Failure To Launch

In this final instalment of The Summer Of Joe Lara, Rookie Cop Joe *EXPLOSION* his greatest foe; a beefier, taller version of *MASSIVE SHOOTOUT* incredible hair.

Just when Joe thinks *FLAMETHROWER* in jail forever, this anarchist-terrorist *BIGGER EXPLOSION* a Hologram Terrorist! *LASER PISTOLS* Joe must *MAD MAX-STYLE RAMMING TRUCK* before he *6 COP CARS EXPLODE* a hologram too!

*FORCE LIGHTNING* until *RETIRING COP DIES* *COPS WITH MACHINE GUNS* *ARMS RIPPED OFF* *MULTIPLE RUBBER MASKS* he *COP STANDING ON CAR SHOOTING AT LEAST 20 CRIMINALS DEAD* until *ACTORS WHO CAN'T DELIVER ZINGERS DELIVERING ZINGERS* *FORGETTABLE EXPLOSIONS* *HOLOGRAM BATTLE* *LIMO EXPLOSION*

Reviewers: James Ferris, Lisa Dib, Harry Brimage Soundboard: *EXPLOSION*

Our second Joe Jaunt™ is a piece from the twilight of his cinema career, Starfire Mutiny, another post-apocalyptic sci fi, this time with a complete absence of American Cyborgs (boooo.)

Joe captains the USS Legacy, a massive cryo ship orbiting a dead Earth, holding the last remnants of humanity in stasis. It's a dull life; a good part of his day to day job is porn distribution (seriously.)

But when a band of space pirates show up, led by the world's most low energy white supremacist, things quickly get even more boring and extremely sleazy goddamn this film is dogshit.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Andrew Cherry, Harry Brimage Soundboard: Lisa Dib

Longtime Failure to Launch listeners will be familiar with the work of Joe Lara, either as Tarzan in Tarzan in Manhattan or DJ Matt in Danger Island. You'll also be aware of our undying affection for the man, and his superb list of b-movie credits on IMDB: STEEL FRONTIER. HOLOGRAM MAN. FINAL EQUINOX. VERY MEAN MEN.

Despite the fact that these are films, not TV pilots, we at Failure to Launch could not leave these glorious titles unexamined. So, over this Australian summer, we're submersing ourselves in the waters of Joe Lara's oeuvre (which, turns out, is full of cyborgs.)

First cab off the rank is American Cyborg: Steel Warrior, a post-apocalyptic tale in which Joe, The Man With No Name Who's Name Is Austin, must save a young woman and her very-dead-looking-fetus-in-a-tube from a killer cyborg with a killer moustache. It's everything you'd hope it to be; cheap, ambitious, produced by the guys who did Superman IV and Over The Top (the Stallone film about arm wrestling), and it has Joe Lara! Get listening.

In this week's episode of Failure to Launch we follow undercover agent Delilah (Kim Cattrall, Sex in the City) working with Billy Zane (Billy Zane, BILLY FUCKING ZANE) to take down a weapon smuggling crime boss from the inside. But when her cover is blown, a deadly game of cat and mou... nope, nevermind, they kill her straight away.

Delilah is brought back to life with a science montage and turned into a crime fighting machine (literally). As Delilah and BILLY ZANE (Billy Zane!) work together to stop a terrorist getting his hands on a nuclear weapon, the sparks fly (literally) as the bad guys wilt under Delilah's (literally) steely gaze and massive structural damage (literally).

Did we mention Billy Zane is in this?

Running Delilah - IMDB Running Delilah - Wiki

Reviewers: James Ferris, Lucy Shaw, Harry Brimage, Alex Malone Soundboard: David Shaw

1979 was the perfect time to cash in on the Star Wars craze, so what better way than to make the Beverly Hillbillies in the Mos Eisley Cantina.

We follow the Mcallisters getting through breakfast, a singer desperate for a job, a talent agent who can't get no respect, a megalomaniacal Billionaire intent on buying up all the apple pies, a pair of very sexual Scottish robots and a black guy punching a really big egg.

This may be one of the most insane shows we've ever seen. So get yourself some apple pie, a nice warm glass of merk (yes, merk), and relax to our screams of confusion. It's a doozy.

IMDB - Starstruck

Den of Geek - Interview with Starstruck VFX Artist Chuck Cirino

Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Lisa Dib Soundboard: David Shaw

This week's Failure to Launch sees the return of a horse of course. Of course, if you're making a show about a talking horse, of course that horse will be a family-friendly lovable horse, unless of course that horse is Mr. Ed.

Fearing that the concept may be a bit dated for modern audiences, Fox cast George Jefferson himself (or at least Sherman Hemsley), to transform Mr. Ed from a talking horse into a straight-talking horse. Apparently in 2004, we really wanted Mr. Ed to be edgy.

If you've ever thought; "If only Mr. Ed was a misogynistic homophobe that spoke endlessly about his sex-life and fifteen year-old girls", then you have some serious issues that need resolving, but this is also the perfect show for you. Because for the next 19 minutes, this is exactly what we get.

Meanwhile, Wilbur Pope, has a problem (well he has many problems but we'll get to those later); his fifteen year-old daughter has gone to a club and vomited, so naturally, he upends his entire family from New York and moves them to the kidnapping capital of the world, Granite Falls, where he plans to run a legal practice out of his barn.

But if you think this sounds like the actions of a desperate father spiraling out of control, you would be wrong! Because apparently that horse that's just wandered into his law-barn is talking to him, and he's going to stop Wilbur from getting pushed around.

Within minutes of meeting Wilbur, Ed becomes obsessed with preventing Wilbur's daughter from having sex. While we may never know why he is so heavily invested in this, we do know that he is definitely willing to maim a teenage boy over it.

It's probably fair to say this version of Mr. Ed isn't the horse we all know and love, but you have to understand it was 2004, and audiences just expected horses to hate teenagers, hippies, and women.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, David Shaw Soundboard: Lisa Dib

This week's Failure to Launch journeys NOT to the center of the Earth, but just a bit under it to The Inner World, a land of miniature sets, puppet Space Manta Rays and liberal Yetis.

After his uncle Harlech's attempt to get to this Inner World fails (spectacularly, if also predictably), Captain Chris Turner assembles a crew of generic TV sci-fi types, the world's most English Englishman and one really angry bloke and sets off after him.

At least, we think for him. They're also after the supposed treasures of the Inner World, which include new food sources, limitless energy and space age technology, all of which their ship already has oh fuck this thing is a glorious mess just listen we'll do our best to explain.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Andrew Cherry Soundboard: David Shaw

This week's episode sees the return of Failure to Launches most divisive star, Jessica Simpson, in a 2004 pilot built on one simple fact of life; Beautiful women will instantly turn any male into a desperate blabbering idiot and any woman into a raging ball of jealousy. We meet Holly and Joe, two snobbish, intellectually elitist journalists - who we're supposed to love I think? - who are forced to work with the kind-hearted, yet dumb as a post singer Jessica Sampson. Cruel sniping and hilarious workplace sexual harassment ensues.

And although the show might occasionally get a little un-pc, in the end it pulls together for a heartfelt message that all young women, nay all people can rally behind; Ladies, if you want a man to like you (and we know that every single one of you thinks about nothing but that at all hours of the day) then don't talk to him, let him get to know the real you and use that mouth for smiling. Not talking. Boys hate that.

So join us as we become frequently distracted from the barely existent story to focus on more important issues. Such as, the conduct of Russian McDonalds employees, whether Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift right for each other and the funniest way to mispronounce hippopotamus.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Alex Malone, David Shaw, Lisa Dib Soundboard: Harry Brimage

IMDB - Jessica New York Times article on Jessica's failure

Portrayed by Norman Bates himself, the great Anthony Perkins absolutely nails this surprisingly ok three camera sitcom.

We follow Elizabeth (Anthony's new wife) as she tries to adjust to life with the Stracks and living in the shadow of a massive portrait of Anthony's deceased wife.

When Elizabeth takes down the painting and unleashes Anthony's ex wife's spirit it's up to Anthony to look dead into the camera and make puns with the speed and determination of a serial killer.

We absolutely loved this bizzare Adams family meets Married with children-esque show and we're sure you will too.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Lisa Dib Soundboard: David Shaw

Guests Michael Williams and Sarah Baggs (of Pop Quiz Hot Shot and It's A Duck Blur fame) join us to ask the question: Is the new Benedict Cumberbatch movie the true live action Dr. Strange, or does it need more boring lasers, villainous poops and guys called Wong who definitely aren't servants?

When the aforementioned evil poo sends Morgan le Fay to Earth on a mission to kill the Sorcerer Supreme, it's up to Dr Strange to try to get laid and kinda hope that lines up with stopping le Fay. This makes sense, because this was made in 1978 - the hair is 70s, the special effects are 70s, the racism/sexism is 70s etc. This is maybe the most 70s thing we've watched.

Either way, before you go see the new Dr Strange, give this a listen first. Nothing improves a film like lowered expectations. You're welcome.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Michael Williams, Sarah Baggs & Alex Malone Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

IMDB - Dr. Strange Wiki - Dr. Strange