Failure To Launch

This week we examine Driving Miss Daisy, an attempt by CBS to cash in on the Oscar winning film by converting it into a laugh-a-minute sitcom, with such wacky antics as "Hoke fixes the cabinet door", and "Miss Daisy meets Eleanor Roosevelt and it goes fine."

This sounds dull (and it is), so it might surprise you to know that this pilot garnered protests when it aired in 1992. Give this episode a listen and… you just might understand why.

Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Fabian Lapham

Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

From the Book of Failure, S2-16:

"The man, who was named Ferris, toiled in the fields of the Internet, searching for a pilot which was of formidable quality. He went up from Rutube.ru to Torrentfreak, but he would not be satisfied, and no merchant of pilots whose lights were not green could impress him with his wares.

After many days wandering the desert of Wiki, he collapsed, and at this time the Lord of Bad Pilots appeared to him in a vision, taking the forms of Billy Zane and Adrianne Palicki. "Oh Lord", cried Ferris, "End my suffering! Provide unto me a hyperlink to the pilot which shall destroy television, and bring about the end of all screen entertainment!"

With these words, the Lord Billy Zane did smile upon him, as the Lord Adrianne Palicki speaketh, "Don't really have anything like that. We've got this thing called Gay Robot though. Will that do?"

"Fuckin' done!" cried Ferris

And then Ferris saw some children, and he cursed them in the name of the Lord. And two she-bears came out of the woods and tore forty-two of the boys*."

*That bit is from 2 Kings 2:23-24. Seemed appropriate though.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Alex Malone, Andrew Cherry

Soundboard: Fabian Lapham

This week we examine Blood Ties, a 1991 attempt to bring the "vampires live among us, and they're SEXY" genre to life over a decade before HBO did it with True Blood.

The problem, however, was that this was a network show. So where HBO added sex appeal into True Blood with Tons o' Nudity and Sex™, Blood Ties had to settle for sexy innuendos. When it turned out they couldn't write sexy innuendos (there's a twinkie metaphor that isn't the obvious one), they tried adding incest to spice things up, which is akin to spicing up a curry with a small chemical fire.

Also, one of the vampires was named Corey Puckett. Even without the incest, this was the level of sexiness we were working with.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Alex Malone

Soundboard: David Shaw

This week's FtL examines Mickey & Nora, a boilerplate 80s sitcom about the travails of a young newly-married couple and their wacky, disgraced West-African dictator sidekick, Colonel Ntsunge. And wacky side-characters don't come much wackier than the Colonel, as he bumbles through American customs, mispronounces catch phrases, and threatens his political enemies with ethnic cleansing.

Mickey is a former CIA agent now working as a go-go eighties lawyer, only (wouldn't-ya-know-it) nobody believes he's left the agency! And for some reason everybody knows that he was in the agency! And he still acts and works and behaves like he's in the agency!! And - I can't stress this enough - his best friend is a disgraced Senegalese dictator hell bent on returning to power. It kind of seems like he's still in the agency!

Only he can't be in the agency, see, because if was still in the agency then that would mean he wouldn't be allowed to nail his wife... and he really, really, really wants to nail his wife. Like, give it a rest Mickey. There are people over. People who have been charged with war crimes.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Andrew Cherry, Alex Malone

Soundboard: Harry Brimage

Channing Taylor is a cop from the future who's out to prove that policing is a people's job and not a computer's. So he goes back in time to convince his Grandpa (Bill Maher) that Adam Ant's evil plot to cure all diseases has to be stopped, and the only way to do it is to break every time travel rule and irreparably ruin the future. But Bill Maher is determined to make policing a computer's job and not a people's.

Can Channing and Grandpa see eye to eye? Can you wrap a man in fruit loops? Can you cut to every single shot in a feature length pilot with the sound of a broken jack-in-the-box? Only TIME will tell.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Alex Malone, David Shaw

Soundboard: Fabian Lapham

This week, Failure to Launch examines Faceless, a gritty crime drama in which Game of Thrones star Sean Bean actually lives to the end credits for once! Although the opening scene is him getting shot in the face. So y'know, grain of salt.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Martin Dunlop, Lisa Dib, Alex Malone

Soundboard: Harry Brimage

Sam Elliott brings his distinctive southern charm to this series about the beloved dare-devil travelling the country with his trusty pit crew. Along the way they deal out action, adventure and good old fashioned 70s style misogyny you just like your dad used to make.

But, when Evel threatened by a female stunt rider, him and the boys must band together and do everything they can to put this young upstart back in her place. But, when Evel is threatened by a mad bomber, determined to end his career and his life, him and the boys don't really give two shits.

And neither will you! We promise.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Lisa Dib, Martin Dunlop

Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

The year is 1998 and the world has recently discovered ironic detachment. Scream 2 is but a fading memory, and Scream 3 is still a glimmer in Courtney Cox-Arquette's eye. Somebody had to fill that gap.

In steps Shaun Cassidy, Failure to Launch's favourite snow globe enthusiast-cum-director, with another snow globe filled romp. It's fun. It's sexy. It's shot like a Smash Mouth video. It's almost certainly meta.

Two aspiring film-makers team up with a generic 90s slacker-dude to make 1998's most daring reality show: Hollyweird. They bait, trap and torture suspected criminals, all on film, and all while apparently evading legal sanction.

Then they have a nice pot of Ovaltine. At least I think they do. Or at least we spent a long time speculating that they might. Or on what exactly Ovaltine is. It's all a little hazy. All I know is that Americans should at least consider drinking Milo.

Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Harry Brimage, Alex Malone

Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

This week's pilot documents the real-life exploits of several couples who practise "the lifestyle", and what a life style it is! There's terrible parties, clumsy innuendo and even the occasional game of truth or dare. Well, that, and constant extra-marital affairs, so it's not all lame.

This reality series about suburban swingers aired 2 episodes, so it's not technically a failed pilot. But as Neighbors with Benefits teaches us, it's not cheating if it doesn't break the rules.

Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Fabian Lapham

Soundboard: Alex Malone

In this week's unexpectedly raunchy episode of Failure to Launch, we examine Island City, a world ravaged by formerly-human-now-super-strong-neanderthals, the victims of a genetic experiment gone wrong. The remnants of humanity cower inside the fortress-like Island City, desperately searching for a cure.

Well… I've used words like "cower" and "desperate", but for the most part everyone's really relaxed about the whole situation. So much so, that when a rescue worker is lost in the mutant-infested wasteland and given 48 hours to live, the rest of his team just grab a drink, catch up on some sleep, kinda, y'know, have a bit of R&R. Just 48 hours of "me" time.

Also, Abraham Lincoln hits on someone's mum. Oh, and there's eugenics, and everyone's cool with it (including the writers). This was a weird one.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Alex Malone, David Shaw

Soundboard: Fabian Lapham