Failure To Launch

Here's the scenario; You're writer/director Roger Avary. It's 1995. In the last two years, you've won a Best Original Screenplay oscar (Pulp Fiction) and had a successful directorial debut (Killing Zoe). For your next project, you'll be working with Rutger Hauer (Blade Runner) on a modern reboot of Frankenstein he's producing and starring in. Ron Perlman (The City of Lost Children, Hellboy) and Wil Wheaton (Star Trek: TNG) are also attached. What could go wrong?

Just about everything.

Awful dialogue, Year 8 pseudo-philosophy, inexplicable giant floating eyeballs and 40 goddamn minutes spent in a white void. There were severe 'creative differences' on set, and it shows. A waste of a Ron Jeremy cameo (Porn).

Reviewers: James Ferris, Andrew Cherry, Harry Brimage Soundboard: Lisa Dib

Show Notes: Mr. Stitch - Wikipedia Mr. Stitch - IMDB Review - Entertainment Weekly Wil Wheaton's Blog about Ron Jeremy

In 1994, the indie film Clerks won Kevin Smith critical acclaim and the beginnings of a cult following, praised for it's witty writing and authentic voice. Touchstone attempted to capitalise on the film's success by snapping up the TV rights and producing a pilot.

Trouble is, they wanted a family sitcom. So, uh, try to imagine Clerks without Jay & Silent Bob. Or swear words. Or sex talk. They also took all the charm out and made everyone a jerk. That didn't seem totally necessary for a sitcom, I think that's what they thought Clerks brought to the table? Either way, it's shit.

IMDB - Clerks (TV Pilot)

Lost Media Wiki - Clerks (TV Pilot)

Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Lisa Dib, Harry Brimage Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

Alex Franco is a tough New York cop investigating a rape and murder (like in Nikki & Nora) who gets frozen (like in 1994 Baker Street) and travels through time (like in Out of Time) to a dystopic future where all the world's terrorists have banded together (like in Nick Fury) and the cops use stupid guns (like in 17th Precinct) and unrealistic gene therapy (like in Fearless).

He has to team up with a distant relative (like in Out of Time again) who is now a dog (Poochinski, K-9000) to solve crimes whilst on a dirt bike (Evel Knievel) and wearing synthetic skin (Darkman) for a reality TV show (Hollyweird) about a fight between Angel and Demon-themed professional wrestlers (Earth Angels, Tag Team).

Okay, I started making things up somewhere in there, but this really is a Failure to Launch Cop Show Pilot greatest hits album.

NYPD 2069 - IMDB

Reviewers: James Ferris, Timothy Clark, Lisa Dib, Alex Malone, Harry Brimage Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

Two years before her big break as Xenia Onatopp in GoldenEye, Famke Janssen played another sexy femme fatale of sorts; World-famous, globe-trotting supermodel Lex. After seeing her best friend/same-birthday-haver Amy seriously injured in a carjacking, Lex begins a double life as Lady X, a sexy vigilante who uses her martial arts skills to fight crime in the name of downtrodden women everywhere.

Hmm. Well, we say fights crime, but the crimefighting stops being a priority for Lex pretty early on, if it ever was the priority. Also, we say in the name of women everywhere, but it's really only about Amy, and, um, she's probably fine, sooooo… Also also, we say sexy, but whenever Model By Day's attempts at sexy stray beyond, "Look, boobs", they get a little… confused.

Confusion is rife in this episode of Failure to Launch; this one took us a while to unpack. Rest assured, though, by the end we'll get to the bottom of everything that went wrong in Model By Day.

Except the StackHat. I'll never understand the StackHat.

Model By Day - IMDB

Reviewers: James Ferris, Lisa Dib, Harry Brimage Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

Failure to Launch is BACK with one of the most divisive, confused, dare we say Baffling™ pilots we've seen Crispin Glover try on jeans during.

Nicolas Cage, Crispin Glover and a slew of other teenagers bring us many, many, MANY vignettes of life as a 1980s All-American teen; a life that's often musical and only occasionally involves serious property damage and/or existential despair.

Also, Jackie Mason's there, playing a character with the last name 'O'Reilly'. We'd tell you more but, honestly, we're still not totally sure what this thing was.

Crispin Glover definitely tries on jeans though. That happened. We think.

The Best of Times (Wiki)

The Best of Times (IMDB)

Technical note: Failure to Launch now comes with Podcast Chapters! Aside from dividing the podcasts into neat little packages, you'll also get to see a different still from the pilot with each chapter. If this new format gives you any trouble, please please please let us know on Facebook or Twitter (@consumptionthe) and we'll try to sort something out.

Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Harry Brimage, Lisa Dib Soundboards: Alex Malone, Andrew Cherry