Every Coach Needs A Coach

“How you did it, and who you did it with will matter much more than what you did” -TJ Rosene

I have a business coach who likes to say ‘who you become along the way is much more important than what you achieve’.  Later, in that same episode, TJ says, “Who is in your corner, and what are they made of?”

I have been blessed with an absolutely incredible assistant coach. She is honest, straightforward, focused, and invested in our program. This woman coached freshmen cheerleading for 7 years waiting for something in the soccer program to open up. She has poured her heart into our players and it shows. She has been my support system when I mess up. Last year after our first game, a player was unhappy with the amount she played, and we lost the game in overtime in the last 2 minutes. It was tough as the head coach, coming off a year we won a state championship, and Steph stayed with me and walked around the track long after sunset talking me off a ledge.

We have the opportunity to help people develop and grow into the versions of themselves they want to be. We have young athletes who are in a pivotal time in their lives, as they discover who their friends are and what their priorities are.

The best we can be are examples, and I think the best we can do as coaches is genuinely love our staff first, and our athletes second. That example of love will penetrate into our team and allow us to see who is in our corner and what they’re made of.

My challenge for you - who are you? What are you made of? How are you changing, growing, and becoming a better example for your kids?

https://open.spotify.com/episode/1RGWUDE6OCj7UkkFMeNv6Z?si=rNBrJAhmQmue7SbTwdyXlg&context=spotify%3Ashow%3A1liEjtAND9ZXxphH0rvUPT&dl_branch=1

I want to have my players be able to run practice without me. I want my captains to be able to run the show in such a way that I don’t need to be there. I want to teach my kids the strategy behind our game and the rationale behind my decisions, so that if I were to disappear, or my voice goes out, or suddenly I can’t SEE what’s going on, they would be completely fine without me.

I want to treat them in sjuch a way that they WANT me at practice. They WANT my input . They WANT my advice, not because i’m the one deciding their playing time, but because they ACTUALLY VALUE IT.

A giant ship's engine broke down and no one could repair it, so they took it to a Mechanical Engineer with over 40 years of experience.

He inspected the engine very carefully, from top to bottom. After seeing everything, the engineer unloaded the bag and pulled out a small hammer.

He knocked something gently. Soon, the engine came to life again. The engine has been fixed!

7 days later the engineer mentioned that the total cost of repairing the giant ship was $ 10,000 to the ship owner

"What ?!" said the owner.

"You did almost nothing. Give us a detailed bill."

The answer is simple:

Tap with a hammer: $ 2

Know where to knock & how much to knock: $ 9,998

My first year coaching freshman basketball, I ran into a situation that I haven't run into since. One of my players was taking terrible shots. I'm talking first pass in, highly guarded, out of her range shots. I finally asked her what was up. And she said that her dad would give her a dollar for every point she scored in a game. Relating to what we talked about yesterday, that was a recipe for disaster. I had to have a talk with the girl, and let her know that's not T-ball, that she was in fact hurting the team by trying to reach her own selfish goal. I wanted to smack the dad. Points are easy to measure. I wish he had use something like rebounds, or screen set, or steals instead of points. It's not me a valuable lesson to talk with my kids, find out there why, and address it as soon as possible.

This farmer, who could understand what the animals said to each other, did linger in the farm yard each evening just to listen to their words. One evening he did hear the ox bemoaning to the ass the hardness of his lot: 'I do labor pulling the plow from morning until night. No matter how hot the day, or how tired my legs, or how the bow doth chafe my neck, still must I work. But you are a creature of leisure. You are trapped with a colorful blanket and do nothing more than carry our master about where he wishes to go. When he goes nowhere you do rest and eat the green grass all the day. "Now the ass, in spite of his vicious heels, was a goodly fellow and sympathized with the ox. 'My good friend, he replied, 'you do work very hard and I would help ease your lot. Therefore, will I tell you how you may have a day of rest. In the morning when the slave comes to fetch you to the plow, lie upon the ground and bellow much that he may say you are sick and cannot work. "So the ox took the advice of the ass and the next morning the slave returned to the farmer and told him the ox was sick and could not pull the plow. "Then,' said the farmer, hitch the ass to the plow, for the plowing must go on.' All that day the ass, who had only intended to help his friend, found himself compelled to do the ox's task. When night came and he was released from the plow his heart was bitter and his legs were weary and his neck was sore where the bow had chafed it. The farmer lingered in the barnyard to listen. The ox began first. 'You are my good friend. Because of your wise advice I have enjoyed a day of rest.' '''And I,;' retorted the ass, am like many another simple hearted one who starts to help a friend and ends up by doing his task for him. Hereafter you draw your own plow, for I did hear the master tell the slave to send for the butcher Were you sick again. I wish he would, for you are a lazy fellow.' Thereafter they spoke to each other no more- this ended their friendship.  If you desire to help thy friend, do so in a way that will not bring thy friends burdens upon thyself." Richest man in Babylon page 59 I think our players need to hear this story. They’re teenagers. We ask them to hold each other accountable, push each other, and lift the tide with their efforts. Sometimes they take on the burden’s of their friends in order to carry that weight, and that’s dangerous for them. It can also damage the relationships they share if one person feels slighted.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cROmfTGXEyM

Mike Tyson was on the goal cast podcast, and tells a story of meeting Frank Sinatra in the early 90s, why Tyson was in his prime. Sinatra slyly walked by him as he was leaving the event and he said “listen kid, it’s not how good you’re doing , it’s about how long you’re doing good.”

Any one of us could have a winning season or a fluke game, but consistent ”doing good”, the John Wooden kind, comes from principles, discipline, and culture that makes us , us.

John wooden spent years on his pyramid of success , using it to help define and reach success, which is , quite simply, ‘do your best’.

We can dive into the pyramid a different day..that’s what helps us have long, successful, happy careers, the kind like frank sinatra had.

Adam Bradley is the founder of Lead Em Up, which is a curriculum for developing leaders through team sports. I recently joined the lead em up community, and will certainly keep you all posted on how i like it and how it’s working with our team.

They hosted a webinar yesterday about the art of building connected teams.

Stay with me on this, it’s a good lesson.

Adam uses an exercise called ‘going for gold’ to help players connect with one another. He says often players will hesitate to call a teammate out if they’re not trying their best or something’s going on in his or her life, because ‘i dont know them like that, coach’. That ‘like that’ phrase is important. This exercise is designed to help players get to know each other ‘like that’. So the exercise is simple. You pair them off with people they might not know ‘like that’ and give them 3 minutes to find things they have in common. When they find something they each clap twice and say ‘struck gold’, and then continue ‘mining’. It’s very simple, and he reports that the players love it.

Here’s what I found most interesting though. He says that if he had $20 in one hand and $100 in the other, which would be more valuable? Easily, the $100 is more valuable. But he challenges that and says we could go blow this $100 real quick at chipotle or the video game store , or anywhere else, and then it’s gone. Or we could leave it alone and it’ll stay $100. But with the $20, if we invest it, we can quickly make it worth waaaay more than $100.

His point is that we might have players who make a $100 connection, and those who make a $20 connection. But if the players who make the $20 connection then invest in that relationship (let’s say the both like blue gatorade), now they can connect on that connection. Maybe one brings the other the new flavor of blue gatorade. Or there’s a new flavor out that they go try together. Or they’re the only 2 on the team whose favorite is blue…the possibilities are endless. The point is, that little, seeminlyg insignificant connection can now help your team become filled with players who know each other ‘like that’ .

I will post the replay of the webinar here, it was filled with good nuggets.

https://us02web.zoom.us/rec/play/DCaTgj9lvKs_BcRqzNMCbQy2eAoHHlLiAIRXH0Vg3aEYZYMtZl-uCxAaYZ6c2CJbKmafXAV6cc6I_qfj.JgSGC7mpJ7pDmEPV?startTime=1659974575000&_x_zm_rtaid=Gwyg46-oTcaszo7IT1VsTA.1660059984627.4134ed5bd76a70ed22673007fc666b9b&_x_zm_rhtaid=159&ck_subscriber_id=1828522131

Doug Lemov , in his book ‘The Coaches guide to teaching’, he talks a LOT about feedback and  on page 139 he says- praise the good when they’ve done it , that way there is no doubt that they CAN do it, they already have ! Now “do it again” rather than, “Do it this way”

When we offer feedback, we tend to overanalyze and over explain, and over talk. Our kids lose focus (look at their eyes next time you’re offering feedback…you’ll know when to stop when you see them get droopy or distracted)

If we can tell those players to ‘do it again’, vs. correcting them with every rep or every other rep, THEY know what it felt like when it was done correctly. They know how low their butt was or how quickly they checked over their shoulder, or how fast they changed direction. We can simply offer them ‘do it again!’ and encourage them.

One other piece on feedback -‘use feedback like a sniper rifle , not a machine gun’. Be specific and suscinct when offering feedback (like a sinper, get it done in 1 quick shot), vs bombarding them with information and hoping something sticks (like a machine gun).

I once was upset at the effort of a few players on the 8th grade travel softball team I was coaching. So, I yelled. I like to think I encouraged loudly, but I yelled. I was just at the start of opening my PT clinic, and felt like if they were going to lolly-gag, why on earth would I waste my time with them at practice?

Then I found out that one of their mom's had passed away from cancer the year before. And I felt like a jerk. I didn't know what that kid was going through as a 13 year old girl without a mom, and I never will. 

It’s important to understand that we’re all operating with incomplete information. We know the tip of each other’s icebergs, IF we know that!

Your kids don’t know when you’ve had a tough day, and unless you ask (and they’re honest with you), you don’t know if they had a hard day, a rough night’s sleep, a breakup with their significant other, a failed test, a family or pet death, etc. We are operating on incomplete information , and we have to understand that if we were to get more or different information, our opinions might change, and our attitudes might change with them. 

We were on vacation last week, and our dog had an upset stomach one night because he stole a piece of coffee cake off the countertop. We were sharing the house with my brother, and I didn’t want to wake anyone, so I tried to wash my hands in our bathroom, but my husband had locked the door while he was in the shower. I was tired, grumpy, and when I tried to open that door and it was locked, I was really angry with my husband. He was in the shower, so he couldn’t hear me knocking to get in (I couldn't yell because my brother and his kids were asleep), and I couldn’t find the key to the door in the room .

I calmed down, washed my hands in the kitchen, and asked him the next morning, why’d you lock the door?

'That’s just what I always do…I didn’t think about if you needed to get in’. I was not thrilled with his answer. 'That's just what I always do' is a valid excuse, his habit is to lock the door behind him...it's a surface-level of thinking that now I challenge him on in case something like that were to happen again. 

Guess who now has a good reason if he locks the door somewhere?