Failure To Launch

This week's Failure to Launch examines a 1977 sci-fi pilot, Exo-Man. Sounds fun, right?

It's about a brilliant scientist who, through amazing technology, builds a bulletproof, invincible robot suit. Sounds cool, right?

He faces off against the mob, who are out to kill him before he can testify in open court. Sounds exciting, right?

There's car bombs, shootouts, bank jobs, culminating in our hero losing the use of his legs in a targeted hit! Sounds thrilling, right?

It is!

Eventually.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Lisa Dib Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

This week Failure to Launch ponders Dr. Paradise, the story of the titular doctor, played by Frank Langella (Frost/Nixon), and his medical practice on a tiny tropical island. He's your classic grumpy arsehole doctor, so you'd expect him to have some redeeming feature to balance it out, right?

Well, add these things to the scale: He owns the island, he runs a casino, he bullies everyone around him and reminds them how much power he has over them and occasionally pulls his goldfish out of it's tank for not fully explained reasons. Whatever's on the redeeming end of the scale has to be pretty damn massive, right? Right?

Also, talking parrot.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Lucy Shaw, David Shaw Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

This week Failure to Launch examines B-Men, another CBS Summer Playhouse pilot. Jim, a smart, funny & handsome high schooler, & Kevin, a high schooler who's just smart and funny (ripped off), accidentally catch a criminal with a $25,000 bounty on his head. After this easy payday, they decide to get into bounty hunting despite still attending high school, not owning a gun and being complete idiots.

At this point, every other character threatens to kill them, including a really old bounty hunter with an unconvincing robot hand, some bikers and an invincible cartoon-physics murderer. They've got their wits though, so it bumbles along until a car explodes and some other stuff.

Contains trace amounts of Pauly Shore.

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Reviewers: James Ferris, Lisa Dib, Alex Malone Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

Failure to Launch enters a new year by going BACK IN TIME! Synergy!

This week we drop back to 1992 for a pilot that takes us to 1775, aptly titled '1775'. Someone at CBS thought the year before the violent, bloody American Revolution would be a good setting for some Married with Children alternate-universe fanfic, so that's what we've got.

The eldest daughter's kissing boys oh dear, Dad's a dud root, Mum hates him and there's two other kids but who gives a shit about them. It's set in 1775 though, so they run a tavern and Dad's cousin is George Washington (Adam West).

Anyway.

Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Alex Malone Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

Grab your crucifix and hold on tight! This ain't your grandmas christian television, it's time to get extreme!! With the book of Daniel; a hard edged and realistic look at the life of a modern christian family. Things are about to get real. We're talking drug abuse, racism, homophobia, drug trafficking, and internet piracy. NBC are ready to talk about all of this stuff in a direct and brave way that hopefully won't upset their very conservative audience. What's that? Complaints? Cancel it immediately. When 3 million dollars goes missing from the church funds Reverend Daniel Webster freaks out for a bit but then gets distracted making gay jokes about his son, playing golf and popping illegal prescription meds. Guided by Jesus on his quest to get the money back, he lies to his father, colludes with organised crime and gets a bishop hooked on pain killers. Jesus is weirdly quiet about all of this stuff but y'know, mysterious ways.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Martin Dunlop, Andrew Cherry Soundboard: David Shaw

This week's Failure to Launch covers Crowfoot, the story of Detective Nick, er, Crowfoot, a half-Native American cop working in Hawaii who has psychic powers and may also be able to shapeshift, although he's not sure about either of these things.

• You'd think this'd be enough to base a show on, but Crowfoot is also about:
• His partner Det. Lisa, an older Japanese-Hawaiian cop who's psychic for psychics (maybe)
• Rachael, a lady Nick found washed up on the beach with amnesia who keeps disappearing and reappearing
• Det. Nuzo, a grizzled cop who hates his ex-wife and seems mad he's not the main character like he normally would be in a show like this
• An arsehole divorce lawyer who's going through a divorce (get it?)
• Monk, the world's most suspicious man, who built a car that runs on garbage, and no-one acknowledges that this is a miracle

That is an incomplete list. It's been a while since we watched something this bonkers. Settle in.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Lucy Shaw, Lisa Dib, Harry Brimage Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

CW: Child abuse

This week's Failure to Launch covers Mason, a 1975 sitcom vehicle for child star Mason Reece. Mason was already famous nationally for a number of TV commercials, so getting him is own show was a sensible decision.

The next decision the show runners made, though... look, if the content warning didn't clue you in to this pilot's 'comedic' theme, let's just say this is the worst decision we've seen a pilot make in 85 episodes of Failure to Launch, bar none. If you ever wanted to hear Harry's brain explode, this is the episode for you.

Also, the manager of the hotel from The Shining is Mason's dad. So, there's that?

Reviewers: James Ferris, Lucy Shaw, David Shaw, Alex Malone Soundboard: Harry Brimage

It's a packed house on Failure to Launch this week as we examine Riverworld, a 2003 SyFy original, except it's not because it's based on a fantasy book series. Strap yourself in for some tedious world building!

Basically a bunch of people who died at different points in history wake up together, naked and screaming, in Riverworld; a big ol' planet run by aliens, probably.

Along their journey, our protagonists meet: - A neanderthal, whose savage attempts to kill people are bad - Emperor Nero, whose classy attempts to kill people are good! - Cameron Daddo, whose American accent is bad - A fish-alien dude, whose paddle-steamer building abilities are good!

Will they find out what Riverworld really is? Can they get back to Earth? Will these and other mysteries be solved? Absolutely not, this is a pilot. They can't blow this stuff early. Read the books if you're that desperate, nerd.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Lucy Shaw, David Shaw, Alex Malone, Harry Brimage Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

This week on FAILURE TO LAUNCH we shine a light on DARKLIGHT, a 2004 Sci-Fi Channel saga starring Shiri Appelby (Roswell, unREAL) and Richard Burgi (The Sentinel, Desperate Housewives), as they fight demons, mad scientists and the plague with the power of blackface!

Based on the Legend of Lilith, who God created to be Adam's wife, Lilith was supposed to live in the Garden of Eden but had the gall to ask to be treated equally so is cursed to live for eternity as a demon. Lilith isn't thrilled with this decision, and spends centuries viciously murdering all that cross her path.

Standing in the way of her vengeance is The Faith, a top-secret organization committed to killing Lilith but when they actually get the opportunity to kill Lilith, they just give her amnesia instead. Problem solved! Right?

Now working as a florist, Lilith seems fairly disinterested in learning anything about her past or what those giant stones are doing lodged in her arm. So, when a mad scientist turns himself into a plague-spreading demonicus that will bring about the apocalypse within a couple of days, Lilith does not give a shit and neither do we.

But understanding the urgency of the situation, The Faith immediately send a rollerblading courier to provide Lilith with really cryptic messages containing mysterious clues about her identity.

Can Lilith solve their riddles in time? Will The Faith just tell her what's happening? Why would an organization that only exists to kill Lilith, employ Lilith? Will this needlessly complex plot have a satisfying conclusion? Also how does blackface help you fight demons?

Tune in to another exciting episode of Failure to Launch to find out.

This week on FAILURE TO LAUNCH we trash GARBAGE PAIL KIDS, starring the voices of Tara Strong (Powerpuff Girls, Fairly Odd Parents, My Little Pony) Cree Summer (Inspector Gadget, Tiny Toons) and Alyson Court (X-Men, Beetlejuice).

Based on the popular trading cards of the 80s that were in turn a parody of the popular dolls "The Cabbage Patch Kids", Garbage Pail kids is a confusing fun mess.

The toys of the world are mysteriously going haywire and it's up to five garbage children and a hot dog to solve the mystery! But don't worry about that because the show starts with a UFO movie parody!

Giant ants invade the city! Overpriced toys! The Garbage Messiah! Adults hiding in bushes! Self Harm! A dirty old mattress factory! Slime! Men made of fingers and a security guard who has seen some shit! Shit you push down. Shit that never really leaves you. I need a drink.

And you will too!

So stick around and listen to what may be the strangest episode ever of Failure to Launch.