Every Coach Needs A Coach

I have lost count of the number of emails and conversations that start with ‘i dont want to be that guy/girl/parent/ref/coach/patient/doctor)..and then the proceed to go be that thing. If you really didn’t want to be that guy…YOU WOULDN’T DO IT.

I think a much better way to have that kind of conversation is, ‘It makes me uncomfortable to have this conversation with you because I don’t do it a lot. This is important to me so I want to talk about it with you.’

The MOMENT you do the thing you said you didn’t want to do, you admit you want to do it. Let’s just be real and honest with each other, rather than pretending to be or do something we’re not.

I signed our team up for lead em up this year, that’s a program run by Adam Bradley designed to help build great followership and leadership in an athletic program.

The program starts by defining what ‘green’ is. Green is the money team. Green is good, relaxed, flowing. Ultimately , we want to be green, build green. The first thing we do is sit down as a group and define what our green standards are and will be. We talk about what green looks and sounds like. Then when we decide, i send those in to lead em up, and they send us back a poster with those standards and our team logo and name on them.

In addition to being time well spent (like we talked about the last few days), it was a really great way to hear our team hash out what they want this year. They want to feel close and connected and together. And that’s all I need. By defining our ‘green’, I can now simply yell out, or pull aside a kid and ask them ‘are you green right now?’ and they’ll know what im talking about.

My challenge for you - does your team know what it wants? Does it know what ‘green’ looks and sounds and feels like? Are they willing to chase that? To hold each other accountable to that?

This is a love languages episode. Every year I ask our players how they feel most appreciated. I want them to know that I want to try and make them feel like I appreciate them.

People feel loved and appreciated in different ways though. Some love a high five. Some love public praises. Some love a little note that no one else knows about. Some want their picture on the team instagram. Some want their name in the paper and others are mortified if i put them on the instagram or in the newspaper.

This year I asked ‘how and when do you feel most appreciated’, and got lots of answers like ‘when i score a goal or get an assist’, or ‘when the team cheers my name’. Which is all fine. But that means that even with a TREMENDOUS season, a kid will only feel appreciated MAYBE 20  times.

My assistant coach challenged me to rephrase that question in the future to ‘how can we help you feel most appreciated?’ Because that has nothing to do with their time or performance on the field.

My challenge for you, don’t shower your kids with roses without asking what their favorite flower is. Ask the right questions, and LISTEN to the answers.

Yesterday we talked about dedicated, protected time. Along that line, we seem to never have enough time. But what if instead of saying ‘we don’t have time for that’, we rephrased it as ‘that’s not a priority right now’. That simple phrasing will help you and your staff and your team understand where your priorities are at.

Think about the last thing you said you didn’t have time for (in the context of your team)

For me it was “we don’t have time to interview every candidate for captainship”. If i rephrase that to ‘it’s not a priority to interview every candidate for captainship’, I would stand by that statement. It’s not. Each player got to make a speech, as long as they liked, to explain to their teammates why they want and are qualified for that position. I don’t feel it necessary to interview them each individually. That might change in future years, but this year, it’s not.

Personally, I challenge you to think of the last thing you said ‘i dont have time for’. For me, it was working out. Quite honestly, I don’t really. But between walking the dog 2-3x/day, being out there with our team, and doing what i do as a PT, I didn’t feel it was a priority to work out. Phrasing it that way, I realize how crazy that sounds. If I want to set an example to our players and my staff and my community, I need to exercise and stay healthy.

So think about how you’re using that phrase ‘I don’t ahve time for that’, and instead, change it to ‘that’s not a priority right now’. See if it changes any choices you’re making with your time.

One of my business coaches challenged me that in order to grow my clinic, i need to have dedicated, protected time in my schedule every week that i take away from treating patients, and focus solely on my strategy to improve my business and grow it.

That phrase, dedicated, protected time she used 3-4x in our conversation. She did that deliberately, because we all know how it goes (i’ve done it so many times i’ve lost track), where we put that 2 hour block in on a Thursday , early afternoon…and then a patient asks for an appointment at that time. Or the dog’s vet visit can only happen at that time, or I get asked to help with my nieces or nephews. Or that’s the only time I can grocery shop…etc.)

That dedicated, protected time we all have (maybe it’s to work out. Maybe it’s to read, or cook a good dinner, or have dinner with our family, or go on a date with our significant other…)or, in the case of coaching, maybe it’s the team building activities or community service you intend to do at the start of the season, but then a game gets rescheduled…or there’s a big game coming up that you have to spend extra time on the field for…we’ve all been there!)

Think of that time as protected though. Think of it like it’s got a moat around it with armed guards , making sure that it’s safe and protected.

This is a story that popped up on my facebook feed a few days ago. 

My daughter starts middle school tomorrow.  We've decorated her locker, bought new uniforms, even surprised her with a new backpack.  But tonight just before bed, we did another pre-middle school task that is far more important than the others.  I gave her a tube of toothpaste and asked her to squirt it out onto a plate.  When she finished, I calmly asked her to put all the toothpaste back in the tube.  She began exclaiming things like "But I can't!" and "It won't be like it was before!"  I quietly waited for her to finish and then said the following:

"You will remember this plate of toothpaste for the rest of your life.  Your words have the power of life or death.  As you go into middle school, you are about to see just how much weight your words carry.  You are going to have the opportunity to use your words to hurt, demean, slander and wound others.  You are also going to have the opportunity to use your words to heal, encourage, inspire and love others.  You will occasionally make the wrong choice; I can think of three times this week I have used my own words carelessly and caused harm.  Just like this toothpaste, once the words leave your mouth, you can't take them back.  Use your words carefully.  When others are misusing their words, guard your words.  Make the choice every morning that life-giving words will come out of your mouth.  Decide tonight that you are going to be a life-giver in middle school.  Be known for your gentleness and compassion.  Use your life to give life to a world that so desperately needs it.  You will never, ever regret choosing kindness."

The Rock said he heard a quote when he was 15 that is now engrained in his DNA “It’s nice to be important, but it’s important to be nice”

As coaches, we want to love our kids, and we want to be tough on them, and we want them to compete and play hard to win. We must model that we can be fierce and nice at the same time. We will say and do things like that tube of toothpaste, where we wish we could take them back. Try to spill as little as possible, and when you do, admit it.

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” ― Howard Thurman I am in the start of soccer season, and although coaching throws my schedule and life into some chaos, man, does it make me come alive. I get excited, and frustrated, and enthusiastic, and driven to be my best when I coach. I think that’s the best example I can set for our kids.   What makes you come alive? Are you doing it daily? Are you setting that example for those around you?

"To laugh often and much; win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived; This is to have succeeded". -Emerson 

“To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived, this is to have succeeded.”

We’re all guilty of making our players lives harder (temporarily) , I’d like to hope that’s to help make another time in their life easier because you’ve coached them.

Maybe we can change that to reflect coaching more. “To know even 1 player has loved the game more because you were their coach’ or ‘to know even 1 player has felt included in something bigger than themselves because you were their coach’ or…’even 1 player has happy memories of their sport because you were their coach’.

I challenge you , as I have before, to define success for yourself. Wooden did it. Emerson did it. You can do it, too.

Why not make this universe the one where you’re the best version of you?

Last week we were driving back from the beach, and we listened to a podcast featuring the physicist Michio Kaku. Stay with me on this because it gets kind of deep and trippy. The idea of a multi-verse is that there are infinite universes, with infinite versions of infinite possibilities. At least that's my understanding of it. As MISSIO was explaining this, I had a thought and said to my husband, if there are infinite universes of infinite ‘Coach Kelli’s;, why not make this one the best one? I question this one be the one where I connect best with my kids? Why should this one be the one where my teams give me energy and excitement every single day? Why should this one be the one where I get the best out of them, and help them become the best versions of themselves day in and day out? Why shouldn't this be the one with my staff are the best people I know?

I couldn't come up with a good reason why not. So now I am in pursuit of making this universe the best one I can imagine.

What challenge for you is if the possibilities were infinite and limitless, what would your goals and aspirations for your team be?

In 2016 my new year’s resolution was to make 50 three pointers a week. At that point I was studying for my board exams to become a physical therapist, working full-time as an intern. And knowing that my health and mental health were important, but not necessarily taking the time to take care of those things. I love basketball, and a New Year's resolution forced me to do something that I loved, that was physical activity. It was the best New Year's resolution I've ever had, and the longest one I've ever stuck with.

I would go to the YMCA, And my rule was that I couldn't hit more than 25 in a day. So that forced me to go at least two days a week. I like to play a game when I shoot. I pick 5-7 spots on the floor, and make my way around the world. If I make the shot, my rebound is allowed to hit the ground, but if I miss it, I have to get the rebound before it hits the ground, and make a layup. If I made the layup, I could re-take the shot. If I missed the layup, I had to start back from the beginning.

I just like when I played, I had a good shooting days, and not so good shooting days. On the days that were not so good, I learned how important it was to make my layups.

Keep in mind I was studying for my national physical therapy exam board. I had a revelation one day that there were questions as I was practicing for the exam that were three point questions. They were hard, they took a lot of time, and they made me think and challenged the range of my knowledge and understanding. And those practice questions there were also the ‘gimmes’  ,The questions that took very little thought, very little time, and we're very surface level of my knowledge. Those were the layups. The more challenging ones were the three-pointe

And in about mid January, I started to study in a way that made sure I hit my lips. Just like in basketball, I was bound to hit a few three-pointers, but if I hit my labs, I was gonna be just fine. A challenge to use a coach is what are your labs? What are the easy things that you should be doing day in and day out to get right? Of course, there will be points in your season or something challenging comes up, that's your three-pointer. Maybe you'll make it, and maybe a mess, but if you keep hitting your lips, you're bound to be successful.