E.T.B.R.

Being stuck in February, because so much happened in the last three years, that happened in February.  Am I allowed to leave or am I forever stuck in February? The last time I saw my grandma was February 20th. The last time I spoke to my mom and we went our own separate way was February 18th. Then my husband and I got married February 28th. All of this happened in the same year. The year of 2022, the year of pain not just mentally but physically. April 24th my next door neighbor passed away and April 28th my grandmother passed away in 2022. Then finding out Dec 25th of 2022, I had Abdominal Endometriosis. A year I wanted to forget but would remember. Endless February being stuck and having no energy to move forward. I just wanted to disappear. I thought the year of 2023 or 2024 would be better but it was the exact opposite. 

Living with Fibromyalgia, is like being hot and cold at the same time, while being aggravated by the pain. Fibromyalgia is consider as an autoimmune disease. The pain can be like needles, fire, ants to electric shocks at any point in the body. Being so stiff you fill like you are carrying bricks when you walk. A tiredness that never goes, even eight hours isn’t enough. Fibromyalgia can cause many other issues as well. Also I have CPS(Central Pain Syndrome), where my body no longer knows how to process pain, that’s why I’m always in excruciating pain. Some seasons are worse then others, like summer and winter are worse when it comes to the pain, then with the rain and cold temperatures. There really isn’t a break from not having pain. Fibromyalgia can happen from many factors but two of them is trauma and if you had a serious accident, like an injury to your back. Which I fit all the criteria. Doing research, butterflies are a symbol of being fragile but a rebirth. To live with a condition a disease a new way of life, while looking vibrant from all the changes of life.

To be a different someone to win at a war, where I never gave up. I became limitless, no one opens my doors. The confidence to try many new things, I don’t care who looks at me. A new hairstyle, is having a new purpose in life. The new confidence isn’t arrogance but being able to walk alone and stand up for what is right. Walking away from the comfortable things to explore outside of my comfort zone. Sharing things many would be afraid to share or go against. Being Fearless, being brave in world that wants to be little you and make you feel small. I have an eye condition where I can’t see out of my left eye, I can only see colors but not words. My right eye does all the work, and surgery is too risky, but still I’m limitless.

When you disappear and no one has heard from you from days. You either turn your phone off or put it on do not disturb. After each disappoint in many people you disappear in silence. The good in people is gone. No one knows you have a broken heart. You just go through life not showing it. No one cares how bad the treated you and they still show back up like nothing ever happened, but get mad when they don’t get the reaction out of you. You are tired playing this game and the one always getting the short hand. Writing is therapy of not only how far you have come but sharing the experience you had. I am not the one burning bridges, and won’t be the one who has to make amends either. Once you destroy a relationship there is no coming back from it. I will never have anything to do with you ever again. You screwed yourself and you lost in the end.

Treating people like shit with your entitlement, ego and rank. It won’t get you no where. You created your bed and you will have to sleep in it. No one cares about your rank. Treating people like shit and filling a complaint to get your way is what an adult who never grew up does. Once the truth comes out and you want to play the card of the victim and that you weren’t treated right. Who do you think you are? You are not the man, you are someone who never grew up. How low do you have to go to make everyone else’s life miserable. You don’t even know what the half of us go through, but it serves you. I don’t do revenge because karma will come back around, but your life could be easier if you put your ego and self-entitlement aside.

I have always walked with faith in Jesus, but many things have happened over the years where I felt lost. The first who ever knew about the abuse I went through, who was Matt Hearn. He passed away January 29th, 2021, six days after my twenty-two birthday. Gateway Community Church was a church I loved for ten years. Gateway Community Church in Bloomingdale, Ga will always be part of my life. Then several other people based away that went to Gateway Community Church, where you don’t feel like you belong it’s become unknown. Going to Compassion Church in Savannah, Ga, now online. There is grief you still carry, not against the church but the grief of not finding those individuals in someone else. Someone close to me passed away April 6th. April 24th my close neighbor passed away, then April 28th, my grandmother passed away. August 23rd, my grandfather passed away. When you go through so much grief you become a different person. I love the Lord and know there is reason of why everything happens the way it does, but grief is still heavy. Lights, camera, smile are the old photos of individuals who passed on, but your smile has faded away through the years. No one knows how miserable the last couple years have been, how sad the last several years has been. Disappearing, and not speaking for weeks on end was your way of healing and putting yourself first. You eventually found your way back to God, God has always gotten you out of darkness, especially during the times when it was too scary to break the chains. Being mentally, verbally, physically and sexually abused by someone you weren’t related to, but should have known better, but the blame was put on you. For the one causing the abuse to escape his consequences of his actions. The darkness was heavy, the guilt was heavy, but God got me through all of it. I still have bruises that remind of what I went through. It took awhile to trust any men, but eventually I got through it and I met my husband and eventually got married. My husband went through something similar with his abuser. It’s something you don’t forget, Only being able to see colors out of my left eye and words and colors out of my right eye, I only have one that does two jobs. Eventually through the darkness you will find the light and that smile will eventually come back. Nothing last forever, but you won’t forget either.

Surviving the Great War was realizing that they were playing with fire. Somewhere in the haze I’ve sensed I have been betrayed. Breaking someone’s confidentiality to only act like the victim . You knew what you were doing, but you didn’t think I would expose you. There is no place to hide but the bed you created of lies. Don’t show up or act like I forgot. I don’t forget. You just want this to go away, but it won’t. I survived the Great War while you are in misery. What you did backfired on you. Not only did you destroy your reputation and credibility, I heard since I left that company is in pieces. Not my problem, maybe you should have listened to my warning but I’m not the one who is suffering. It’s always interesting how when I walk away everything breaks into pieces. All this time I was the one holding everything together. You will never find another person like me and many of you are learning that the hard way.

A new chapter, a new way a new season. The silence the disappearance without a trace. Putting together a sense of the news that is waiting to be given. How should I feel about it? When it changed my world. There was no way to describe the roller coaster of emotions that hits you at lighting speed. Spring is where the old becomes new and everything becomes beautiful again, but what if it that isn’t true with the news that comes along with a long term road of no cure but filled with more ups and downs.

I always loved the ocean. The Keys, Miami, Caribbean, Bahamas, Jupiter, Coco Key, Orlando, Clearwater, Port St. Lucie, Destin, Tallahassee, Tampa, Daytona, Palm Beach, Cape Coral, Naples, Sarasota, Pensacola, Fort Lauderdale, St. Augustine, Hilton Head Beach and so many memories. The sailboat going out to sea, with Jimmy Buffett on. There are many adventures to come. Like meeting Patrick Dempsey at the Daytona International Speedway during the 24-Rolex race. Not knowing later he was from Maine and on Grey’s Anatomy. So many memories that are stored to look back on, every summer you will find me going out to sea. I miss having sea legs. Going on the Royal Caribbean or Carnival cruise ship, standing at the front of the ship with everyone waving good bye to you while the ship is heading out to sea. Then seeing the Miami Lights on the horizon, coming back in for the next trip. It’s like waiting for the next adventure to begin.

Getting a diagnosis that you never thought in a million years that you would get. Another condition you have to learn to deal with, like with makeup. You find a brand you love and you stay with it permanently or you find something close to it to continue, but unlike the condition there is no cure just many surgeries and treatments. The type of feeling is grief because I’m not losing anyone, but who I used to be. Makeup is more like a tool to try new things not to look more beautiful, because you are beautiful already. It’s a way to learn to cope with news. You are getting closer to completing this four year long puzzle piece.