August 10, 2023

Episode 407: Baldur's Gate 3

1 hour 7 minutes

You enter a dark cave. At the end of the shadowy tunnel sit three figures, hunched over and chattering. Their teeth gnash back and forth as they talk to each other in some garbled, hideous dialect. *Perception check successful* They are speaking with Australian accents, harsh and abrasive. You slowly approach, and realise that they are talking about video games. Specifically, they are talking about the new Red Dead Redemption releases, expensive Ninja Turtles outfits, and something called "Baldur's Gate 3". You draw your sword. *Dexterity check failed* The three figures dodge your attacks almost effortlessly. You realise that these monsters are the loathsome Podcaster beasts you have read about in tomes of old, but believed to have been long extinct after the TikTok wars. They dart back and forth, mocking you as you swing your blade. "The pen is actually mightier than the sword!", they taunt, as though their scribbled descriptions on the cave walls, summaries of what they had talked about that week, could be considered true writing. An insult to the art, you think, as you finally strike a blow on the largest one's head. "My only regret...is not playing more video games..." he stammers, his dying words fittingly pathetic. The other two skitter away, and you collect your spoils. A 64 gigabyte SD card, three microphones of different brands each, and a Zoom H6 recorder with the battery cover missing. Little do you realise, these objects are cursed. As you exit the cave and blink in the returning light, you speak for the first time the words which these enchanted objects have doomed you to repeat for the remainder of your earthly existence: "thanks for listening, and please subscribe to our Patreon."

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