Failure To Launch

Earlier this year, Amazon boldly invested in a TV pilot that tried to dissuade their customers from using the Internet. Unfortunately/fortunately for Amazon their risk didn't pay off, and now we may never really know the mysteries of the "Hysteria" universe.

A universe where everyone freaks out over a contagion that only infects three people (maybe). A universe where Laura San Giacomo plays an elderly grandmother. A universe where the only cure for this mystery illness is not spending 9 hours at your computer watching the same YouTube video.

Might not be that implausible though, considering we live in a universe where a show that thinks a viral video could spread an actual virus was made in 2014 by an internet-based company.

Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Harry Brimage

Soundboard: Alex Malone

Anne Rice is one of the most beloved horror authors of the modern era. After the runaway success of her Vampire Chronicles, the middling success of her Lives of the Mayfair Witches and the bewildering publication of her middle school diary, Rice was ready to move to TV!

In 2001, she wrote the pilot for the original series, Earth Angels, detailing the secret war between armies of Angels and Demons for the souls of all mankind.

Although, it's not really a war. More of a series of petty spats and arguments. And there's really no armies, more like a volleyball team's worth of angels and, like, 3 demons, absolute max. And it's not really a TV show, because in a TV show stuff happens.

But it does have Krycek from the X-Files. So, there's that.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Alex Malone, David Shaw

Soundboard: Fabian Lapham

1994 was a big year for TV. ER. Friends. The episode of Ellen where she dated Nitro from American Gladiators. Which could explain how CBS executives dared to pass on the pilot for Sherlock Holmes Returns, in which the world's greatest detective is unfrozen in 1994 San Francisco to solve a series of murders that involve throwing tigers at people.

With a wit as sharp as Holmes himself and an enthusiasm as pure as the drugs he'll fight you for, this show will change the way you think about cement trucks full of beetles.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Fabian Lapham, David Shaw

Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

It was 1996, and Marvel wanted to do a live-action X-Men TV series.

But these weren't your granddad's X-Men! Heck no! These were hip, young X-Men that no one's ever heard of or cares about, with amazing new powers like sexual harassment, kinda ripping off Cyclops and being quite muscular for a girl!

When these kids go up against a dream invading pedophile (it doesn't come up much, but it's in there) it's thrill-a-minute stuff, packed with high impact diatribes about new age meditation techniques and electrifying casual misogyny!

Reviewers: James Ferris, Fabian Lapham, Alex Malone, Harry Brimage

Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

After Psycho 3 flopped at the box office in 1986, Universal thought TV might be a better home for the Psycho series. The success of 2014's Bates Motel suggests that Universal had hit upon a good idea.

It's the other ideas they had, though. Like Lori Petty's chicken suit. Or Robert Picardo's mental health treatment plan. Or Moses Gunn's armed standoff with the police that no one cares about. Or the sleazy 80s Banker's plan for the Bates Motel. Or the bit where a 35 year old woman almost makes out with 17ish year old Jason Bateman.

It's these other ideas that form the batshit curio that is 1987's Bates Motel. It wasn't picked up. You won't wonder why.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Fabian Lapham, Andrew Cherry, Harry Brimage

Soundboard: David Shaw

In 2005, the unaired pilot for Global Frequency gained a little infamy; it was one of the first TV pilots to ever leak onto the internet. The WB had already passed on the pilot, so it's possible whoever leaked it was trying to get the network to change their minds.

According to Warren Ellis, who created the comic this series was based on, the leaking annoyed the WB execs so much they killed the entire project, despite a positive reception it received from those who torrented it. That is possible, but with all due respect to Warren Ellis*, it may also have been killed because The WB wasn't interested in a show about a spy agency who specialises in conference calls.

*Seriously. Go read Transmetropolitan. Or Supergod. They're amazing.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Alex Malone, David Shaw, Andrew Cherry

Soundboard: Fabian Lapham

The year is 2025. The Hawaiian Liberation Organisation wants Hawaii to secede from the North American Alliance. War seems inevitable, until Dean Cain, the most popular man in the world, steps in and announces the war will be decided by a game of FutureSport, the dumbest fictional sport since Quiddich. The world agrees to this.

Turns out, in 2025, every man, woman & child in the world is a goddamn idiot.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Fabian Lapham, Alex Malone

Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

Gaia Moore (Rachael Leigh Cook) was born without the gene for fear (not a thing). Because of this, her body doesn't produce adrenaline, so she has heightened strength and reflexes (also not a thing). The FBI send her undercover into an identity theft ring who are convinced she's not a cop because she's not scared of stuff (maybe a thing? Are hackers really dumb?)

Turns out, not feeling fear isn't all that useful. Even against milk*.

*Just listen to the podcast. We'll try to explain.

Reviewers: James Ferris, Alex Malone, Harry Brimage

Soundboard: David Shaw

In January 2006, ABC had a lot invested in Emily's Reasons Why Not. A racy, light-hearted comedy in the vein of Sex and the City, starring Heather Graham at the peak of her fame, and based on a best selling novel.

They spent millions on publicity, covered Los Angeles and Times Square in billboards and dropped it into a prime spot as the centrepiece of their post-football Monday night prime time. Then, after airing only a single episode, it was yanked from the air and disappeared immediately.

Some say their decision was a little rash. Too little too late, if you ask us.

Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Harry Brimage

Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

Episode S01E15 of Failure to Launch is here, and it completes our "Supernatural: Before They Were Famous" pilot collection.

Still Life follows the Morgan family, as they struggle with the death of the eldest child, killed on his first day on the police force. It's like 7th Heaven, if it was darker and had more people in strip clubs talking about the time a building collapsed inside their bodies or something.

Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Andrew Cherry

Soundboard: Harry Brimage