Every Coach Needs A Coach

In a strange and exciting turn of events last night, I met Derrick Rose and Ms. Lauryn Hill. Her son was having a basketball themed birthday party at a local gym here, and they rented the facility thinking that officials came with it. One of my former soccer players works the desk at that gym, and had to break the news to her that there were no refs for their court. In desperation to find one, she texted our bball coach, who texted me, and I happened to be available. I said yes, and in about 15  minutes was over at the gym. This was the 2nd time I’ve been celebrated as a ref for getting to a game. I showed up, shook ms. Hill’s hand, and she introduced me to Derrick Rose. We played a 20 minute game of 5v5, and then Mr. Rose spoke to the kids about making it to the NBA.

If there’s 1 takeaway for coaches from this story, it’s to always be ready. I didn’t wake up that morning expecting that to happen in the evening, but I was available and willing to go have a good time.

The second, is that we can get anything we want, we just have to ask for it. I had just recorded yesterday’s episode about ‘cheaple people’...Ms. Hill told me to name my price for reffing that night. I threw out a number and she didn’t even blink, she paid me on the spot. I just threw that out there into the universe, and it responded. You can have anything  you want, you just have to earnestly ask for it.

Myron Golden is a motivation speaker and business coach. I went to a conference where he spoke, and he introduced this concept of ‘cheaple people’ and ‘preple people’. We all know the cheapo people. They're the people who drive an extra five minutes to save two or three cents a gallon on gas. They're the people who complain that their taxes are too high, they're the people who shop around for seven or eight electricians to do one job to make sure they get the best price. They look for commodities, and how they can get the best deal all the time. On the contrary, prequel people have an abundance mindset. They are the people who hired a landscaper to do the lawn. They sit in first class seats on planes. They are happy to pay other people a premium price, because it means they're getting a premium product and result. They go to the nice restaurants. The difference between these two people is their mentality. Cheapo people tend to think within a scarcity mindset, and scarcity mindset means that the record the place in their head says, "there's never enough, there's never enough, there's never enough "opposite to that the record that plays in the head of a person with an abundance mindset says “there’s more than enough, there’s more than enough, there’s more than enough”

How does this apply to coaching? Is there always a problem? There's not enough time in the field? Your kids have bad attitudes? The parents are giving you a hard time? There's not enough money in the budget? You're teaching your kids to have a scarcity mindset. Opposite to that, if you have an abundance mindset, there's always enough time. There's always an answer to a problem, there's always a solution to getting time on the field, or equipment with the budget you have. If you think this way, your kids will think this way too.

Have you ever gone to another country where the native language is not your own? Maybe you took italian in high school , and on your trip to italy, you ask the waiter or waitress in italian ‘where’s the restroom’, what do they do?! They smile this huge smile, and show you right away where it is. They compliment your italian (Even if it stinks!) and they appreciate that you attempted to speak to them in their native tongue.

I can dabble in conversational spanish..and I speak it when I can. Our landscaper at our condo are a few spanish speaking guys, and one day while i was walking our dog, i attempted to tell one of the guys ‘he loves everyone’, and i think i accidentally said ‘he’s in love with everyone’. The guy laughed, corrected me gently, and proceeded to pet my very excited pup.

Language connects us instantly. My challenge for you, is what word or words can you yell out to your team, that ONLY your program understands? Of course, your plays are your own unique language (until someone scouts you and knows what ‘Princeton’ is. But what is unique to YOU, your school, your program? That would instantly connect you and your players?

Gary Chapman is a marriage counselor who wrote the book the 5 love languages. He boils successful marriages down the couple’s ability to recobnisez and then speak in the other person’s love language. The 5 love languages are

1 - words of affirmation

2 - quality time

3- receiving gifts

4- acts of service

5 - physical touch

And if you’re my husband or brother-in-law,  the 6th love language is ‘Food’.

Chapman discusses how each of us have a primary way we feel most loved. Your love language may be physical touch, and you may have a partner whose language is ‘words of affirmation’. You could hug, kiss, snuggle them and hold their hand until you’re bursting, but if you don’t know that a compliment makes them feel loved, their emotional tank will be drained quickly. That’s the most helpful concept I took away while I read that book (which happened to be on our honeymoon).

How’s your tank? Began to be the phrase I could ask Nick to make sure he was feeling loved by me. His love language is quality time. That’s tough to get when your wife coaches 2 sports and runs a business. So, we make sure that the time we do get together is high quality time. No phones, no distractions. Just us. And there are ALWAYS points during the season where his tank is low, so we make sure we carve out a date night or 2 and have dinner together or take a walk with the dog.

Hows your tank became a phrase within our marriage that might sound funny to an outsider, but to us makes total sense.

As a side note, I ask my kids how they feel most appreciated, and use these 5 languages as my example. That way I know how to best fuel them and let them know I do appreciate them.

John Gordon’s book The No Complaining Rule is an anecdote of a woman at a company whose employees are unhappy, she has a potential cancer diagnosis, and her husband recently left her and her 2 teenage kids. In Chapter 6, she says to her daughter ‘dont be such a complainer…you sound like the people i work with.” “complainer! Complainer! Youre calling me a complainer? Countered her strong willed 17 year old daughter. Thats all you do is complain. You walk in the door and complain about yoru job. You complain about the people complaining to you. Then you get on the phone with grandma and aunt pam and complain to them for most of the night..all you do is talk about how bad life is. “

This is our week on language, so I want to acknowledge how complaining sounds. The words often draw comparisons, draw on past experiences which were better, and blame others for our circumstances.

Have your players listen out for complaints, and have them call one another out on it when they hear it. Maybe put together a coalition of ‘complaining police’ who point out when someone is complaining about something and call them out on it with a simple ‘wee woo!’

There is a time and place for venting. We all need to let it out. On our teams, that place is privately to captains or coaches, not in front of the whole group.

In his Book Legacy, James Kerr studies the All Blacks, the most successful professoinal sports team of our times. They have a victory rate of 86%. It’s a great book on culture and successful team building.

He devotes an entire chapter to language. He introduces that in 1999, the team and it’s results were slipping, so the managers wrote a book that was ‘a system of meanings that everyone understood, a language and vocabulary and set of beliefs that bound the group together”

Mottos and mantras can shape who we are “Shrewd leaders invent a unique vocabulary as shorthand for communicating new cultural norms and standards, using specific words, phriass, mottos and mantras…in this way, language becomes the oxygen that sustains belief, leaders rewrite the future” pg 154 , legacy

Defined as a system of communication used by a particular country or community. A SYSTEM. Where you work , there’s a language. In the profession of physical therapy, only other physical therapists know what a goniometer is. ROM is short for range of motion. T tests and Tinetti’s have special meaning to us, and they’re gibberish to other professions. Yours is taht way too, I promise you that you use words every day that ONLY your profession appreciates.

Our teams are the same way. My kids know what a Man U is. They know what power circles are and locker buddies. Every Caldwell girls soccer player since the program’s inception knows what those things are. The common language unites us across generations of players. There’s beauty and poetry in that.

Every culture has a language. That’s how they tell their stories and pass on their traditions. Words evoke emotions and effort.

Are you consciously aware of the effect your language has on your players? Are you cultivating a place where certain words mean certain things, that ONLY your kids know?

I went to officials Camp again earlier this week, and Cass Beverly was one of the clinicians there. He is right now in the NBA G league, and will likely make it all the way to the NBA as an official. He said something that stood out to me. He said good officials get themselves out of situations that great officials would never have gotten into in the first place. I asked him to tell me more about that and he noted a game that he did five years ago at the division one or two level, it was a three point game, with maybe 30 seconds or so left. He called a foul, and didn't realize that the clock continue to run for three or four seconds. He forgot to glance up at the clock after he blew his whistle. So the opposing coach starts yelling at him, Mr. official, four seconds came off the clock get that time back on please. There is no replay at that level, so Katz was stuck because he did not have to finish of knowledge, and neither did his partners, of the clock continuing to run. 13 proceeded to lose the game, and when cast looked at the replay, sure enough, the time did come off the clock and his partners didn't catch it. He missed it, and managed to get out of the game alive, but now it's a habit where when he blows his whistle he glances at the clock.

You could replace official with just about any profession in that sentence. A good accountant get some selves out of situation is that a great accountant never gets into in the first place. A good physical therapist get some selves out of situation is that a great physical therapist would never get into in the first place. As we get experience as coaches, we realize the good coaches can get out of situations that great coaches would've never gotten into in the first place. My challenge for you is to reflect on the situation that happened once, and that you'll never let happen again. Start asking coaches that question and learning from them, because our careers are too short to make all our own mistakes.

Have you guys seen the pictures from the James Webb telescope? These are the clearest, most beautiful , accurate photos we have of the galaxy. These coming out reminded me of a conversation I had last month with my soccer seniors. We We're talking about Captains, I have 10 capable seniors who have played soccer together just about their whole lives. One of them mentioned that she wants it to feel like all of them are leading the team, no matter who gets named as a captain. It made me think of an idea i heard about , i dont exactly remember where or when, that leadership in organizations should feel like a constellations as opposed to ‘pyramids’ or ‘heirechys’ - of course, we need organizaiton and titles to help the outside world understand who is ‘in charge’, my challenge for you is that those in your organization all have an opportunity to shine. Maybe consider it like a game of connect the dots, that makes a wonderful picture, vs. a pyramid or ladder where there are competing thoughts.

There is no WINNING at a concert. The pure JOY is in the thing itself. The pure joy is in the music itself. Even if you go see an artist you love, to hear the 1 song you LOVE, when that song comes on, you don’t ever want it to end, and when it does, you don’t ask to hear it again. You appreciate it while it’s happening.

Our games are like songs in a concert. We are lucky that we get a whole setlist that is a season. Each game has it’s own story, ebbs and flows, and crescendos. Try to treat your games like a song at a concert. Appreciate them while they’re happening, revel in them when they’re over, and celebrate the next one that plays.