Every Coach Needs A Coach

A few days ago I gave you my three rules to live by. Rule number one is to have fun. I was in a coaches webinar with the lead him up Community a few nights ago. One of the tips that Adam Bradley gave us, was to lean into the fun. We've all been there in serious moments with our team, and without warning, something funny happens. Maybe somebody's voice cracks, or two kids have been staring at each other and they just can't hold in their giggles anymore. And there's laughter. And the kids are nervous because they don't know if they're allowed to laugh or not, because we’re in the middle of something serious.

We have a couple of options when that happens. We can get stern, and reel them in quickly. We can laugh along with them, and enjoy the break in the tension, and we can let it get out of hand and stay off track.

During this webinar, I was reminded to lean into the fun. I get to coach high school sports. If we're not having fun, what are we doing? This is your reminder to lean into the fun. You can be disciplined, you can be tough on them, you have to love them. Make sure you and they are having fun, and i challenge you to lean into those moments.

It reminded me of when I was in seventh or eighth grade, and I had two female coaches. Both had played basketball, one was way more serious than the other. And both of them really loved us. One day we were practicing at the Essex Valley school, which has baskets that are 8 feet on the sides for the younger kids. Our less serious coach was tall enough that she could reach the net without jumping of this basket.

Our more serious coach had us on the baseline, about to run a sprint, because we didn't go through a drill hard enough a minute before. And while she was yelling at us, Coach Schelli grabbed onto the net of the lower basket and started spinning around underneath it. We knew we weren't supposed to laugh because we were getting yelled at, but all of us were staring at Coach Schelli, and when Coach Merriweather noticed that none of us were looking at her, she turned around and saw her assistant being silly. I don't know if either adult remembers that moment, but I promise you that every player does. Embrace the fun moments.

A good friend of mine unfortunately is suffering from long Covid. Given that the virus has only existed for just over two years, we don't know whole lot about it. She wanted to know if there was any exercises she should be doing to help facilitate her recovery. This was back in maybe May. So because I wanted to help her, I went down a rabbit hole for several hours a day for about a week, subscribing to physical therapy journals, asking people on social media who I respect , And who are experts in their field. Reaching out to colleagues who have seen athletes Dealt with long Covid patients.

I was not a member of the American physical therapy Association before that. But in order to get access to some information, I had to become a member. A couple hundred dollars later, and one lecture that was given by physical therapists at Mass General in Boston, I learned about real learning. Because at the end of that hour and a half lecture, that I skipped through to try to find the most valuable information in the least amount of time, they put a reminder to take the quiz at the end of the lecture in order ot get your continuing education credit.

It dawned on me then, that I couldn't have given less of a care to the continuing education credits. I had a person who needed my help, and I was trying to learn how to help them. I was mad, because it dawned on me that often times we sit through things to get credit for sitting through the thing. And that's garbage. Our time is too valuable, and our lives are too short to do things for the sake of doing them. Get curious, allow your kids to get curious, and then go explore that thing to make a real difference in the world.

There are some philosophies that I’ve adopted over my years that kind of shape my identity and guide my decision-making. They are my ‘north stars’ that I use to answer questions when I’m facing a decision. Some of them are

do all the good you can with all the time you have

‘beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself’

be bold

It’s a game, they are kids.

What goes around comes around

I sometimes have a hard time taking time for myself, and especially during soccer, my priorities shift and I don’t always eat a good lunch, or work out, or get to bed on time.

When a friend asked me why, I listed my above philosophies. And he pointed to a rock and told me to pick it up. I did. He said ‘squeeze it’, so i lightly squeezed it. He said ‘harder’, so i squeezed it harder, and i caught an edge of it that hurt a bit so i let it go. He asked why i let it go, and i told him ‘it hurt’.

He challenged me - if you hold on so tightly to those philosophies, just like that rock, you’re going to hurt yourself. The rock is sitting on my desk to remind me of that every day.

My challenge for you is how tightly are you holding on to your philosophies? Are you going to hurt yourself by gripping them so tight that you can’t learn new ones? Or put one down to pick another one up?

I like to end practice with celebrations, that's a tradition that I took from PGC, and my own experiences playing for my former coach. A few weeks ago one of our seniors celebrated a freshman who is continuously dripping sweat, asking for feedback, and clearly wanting to get better. The senior celebrated her for being an example. After we were done clapping, I threw that back on that senior, and said to her, I think that freshman does that because she sees you doing that. You set the tone, and she can see that that's how we do things here. That player who celebrated the freshman, as part of my rising tide who helped lift all the ships a few years ago, who didn't see a lot of playing time. But still worked her tail off. I'm very proud of her for recognizing that in her teammates and speaking up about it in front of them.

If we’re not having fun, what are we doing here? They don’t want to come, I don’t want to see them, and our progress is limited because there’s unnecessary tension .

We’ll both work hard to get you better. If you give me 100%, I’ll give you 200%. You gotta be all in.

Let’s be safe. We can have fun, we have to be safe.

You learn more about a person in an hour of play than you do in a lifetime of conversation. Yesterday we lost 3 to 2 in an overtime, golden goal game against a good opponent. It was a physical game, and fair. The two referees we had, we're older gentleman, each with 20+ years of officiating soccer at the college level. These guys knew what they were doing, and they were courteous Before during and after the game. We happen to have three penalties inside the 18 box during the game.

Two are fouls, and one of the handball. Those lead to penalty kicks. Our keeper saved one, they missed one over the net, and one of them winning. They were not bad calls, they were probably the right calls. Later in the game, one of my kids probably got fouled in a box, and it didn't get called. And that was fine. The opposing coach Managed to get himself a yellow card for screaming at the official wanting an off side call.

Maybe he was right about the car, maybe he wasn't, I wasn't in a position to see it. But I do know is he made a fool of himself jumping up and down and screaming at the official. After the game, I shook his hand and he apologized for how bad the referees were. This guy just won a 3 to 2 golden goal overtime game where his team got three penalty kicks, and he managed to get a yellow card. And he was apologizing to me about how bad the refs were. I try not to complain, so all I said was that I was grateful that they're there, because quite honestly there's an official shortage, and I thought they did all right.

I don't know it was the coach complaining since the opening whistle, the players did too, and the parents did as well. That guy seemed like a nice enough guy when I went over and introduced myself, and even after the game he was cordial. But what I told my players was that you can learn more about a person in an hour of play then you can in a lifetime of conversation. That's important for when they decide which company they wanna go work at, and who they want to date. Peoples true colors come out when they compete. My challenge for you, take a look at your colors.

Are you the same person when there is a score being kept versus not? Is a conversation with you reflective of how you are when you’re competing?

What was the last thing you googled? What was the last thing you googled ‘how to do’?. I bet you learned something. Maybe you were sitting on your couch on you phone. Maybe you were putting up a fixture in your house. Maybe you were putting gas in the lawn mower or changing the ink in in your printer. Whatever it was, I BET YOU LEARNED SOMETHING by doing it.

What’d you learn in 10th grade algebra ? Maybe formula for the slope of a line? Maybe the quadratic formula? MAYBE they taught you something valuable about compound interest. I bet you PASSED high school algebra..but I seriously doubt that you LEARNED high school algebra.

My point is, that learning happens when we are actively curious and involved in the process. Your kids will learn a drill are you talking about it. Your kids will learn by doing. This past week we gave each of our players a praise in a push. The praise was something they've been doing well, they push something that they need to get better at in order to see more time on the field and help the team. Once they knew their push, I gave them time before practice You work on that with a teammate who is already pretty good at that thing. For some of them it was their first touch and controlling the ball to the ground. For others it was tackling and holding off on opponent as you control the ball. By allowing my players to teach their teammates, the teammates actually learn, and I giving my kids the objective and task of getting better at that thing in order to get more time on the field, they learned. And now, they have strategies to go home and use on their own or if they really want to get better and learn, they will do it, and they have the tools.

All the villagers decided to pray for rain together one morning. On the day of prayer, everyone showed up , but only one little boy brought an umbrella. That is faith.

Last year in basketball, we were positioned so that by our last game, if we lost it , we’d tie for 1st place, and if we won it, we’d win the conference. It was a game we should win, so my dad and I got t shirts made up designed that said conference champs and the year, and had the box sitting at the end of the bench during the game. My dad and I were the only ones who knew about it (and the mom who helped us put the order together).  Our head coach, the players, our opponents didn’t know.

We won the game (it was closer than we anticipated, but we won), and we gave the t shirts out in the locker room immediately after.

The kids were confused. They asked us ‘what would you have done if we lost’, and we simply responded, we knew you could do it.

My challenge for you is to have your faith in your team, and then SHOW it. Believe in them, and when you have the chance to ‘bring an umbrella’, bring it.

It's really easy to get frustrated when a player shows up late, especially when they haven't given you a heads up that they're gonna be late. The same can be said for kids showing up to class late.

I've been guilty of showing up to church late. And I think this is where I heard this phrase. Rather than getting annoyed, or judging that person, or scolding them in front of the group for being late. You simply say, “

I'm so glad you're here is everything OK?”

Yeah Coach everything is fine I just had to pull my car around and there was traffic at that stoplight. Yes teacher, I had to stop at my locker because I forgot my book. Sorry God, I'm late for church because I overslept.

Then there's the flipside of that. I was late because I got pulled over. I was late because I had to bring my sister to school first. I was late because I was taking a math test. I was late because I had detention.

Once we find out the reason, we can then have a conversation about accountability, and commitment, and making sure that our lateness is not chronic, and that we respect each other's time. Once we find out, yes, everything's OK, we have a platform on which we've established that we care about the person first, and then we can help them grow and hold them accountable to being on time.

My challenge for you is the hold your scolding until you found out that everything is OK. Then, calmly have a conversation about responsibility.