It had been raining for nearly two weeks straight, besides for one day, during which I slept through its entirety; I had not been so seriously, physically ill in years— the combination of undue stress from the job I mostly hated, the crippling depression of working full time and still never having enough money for anything, and sharing my living space with 3 other, typically irritating, messy people with seemingly no home training—or perhaps, as I was learning—a common low standard of cleanliness was almost guaranteed amongst any group of people, but especially men; and I was growing to hate and resent men more and more (not that I fancied women any better, but at least respected them for being women.)
I hated everyone now, but especially myself— the grand illusion of success had been shattered living amongst the lower drudges of society too long, and working too hard—not that anyone else wasn't—in fact, my coworkers were all tired, overworked, and miserable in some way, which empathically aligned with the way I had been feeling—absorbing every toxic thing that happened into my perception for whatever reason and twisting my world into a hellish nightmare once more; at least I was willing to admit it was partly my fault; I had given up on all of my dreams, just about—abandoning them in exchange for hopes of finally having my own apartment. I just wanted to cook again—to walk around perhaps in the nude, to workout regularly enough that I felt like a human, rather than a ticking time bomb—-and I was, a ticking time bomb—forced to believe in time by the simple notion of clocking in and clocking out just to be able to afford my humanity.
It was clear that it wasn't only a homelessness crisis; there seemed to be an honest-to-God race war, blacks littered all over the streets and those of us with any energy left being depleted of it in the trade of modern slavery—most others turning to side hustles, filling in the deficit of the cost of living by selling drugs, or pussy—both of which, by now, I was sure I had no talent for.
In fact, I wasn't sure if I had any talent at all; my mantras sank into unrecognizable, unbelievable chatter in the back of my mind, which seemed more delusional than doable—I hadn't stepped foot inside a gym, even for a moment since the new year; I only felt like crying, trying to either figure out a palpable plan for suicide or escape, and though things still seemed to strangely add up, I was still out of sorts and malaligned; I was willing to admit for the first time in years that I actually needed love, rather than just wanted it—and yet the reigning white supremacy seemed to take pride and joy in knowing I'd rather die alone than to set my standards any lower—with my own circumstances too out of range for any one decent to actually consider.
I wasn't myself—in fact, I was a little bit of every single person I had been forced to be around, for the worse or for the better, and nothing at all was benefiting me besides the sleep that so easily came after sunrise, even on my nights off—Fridays and Saturday's, which I might have enjoyed, or somehow found a way to work myself into the Los Ángeles DJ circuit, which seemed, again, out of my reach and even tinged with an ever slight hint ot racism as well.
A friend of a friend of a friend of Pasquale Rotella, no coincidence, had happened into my midsts by way of joining the night crew at DTLA smoke shop, which ran about 5 other stores in within a one-mile radius of each other and scattered it's ten or so employees, including myself across the locations to fulfill the needs of the business, of course, for a humble 17.00 an hour, placing us all exactly on the poverty line and well-below a living wage, which I had dermined did not exist anywhere in the United States anymore.
I wanted more than anything to leave, but knowing that if I did leave LA again, I would probably never come back; I felt disturbed and disgusted by the lack of humanity in the city alone, but all knowing full well that the globalist state had altered even Mexico to its standards, and Mexico, being as honest as ever, even to former residents—and especially myself, after being accustomed again to climate control and flushing toilets—was pretty crappy.
My stomach pains had crippled me for the last two days, and with the amount of stress and pressure building up I had nothing good left to give the world. At all.
Strikingly suicidal, I wanted nothing to do with the with the world around me at all—I wasn't in the right place, I thought, or the right mindset; I had lost all but my last bit of strength and the energy it took to push forward, somehow, still, though, getting out of bed on time and to work early or just on time, but only because my space in a clean warm bed depended on it—just like anyone else in the city.
I was fed up with men, women, and only really ever took pure joy in dogs and children; again, at a breaking point, combing the streets for glass to slit my wrists and rest peacefully, wondering how long it would take anybody in LA to notice I was dead and not just another black woman slewn across the streets to sleep in filth (probably awhile), as sometimes the homeless smelled dead and acted like it, too, which seemed enough of a red flag at the time to speak for the white supremacy's outright hatred for people of color; it wasn't simply a homelessness crisis, income inequality, drugs, or mental health; it was a targeted gentrification as it had always been, by the same proprietors: who brought the ancestors of the modern day African Americans overseas to work, in the midsts of slaughtering the ancestors of the modern day native Americans; and there wasn't a thing you could do to convince me that Beverlywood Becky worked just as hard as anyone else did, as she complained daily over her oat milk latte of HOW HARD THINGS ARE, boasting about the cash and prizes she swept up over the holiday season from mommy, daddy, and family galore, and just looking for “the other flavor Elfbar”
‘Excuse me, while I try not to vomit and wonder what the fuck a Christmas stocking is, while trying to be as invisible to white people as we are to them'
What the Fuck is a family;
Hang me from a tree and cut some turkey
It's too early for this shit
This lady smells like pee
And wants me to buy her something
But yo, I'm homeless, too—
But this is what I go through for it:
But don't fuck the government;
They're already trying to kill us over nothing
No political ambitions, actually
I just want to disappear from this
Don't have the energy to work 2 jobs,
I need to eat more super greens,
I might just be a vegetarian,
Not a vegan, I've been thinking
(It's just not there anymore)
It's crazy how debilitating
Telepathy and empathy can be
Just free from human beings,
8 billion and counting, damn
Your racist grampa's still alive, (and voting)
And employers just don't care,
They're somewhere enjoying
Self employment, and business ownership
I wish my dad hadn't talked my mom out of the abortion,
I'd have more fun never being born
But they say,” you are the world, “
And not some lucky Caucasian
With parents who inherited greatness
(Or worked harder, in another generation)
All my parents ever did was
Mothsfuckinin genius you could call me Jimmy neutron
No, I'm black, so I gotta be a rapper.
No, that's not how that works.
Not everything is black and white;
I just keep writing, day and night
I want to blow my brains out,
And my heart is turned to ice,
If Jesus Christ ever arrives,
I really doubt it would be nice.
Alright. Back to the 9-5s
I can't smoke crack, but meth sounds nice
If it'll help me stay alive
And pay my bills on time.
I might be living just the same in any city,
Just remember to remember
When shit gets interesting,
(I pick up every penny, every penny)
We need a cosmic sorcerer!
There's only one person in the universe who specializes in cosmic soecery!
I must be a writer or something.
Cause I'd have to be skinny and I really like croissants in the morning.
Idk. We're in a matrix simulation thingy.
Excuse me, do you know how to exit The Scope and The Dome?
I mean—ahem—The Artificial Intelligence Simulation?
“JIMMY FALLON: THE COSMIC AVENGER@
Nothing about Jimmy Fallon makes sense.
It's time for Whole Foods pizza and Rick and Morty.
This shit don't look right,
I blew through you like cool ice,
It's not nice, it's just life
I roll dice, roll dice like:
“Seven twice, seven twice”
Not mentally, but physically—
A different spirituality,
Reality is everything I see,
Employee bonuses and royalties,
I'm royally offended, with these boys
Use your girlfriend's Apple Pay,
I'm happy if you're happy—
Just don't pass me in the street,
Cause you're a chicken nugget.
I got your sauce, right here
But you can spend the night here,
This shit ain't right here,
They call me “Kike” here,
The rock meets the kite, here,
And I'm just tying it together,
And so you're always here,
Got your mark right there,
And so you're right there,
Someone's always coughing,
Feeling a bit better tonight,
And I'm fighting my wrongs,
Black eye, on a black girl,
Two truths, for the liar,
Sometimes, the sun shines here,
Sometimes, toilet paper in short supply here
Sometimes I'm the man of the hour,
I'm fact, I am leaving tomorrow,
Come closer, you fuckin poser
Some yoga poses on a poster,
I'm not tryin to be your person,
I'm not even worth a purse,
Ain't no last nail in the coffin
But I'd rather play guitar,
“She don't even call no more”
“She don't even call no more
“She don't even call no more”
Were you hoping for an encore?
Clearly, the end is near,
I never needed her more than now
I never needed him, but now
All I really want is my guitar back
I don't want to be a star, I'm past that
I don't really see Annie anymore,
Don't you come close to me
Don't dance so close to me—
I know you're just an actor,
Gotta count my fractions,
Man, it's just a fracture,
This stupid unusual gloom
Turns to fusions and tunes
I need fumes just to do this
I'm just getting used here
But I was just getting used to it
If pickle Rick gets this,
To scribble my Skrillex in
Still getting mentions in my shit,
I'm a menchies doing crunches
The hotmixx is awfully SUPACREE
And noone's hiring a minor,
Archie Bunker's high and I'm in pieces
[Sunni Blū throws an entire Television set out of the 30th floor window]
*picture*picture*picture*
THIS JUST IN! SUNNI BLŪ THROWS VINTAGE TELEVISION SET OUT OF THEIR APARTMENT WINDOW
SUNNI BLŪ: GUYRL GONE MAD
You paid $50,000 for that TV.
I DONT GIVE A FUCK, MORGAN:
I PAID $50,000 for SOME DUDE'S LEFT NUT—
—AND WHAT DID I GET? THE RIGHT ONE.
[MORGAN jumps out of the window]
Woah. That's never happened before.
[SUPACREE catches MORGAN midair, cape, flying into the window one story below.]
YOU HAVE GOT TO STOP HER!
—stop yelling at me in my office—
You just killed me; in a drive by—
Don't mind my eyes, miss,
Must be the end of mh life, life, life
Always right in front of me,
And I'm always falling behind, hind, hind
I know we don't talk no more,
Every other song's about you,
And I really don't open doors,
But I sure know how to close em,
I'll never be quite ready for my close up,
Should probably put my phone up,
But you know, you know, you know
You know, you know, you know
So you're never gonna show up,
So I'm never gonna blow up,
And I should probably go,
(Blow a kiss through the window, before it fogs up)
I owe it to you, this one
(It's a real long road, and I don't know where it goes)
It's not All lonely, and hopeless
I'll spend it on something I love,
So you're never gonna show up,
So I'm never gonna blow up,
And I should probably go,
Blast from the blast, man,
On your candid ass camera
‘You have to spend it on something you love.'
I had been wondering what it could be that I loved so much that I would actually spend them on, the 24-color coded Jimmy Fallons I had collected—each of them my last dollar at some point, and never spent, as a token of faith — some dumb kind of ritual I had begun with no true intention of anything at all, and without an explanation to even myself as of why. I had entirely abandoned Jimmy Fallon's galaxy; actually, I had abandoned all of my creations almost entirely, and though I continued to write, at least most of the time…
‘Fuck, they forgot my tater tots. ‘
I didn't really need them, but paid the extra $4.50 anyhow, as it was almost magical that my burrito and smoothie (considerably, or so, I thought, with the tater tots) had come to $24 — the exact amount of Jimmy Fallon's I had collected in the months I had been in Los Angeles—not that I wasn't growing a bit tired and weary of the place, however, nor could I afford to do anything else, really—or go anywhere that I actually wanted to.
I really did love tater tots—and had been craving them ferociously, as the Whole Foods Market had so conveniently stopped making them in the mornings, just as I had run out of the time and energy to show up at the gym as regularly as I wanted or needed. Still, as I planned the following week's fast, I dreamed of my return to Equinox; and somewhat of a return to the normalcy I had built for myself—and though I would never quite be as dazzlingly thin or attractive as Kayla Lauren, I'd at least be closer to my own self—whoever that was,
— in the body I was given to work with—or work for; its high maintenance, a handicap well enough worth having—at least, if It meant I might one day be loved again.
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