Fear of Failure, a Lifelong Search for Love and Fulfillment

I needed some vacation time. When Mary suggested we visit her aging parents in Minneapolis, Minnesota I jumped at the idea. We could write the trip off on our taxes if we went to Minnesota for veterinary stuff, so I coordinated the trip to coincide with the annual meeting of the Minnesota Veterinary Association where I attended various lectures. We drove to San Francisco, arranging to spend the night with Chuck and Barbie before boarding the plane the next morning. We arrived in San Francisco in a festive mood. However, the festivities quickly withered when we realized Chuck and Barbie needed our help moving into a new flat.

My career took another challenging turn when I decided to offer my veterinary services to ostrich owners. Once again I pushed myself into a steep learning curve to become proficient at doctoring this new and unfamiliar seven-foot-tall bird.

Alan from the Atascadero Zoo called me. Chiquita, one of their spider monkeys had stopped eating and developed diarrhea. She looked horrible when I examined her, appearing weak and listless, about to check out.

The zoo had no facilities to treat her properly. I needed to bring her to my house for convalescence. Because she had diarrhea, I took a stool sample sending it to the lab for identification. The lab would run a sensitivity test to tell me which antibiotic was the most efficacious. Placing Chiquita in a portable dog kennel, I brought her home.

On the flight back from lunch at Harris Ranch, I thanked Larry and Lorraine for their hospitality and invited the Australian woman and her brother over to my house for an evening in the hot tub. We could finish off the day drinking wine and soaking in hot water. She agreed and told me they would find a way out to my place.

When I arrived home I fed the dogs and put more wood in the fireplace to make sure we all had a cozy atmosphere where we could talk. Soon my guests arrived. I filled their glasses with alcohol, and we did some small talk while I made sure the hot tub was perfect.

With the tub ready I removed the thick pad covering. Mists of steam snaked skyward into the clear cold air.

Quickly we undressed and jumped into the tub's warm embrace. The three of us talked, enjoyed the night, and drank wine. I explained Mary was in Atlantic City with her band performing a month-long contract. Another singer, John McEuen and his band were also there. The two groups rotated two-hour gigs in the hotel’s lounge. And we talked of other things while enjoying the clear sky, and bright stars.

The young brother jumped out after a time, telling us he was done and went into the house. Setting her wine glass down his sister came close, right next to me. “I need you to feel this,” she said in her Australian accent. Grabbing my hand she placed it between her legs.

“What am I supposed to be feeling?” I asked her.

“I have two lumpy swellings down there,” she replied. As I cupped her crotch, I could feel two symmetrical enlargements on either side of her groin.

“Those are your inguinal lymph nodes,” I told her. “Have you had any issues down there recently?”

In the fall of 1986, I received a call from Alan Metzler, director of our local zoo. He was looking for a new veterinarian to help with the medical well-being of the zoo’s animals. Bringing him from the San Diego Zoo, the City of Atascadero hired Alan to upgrade their small zoo. The ultimate goal was to have it accredited with the AZA, The Association of Zoos and Aquariums. He needed to improve much of the physical plant and to have a more comprehensive medical oversight in place. Once accredited, we could qualify for new areas of funding, and be allowed to trade animals with other zoos.

I flew to LA International Saturday afternoon and took a taxi to Olvera Street. I was pleased; the place exuded the perfect nostalgic ambiance. Colorful piñatas, taco stands, and Mexican shops and restaurants stood on either side of the brick walkways. I contacted Mary, and we met up for dinner. At the end of the meal, reaching behind me, I fished out a large jewelry container and opened it.

"Will you marry me?" I asked her, displaying a beautiful pearl necklace.

Welcome to Podcast 26, where Mary and I travel to the Rocky Mountain enclave called Steamboat Springs, Colorado. Now, you’re likely asking… why are we in Colorado? Well… Sarah, of Thistledown Farm Warmbloods asked me if I’d be interested in setting up an embryo transfer project in her barn. I immediately accepted. Realizing I needed more insight and technique to do this correctly I enrolled in a three-day course at the veterinary school in Fort Collins, Colorado. Fort Collins is a few hour’s drive from Steamboat, where Mary was discovered, so we decided to make the focus on Steamboat. I would drive to Fort Collins from Steamboat while Mary rehearsed with longtime friends Rick Bear and Joe Ghiglia for a reunion of the Leaner, Lunker and Betsy Band. They arranged the concert at The Olde Town Pub Friday and Saturday when I returned from Fort Collins.

In the second year of my solo practice I was hired by Creston Oaks Arabians, a large horse ranch to oversee their breeding operations. Unlike cows, which can be bred pretty much anytime during the year, horses are seasonal breeders, with the vast majority coming into heat during late winter and early spring. After collecting semen from world-famous stallions, it was my job to infuse the valuable semen into mares as they progressed through their cycles. Using both my ultrasound probe as well as feeling the ovaries in the palm of my hand via rectal palpation I would determine when it was time to inseminate the girls.

Come listen to a shit-stomping hootenanny as Mary and I drive to bluegrass country where she performed in a concert in Little Rock Arkansas and appeared on TV in Nashville, Tennessee. I’ll stop talking while Rick Bear, a member of Mary’s Leaner, Lunker and Betsy Band plays Rocky Top Tennessee on his banjo.

Once Mary invited me inside things escalated quickly. My interest in finding out more about this woman pushed my ADHD hyperfocus into hyperdrive. Intrigued by future possibilities I took full advantage of the opportunity to become closer to Mary. Hopeful to find more common ground between us to deepen the relationship I returned the next day, and the next and the next. Mary’s smile welcomed me back each time.