Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

In the Empowered Relationship Podcast episode 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship, I talked about we often get caught in the belief that being in relationship requires us to give over of ourselves in an attempt to seek relationship harmony. Yet, when we do this, we can lose touch with ourselves, our passion, and our desires.

David Schnarch in Passionate Marriage talks about "Emotionally fused couples." He explains that they "are controlled by their connection. They have lost their ability to direct themselves and so get swept up in how people around them are feeling. There's room for only one opinion, one position, differentiation is the ability to stay in connection without being consumed by the other person. Our urge for togetherness and our capacity to care always drive us to seek connection, but true interdependence requires emotionally distinct people."

In episode 110, I talked about the importance of holding priority for both needs…autonomy and intimacy in relationship. Yet, we typically do not have a model of how to grow ourselves (autonomy) while growing in relationship (intimacy).

Intellectually, we may understand that both needs are important…the need for autonomy and the need for intimacy. But in practice, we struggle balancing these two seemly conflictual needs. Though, the struggle is part of our development. The process of growing, maturing, and evolving us.

In episode 110, I also talked about two different approaches in the field of couples work.

• One is to help the individual become more differentiated. "Differentiation is the process by which we become more uniquely ourselves by maintaining ourselves in relationship with those we love." By David Schnarch in Passionate Marriage. Through the process of self validation "that's when you don't expect your partner to validate or accept what you disclose. You validate yourself as you show your partner who you really are." By David Schnarch in Passionate Marriage
• The other is to help couples create a more secure emotional connection, so that they can feel more trust, care, and safety within their partnership. This safety allows for more vulnerability and authentic sharing, which in turn creates more connection.

The main difference between these approaches is the need for safety in the relationship dynamic. One approach focuses on self-soothing and self-validating, so that a partner can express himself/herself more authentically and vulnerability. This in turn cultivates more passion and connection. While the other approach focuses on creating safety between partners to allow for more vulnerable sharing, which in turn creates more intimacy and connection.

Through my dissertation research, I speculated that it may be important to first create a solid, safe foundation in relationship to then take more risks of self-expression and self-validating.

While these two approaches are different in their focus, they have several similar aspects. Let's address the desire to feel seen, understood and validated.

We all want to feel accepted, loved, and valued for who we truly are. Yet, the path of seeking validation can be fraught with great difficulty.

"We're driven by something that makes us look like we crave intimacy, but in fact we're after something else: we want someone else to make us feel acceptable and worthwhile….Once we realize that intimacy is not always soothing and often makes us feel insecure, it is clear why we back way from it." By David Schnarch in Passionate Marriage

It may be important to note there is a subtle difference between the intention to seek intimacy verses to seek validation. Seeking validation is more about approval and okayness.

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.)

IS IT OKAY TO WANT VALIDATION FROM YOUR PARTNER?

If you do not know you are worthy and acceptable, it may be incredibly healing to have your partner remind you of your goodness. AND are you continuously relying on your partner's validation to source your self-esteem? Or are you doing your inner work to grow yourself?

To answer the question "Is it okay to want validation from your partner?," it may be important to look at a few aspects within yourself first. These questions address HOW you are going about seeking validation and seeking intimacy:

• Are you wanting your partner to be responsible for your experience? ("You didn't agree with me. I feel small and inadequate. It is your fault that I feel insecure. Can you see how you made me feel low?") Or are you clear that you are seeking validation? ("I am feeling a lot of self-doubt. Can you help me? Would you be willing to point out some strengths that I might be overlooking about myself or the situation? (ownership)
• Are you willing to look at your discomfort and pain to have greater understanding of what your issue is about? Asking yourself what gets brought up in you in this situation, may help you see with is going on at the core. If you do not look within, you are likely going to miss a great opportunity to learn something powerful about yourself and you will probably project on your partner. And your partner will not have an opportunity to really be with you and connect with what is real within you. (vulnerability)
• Are you willing to let your partner really see you fully? Usually, we want our partner to look at what they did wrong to hurt or offend us. It is a much more vulnerable thing to look at why this is a tender spot for you or what insecurity it brings up in you, AND then to share it with your partner. (transparency)

"Well-differentiated people can agree without feeling like they're "losing themselves," and can disagree without feeling alienated and embittered, They can stay connected with people who disagree with them and still "know who they are." They don't have to leave the situation to hold onto their sense of self." By David Schnarch in Passionate Marriage

4 KEYS TO SEEKING VALIDATION AND INTIMACY:

1. Safety

2. Ownership (Responsibility)

3. Vulnerability (authenticity) "Vulnerability here does not mean the act of being weak or submissive. To the contrary, it implies the courage to be yourself. It involves uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. And that is why it might seem scary." By Emma Seppälä in Why Being Vulnerable Is The Key To Intimacy

4. Transparency:

"The truth is that when we allow ourselves to be completely open and vulnerable, we benefit, our relationships improve, and we may even become more attractive. "We are actually drawn to people who are real and down-to-earth," says Brown. "We love authenticity and we know that life is messy and imperfect." Why do we love children so much? Why are we drawn to people who act themselves? Because we feel an intrinsic comfort in the presence of authenticity. Moreover, someone who is real and vulnerable gives us the space and permission to be the same." By Emma Seppälä in Why Being Vulnerable Is The Key To Intimacy

PRACTICE STEP:

How can you would will one of the 4 Keys this week (safety, ownership, vulnerability, transparency?

MENTIONED:

• Passionate Marriage (book)
• Brené Brown (website)
• Why Being Vulnerable Is The Key To Intimacy By Emma Seppälä
• What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship? (article)
• Photo by Zoran Zonde Stojanovski on Unsplash

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 111: Is It Okay To Want Validation From Your Partner? [Transcript]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Do you aim to please your partner or do you aim to express yourself authentically? Do you give your partner what he/she wants immediately or do you advocate for your desires? With a sensitive topic, do you avoid stating what is real for you because you fear upsetting your partner?

These questions address the continual challenge of negotiating our need for individuality (personal needs, desires, dreams) and our need for closeness in relationship (connection and intimacy).

TWO CONFLICTING NEEDS:

In relationship, we often feel as though we only two options; 1) go along with your partner's preferences 2) exert your preferences.

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.)

AIMING TO PLEASE:

When the priority is all about accommodating our partner, we can lose connection with ourselves. We may lose integrity with what is real individually. We may not express our authentic needs, desires, and preferences because we are afraid of:

• being rejected (being seen as "too much," "inappropriate," or "not okay.")
• looking silly or being embarrassed.
• conflict (i.e our partner not wanting what we want or not liking what we shared).
• upsetting our partner.
• feeling alone.
• feeling disconnected.
• feeling abandoned.

With pleasing and prioritizing our partner, we can run into these challenges as well:

• When our partner is not happy with our attempts to please, we can feel hurt, misunderstood, and/or not good enough.
• Our partner can begin to expect us to give over freely and easily, and/or we can feel pressured too put our partner first (or that putting their needs first is "the right thing to do").
• Our partner's happiness becomes a measure of our performance – or how well we are doing as a partner. This begins to feel like "If my partner is upset, I am not okay." or "If my partner is happy, we are good."

FUSION FANTASY:

Excerpt from Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch, about the concept of "fusion fantasy" (from page 56), which is "the fantasy of two (or more) bodies appearing to be controlled by a single mind – as of we've given up our separate identities and become part of a larger oneness."

"Fusion fantasy" reminds me of the phenomenon "Groupthink." Google's definition of groupthink is: the practice of thinking or making decisions as a group in a way that discourages creativity or individual responsibility.

"Groupthink is a psychological phenomenon that occurs within a group of people in which the desire for harmony or conformity in the group results in an irrational or dysfunctional decision-making outcome. Group members try to minimize conflict and reach a consensus decision without critical evaluation of alternative viewpoints by actively suppressing dissenting viewpoints, and by isolating themselves from outside influences." Wikipedia

Partners who have been caught in the pattern of suppressing their individual or creative selves in relationship to avoid conflict will typically get to a point where they feel stuck, frustrated, and dissatisfied. Their relationship does not represent them and does not feel like what they expected or planned for.

Culturally, we often get the message that if we find "the one" things will flow and be easy, as if this route of self-sacrifice leads to relationship bliss. However, this is not the case. In fact, continual self-sacrifice in relationship leads to many issues.

"Fusion Fantasy" leads to:

• protecting the status quo, which gives the illusion of safety.
• staying in the comfort zone and being afraid to take risks.
• hiding and not sharing, revealing, and being vulnerable.
• loosing touch with self, and what is meaningful and important.
• a loss of excitement, passion, and intimacy within the relationship.
• stagnation and lack of growth and development personally and relationally.

TAKING CARE OF THE RELATIONSHIP

Attachment theory in adult romantic relationships helps us understand how important it is for partners to feel safe in their emotional connection. Partners need to feel that they can rely on, trust, and turn to each other for care. Partners need to know that their parents will have their back and be there for them. Couples need to feel that their emotional bond is secure and stable.

In helping couples create more safety in their emotional connection, the process is not about getting the couple to have the same experience or getting them to be in unison. It is about creating a space space of each individual to reveal their deep, authentic experience more vulnerably to their partner. When this type of sharing occurs and our partner will more likely hear our experience without feeling blamed, shamed or responsible (as you are showing them what is going on for you rather than making it their fault or problem). In turn, our partner's genuine response will usually be empathic and an expression of desire to help (because they care and can see your pain).

SAFETY & GROWTH

In my dissertation, couples talked about the importance of commitment to have a safe foundation to grow from. They talked about how the commitment gave them a sense of comfort and security to take risks and explore more freely. Therefore, their commitments were more liberating rather than constraining. They felt the courage and safety to try new things and to be more vulnerable.

TAKING CARE OF SELF

"Differentiation is the process by which we become more uniquely ourselves by maintaining ourselves in relationship with those we love." Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch (page 51)

VALUE FOR BOTH:

In relationship, we are faced with the task of balancing these two very important and essential needs…autonomy and intimacy.

Many people talk about the benefit of balance, and it worth noting that balance is a very difficult state to achieve. We usually have moments of balance, but more often than not we are in a state of seeking balance.

Interdependence – having value for both autonomy and intimacy.

When a couple dances together in an expressive way, they can flow together, where both people are having fun and contributing to the movement. Both people are individually responsible for their balance and at times may choose to join or even lean on each other in a mutually consensual way. They may also choose to focus on their individual movement at times. All along, they are creating a larger dance together.

MENTIONED:

• Passionate Marriage (book)
• What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship? (article)
• "Groupthink" (Wikipedia)
• Photo by Boris Smokrovic on Unsplash

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship [Transcript]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

In last week's podcast episode, titled "What Most Couples Do That Creates Problems," I talked about how couples tend to try and resolve their concerns through their partner.

In a short video by Dr. John Gottman (renowned relationship expert and researcher), he talks about this dynamic. In Gottman's language, he separates couples from his research into two major groups: the "masters" and the "disasters."

Masters are the couples that are still happily together after six years. Disasters are the couples that are unhappy and/or are not together anymore.

When addressing an issue, masters are gentle in their approach with one another. Whereas, disasters tend to have the attitude of "diagnosing their partner's personality defects."

Frequently, I talk about the importance of approaching a difficult conversation from a calm and caring place, in that it sets the conversation up for better communication. Couples will be more apt to listen and hear each other, and hence be a little more able to work towards a resolution together.

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.)

WHAT IS GENTLENESS?

Google's definition of gentleness:

• "the quality of being kind, tender, or mild-mannered."
• "softness of action or effect; lightness."

WHY DO WE STRUGGLE WITH BEING GENTLE?

• We think being gentle is a gift or is for the benefit of our partner.
• We get angry and think our partner doesn't deserve our kindness. Sometimes, we may even want to punish our partner a little bit.
• We are not gentle because we are protesting something our partner is doing, in hopes they will hear our plea and come to the rescue.
• We feel offended, slighted as if our partner doesn't care and/or has hurt us purposely,
• We think our partner will not hear the severity of our concern if we are too gentle in our approach.

When in fact, the opposite is true. When we come on strong, our partner is often too busy managing their stress levels of feeling attacked. This is largely an automatic and biological function. If your partner is feeling worried, scared, insecure, and overwhelmed, chances are they will be more focused on trying to protect themselves rather than listening to what you have to say. This prevents communication because partners are not feeling safe, secure, and at ease.

WE REACT TO EACH OTHER'S NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION

Couples can react to each other within a nanosecond. It doesn't take much…an eye roll…head nod…a sigh.

The majority of communication is nonverbal. Here is an excerpt from this article How Does Nonverbal Communication Affect Relationships?:

"Most of us remember cringing as children when our mothers gave us that look — the look that meant we were in deep trouble. She didn't have to say a word. And even if she did say a word — even if it was kind — you could probably still tell you were in trouble because the brain processes both verbal and nonverbal communication at the same time and notices when someone's words don't match their body language. A wealth of emotions can be conveyed with a look, a sigh, a smile or a tilt of the head. Nonverbal communication is not just something we do to show how we are feeling, but we also depend on our interpretations of it when we interact with each other.

Indication of trouble or upset in the relationship.

Nonverbal communication includes body language, tone of voice and facial expressions, all of which can be misinterpreted. When nonverbal cues are misinterpreted, it can create conflict in a relationship."

WHEN BOTHERED BY YOUR PARTNER, ARE YOU GENTLE IN YOUR APPROACH?

When are you not gentle with your partner? What hinders your ability to be gentle?

• "When I feel stressed (pressed for time, tired, hungry or overwhelmed)."
• "When I think my partner knows better, and they do not care."
• "When I feel scared or threatened."

When are you able to be gentle? What helps?

• "When I feel good and strong."
• "When I feel in connected with my partner."
• "When I trust my partner cares, but just does not know what is going on for me."

HOW TO CREATE MORE GENTLENESS:

1. One of the best ways to set your communication up for success is to start off soft with your approach. This comes from being in a calm state and caring about having a positive outcome.

2. Prioritize gentleness throughout the conversation. This requires you to manage your stress level. From Nonverbal Communication: "Stress compromises your ability to communicate. When you're stressed out, you're more likely to misread other people, send confusing or off-putting nonverbal signals, and lapse into unhealthy knee-jerk patterns of behavior. And remember: emotions are contagious. You being upset is very likely to make others upset, thus making a bad situation worse. If you're feeling overwhelmed by stress, it's best to take a time out. Take a moment to calm down before you jump back into the conversation. Once you've regained your emotional equilibrium, you'll be better equipped to deal with the situation in a positive way."

3. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Trust they care. Being willing to participate in creating a climate of goodwill.

4. Let them know what happens for you, rather than what they are doing wrong. Talk about your experience – reveal your thoughts, worries, fears, and emotions (listen to episode ERP 108 for more information).

PRACTICE STEP:

Ask yourself:

• When am I able to be gentle? What helps?
• When am I not gentle? What hinders?

If you have an issue to bring up with your partner, try to practice these 4 steps. Let me know how it goes!

MENTIONED:

• ERP 108: What Most Couples Do That Creates Problems (podcast episode)
• Nine Destructive Behaviors to Avoid During Relationship Conflict (article)
• A Step-by-Step Guide To Turn Any Argument Into Effective Communication (article)
• ERP 074: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship (podcast episode)
• ERP 075: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship – Part Two (podcast episode)
• "Criticism" video with Dr. John Gottman (video)
• How Does Nonverbal Communication Affect Relationships? (article)
• Nonverbal Communication (article)
• East Beach Volleyball Academy (website)
• AVP (website)

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 109: How Being Gentle With Your Partner Can Make a Big Difference [Transcript]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

We look to solve our concerns through our partner.

We spend our time trying to get our partner to see what THEY are doing wrong and get them to see our perspective. We think, "If I can just point it out to them in a way they can hear it…" "Or if I can give them a good enough example and illustrate my point, they will understand."

We think if they understand, they will see the error of their ways and they will change their behavior.

Attempts at this strategy usually never work. When we tell our partner what they are doing wrong, most often they will get defensive. They will feel hurt, attacked, or blamed.

Many times couples go into therapy expecting or hoping that the therapist will help change their partner. One partner or both partners want the therapist to be a judge deeming a particular behavior as unacceptable and convince the offending partner to change.

To hear how to shift out of this dynamic, please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript. You will hear explanations, stories and examples as well.

Here are 4 steps to shift out of this challenging dynamic:

1. RECOGNIZE THE CUE (I.E. COMPLAINT OR ISSUE). 2. AS SOON AS YOU ARE ABLE, INQUIRE INTO WHAT IS GOING ON FOR YOU.

"Hmm." "What is going on in me?" "What is wanting to be expressed?"

3. STAY WITH IT.

Stay interested and curious in what is going on for you.

4. ALLOW NEW INSIGHT AND AWARENESS TO EMERGE (MAY HAPPEN IMMEDIATELY OR IT MAY HAPPEN OVER A FEW HOURS OR DAYS). MENTIONED:

• Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment (Gay & Katie's book)
• The Hendricks Institute (Gay & Katie's website)
• ERP 066: How to move out of criticism into love & appreciation With Kathlyn Hendricks (podcast episode)

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 108: What Most Couples Do That Creates Problems [Transcript]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

GUEST STAN TATKIN:

Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a couple therapist known for his pioneering work in helping partners form happy, secure, and long-lasting relationships. His method—called PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy®)—draws on principles of neuroscience and teaches partners to become what he terms "secure-functioning."

Together with his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, PhD, Dr. Tatkin founded the PACT Institute to train psychotherapists and other professionals how to incorporate his method into their practices with couples. Therapists from all over the world are being trained in this breakthrough approach.

Dr. Tatkin has a private practice in Calabasas, CA, and is an assistant professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Department of Family Medicine. He is the author of several books, including the bestselling WIRED FOR LOVE and WIRED FOR DATING published by New Harbinger.

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.)

STAN TATKIN TALKED ABOUT:

• "Secure Functioning" is being in a relationship that is fully collaborative, fully mutual, and based on justice, fairness, and sensitivity.
• How a couple protects each other and how they handle stress together.
• Environmental threats may bring stress to the individuals and the couple, and helping couples regulate the stress through connection and relationship.
• Family culture – is relationship a priority? If relationship is not important and prioritized, than children often develop some level of insecure attachment.
• Cultural messages can be misleading and confusing (i.e. "Love yourself before you can love another.")
• Couples often lack purpose in their union…why they are together? What is their partnership all about? What are their shared values, agreements, and principles that keep them committed?
• People with insecure attachment styles tend to behave in ways that are good for the self, but are not good for the relationship.
• How our neurobiology impacts our perception and memory, which in turn impacts the way we perceive and experience our partners in relationship.
• Naturally, we tend to have a negativity bias.
• Prioritizing emotional attunement in relationship.
• The importance of having loyalty to the couple system that provides a foundation of security, safety, and sustenance for the couple to thrive.

***UPCOMING PODCAST TOPICS***

I would love your input! Please let me know what topics interest you the most by filling out this very easy survey. Also, feel free to include other topics that you would like to hear episodes on. Thank you!!!!! I appreciate you!!!!!

MENTIONED:

• Stan Tatkin (website)
• PACT Institute (website)
• Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship
• Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate
• Relationships Are Hard, But Why? Stan Tatkin (Ted Talk)

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 107: How To Prioritize Relationship With Stan Tatkin [Transcript]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Recently, a listener posed a question about how to handle attractions towards people outside their relationship.

It is normal and healthy to be attracted to people, even to people outside your marriage or long-term relationship. It is what you do with the feelings of attraction that determines if the attraction is going to become constructive or destructive.

When we try to hide, conceal, and deny feelings of attraction, we get ourselves into trouble.

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.)

1. GIVE SPACE AND ACCEPTANCE FOR YOUR FEELINGS AND ATTRACTION.

"Everything begins with a choice to face something or to avoid facing it. Facing is the choice that saves the most lives. Failure to face something is the choice that destroys the most lives. If you are not happy and creative, look first at what you are not facing in your life. When our lives are not working, there is always at least one thing we are not facing." Gay Hendricks in Conscious Living

2. ATTRACTION IS MORE ABOUT YOU THAN IT IS ABOUT ANYONE ELSE. 3. BRING AUTHENTICITY, WHAT IS ALIVE AND FRESH BACK TO THE RELATIONSHIP. 4. TALK ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH YOUR PARTNER.

Excerpt from Conscious Living a story about how Gay dealt with sexual attraction towards another woman. From page 90 in Conscious Living.

***UPCOMING PODCAST TOPICS***

I would love your input! Please let me know what topics interest you the most by filling out this very easy survey. Also, feel free to include other topics that you would like to hear episodes on. Thank you!!!!! I appreciate you!!!!!

MENTIONED:

• ERP 104: How Can Infidelity Make Your Relationship Stronger? (podcast episode)
• ERP 105: How To Deal With Limerence In Relationship
• ERP 071: How To Use Sexual Energy To Improve Your Health & Relationship – With Sarina Stone (podcast episode)
• ERP 043: How To Transform Jealousy into Passion and Excitement (podcast episode)
• Conscious Living: Finding Joy in the Real World By Gay Hendricks (book)
• The Hendricks Institute (Gay's website)
• ERP 066: How to move out of criticism into love & appreciation With Kathlyn Hendricks (podcast episode)
• Intimacy & Desire By David Schnarch (book)

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 106: What To Do When You Are Attracted To Someone Else [Transcript]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

What is limerence?

Most people see limerence as infatuation, lovesickness or romantic love, while others think of it more as a love obsession or addiction.

Limerence is the "I need you, want you, can't live without you" feeling.

Limerence ...

LISTENER'S QUESTION:

"If you heard the story of my 18 year relationship, even you might be surprised Over the last couple of years we really tested the boundaries of us being together Now we are better , stronger , more intimate and communicative than ever before We both proclaim most every day how happy we are that we each stood for the relationship when the other faltered The harshest part we went through was my pulling away , near infidelity emotionally which caused me to questioned "us" and although that was short-lived , I did pull away for a couple of years emotionally and physically About the time I was coming back to wanting to repair he started talking to someone at work who pursued him He said he knew it the beginning she was nothing he wanted, but he was drawn in because she gave him what I was not ; attention. They had been talking a month already when I found out Once I found out he almost immediately tried to break it off with the other person but she kept drawing him back and for several months he felt like he was in a vortex of emotions I stood for us this time I listened to you and other podcasts and after a few months he made a clean break and we moved forward After 17 years together and me saying no to getting married , we got married He said it's what he wanted all these years So I would love to hear a podcast on infidelity, limerence and that it can be overcome Your relationship can be stronger and it can even be a wake up call It was a blessing in disguise for us I love your shows so much I feel like you are right here talking to me I listen to the ones that don't seem like they apply as I now know relationships are like a living entity and always changing I want to forever stay on top of my game I share the cliff notes with my hubby and they open up great conversations Thank you for this gift Love and light"

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.)

HOW TO SURVIVE INFIDELITY:

Infidelity undoubtedly puts a lot of strain on a relationship, but in some cases an affair can make your relationship stronger.

Experiencing a crisis period is normal:

• Feeling turmoil, rage, and great despair.
• Reeling with confusion and betrayal.
• Feels like an assault to the bond.
• Feels shattering to dreams, goals, and connection.

Previous trauma and other issues can make the dynamics more complicated.

• Previous affairs.
• Past traumas.
• Sexual addiction.
• Low self-worth and self-esteem.

Dealing with hard truths about self and relationship is necessary to move forward in a productive manner.

Affairs are often an alert that something isn't being dealt with within the relationship.

• Loss of attention to sexual connection and love life (i.e. "loss of "erotic tension").
• Couple has been in autopilot.
• Unspoken needs (sexual and emotional).
• Too much control and constriction (too many rules – can't do this, can't do that).
• Dissatisfaction.
• Hiding from each other.

Acknowledging choice points and decisions made will be important to confront, as the dishonesty and deception can be more disturbing than the actual sexual affair.

• Lies and deception.
• Denial, justification and rationalizations.
• Avoidance, fear and insecurities.
• Discontent, disconnect and pain.
• Unilateral decision making.

In order to make room for a stronger connection, partners need to be ready to be accountable and take ownership.

• Seek awareness, insight, and understanding about self and partner.
• Be really honest about your experience.
• Even if the meaning of the affair is fuzzy, try to be in the place of exploration.
• Being really honest and present creates an opening for connection.
• Breakdown for a break through.

Prioritize the goal of seeking to understanding.

• Create a space for an honest and safe dialogue. Regardless of your choice of how to move forward, you will get a lot more out of this approach then trying to attack or punish out of hurt and pain.
• Openness to asking and answering tough questions with truth.
• Clear the dishonesty. Perception checking (not feeling crazy or going off into fear based fantasies).
• Gain clarity.
• Having compassion and empathy for one another. Deep healing for pain and transgressions that occurred (i.e. "Sorry I ignored you." "Sorry I went else where.").
• Start to rebuild trust.

Being willing to tolerate uncertainty.

• Avoid premature decision-making.
• Have patience for the process.
• Resist the urge to take short cuts.
• Look at what is real and true. It can be incredibly revealing.

Develop shared meaning about the affair.

• What is true (i.e. about self and relationship)?
• What is the learning?
• What is the growth?
• Is there a new foundation to stand on?

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 104: How Can Infidelity Make Your Relationship Stronger? [Transcript]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER'S COMMENT:

"I've been listening to your podcasts for the past few weeks and I'd like to say thank you for the insight and information. Unfortunately it's too late to help in my current marriage, but it is very insightful. Coming from a family with parents that didn't show love to one another I never learned how to express it in a productive way. My wife recently filed for divorce and it has placed me in a state of shock. I've been reflecting on our relationship, going to therapy and attending AA to help through this rough time and realize how broken I am … Nevertheless I am hopeful that I can become a better person in the long run and express myself fully with all those I encounter and your words and guests keep me going. Your podcasts have taught me new skills and opened my eyes to the reality of how to build a strong productive relationship and they also help me get through the rough days. I hope that others will hear you before it's too late and work on developing themselves.

God bless you and once again, thank you from the bottom of my heart."

(PLEASE LISTEN TO THE PODCAST EPISODE OR READ THE TRANSCRIPT TO HEAR MORE EXPLANATIONS, STORIES AND EXAMPLES.)

In this podcast episode, I share quotes and excerpts from Intimate Relationship as a Spiritual Crucible, by John Welwood. I also discuss client stories that exemplify these concepts.

Here are a few from the show:

"While most people would like to have healthy, satisfying relationships in their lives, the truth is that everyone has a hard time with intimate partnerships." by John Welwood

"For one person to love another, this is the most difficult of all our tasks." by Rilke

"After numerous hardships and failures, many people have given up on intimate relationship, regarding the relational terrain as so fraught with romantic illusion and emotional hazards that it is no longer worth the energy." by John Welwood

"Although modern relationships are particularly challenging, their very difficulty presents a special arena for personal and spiritual growth." by John Welwood

"Yet opening to another also flushes to the surface all kinds of conditioned patterns and obstacles that tend to shut this connection down: our deepest wounds, our grasping and desperation, our worst fears, our mistrust, our rawest emotional trigger points." by John Welwood

"Many of us have a cartoon-like notion of relational bliss: that it should provide a steady state of security or solace that will save us from having to face the gritty, painful, difficult areas of life. We imagine that finding or marrying the right person will spare us from having to deal with such things as loneliness, disappointment, despair, terror, or disintegration. Yet anyone who has been married for a long time probably has some knowledge of the charnel ground quality of relationship" by John Welwood

"The problem with running away when a relationship becomes difficult is that we are also turning away from ourselves and our potential breakthroughs. Fleeing the raw, wounded places in ourselves because we don't think we can handle them is a form of self-rejection and self-abandonment that turns our feeling body into an abandoned, haunted house. The more we flee our shadowy places, the more they fester in the dark and the more haunted this house becomes. And the more haunted it becomes, the more it terrifies us. This is a vicious circle that keeps us cut off from and afraid of ourselves."

"One of the scariest places we encounter in relationship is a deep inner sense of unlove, where we don't know that we're truly lovable just for being who we are, where we feel deficient and don't know our value. This is the raw wound of the heart, where we're disconnected from our true nature, our inner perfection. Naturally we want to do everything we can to avoid this place, fix it, or neutralize it, so we'll never have to experience such pain again." by John Welwood

"In relationship, it is two partners' greater beings, gradually freeing themselves from the prison of conditioned patterns, that bring about this decisive defeat. And as this starts reverberating through their relationship, old expectations finally give way, old movies stop running, and a much larger acceptance than they believed possible can start opening up between them. As they become willing to face and embrace whatever stands between them—old relational wounds from the past, personal pathologies, difficulties hearing and understanding each other, different values and sensitivities—all in the name of loving and letting be, they are invited to "enter into reality." Then it becomes possible to start encountering each other nakedly, in the open field of nowness, fresh and unfabricated, the field of love forever vibrating with unimagined possibilities." by John Welwood

MENTIONED:

• Build Happy, Love Presentation (webinar replay link – expires 4/17/17)
• Relationship Map (opt-in download – you will want this for the webinar)
• Connected Couple Information page (only accepting 20 couples)
• Discount code: cc500w (expires 4/17/17)
• Intimate Relationship as a Spiritual Crucible

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 103: How Love Can Transform Us In Relationship [Transcript]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

In this episode, you will hear me share a personal story of dealing with continual roadblocks. I also offer 4 tips on how to deal with the experience of things not working out as planned.

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.)

HOW TO DEAL WITH THINGS NOT WORKING OUT

1. Understand that experiencing hardship is a normal part of living. There is nothing wrong with you.

2. Surrender the need to control the process. Accept the reality of what you are going through. The more we resist pain the more suffering we experience. Sometimes we need a breakdown to have a breakthrough.

3. Be present with what you are feeling. This is so hard when things are not going well. You may need time to reflect and connect with what you are feeling. You may need a good cry or an empathic ear from a trusted person. Take time to feel what is real.

4. Listen and be receptive. You may get a new insight or new perspective that feels like an opening to something new. Be open to your intuition, inner wisdom and guidance.

"The turning point at the crest is when you reach the most materialistic, extroverted view of life, when materialization is complete and we feel 'high' and successful. In physics terms, the wave has become a particle. The most challenging time may be when the wave turns at the trough – when you're bored, feel things fading, need space, and must release meaning and what's outmoded in order to return to Being. In studying physics, this is where the particle becomes the wave. Moving from the trough to crest seems like the fun part because it involves enthusiasm, motivation, and achieving goals. But releasing old forms, relaxing, dreaming of multiple imaginary realities, and rejuvenating ourselves are every bit as pleasurable. Chronic resistance to the turning points of wave can cause exaggerated dramatic shifts, such as crises and traumas." By Penney Peirce

MENTIONED:

• How To Build A Happy, Lasting Love – Webinar (webinar link)
• What To Do When Nothing Is Working Out By Ruth Lera (article)
• Frequency: The Power of Personal Vibration By Penney Peirce (book)
• Agape (website)
• Mary Morrissey (website)
• Glenwood Hot Springs (website)

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 102: What Do You Do When NOTHING Is Working Out? [Transcript]

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.