An “influencer” with 12 million followers is warning people that on August 12th, 2026, gravity will pause for 7.3 seconds. NASA's been hiding it. You, your cat, and your car will hover in the air before slamming back to earth in a symphony of shattered spines and dead pets. Forty million casualties, minimum. David and Brad take this opportunity to perform an autopsy on American intelligence, explaining why a third-grade understanding of physics should've prevented this panic, why social media has turned millions of brains into cottage cheese, and why anyone who believes this deserves to float away permanently. Also: Minneapolis protesters storm a church service, Virginia's new governor speed-runs the state's collapse with a legislative blitz, and South Carolina's Milkman continues his reign of dairy-based terror. If you still think you may need to bolt your couch to the floor, please seek help immediately.