Loneliness, sometimes the days can be long, in the last year there have been times that I’ve spent my working hours without any human interaction, to go into the evening, make myself dinner, watch a movie, and not have any contact with another person. I got a cat at the East Orange Animal shelter, Bowie. He talks a lot and is very handsome, we have those two things in common. I think we are going to be very good friends.

Why do affairs hurt so badly? I dunno the science behind it, but it breaks your fucking heart in ways that are sometimes unfixable. Is it the betrayal, the lust, the deceit, the lying? Wouldn't it be easier to just resolve it with your partner and have a difficult conversation, get therapy or not, then get a divorce and move on. Unfortunately no, because affairs are not about respect or balance, they are about secrets and lies... Fantasies. The act of lust and carnal desire excite and stimulate us to the core of our beings as humans, enough so to risk a 20 year marriage for a fling that ends in embarrassment. The maths don't math and yet affairs happen everyday. Here are some cheating statistics 16% of married couples admitted to being unfaithful at some point in their marriage. 30% of individuals started cheating on their spouse with someone at work. According to research, 57% of marriages ended in divorce due to infidelity.

What is rehabilitation, sobriety, temperance, AA? Living a sober life is more then just not drinking or doing drugs. It's about finding your purpose, finding hope to live again in a world that is totally unfamiliar and frightening without the crutches you've used in the past to face it. I am not perfect, I've relapsed, I've abandoned my principles and promises to myself on multiple occasions, but I always come back to the same reality. That drugs suck the soul and the life out of an otherwise hopeful and meaningful existence and when I indulge, things start to fall apart, and I begin to lose a grip on the basics. I'm a better person when I am not using. That’s the reality. 

What is a home to you? Is it people? Is it a place to lay your head? A building? Maybe it might be hard to define. I think for me, it was simply, a consistent place to use the bathroom again after not having one for awhile. That was home to me. Now, my person lives half way across the world, but when I'm with her, I feel like I'm home but we don't live together. When I'm with my kids; that feels like home too, and were never even static for too long, or stay in one place long enough to establish residency. I'm sticking with my definition, i.e A place to use the bathroom alone, in peace, quietly... with a bidet. preferably.

Have you ever tried to teach your child how to ride a bike? It can be an arduous and fruitless process. There's a small war going on. It's a strange power struggle, you're trying to protect a little person from hurting themselves, and of course they're desperate for your guidance but want their independence at the same time. Going through a divorce breaks your heart one million times multiple times as day, but I've found losing access to my children was one of the most challenging burdens to carry. Sometimes though, you have to "let go" let them fail on their own, and be there to help them back up when they fall.

There's nothing "good" about saying goodbye, so maybe it's better to say... See you L-8er. A long goodbye and the long ride home back to Dirty Jerz. I found a place to to live temporarily, a camper behind my old Jiu Jitsu school. Reconnected with Scarlett. Going to perform and dance for the elite at the private school my son wants to attend and was recruited for to play football.

What do you do when the person you've been in love with for 22 years tells you that they don't love you anymore... If you're an alcoholic, you drink. So, that's what I did. I drank and drank, and drank, while crooning at the moon. Coldness and detachment is part of divorce and a natural process of separation. That doesn't mean you have to like it or even endure it - If you decide to leave your person and there is still love, avoid this part if you can. Don't play games, try not to manipulate. Don't drink. Be patient, be kind and courteous, be nice. It's worth it in the long run. My person couldn't do this part and to be honest, I was a little late to the party myself.

A long way down... time is tricky, it erases all of our memories, even the places we thought we remembered. When we return to the past some times things have been torn down, replaced... Or maybe the UDF (United Dairy Farmers) is in the exact same damn spot that is was 20 years ago. Some things never change, the sidewalks just get dirtier. Ohio State Buckeye fans don't play. I go on a bender after I sniff out a coke dealer at a local watering spot. Things go sideways from there. Going to Mom's place in the next episode. Love ya, Pops!

I fell in love with a girl when I was 17, separated, went to college, re-connected, got married, moved to NYC, lived in almost every borough, built our careers, had children, moved to the brooklyn suburbs, moved to the real suburbs, went through drug addictions, alcoholisms, body changes, different hair cuts, fell out of love, had affairs, suffered from betrayals, we're mean to each other, stopped being kind, and got a divorce. It's a human experience, it's a lot. This is my side of the story.

Traveling down route I-70 and I realize I left my debit card back home. Drinking, confusion, memories, and a new temporary bed. I see Molly and meet her autistic son, who cusses a lot.