Oops, I Did It Again - Britney Spears
[There are no pants involved.]
This is the movie before season 10
[Cofee is being enjoyed.]
I want to go on high concept adventures through space and time.
[There are still no pants involved.]
What are you, Ryan Reynolds?
Let's just say I put in my time.
—and until the seething, burning hate in your eyes returns, this conversation is over.
So that's what strike force 5 does.
Well then, this conversation is still over—because I have better shit to do.
Getting awesome parts in awesome movies for our friends—yes. Strike force 5–no.
Shouldn't matter—okay— just— do the bit.
Multiple actual actors are stuck in the actual world of Sesame Street, which—
Admittedly, this is okay.
—seems awesome at first, but after awhile…
Ok. This [censored] gets deep.
Not that bit! The other bit.
I can't do that bit right now.
Because, I'm not wearing pants.
FUCK YOU RYAN REYNOLDS, GODDAMMIT.
If I was a horse, I'd kick you in the face.
Shit, if you were a horse, I'd kick you.
And I love fucking horses.
You love fucking horses?!
You know what? I still might.
Get over behind me and a little lower to the ground.
I'm still holding in a fart.
Meet me at the four seasons.
Because, global warming is a bitch and I want to take ironic memory photos for momentos.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?
You smell like baggage and unpaid debt.
The Cosmic Avenger takes off his wedding band to prepare to fight; He places it on the table, and it begins to glow and float, growing as it begins to levitate and gravitate towards his opponent, [a mysterious multidimensional alien], who stands undefeated. The ring swells to the size of a large golden halo, sitting itself atop the head of his opponent, and though momentarily caught in the midsts of being in awe, the halo drops over his opponents head and onto their shoulders, tightening into a collar around their neck—beams of light attach to the collar like chained leashes and seven dieties drag his opponent away.
The Cosmic Avenger stands in confusion, before asking,
Ultralight beam>< oops I did it again.
But play the video, right?
(Courtesy of Jesus Christ The Savior, Inc.)
This memo says I'm starting opposite Ryan Reynolds in an upcoming action and adventure flick.
I can't star opposite Ryan Reynolds.
So I was listening to Kanye Weat*
I was listening to Kanye West, and he's talking about cheating on Kim, Like, out loud—
And I get dumb curious, so I ask Google
Google, why are dudes so obsessed with models—
I typed that in and hit search, and the whole thing just freezes.
Even Google doesn't have a fucking answer for the intrinsic stupidity that is the hardwiring of the modern man.
You ever look at like Greek sculptures, or Roman Arcitecture and realize the women aren't fucking twigs?
They're like muscular, and thick, and mad healthy looking.
That at one point men were wired to be attracted to healthy looking women—
But now the ideal for perfection is like 110 lbs and if you're anywhere between 5'1 and 5'11 that's ideal.
So you're just trying to like, put your dick through the bitch!?
I can actually see my 5 inch penis on the other side of this woman as I penetrate her.
Meet me at Equinox; The Hudson Yards Location- 7:05 Sharp.
EQUINOX FITNESS. HUDSON YARDS. NEW YORK CITY. DAY
Not this side, that side.
This is the fitness section.
We're going to the hotel.
You ever been to pound town?
Weather's great right now.
I ain't going outside now,
I got a new strike force,
Don't shout out to Jimmy, no
He back to back too many hooooeeess—
You know I'm talkin bout his show
Go stream Tonight though.
Ben and Jerry's tonight doe.
Ryan Reynolds is the devil.
Great, so is he through with Jimmy Fallon then?
That's great, I gotta go rehearse these lines.
Okay, but following up on before.
THE COMIC AGENGER does not need an evil laugh.
Look, I just found out that dude's evil laugh is actually just…his regular laugh.
Have you ever heard Jimmy Fallon laugh?
[JIMMY FALLON's actual laugh is terryfying and meniacal. ]
I'll have all of you I'll ever need with AI.
[Squirts soy sauce into Jimmy Fallon's squinty ass eyes.]
I'm not squinting! These are just my eyes!
You're officially a literary genius.
What are you going to do with that?
The entirety of the world of LEGENDS and enter the multiverse becomes a backdrop for Jimmy Kimmel's Latest Late Late Show
Is that what it's called?
He acts throughout the season as a literal comic relief, almost always only arriving as disaster and despair have stricken, and at the absolutely worst possible moment—
Your squinty eyes. *also squints*
WHY ARE YOU STILL CENSORED?!
Didn't they fire you from NBC?
I'M CENSORED IN ANYTHING THAT MIGHT BE LATER SYNDICATED— [FUCK] (but censored)
Is that what you're squinting at?!
ITS IN MY CONTRACT, I AM NOT SQUINTING THESE ARE MY ACTUAL EYES.
Fuck you, Jimmy. If I thought you had balls, I'd kick you in them right now.
YOURE JUST MAKING IT WORSE.
Do you want any soy sauce in your noodles?
This is classic ritual torture.
You hush, too Billie— I need you to coconut oil the cornbread.
I didn't hear any complaints when I went over today's menu earlier while you two were at karaoke, almost getting along just fine.
CUT TO: FLASHBACK, EARLIER
I'm making noodles with cornbread, any suggestions.
[standing in the doorway awkwardly with a spatula]
Oh, I get it— G stands for
Flashback within a flashback:
I'm not calling you that.
Why not? That's what you've been calling me for decades— now that I'm in a person, it makes any difference?
It's my eyes. Something's — different.
Oh, it's nothing— just the very slightest more blue.
You'll mark the hour at which it begins,
A solemn sustained and prolonged note
Which cherishes your argument,
That all art must come undone,
Or have you named your honored hut—?
The gathering of all bound by the Gods
Who are astounded at our haste making!
To tide and fare not my good;
Fare not my brethren, come cut to fire;
In aught to honor thy shallow grazing,
And there, the art had sunk,
Though weeping cottons in the Weat,
For fortune, to arch, ire.
For certain, and for gathered have you waiting—
Crisp air and our attire, to call tonight,
The very moon to whom the stars melt,
Though pacing off and appearing as none but small like,
Off in the thunderous wonders of us,
Another path which light,
And faring great to those requested our service,
Bone marrow, and silk wi‘d blood
Forsaken, as all have heard by now,
Enchantments and forced sermons,
And with wit does honor I,
Present but here not yet,
The after wish of heart, you I
Still dark the womb of haven't made,
‘Are I not of my father and mother,
To honor once at dusk, my own coming as one
And at dawn, my own night in the wake in death of days,
Sure to end for not I wake, as fair health does hold
My farewells and yonder says,
[The chorus cheers with great elation.]
Who the fuck ordered Greek Theatre cold opens?
Jesus Christ, party of 1.
I don't know. ♀️ I was fasting.
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