E.T.B.R.

I’m going to start all over, this year I’ve been too nice to point where I let everyone walk all over me. Putting the dark shit I had to go through first, before I put out the healed version of me. I waited for you to finish, but now I got my headphones on and I can’t hear what you said. If you don’t like what I say, don’t ask for my opinion, I will be straight and straightforward to the point. Next year will be more of tropical era. I used to be someone who had to hide my feelings just keep the peace. No more keeping the peace, because all it got me was getting hurt even more. I would apologize even when I know I didn’t do nothing wrong. I hate compliments, because I always had targets on my back. No matter what I did, I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. I’m living on my own terms, no more people pleasing or feeling useless. I found peace with speaking my mind, being blunt and straightforward. If you don’t like it not my problem or issue. There is door, you can leave, I’ll open the door. I’ve made my mistakes, but half the shit I went through I didn’t deserve. You won’t change me or blame me for your own actions either. You live and learn, but you also learn to forgive yourself as well. Next year will be a brand new me, no longer holding back or caring. Since no one cared when I was being walked over.

Having two people in your life sick with no cure. It could be your brother or father. The news gets even harder to bear or accept. I see right through me because at every angle I feel like I’m being attacked in my life. I can’t catch a break or be able to catch my breath. Even through my own health battles I can’t understand why I have to go through all of this? When people around me seem calm, even though it may seem calm on the outside it usually means there is a war going on inside. I will get through this because I have God. I see right through me knowing that this season I am in, my old self is fading away. This year I realized all the situations I went through, I learned my lessons, but I also realized that God was removing my old self and transitioning me to my new self. A stronger and wise self who will still hurt and have pain, but will be wiser. 

Putting my heart first, the spring time the beginning of a new chapter of life. Twenty-six, the year of the snake, being an Aquarius we don’t forget nothing. The glow up, the turn of a page. Different perspective a different view of life. Once the most difficult parts of life, became the most beautiful parts of life. Coconut perfume, a beach sunset, the rest is history. Earbuds on, sunglasses on and letting the world inspiring me, from different genres. Finally moving on from your past, a new sense of being whole. A whole new meaning of what it means to be healed. Different colors that describes this new part of life would be light blue or pink. The sunset of wonderful colors, you finally made it and did what you set out to accomplish and more. Finding your ray of sunshine can be hard to find, in the world today. Life will bring you down, people will try to quiet you, while critiquing you. Keep finding that ray of sunshine, don't let anyone tell you differently. Keeping shining, keep using your voice, keep standing up for what is right and don't let nothing change you. Finding the ray of sunshine, is finding peace with yourself and the mistakes you made past and present. You have purpose and don't let nothing change that. HEARTFIRST is finding your smile, and continuing to shine when the world around you wants to dim your light.

Everyone thinks you're an angel while covering yourself with a mask. Pretending to be someone you're not or pretending to be a good person when underneath you are cruel. Everyone has a different version of you, but every one that is close to you doesn't know the dark side of you. They say that can't be you or you are lying, even with the evidence in front of them they are still in denial. Denial will only make you an idiot and stupid. I know you love them and want what is best for them, but eventually, you will have to face the truth. That the person you knew wasn't all that it seemed.

Going behind someone’s back and sharing confidential information to have the person you spoke to file a complaint against them. Being fired and replacing a whole management team because of lies, was it really worth it? Breaking a friendship, pretending working together was good until you turned into someone who wanted to hurt the other person. What did that get you in the end? What it cost me was nothing, but it cost you everything. It’s always better to stay humble then arrogant. Trying to be everyone’s friend doesn’t get you anywhere, except in hot water. All those people you were friends with, who you spoke trash about me behind my back. It cost you and all your friends their job and reputation. Being honest and truthful in the first place would have saved you, but you chose to lay everything down.

The lighting strikes, the longest car ride, the poetry of my heart. From every fear, to one day hoping I would be heard. The one caught in the storm, was the one who stayed in their comfort zone. To the one who risked it all to be where they are. The one who had big dreams, to one who would give everything just to make it. Now the one is who was caught in the storm, used the storm as fuel. This fuel raged on, like the anger inside that once was held in, was finally let go. 

When someone is envious they can no longer hide it. I can't relate to desperation. A kid who never grew up, a grown adult who acts like a kid. An adult who throws tantrums when they don't get their way. Blaming others for your problems, saying you're not about drama, but your DNA was built on drama. A grown adult twice my age can't even keep their anger in or act like an adult. Can't even handle the stress and make the environment miserable to work in. You are only dragging yourself down and burning every bridge. Having the mindset that you are above the law or no one can go after you. You were wrong, your narcissism and ego will catch up to you. Once you lose your job, it's not on me. Of course, you will blame one because it's easier than to admit your mistakes. How well is that working out for you?

I don’t look at the new year, as just a new chapter, but finally letting go of what hurt me. Knowing I’m not second best, staying when I should have left. Not asking anyone for anything or simply to see anyone either. For years I was called heartless as well as selfish, when I gave everything. You call it forgetful, I call it forgiveness. This year I’m forgiving myself, and not asking anything from anyone anymore. No more waiting hours, days for a response. No more being stood up, lied to or giving second chances. I am done with all of it. 

August is one of the most difficult months for me, my grandfather passed away August 23rd, 2019. From the start of August and  now it’s almost the end of August. August slipped away without a hello or goodbye. Twenty-three was significant for me because I lost my grandfather on the twenty-third, but when I turned twenty-three I lost my grandmother and a close friend as well. Twenty-three will be forever a memory to me, while August will be a month I will cherish, just like April. The twenty-four and twenty-eight will be two days I cherish as well. It’s interesting how numbers from before give you another meaning in life. The twenty-eighth of February my husband and I got married, The twenty-eighth of April I lost a close friend of mine. The twenty-third of January is my birthday, but the twenty-third of August is when I lost my grandfather. Like January twenty-fifth is my grandfather's birthday and I am twenty-five years old. It’s cool how numbers can have heartbreaking events happen on those days, then years later have a whole new meaning.

You can make a year a living hell, but what you put out will come back twice as hard. Karma isn't something that should be messed with. Someone who says one thing, but their actions say another. You are manipulative and can't be trusted. 1 year/10,000 bad moments didn't keep me down for long, but it destroyed your career. You can't say I won't break someone's confidentiality and so easily do it behind their back. Then have a fun time learning your lesson on why you break HIPPA violations. You will have to deal with several lawsuits. You didn't think your decisions through, of course, you will blame the one who didn't do anything. You will find anything to feed you and make yourself the victim. Even though you say you're not about the drama. Funny how your words even mean something different than how you act.