COLAIANNI:

Paul Colaianni is host of The Overwhelmed Brain podcast and author of the book: The Overwhelmed Brain: Personal Growth for Critical Thinkers. He helps people all over the world become empowered so that they can make decisions that are right for them. He currently lives in Atlanta, Georgia.

In this episode, Paul talks with us about the damage of manipulation and emotionally abusive relationships. He offers signs and symptoms to help identify a toxic relationship. He also gives us two important keys in helping transform emotional abusive relationships.

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.)

IMPORTANT POINTS FROM PAUL COLAIANNI:

Toxic relationship are when you feel bad more often than not.

"One of the main functions of an emotional manipulator is to get what they want, the way they want it by controlling people in the environment." Paul Colaianni

Components of Emotionally Abuse Relationship:

• Your partner is in control. You often feel like you are tagging along.
• Your partner makes you feel bad about yourself, and you mistrust yourself. You believe your partner is the only person that you can trust.
• You believe your partner is the only person that will show you love, and there is no one else that will love you.

Manipulators usually have a really old fear that is driving their manipulative behavior.

SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF MANIPULATION AND EMOTIONAL ABUSIVE IN RELATIONSHIPS, BY PAUL COLAIANNI:

Each item alone does not indicate a toxic or abusive relationship. Emotional abuse tends to happen over a period of time. To get a more comprehensive assessment, check out the MEAN worksheet by Paul Colaianni. Here are a just few items that Paul shared with us:

• "During and after a conversation with your partner, you can often feel (embarrassed, ashamed, guilty, anxious, angry, uneasy, and especially feeling like you are blamed or responsible for what is wrong in the relationship).
• Before you met your partner, you felt pretty good about yourself.
• Everything in the relationship seems so complex.
• You allow your boundaries or your values to be violated.
• You feel bad honoring your boundaries.
• You are always trying to find ways to make your partner happy, even at the cost of your own happiness. You apologize a lot.
• Your partner talks and talks and talks and talks.
• You don't know where your passion for life is.
• You dread losing the relationship, even though you are mostly unhappy.
• You feel like you are going crazy.
• You feel guilty almost all the time.
• You believe you are not worthy or lovable."

TWO KEYS TO CREATE CHANGE:

If you are the victim:

• Start trusting yourself and make a decision about what you are going to do about your situation. Trust your decision.

If you are the manipulator:

• Put your focus on yourself. Take absolute accountability for your experience.

MENTIONED:

• The Overwhelmed Brain (Paul Colaianni's website)
• Manipulation and Emotional Abuse Worksheet (link to Paul Colaianni's MEAN Worksheet)
• Are You With a Manipulative Person? – Indecision and Regret (The Overwhelmed Brain Podcast Episode)
• Are You Being Manipulated? (The Overwhelmed Brain Podcast Episode)
• Identifying Your Sense of Self – Overcoming the Guilt of Leaving the Emotional Abuser – Diminishing Emotional Triggers (The Overwhelmed Brain Podcast Episode)
• Transforming the Emotionally Abusive Relationship (The Overwhelmed Brain Podcast Episode)
• The Meaning of Communication – Guilt by Manipulation – Obsessing Over the Ex (The Overwhelmed Brain Podcast Episode)
• The Manipulative Man: Identify His Behavior, Counter the Abuse, Regain Control, by Dorothy McCoy (book)
• The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Expanded Third Edition: How to recognize it and how to respond, by Patricia Evans (book)

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 113: How To Identify Manipulative & Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Paul Colaianni [Transcript]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Over the last couple of weeks, I have been discussing the challenge of maintaining closeness and intimacy with your partner, as well as maintaining your sense of self in a long-term commitment, love relationship. In last week's episode, I talked about how to seek validation and intimacy within your relationship. I offered 4 keys to doing this successfully: safety, ownership, vulnerability, and transparency.

RELATIONSHIP SECURITY AND INDIVIDUAL AUTHENTICITY WORKING TOGETHER

Within an intimate relationship, we often feel the constant tension between upholding the harmony and security of the bond as well as staying honest and real about our individual desires and preferences. Both relationship security and individual authenticity are important. While they feel conflicting, they actually work together supporting the development of both. Having a more secure base, provides a safer foundation to launch from (explore and take risks). Opening up more and revealing what is true and real with a loved one (within a safe container), creates intimacy, connection, and safety.

Please check out episode ERP 110 and ERP 111 out to learn more.

In an article titled, Courage in Relationships: Conquering Vulnerability and Fear, Leon F Seltzer Ph.D. writes "Unfortunately, in many instances we simply can't feel secure enough with our partner to approach anything we sense could endanger this bond. And so our "security" (such as it is) is really shallow and tenuous; untested. We're just not willing—courageously—to risk feeling refused or rejected in the effort to move toward a more genuinely secure relationship:"

VULNERABILITY – "A DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH"

Why is vulnerability so hard? We want to feel strong. We want to be loved and accepted. We want to feel competent and able. We want to feel empowered and that we can overcome obstacles. We value achievement, perseverance, and resiliency. We say things like "Don't wallow." "Don't be a victim." "Don't let your circumstances define you." Given the appropriate context, I agree with the sentiments of these statements. But have we gone too far?

Do we attempt to bypass pain to exercise strength and resilience? Of course, we would all probably prefer to not feel pain. However, have we truncated or cut off the process entirely? Sure, we do not want to get stuck in a deep hole or downward spiral for months and months. But when do we get the chance to feel? Feel what is real?

In Vulnerability the Key to Close Relationships, Karen Young writes"Somewhere along the way, the need to protect ourselves from being vulnerable has trumped the need to connect. I understand that. Few things hurt as deeply and completely as the heartache that comes from relationships. But heartache and uncertainty is part of being human and it's avoidance is getting in our way. In response to this, we've stopped allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. We've toughened up. We've turned vulnerability into a weakness and guardedness into a strength"

VULNERABILITY CREATES AN OPENING.

Dr. Brené Brown, a renowned expert on vulnerability, has been doing a lot to help us redefine vulnerability. Through her research, she has found the value of vulnerability.

In Vulnerability the Key to Close Relationships, Karen Young, writes "Vulnerability is the driving force of connection. It's brave. It's tender. It's impossible to connect without it. But we've turned it into a weakness. We've made ourselves 'strong'. We've toughened up, hardened up and protected ourselves from being hurt. We've protected ourselves from vulnerability and disallowed the surrender. Here's the problem. When we close down our vulnerability we are shielded from hurt, but we are also shielded from love, intimacy and connection. They come to us through the same door. When we close it to one, we close it to all."

Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my story, explanations, and examples.

WHAT MAKES BEING VULNERABILITY SO HARD?:

Pain is too much:

• Overwhelming.
• Annihilating.
• Can't deal.
• Isn't within our awareness.

What we say, feel, believe about ourselves:

• Shame: "I failed."
• Insecure: "Nobody really cares about me."
• Unworthy: "I don't feel good enough." "If I was smarter, more success, more attractive, than I would be worthy."
• Unloveable: "I am toxic. I am deficient."
• Inadequate: "I am not good at relationship"

We fear our partner's response:

• Rejection: "You don't know what you are talking about." "I don't feel the same way about you."
• Criticism: "You are too needy." "That is ridiculous. You are just being selfish."
• Abandonment: "I don't care how you feel or what you think." "Your partner shakes their head and turns away from you."
• Attacked: "Stop being childish." "In response, to your sharing a sexual desire, that's perverted"
• Betrayal: "I don't need you." "I don't want you anymore." (uncared for, dismissed, or even humiliated)

Previous hurt, pain, and/or trauma (old feelings)

WHAT MAKES BEING VULNERABLE EVEN HARDER?

Our attempts to protect:

• Afraid of upsetting the "perceived relationship harmony" (rocking the boat).
• Fear of upsetting partner.
• Fear of upsetting the relationship flow and dynamic.
• Don't feel safe.
• Avoidance. It is natural and understandable to want to avoid feeling pain and to try to prevent pain from happening. We are wired up to protect ourselves.

In the article, Yes, Being Vulnerable Is Terrifying—But Here's Why It's So Worth by Katherine Schrehber, she writes "We've all struggled to open up to others at some point in our lives, says Jeffry Simpson, Ph.D., a social psychologist and professor of psychology at the University of Minnesota. If you've ever balked at the mere thought of getting close to someone new, rest assured: That's normal. It's instinctual and natural to avoid situations where we might get injured, he explains, even if that injury is "only" psychological."

ACCEPT INSTEAD OF FIGHT AGAINST PAIN

Radical Acceptance by Brent Menninger writes "Pain can be almost impossible to bear, but suffering is even more difficult. When you refuse to accept pain, you will suffer. Fighting reality, opposing the inevitable or struggling against what is – causes suffering. SUFFERING = PAIN X NON-ACCEPTANCE OF THE PAIN"

Brent Menninger also writes about 3 myths about acceptance:

• "1.If you don't accept something, it will magically change and you won't have to deal with it.
• 2. If you accept your painful situation, you will give in to it or it will take over your life.
• 3. If you accept your painful situation, you are accepting a life of pain without end. (Actually, with acceptance, you can move on to problem solving)."

In Vulnerability the Key to Close Relationships, Karen Young writes 'Occasionally we get hurt. Relationship pain is an unavoidable part of being human. When it happens it can steal you. I know. But we can see this for what it is – a mismatch of people, a redirection, a learning, a happening – or we can take it as a warning and protect ourselves from the possibility of being hurt again. In this case, we make the decision to not be vulnerable. We shut it down. By shutting down to the risks of being vulnerable, we also shut down to the possibilities – the possibility of joy, intimacy, closeness, gratitude and connection."

HOW DO YOU HANDLE BEING VULNERABLE?

Self: Can you be with your own pain? Can you make space to see it and acknowledge it?

Others: Are you willing to be seen… willing to reveal parts or yourself you are not sure will be accepted?

MENTIONED:

• ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship (podcast)
• ERP 111: Is it okay to want validation from My partner? (podcast)
• Courage in Relationships: Conquering Vulnerability and Fear, by Leon F Seltzer Ph.D (article)
• Brené Brown (website)
• Vulnerability the Key to Close Relationships, by Karen Young (article)
• Yes, Being Vulnerable Is Terrifying—But Here's Why It's So Worth by Katherine Schrehber (article)
• Radical Acceptance by Brent Menninger
• Photo by Jack Kaminski on Unsplash

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 112: What Makes Being Vulnerable So Hard? [Transcript]

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