Fear of Failure, a Lifelong Search for Love and Fulfillment

Putting the Suzanne debacle behind me, I developed a relationship with Martha, another pre-veterinary student attending UC Irvine, and moved into her apartment during my senior year at UCI. Following graduation, I took a full-time position as the x-ray technician at Grand Avenue Pet Hospital. It was a great opportunity. Being an x-ray tech at an animal hospital would look great on my vet school application. And I was lucky to land the position despite the fact I had no qualifications for the job nor any previous experience with an x-ray machine. My learning experience was a hands-on approach where learning to take x-rays was a hit or miss affair.

Experiencing overwhelmingly positive feelings about my Saturdays doing veterinary work on horses with Dr. Seeley I branched further into the veterinary profession. Following Doc Seeley’s advice, I found another tag-along position with Dr. Walton, a dairy veterinarian in Norco, California. With my career yearnings on course I returned to ladies in my life. Seeing a distant idea as a possibility, my ADHD mind hyper-focused on long-shot opportunity, fixating the thought into my daily mantra while blocking common sense from dimming my new Wizard of Oz mirage.

Disenchanted with my family and feeling lost and adrift in high school, I jumped into religion head first expecting to find life's purpose. However, my blind faith disintegrated as I realized the hope I placed in a divine creator didn't fulfill my needs.

Hello, this is James Aarons the ADHD Author and Veterinarian coming to you with a new podcast I call Perfume and Gasoline. It’s about being under the teenage spell of surging hormones. Last episode I introduced ya’ll to Susie my first horse, but I failed to emphasize Melody, my first girlfriend. Without Mel I would never have thought to bring a horse into my life. I was living in Fountain Valley, next to Huntington Beach, the surfing capital of the world, according to many local surfers at the time. The area’s focus was on water sports not four-legged critters big enough to ride. Because of Melody I traded my surfboard for a horse saddle.

Abandoning my church beliefs, I glommed onto my college interactions to find a much-needed sense of security. At USC I used my religious mantle as a reason to make no friends. UCI was different. Reevaluating both religious and marriage beliefs I refocused on college, seeking like-minded thinkers. Half were young women seeking to develop a profession in medical sciences, and was drawn into new relationships to the dismay of my young wife.

My first podcast starts with the story of my first horse Susie. Because of Susie I met a fellow who introduced me to the coolest career possibility: Dr. Seeley was a horse doctor.

Today we’re riding the Amtrak rails from Sacramento, California to Seattle, Washington, the starting point of my soul-searching bicycle journey along Pacific Coast Highway. I’m not sure if this was a time of reflection or escape, probably both. Fresh off the rejection I received from Sandy, and hoping to rekindle my relationship with Martha, I booked a train ticket looking forward to a two-week-long bike trip along Pacific Coast Highway from Seattle to San Francisco. A blonde acquaintance asked to come along. I was hesitant because this was to be a time to reflect and grow but relented, another bad decision I would soon regret. So, me and my new little sister boarded the northbound Amtrak.

Today I’m sharing an emotionally devastating period when Martha, a woman I lived with for three years, left me, saying she needed a break. In my immaturity I failed to give Martha the calm and loving reassurance everyone seeks. Martha was suffocating. Trapped inside a one-sided relationship whose future had never been clarified. When Martha left I fell apart. Resolving to remedy my deficiency by better understanding the fairer sex I began an intensive crash course to find my missing sensitivity. Searching Martha’s bookshelf, I studied two of her books: The Bleeding Heart and the Art of Loving.

Today I’m sharing my veterinary school days, when my three-step cycle of knowledge of ‘learn it’, ‘do it’, ‘teach it’ metamorphosed into the ‘do-it’ stage. My four years of focused learning were exciting and challenging. I was excited when I was able to use my hard-earned scientific foundation to help animals and challenged as I stumbled more than once in my case management.

What happens to a person who finds his life’s answers with the first girl he meets, sets up the wedding, and suddenly decides he’s with the wrong girl? Wow, what a concept: falling out of love! I followed my hormonal urges to get close to a woman and looked forward to a life together. But, after putting all my eggs in Mel’s basket, I realized I wasn’t ready to settle. Although I married Mel with my holiest and heartfelt feelings there were many things I had not thought through. These demons surfaced when I changed colleges and started at UC Irvine.