Failure To Launch

Welcome to Shangri-La Plaza, an all singing, all dancing strip mall where everything you need is under one roof. Provided you're somehow capable of sustaining yourself on donuts, frozen yogurt and child neglect.

Along for the ride is the world's most indignant cafe employee (who is as likeable as she sounds), a crippled gang leader (who is even less threatening than he sounds) and a precocious 8 year old (who is actually fine. We've got no beef with her).

Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Alex Malone

Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

This week's Failure to Launch examines an attempt to reboot 1965's Lost in Space for the early 2000s. As with any reworking of a series with a strong, loyal fan base, it's important to carefully examine the source material, find the elements that made the show work, then make those elements the core of a modern, exciting retelling, that pays loving homage to the original series.

Thing is, the element they took from the original was Dad Knows Best™. And what Dad reckons sounds best is uprooting his family and dragging them across killer alien-infested space to start a new life on a farming colony, even though his family's opinion on the matter ranges from "I'd rather not" to "I will never forgive you for this", and there's no particular reason to go beyond Dad Knows Best™. Dad may be legitimately insane.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Alex Malone

Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

WARNING: This episode contains multiple Nathan Cavaleri references. Apologies to people who didn't grow up in Australia in the early 90s.

In further proof that The Consumption will watch anything that Billy Zane puts his name to, we travel this week to the vast fantasy world of Robert Jordan's 14-volume Wheel of Time series. Or, rather, one house in the vast fantasy world of Robert Jordan's 14-volume Wheel of Time series. Or one smoke filled room in one house in the vast fantasy world of Robert Jordan's 14-volume Wheel of Time.

It's the story of one man's desperate search for his wife and family, which ends in anticlimax when it turns out he's just playing hide and seek. Or tragedy when you consider that he's hallucinating and murdered them days ago.

Either way, we'd watch paint dry if the paint was played by Billy Zane. He could do it too. He's got the range.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Alex Malone

Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

How about a modern adaption of a literary classic, created by Martin Scorsese & Dean Koontz, starring Parker Posey and Adam Goldberg? Sound good? It sure sounded good to USA Network in 2004.

Except all they got out of it was your standard gritty cop show. Except it stars a modern day Frankenstien. Except he's not called Frankenstien. Except the show is called Frankenstien. Except there's...

God dammit, this thing's a mess.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Andrew Cherry, Harry Brimage, Alex Malone

Soundboard: David Shaw

What do you think of when you think of Nick Fury? War hero? Super spy? Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D? Well, in the 90's, he was all of those, only he was still a smoker. Oh, and he was played by DAVID FREAKIN' HASSELHOFF.

In '98 the former Baywatch star played the comic book legend in a portrayal that Stan Lee and The Hoff himself agreed was better than "that other guy". No one else did, apart from a few bad poetry enthusiasts and hobbyist miners.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Fabian Lapham, Andrew Cherry, Harry Brimage

Soundboard: David Shaw

For everyone who watched Stargate and thought, "I wish this had more Nazis!", comes "The Time Tunnel". A remake of the classic 60s sci-fi series in which a group of scientists, soldiers and a polygraph operator with a peanut obsession travel through time, saving history from the reality warping effects of a "time storm".

So if you're curious about what would happen if New Jersey didn't exist, what the hell a "time storm" is or what it it takes to make Ferris sympathise with Nazis, then this episode is for you!

Reviewers: James Ferris, Fabian Lapham, Andrew Cherry, Harry Brimage

Soundboard: David Shaw

*Episode now includes the clip explaining "the 240", which was previously erased from time by a Belgian.

The season 2 premiere of Failure to Launch examines the pilot for Tarzan In Manhattan, a fun, light hearted romp involving murder, animal torture and post-traumatic stress disorder.

When Tarzan's ape-mum (she was in the book), played by some dude in a gorilla suit (not in the book), is shot and inexplicably left behind by poachers, Tarzan heads for the Big Apple to track down her assassins (sort of in the book). Along the way he meets Jane (she was in the book), a tough New York cabbie (not like that though) and her dad, a PTSD-suffering ex-cop private detective whose favourite disguise is Elizabethan dandy (fuck the book at this point).

Can Tarzan keep his clothes on long enough to find his mother's killer and rescue his chimpanzee friend before Jane's dad shoots yet another person with one of the several guns he probably shouldn't own?

Reviewers: James Ferris, Fabian Lapham, David Shaw

Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

In this Christmas themed season finale of Failure to Launch, we examine the pilot for Miracle Man. An independently produced pilot, shopped to a few Christian networks, the series asked the question, quote, "What would it look like if Jesus came today?"

By "came", they mean lived in Phoenix repairing foreclosed houses, running a faith healing/prayer group out the back of some store that's totally not a cult, saving children from car accidents with his psychic powers,* and not bothering to use those powers when blue demons arrange for his Best Buddy™ Lazarus to die in a car accident as a way to crush JC's will.

Luckily for JC, he doesn't really care if his friends die, so... all good.

*Yep.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Lucy Shaw

Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

Terminator fans and robot fetishists rejoice! This week's pilot features a secret conspiracy of world domination, and an inexplicably British protagonist who sleeps with not one but two lady robots.

In 1986 NBC commissioned Annihilator, a pilot about a man who discovers that humans are being replaced by dog killing, limb severing, chain smoking robot dopple-gangers. Obviously, his immediate reaction is to tell everyone and act completely surprised when nobody believes him. His second plan is to perform a ridiculous amount of property damage, trust anyone who puts out, and then frame his crimes on homeless people.

Longtime listeners will understand this - get ready for an Invincible-level pilot.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Lucy Shaw, Alex Malone, David Shaw

Soundboard: Harry Brimage

It was 1992, and NBC aired a made-for-TV movie (code for failed pilot) based around a crime fighting robot dinosaur. You would think that NBC's blatant cash in on Robosaurus' popularity would actually feature the 2.2 million dollar car eating machine, but if you've been listening to our show then you should know better.

In a post global warming future (it's a little bit warm), we follow the story of David Nash, an ace cop trying (and failing) to come to terms with the death of his child. He puts everything in jeopardy to pursue his son's killer, a man who pretends to be a Colonel and has a warehouse full of super suspicious boxes.

Then Nash meets a man who claims to be magic and ejaculates up the ghost of his dead son in the form of a giant robot Dinosaur after he learns to believe in himself. Not a comedy.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Fabian Lapham

Soundboard: Andrew Cherry