Breaking news: apparently we’re now expected to tip DJs like they just performed open-heart surgery. Also, Jai? Still a world-class D-bag—some traditions never die.

In other terrifying updates, there’s allegedly some aggressive, headline-grabbing “ass-eating bacteria” sweeping the nation (who approved this naming, honestly?), so maybe just… sit carefully.

And if you’re trying to keep your relationship alive, experts everywhere are now recommending the mysterious “6–7 method.” No one knows what it is, but it sounds important, so you better start doing it immediately.

PLUS MUCH MORE! (Because things clearly weren’t chaotic enough already.)