Golly. You sure do seem intolerant.
Are you sure you don't want a Peloton.
I want to live in a white neighborhood
I will not clam down. In this house, we abide by holy law!
I got distracted, this girl looks just like Edie Falco.
I realized how bizarre my creative process really was, in that days I would get the most work done musically, I became physically restful, and complacent, not worrying about the gym so much as the energy I would use rather towards the music I was making, or the over all lacsidasical approach I took to everything. Not being an entirely-perfect stepford- divorcee with a bleach clean everything in my median space, I realized it was almost a more natural kind of creature that created my music; one who ate and acted normally, and was overall less of an anally retentive bitch—not to say that my normal self was not an anally retire bitch, I was, but it was that my creative process seemed to require more normalcy and averageness; eating regularly,
The pages in my mind become phenomenon,
I almost bought the dream;
I don't know— these guys are like the ultimate fluffers…
MEAT CIRCUS. MEAT CIRCUS.
…did she light the candle?
SHE LIT THE CANDLE. SHE LIT THE CANDLE.
so then. How many of us are there.
Hey. Everybody sit the fuck down, right now.
Why are you really this short in person?
On God, because I'm really this short, irl.
Get over here for a second.
On my life, I'm like in Cancun right now, but—
I'll catch the next flight.
I thought about finagling a way to get into EDC for like 5 seconds before I remembered what it was,
And that it looks cool and all—
But sounds, generally like a total nightmare.
Not because it wouldn't be fun or anything- a
Haven't I been to edc more than 3 times already.
Goddamn, dude. That's a lot of magnets.
Man, what the fuck would even happen if I fuckin actually focused on this project
I don't know. I like, haven't focused on this project and it seems like, possibly, maybe I might have brokered some kind of deal that may or may not include Coca Cola and NBC.
This dude might be trying to rule the world.
All the dudes might be trying to rule the world, I think.
Well, what if we put them all in a group together or something
And maybe if they're not trying to kill each other, hey the end of of—
Altogether I give a total of actually zero fucks—
And at the end of the day,
How is that going to help achieve world peace, exactly.
Fuck around and find out.
A midlife crisis waiting to happen.
Don't worry, it's almost over.
No, the part before that.
I don't know, Patrick, seems like kind of a strange day to go jellyfishing.
This is the messiah speaking.
How may I direct your call?
Euh…probably not, but I can get you my mom.
(Not telephone voice—actually atrocious Boston accent)
Answer the phone. The phone is ringing! Why do you keep saying “bitch”?!
Cause that's a bitch ass telephone, bitch!
I know! And the first rule of improv is to not saying no, but I refuse to answer a telephone that just says “ring, ring”; that is not a realistic telephone, and so to that, I would just say—“bitch.”
That is not how improv works.
I'ma aim at your head; you technically lost the game already stopping the scene; you said “ring-ring” I said “bitch”; you lost already,
Just—if you're gonna be a phone, be a phone, but don't just say “ring-ring” like that
Take me all out of character and shit.
What character?! All you said is “bitch!”
And all you said was “ring-ring”, hoe—I ain't got time for this—
What phone says ring-ring?
Well at least we got past the 90's and were clearly into the early two thousands.
Who is that guy, anyway—?
Ah, are we bringing back the Italians?
I don't think they ever left, they've just been quiet.
AND chocolate cake! Goddamn. You'd better be crafting a goddamn symphony.
It's more of like a sonata.
Whatever! Just remember however far you get writing this album is how much more gym time it'll take to be taken seriously promoting it.
I'm already promoting it.
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA DAY.
Shut up; give me a house.
Downtempo makes me sleepy— but whatever, here.
All it took me was seeing Tiesto's ancient ass plastered all over the place in Brooklyn to realize I don't think it'll ever be “too late” to be a DJ and perhaps I could stand to focus on my other masteries.
Whatever. I want chocolate cake .
You are gonna get so fat.
So? So is she when she pops out three kids—
It sounds like shit in a fucking sandwhich.
Just remember tiestos wife is actually like a decade younger than you.
Great. I'm looking forward to all my favorite DJ's cradle robbing fashion week for this exact fucking reason.
Is that a dig on one of the most legendary dance music DJs of our time?
No, it's more of another pondering as to why I wasn't born a 9 foot tall porcelain skin blonde European looking model.
I must have done something wrong in a previous existence.
Have you tried paddle boarding?
If I start now, maybe by May I can be EDC fit.
What's the point of being EDC fit and not going to EDC?
Okay. I can get a peloton,
Which should it actually be?
What's the point of having a peloton
If you're not going to EDC.
Why bother going to EDC at all if you're not going to be mad ripped from riding a peloton all day in your apartment.
Suddenly, I was acting weird.
Well, weirder than usual. Suddenly, my mind was racing— I was running around my apartment frantically in a halter top that I was certain I looked fabulous in—
[looking at least kind of fabulous]
I'm getting to the age where I haven't quite given up,
But realizing I'm not going to be the ideal just kind of sits with me in little ways.
I haven't let go of myself, I'm not all the way giving up, but I'm more like, settled and secure with myself.
A little more self confident in knowing if I wanted just any old dude, I can go out and get one.
But I've been saving myself for someone really special.
And it's been years since I had sex.
I'm at the point where I can just keep waiting,
But sometimes I realize how long it's been,
For instance, when I'm shopping,
And I'm just kind of, looking around online
Figuring out exactly what I want—
And I'm scrolling, looking at all the selections
Like a French roll and I think to myself
I'm getting kind of turned on just looking at it, like
“Ooh, look at this baguette…
lol the fuck is wrong with you.
Honestly I'm just looking for vegan chocolate cake without having to make it.
…uhhh… kinda depends on who is “we”
But since I can hear you faintly in my head,
Suddenly, I had the feeling that I had written something recently that might at some point become important.
I like your five year plan.
What fucking five year plan.
The one from five years ago.
Let's make it an 8 year plan.
You mean 8 years from…from 5 years ago?
See, you are good at math.
Okay [chuckles awkwardly]
Man, why do like half the characters in this show look and sound like Dillon Francis.
Cause they're Dillon Francis.
I had also has realized at a certain point recently that I would probably never get married again, and in my own right had set out to be
Get out of here, Skrillex.
What in the fuck is with that dude.
What's wrong with him anyway.
Not oh well! Someone's definitely gonna be upset about his.
Probably! But that's an entirely seperate demographic.
We can't be concerned with that.
You don't know, maybe he's just in A k-hole!
Can you at least give me a hand with his legs.
How can he be taller than he looks on TV—
He hasn't even been dead long enough for that.
I know, he just wreaks, man.
Let's roll him into that tent over there.
Virtual Riot is about to start.
These aren't any ordinary wooks.
Oh, that headdress, though.
You remember the headdress!
I remember the everything,
I'm just— trying to forget.
Or at least—pretending to.
You remember David after the dentist?
[David after the dentist]
AAAAAGAAGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
Well, this is James after The Jam.
Mm. What kind Of Jam is this!
Happy accidents is getting weird. Man.
I just found this out, and I'm over the moon like exactic about this—
I just found out you can like, totally buy
Anyway, I found this out—
Because I found this bread I like
We are—making connections—
Anyway, I found this bread I like
And I love this place so much
That I begin buying this bread regularly—
I'm looking through all their breads in their bakery and I realize,
“Holy shit—they just have the most insane bakery, ever.”
Like all the breads are sounding phenomenal—
Most bread if it's real bread is vegan,
So I'm looking through the bread like,
“Holy shit, this all sounds fire—“
And when I like a place a lot—
Especially in New York, I get weird about it.
Like, I want to know the origins of the place.
History—cannabis—and bread,
lol. Nobody, obviously— if this is my life; but
I'm looking at all these breads,
All these artisanal, like—
And I start thinking to myself
So I start thinking about like the origins of this place—
You know like, historically—
Sometimes you find cool stuff out about a place Macy's or whatever,
Like the oldest surviving wooden escalator
Being at the flagship department store in midtown
So I go to look up this place—
I type this place into the search bar with absolutely no other specifications than I think,
And the first link that comes up
Is a fire sale of 5 pounds of “hemp flower”
But from the picture I can see that it's evidently really
So I look into this matter, and I investigate this link a little further to figure out—
And as it turns out, my suspicions are correct,
You can now obtain large quantities of marijuana
[Bookmark the page and shit.]
“Keep that in there for later…”
You know, just in case I ever have $2,200 dollars roughly of disposable income and ever feel like upstarting my very own drug enterprise…
But the drug enterprise I had in college was nothing like this—
Its the internet age now, buddy!
Wait, sorry— is the statute of limitations up yet?
Whatever. Leave no trace.
There—are bigger fish to fry.
But I'm still in love with you;
You might be far, but I'm still in love with you
You might do bad, but I'm still in love with you
You know I'm still in love with you
But I'm still in love with you;
You might be far, but I'm still in love with you
You might do bad, but I'm still in love with you
You know I'm still in love with you
(You know I'm still in love with you)
(You know I'm still in love with you
(You know I'm still in love with you)
I'm still in love with you—
You know I'm still in love with you.
Does lemon raspberry sound better or like,
You know I love a good lemon ice cream—
(You know Insomniac's making their rounds. )
Woah— hold up, what is this
Worthwhile investment, perhaps
Take a look at this young buck, they said.
Turns out, the jokes on me.
Me, and all my old friends
To laugh with one another
We all talk of old reunion.
I don't give a fuck about your ice cream!
I don't give a fuck about ice cream!
You know, it's like one door opens—
But whatever fucking weird drone robots
They're probably paying to just come in one door
Whatever's disturbing me;
Will eventually disturb them—
In the same annoying way.
So one day somebody wakes up and writes an anthology saga about you.
It's not about you, it's about me—
And that's probably what happened anyway—is what I'm thinking—and either way, I'm just the protagonist of that series, anyway.
That's—logical, I'm thinking.
Man. It feels so good to just sit in silence.
Whatever. Abusive relationships suck.
My version of our kid is hands down way better then your version of our kid.
Let's get down to the nitti grotti of things here.
But that's when Tranwrexk is playing.
Who the fuck is teaintwrext.
Okay, so I'm obviously like, not going to forget the lady beating the shit out of her dog at the Trader Joe's—
But I think maybe even the best part about it was the fact that it was like, a pug.
I'm not really ready to go out in public or anything-1
I'm like traumatized by the disparity of the human race, or whatever.
But shout out to the lady beating the shit out of her dog at the Trader Joe's.
I don't know what he did.
But if you're gonna beat your pug at the Trader Joe's, he probably deserved it.
This is what you get for leaving a puddle in produce section!
What else are you gonna name a purebred pug that you take everywhere with you—
We thought he was a puggle but it turns out he was a purebreed and we just got so lucky!
He gets nervous around people—
Sometimes especially at the Trader Joe's
On another note why am I just not automatically genetically built like a 6'5 Scandinavian chick.
Like, it's cool my legs don't grow any hair at all, but goddamnit
I would rather walk fashion week and just—
Automatically never be hungry.
Imagine giving birth to a supermodel baby and just
Baby's like yeah— put me on the treadmill for an hour, would you?
I gotta go fast-crawl this all off.
Breastmilk, whew. Heavy shit.
Just set the incline to all the way up, alright—
And make sure I turn up the propane pig to high volume
I want to make sure I'm deaf in one ear
And only have one brain cell
I don't want them to think I talk to much.
“Um, okay— are you sure you don't just want like, more breastmilk”
“No ma, put me on the treadmill and shut the fuck yo you fat cow!”
Some kids are just born destined to be— whatever— you know?
I was destined to like food, but be pretty much allergic to it—
Pretty much allergic to all of it.
Not in the typical sense of like having a food allergy—
Not getting hives or anything
Prone to max weight gain after minimal, regular fucking eating—
And maximum effort in the gym just equals
The excess fat will just sit on top of
So that's two waist trainers
Oh my God, what if he's actually 6'3?
You have a nice double chin.
Thanks, I got it myself Liz
The comics of late night tv roast each other l
HOw many jokes do I need?
Let's start with the favorite
Jimmy Fallon looks constpated.
Every time I see that dude, I'm like—
Why do you look like the off brand version of Justin long?
What's up with your cheeks, bro?
Jay Leno is like God's version of a live action caricature.
Kimmel— what kind of bird are you?
I've heard exchanging insults is like foreplay for comedians; now I'm genuinely starting to wonder how many of these specials have turned over into orgies.
I always had a special feeling about Justin Bieber and Martha Stewart.
I'm pretty sure we all did.
And daddy hated broken glass
I drink out of broken bottles
Clasps slip from the hands
you're too fucking tall, anyway.
The only person who's actually bigger than they look on TV
Stay the fuck over there yeo ming.
Who drew you, Disney/Pixar?
How do you be in a photo from head to toe;
full body in the frame and still not be in the picture?
Oh look. It's everyone's favorite blow up doll.
WHO TF DID UR DAD KILL IN NAM?
You seem like that kid that used to walk up on his tiiiy toes and shit.
That kid that used to walk up—
Devil can't catch me if I don't sit still
I jus got. Photo shoot coming up
Try hard see the light, go
Go now, my time has come m
It's time now for me to depart, my dear Ishii.
Because, my boy—the time has come
Time not what is! Time be us, you and I!
And as we are, my dear boy. I must go.
Time nothing but mind is you and I…
Ishii begins to cry softly, and then weep.
To weep, I wake, the tire of tale
And yet the sun was in my heart,
Yet not in my mind as the sky,
And not in the time as the wind, and still, mi follow to love again I always call,
And there, the wind where wind does lie,
Not I, awake, but I instead as Sunset
Again as time had sat upon my should
The still be wind has shattered my love
And in heart lives in such such dusk
The vow dost took is not aligned—
There I was, the call of once
The statuesque and haunting
Bleeding dry the river's way
And almost as such there though of tears
With yet had formed all shallow, and none
The call of ways I mask misfortunes,
There does bear a truth to the tree which bears fruit
And give way to time, I am as oceans,
Still as steady water's sky, and come what may
Wax does melt but has not burned,
As shadowtimes had set upon us,
There, the call was made, and yes
The wind had sat upon the waking dawn of eye
And there, again the warrior ready for none other than the song of I,
The cry of war, does wait unsettled in her wailing
To have walked among the living and yet are dead— still you, waiting in quarry,
As though now dost lie slain.
Seeing now how such has i,
Have passed and still yet waiting in how l
This fucker just won't die!
I knew I just have been getting somewhat important
I figured this out when they started having people show up after I get to the gym.
I knew they were all the same like people, cause for the the most part, they weren't working out, they would just like, align themselves with me, do a few pumps and then do whatever on their phones
This one dude came in, and I was already sick of being followed
Hadn't been to the gym in a few days cause these people just fucking bother me.
Just fucking blows my mind how stupid people are—
And I realized something really wrong with people.
Like people are really fucked up inthe head, so,
This is what I did, when I realized, they weren't going to stop fucking with me in a certain way,
I started fucking with them back.
I went upstairs to work out, started doing circuits.
Did some pumps up stairs,
Run the stairs like laps,
Treadmill, then another circuit—
And I knew whoever was sending these people
We're focused on fucking me up;
Cause the people they sent were always like—
I knew it was some high level programming;
They would send like a pretty girl with long hair
Or some fat ugly dude who looked like my ex husband,
And they wouldn't workout much, they would just like, fuck around, then hit the phone—
And I realized people were really fucking sick In the head, when I realized,
After I psyched the fuck out of this fat dude
Just fucking running circles around him and shit,
Lifting more than he was struggling to fucking lift
This dude is all upper body
And I realized how sick people were when he goes up stairs
And this is how else I know people are fucking with me
They'll always get on the phone,
And use their phones as intimidation and shit
“Hi, yeah, yeah— I'm checking in. I'm a pussy ass robot and shit. Okay. Bye now. Wait—did you hit my cashapp yet? Okay thanks”
How you know it's like an app or some shit.
But I could tell they were sick and I was somewhere in my way to wellness when, the dude left, then goes upstairs and gets on the phone, and I'm still downstairs and I'm like
“Okay, since they're gonna keep fucking with me—when is the end of this album?”
I went to check and I knew the album was an hour long—
And I look and the album is on the last track and I thought to myself
“I haven't touched my phone in at least an hour…”
This dude has been in the gym for half the time and has almost not been off the phone
He was on the phone more than working out
And that's when I realized,
Whether I skip a few days at the gym or not
Whether I do what everybody else is doing or not
He was in the gym maybe a half hour or less
And between every single set, he's on the phone
Just like all of the other people who seemed to have been following me—
That maybe they weren't even following me on purpose.
Maybe they were being remotely sent in my direction somehow with their phones, without their intention or knowing.
And I knew the world had changed in a way that could possibly become dangerous, after being told for x amount of years we needed a SIM card,
I've had my phone for almost 5 years, same model;
up until now we “needed” a simcard—
Now all of a sudden they're letting us know in one way or another
“Hey, no we've always been able to remote control your phone”
They've inteoduced the “e sim” which is their subtle way of letting you know
They've always been able to turn on your phone signal
Without you even knowing.
Now they're selling you this technology
“Oh, you don't need a sim—e sim”
I looked, I didn't think my phone would be clmpatible
“Oh no—it's compatible! Congratulations”
Which means even 5 years ago before this technology became consumer,
They had the ability to open your phone make calls texts and connect to a network
They're just now letting you know
This has been around for at least a decade
And now they're selling it to you.
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