Failure To Launch

Ever wondered what it would be like to run a circus? Chartered Accountant Mac Galpin hadn't, but that didn't prevent him from 'accidentally' buying one, deciding to run it rather than on-selling the assets and forcing his family to join him on this foolhardy quest, as pre-2000s TV dads were want to do.

This is the premise of Sawdust, another pilot from the late-80s CBS Summer Playhouse (oh, how we love you, you bottomless shitbarrel.) That said, it's less about circus administration and more about… unionised workforces versus the ruling class? I think? Also, there's a sexy gorilla at one point.

There's a lot going on, and not much going on at the same time. This is the paradox of bad television, and Sawdust does not disappoint.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Lisa Dib, David Shaw Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

Cam Tyeson joins us to discover: What happens when you take the star power and sex appeal of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and replace it with the, um... general pleasantness of Jordana Brewster and Martin Henderson? The answer is domestic abuse, sadly. Go figure.

Brewster and Henderson fill in for the roles as Jane and John Smith, an average suburban couple who are secretly highly paid contract killers and who less secretly hate each other.

When John loses his job, this former professional murderer decides to reroute that energy into obsessively stalking his own wife. Sounds like an improvement, right? (It's not.)

So join us as we watch these two crazy lovebirds bicker and kill their way across Prague. It's a wacky and romantic action adventure with a hero who impulsive backhands his wife in the mouth when she disobeys him. If you love laughs, thrills and potentially fatal spousal abuse then what's wrong with you? Seriously, thats awful. Why would you like that? Get some help. But you'll probably dig this episode at least, you monster.

Find Cam on Twitter!

Reviewers: James Ferris, Cam Tyeson, Andrew Cherry Soundboard: David Shaw

To make any sense of Justice League of America, you need to remember that Lois and Clark was a big thing. Which is why there's no Superman. Batman and Robin was also a thing, so there's no Batman.

Lois and Clark being a thing might also explain why the pilot's mostly about relationships rather than, I dunno, superhero stuff. Lois and Clark doesn't explain the stalking though. Or the JLA kidnapping people. Or the odd casting choices. Or why the writers couldn't think of anything remotely useful for the Atom to do.

The 90s does explain David Krumholtz, though. We love you, David Krumholtz.

IMDB - Justice League of America Wiki - Justice League of America

Reviewers: James Ferris, Fabian Lapham, Lisa Dib, David Shaw Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

What to say about Parallels? I could tell you about how the most sympathetic character in the show is gun toting conspiracy theorist, who sets out to bomb his own people with nuclear weapons. I could tell you that the main characters are a desperate whining loser with an severely unhealthy crush, a violent bully without a Facebook account and a bratty sociopath who considers their impending death a time to make jokes and get laid. These are our heroes. So likeable!

I could tell you about how these monstrous jerks end up in a magical skyscraper, chasing their mysterious (and frankly deranged) father across a multiverse of parallel universes, while being chased by three of the ugliest sons of bitches you've ever seen. Just… damn. Those dudes. Gross.

But all I really need to tell you is that it's Sliders. It's just basically Sliders and that was alright wasn't it? Yeah this is kind of alright too I suppose.

Oh also I think there's a girl in there or something. She might be brunette. I'm not sure, they didn't really get into it.

Find Martin on Twitter, or check out his website Nihilisticles!

Wiki - Parallels IMDB - Parallels

Reviewers: James Ferris, Martin Dunlop, Andrew Cherry Soundboard: Lisa Dib

Talent shows are the shredded iceberg lettuce to broadcast TVs salad; a great space filler that, while nutritionally void, is hard to get wrong. You just need talent, or failing that, star power.

(Alternately, core it first, remove the thinnest leaves, chop finely and refrigerate until serving #icebergtips)

But what if you have neither? Well, you get Secret Talents of the Stars, a show where you can watch B to C list celebrities a) do something one step removed from what they're already famous for, b) do something they're not great at, or c) do something they're really quite bad at.

(Alternately, a) rocket lettuce can work if dressed to counter it's iron-rich bitterness, b) carrots & radish, grated at length and topped with ginger and lime zest is a Thai-inspired delight, or c) cabbage is a reasonable swap, but be sure to finely slice any coarse leaves to prevent them from overwhelming any subtler flavours in your salad #greensRgreat)

Or, d) watch George Takei put on a cowboy hat and have some dickhead hurl homophobic slurs at him.

You know what? Iceberg lettuce sucks.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Claire Sullivan, Andrew Cherry Soundboard: Harry Brimage

Claire is performing in 2 shows at this year's Melbourne Fringe Festival, because she's an intrepid go getter: PO PO MO CO and I Wish I Owned A Hotel For Dogs. Check them out! Also, find her on Facebook and Twitter!

Ever heard of The Bradys? In 1990, ABC were kicking afternoon butt with the Full House/Family Matters power hour, and CBS needed something to compete. Why not steal ABCs own Brady Family and use them against ABC?

Starring the original now-20-years-older cast, The Bradys reworked the original sitcom into a dramedy, with the following setup:

- Bobby is a former racecar driver, paraplegic after a crash - Peter is trapped in an abusive relationship - Jan and her partner are unable to conceive - Marcia is an alcoholic whose husband is fired by Mike

It still had a laugh track.

The show was canned after 6 episodes due to poor ratings. Some suggest that Uncle Jesse and Urkel were a source of unlimited power foolishly squandered, but others suspect a) the characters were worn out and b) even i they weren't no-one wanted to see the most innocent characters TV ever saw thrust into such cartoonishly adult situations.

If this sounds like a colossal train wreck, bear this in mind; NBC tried to do the same thing with Archie comics 2 months later and fucked it up worse.

Wiki - Archie: To Riverdale and Back Again IMDB - Archie: To Riverdale and Back Again Cult Oddities' entry on this pilot People Magazine's review from 1990

Reviewers: James Ferris, Lisa Dib, David Shaw Soundboard: Alex Malone

Dean Cain plays a Louisiana cop who is also a priest and a little league coach. But things get complicated when he shoots down one of his former baseball players, putting him under investigation by internal affairs. Things become additionally complicated when his ex lover is embroiled in a political scandal of murder and blackmail.

Things get really complicated when he starts being haunted by the ghost of Robert Patrick who doesn't seem to want to help with anything at all. Shit gets just plain messy when that ghost cop has his own murder at the hands of prohibition era gangsters to solve and finally everything just basically falls apart when his partner starts telling him stories about alligators.

How do all these events tie together? They don't. But it's Dean Cain! Isn't he great?

IMDB - Rag and Bone

Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Andrew Cherry Soundboard: David Shaw

Here's the scenario; You're writer/director Roger Avary. It's 1995. In the last two years, you've won a Best Original Screenplay oscar (Pulp Fiction) and had a successful directorial debut (Killing Zoe). For your next project, you'll be working with Rutger Hauer (Blade Runner) on a modern reboot of Frankenstein he's producing and starring in. Ron Perlman (The City of Lost Children, Hellboy) and Wil Wheaton (Star Trek: TNG) are also attached. What could go wrong?

Just about everything.

Awful dialogue, Year 8 pseudo-philosophy, inexplicable giant floating eyeballs and 40 goddamn minutes spent in a white void. There were severe 'creative differences' on set, and it shows. A waste of a Ron Jeremy cameo (Porn).

Reviewers: James Ferris, Andrew Cherry, Harry Brimage Soundboard: Lisa Dib

Show Notes: Mr. Stitch - Wikipedia Mr. Stitch - IMDB Review - Entertainment Weekly Wil Wheaton's Blog about Ron Jeremy

In 1994, the indie film Clerks won Kevin Smith critical acclaim and the beginnings of a cult following, praised for it's witty writing and authentic voice. Touchstone attempted to capitalise on the film's success by snapping up the TV rights and producing a pilot.

Trouble is, they wanted a family sitcom. So, uh, try to imagine Clerks without Jay & Silent Bob. Or swear words. Or sex talk. They also took all the charm out and made everyone a jerk. That didn't seem totally necessary for a sitcom, I think that's what they thought Clerks brought to the table? Either way, it's shit.

IMDB - Clerks (TV Pilot)

Lost Media Wiki - Clerks (TV Pilot)

Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Lisa Dib, Harry Brimage Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

Alex Franco is a tough New York cop investigating a rape and murder (like in Nikki & Nora) who gets frozen (like in 1994 Baker Street) and travels through time (like in Out of Time) to a dystopic future where all the world's terrorists have banded together (like in Nick Fury) and the cops use stupid guns (like in 17th Precinct) and unrealistic gene therapy (like in Fearless).

He has to team up with a distant relative (like in Out of Time again) who is now a dog (Poochinski, K-9000) to solve crimes whilst on a dirt bike (Evel Knievel) and wearing synthetic skin (Darkman) for a reality TV show (Hollyweird) about a fight between Angel and Demon-themed professional wrestlers (Earth Angels, Tag Team).

Okay, I started making things up somewhere in there, but this really is a Failure to Launch Cop Show Pilot greatest hits album.

NYPD 2069 - IMDB

Reviewers: James Ferris, Timothy Clark, Lisa Dib, Alex Malone, Harry Brimage Soundboard: Andrew Cherry