Tameika Thomas lost her twin daughters at 26 weeks and blamed herself for several years. She just keeps herself going at a very fast pace with work and school. She is a woman that puts high expectations on herself, and she said I am the one who expects perfection of myself, and I know that is impossible. When the world was shut down due to the pandemic it forced her to take time to slow down and that is when she began to truly grieve the loss of the twins. It forced her to slow down, it made her feel her feelings and listen to herself. She then finally really started the forgiveness process for herself.

Tameika and I talked about several things that she was able to do to help her on her journey of forgiveness. She started a gratitude journal, she poured herself into helping others and took that quiet time that was so necessary for her. Tameika talks about the blame and guilt she felt for many years and where she is on her journey of forgiving herself.

Advice: Take time to quiet yourself and feel the feelings you are having. Let the emotions flow.

Connect with Tameika at [email protected] 

Also, visit her website for the non-profit https://www.averyandaubreysway.org/

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EMAIL: teresa@livingaftergrief

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Kim Hooper, Meredith Resnick and Dr. Huong Diep are co-authors of All The Love, Healing Your Heart and Finding Meaning After Pregnancy Loss. They are authors of other previously published books and after Kim's multiple losses she decided to write a book to share her personal story but wanted it to have a therapeutic component. The authors shared their vision behind the book. Kim felt that her co-authors could add insight that she would not have, and they would be able to help make sense of the things she experienced in her personal journey. She wanted the book to be like a companion guide for people that have experienced loss.

The book is very comprehensive and is one place where people can receive a variety of needs, educational, psychological and connect with someone that has been through it. There was a tremendous amount of research put into this book. It is sprinkled with quotes, clinical resources, and information from published papers. After listening to this podcast make sure you purchase the book for yourself and for a family member or friend that has experienced loss.  The book can be purchased on Amazon.com or Bookshop.org   Their book website: alltheloveafterloss.com  Social media: @allthelovetalk (Instagram and Twitter)

About the Authors:

Kim Hooper is co-author of All the Love: Healing Your Heart and Finding Meaning After Pregnancy Loss. She is also the author of five novels—People Who Knew Me (2016), Cherry Blossoms (2018), Tiny (2019), All the Acorns on the Forest Floor (2020), and No Hiding in Boise (2021). She lives in Southern California with her husband, daughter, and a collection of pets.

http://kimhooperwrites.com/

Meredith Resnick, LCSW, worked in a clinical capacity for two decades and maintains a strong interest in healing through the expressive arts. Her creative work has appeared in such venues as the Washington Post, JAMA, Psychology Today, Lilith, Los Angeles Times, Newsweek, and Motherwell.  She is the creator of the Shame Recovery Project at shamerecovery.com.

meredithresnick.com. All the Love is her first book.

Dr. Huong Diep is a board certified psychologist and has provided clinical services, assessments and international trainings/consultations for over ten years. She is passionate about the intersection of gender, language and culture and is an ally to the LGBTQ+ community.

drhdiep.com

Connect with me: Teresa Reiniger

EMAIL teresa@livingaftergrief

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May is National Foster Care Month and Stacy Williams is a Foster Care mom that spoke about some myths of Foster Care and about the option of fostering to have the family you desire. She experienced pregnancy loss and you can hear her entire story and more about why she chose foster care in Episode 27.

She has been a Foster Care Mom for 14 years. Stacy talked about her purpose is to be a foster parent and how God changed her thinking about fostering. Stacy is truly a world changer for many foster children with those she welcomes into her home and by mentoring other foster parents.

A few myths Stacy and I talked about.

I cannot foster because I am single.

You must be a stay-at-home parent to foster.

Foster children are emotionally disturbed and damaged and there's nothing I can do to help them.

You do not have a choice in who you foster.

I cannot foster because I would get too attached.

Stacy talked about all of these and more.

I totally agree with Stacy when she said, these kids belong to the world and we want them to be 100% of who God called them to be.

Stacy's words of advice: Ask questions of the agency. Research several agencies to find the one that best fits your needs and the one that has the best track record for your needs. Make sure the agency your choose is clear on what you want and for you to stick with what you want. Support a Foster parent.

Carita's Family Solution, Pam Fiscus 618-688-1157

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Kim Hooper had a very unique journey to become a mom of 1 daughter here on earth. She had 4 pregnancies that ended in loss before having a pregnancy with no complications. She talks about the shocking news with the first pregnancy. I was going to have a baby but wait now my life is in danger and I have lost the baby. With another loss she remembers again the medical shock of having to wait for her body to miscarry and trying to go about her normal duties of life with bleeding, being tired and hormones fluctuating. She felt very isolated because people didn't even know she was pregnant. The third pregnancy was a baby boy that ended in a loss during the 2nd trimester. The shock of being told there is no heart beat.

She said I was ready to quit after each loss but after time went by each time, I just believed that one of these are going to be our child on earth and I was committed to that thought. A second ectopic pregnancy and I just wanted my body to be back to a baseline of health. She was told that her egg quantity and quality were not good but she still kept getting pregnant. She was also told she was not a candidate for IVF. A doctor even told her that her embryos were descend to die. Her only choice was to trust her own gut and find a medical provider that understood her. After the 4 losses she went to a new doctor that didn't see any reason medically that she couldn't try again and a fifth pregnancy happened. She now has a little girl.

Kim has co-authored a book that has been released earlier this year where she shares her story. I will have Kim back on an episode soon with her co-authors to talk about the book.

Kim's words of advice and encouragement:   I am all about people feeling empowered and they go through this journey and it can strip you of any sense of power or control. It comes down to knowing what you emotional, physically, finically, relationship wise what you can handle when trying again. What you can handle in terms of going through with infertility treatments and all those decisions that have to be made. This experience is just such an opportunity to get in touch with your own inner gut instincts and intuition and it may not match up with what people are telling you to do or what you "should do", but really trust yourself and know that there is no right or wrong to what you decide and there is no right or wrong to the outcome. I think happy endings come in all different shapes and forms.

Kim's Information:

Book website: alltheloveafterloss.com
Social media: @allthelovetalk (Instagram and Twitter)

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Melissa Sulley has 2 living children on earth, 1 on the way and 7 babies in the stars that did not make it earth side.  Due to all her losses Melissa is a pregnancy and infant loss doula, as well as a grief coach and educator. She said she loves talking about loss and normalizing pregnancy loss because there is a lot of shame around it. Her first loss rocked her world. She said I was so naïve to how difficult pregnancy can be and how common pregnancy loss is, and I did not know how to navigate through it. Melissa shares her journey of loss, pregnancies after loss and how she learned to navigate through it. She shared about painful miscarriages, being induced to deliver babies that no longer had heart beats and holding those babies. She talked about feeling very isolated and how she kept getting thrown into the grief cycle because the losses were so close together. I became obsessed with having a full-term pregnancy. She talked about the postpartum depression and anxiety but also the unresolved grief that suddenly started resurfacing.

She started a business to be able to share her story. As she shared her story, she connected with other women that had loss as well and that is when she could work through a lot of her grief and realized that her feelings were normal. When you create space for people to share their stories there is so much power. When stories are shared out loud, we finding what happens is, oh my gosh, this is normal, and I am not alone. Melissa still navigates her grief while helping so many others to navigate through their grief from loss. Listen to her entire story and the many things she implemented to help her through the emotional roller coaster ride she experienced.

Melissa's words of advice and encouragement for you:

First know your grief is valid. If you have experienced a pregnancy loss whether its early or late, know you are allowed to grieve and that your grief is valid. I feel like this topic is still fairly taboo and people aren't sure if they should or can grieve. The answer is YES. By all means, you have experienced a loss, so you are allowed to grieve. Second would be to connect with people who get it. The reality is that people who have not been through pregnancy loss or who have not experienced grief in general, they just do not get it and you are going to hear a lot of stupid things from people. It is nice to be able to connect with others who understand the journey and give yourself space to feel the grief and the joy in your daily moments.

Connect with Melissa:  https://instagram.com/josiahandco?igshid=sqstdaq5e43y

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This episode was recording to increase the awareness of infertility. Infertility effects 1 in 8 couples in the United States, which translates to 7.5 million people. I personally have experience how hard it is when 2 of my 3 daughters had infertility struggles. If you are struggling with infertility, I have referenced in this episode, several previous episodes where women and men have shared their struggles of infertility. I only shared a statement or two that was in the previous episodes, so if you were touched by something take time to listen to their entire story. I know it will help you on your journey. Do not hesitate to reach out to find support on your journey.

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Sarah Clark wanted to be married at 25 and kids by 28. When she went off the pill, which was falsely regulating her periods, they again became irregular and heavy. When visiting the doctor, she was told she had premature ovarian failure and the only way to have kids was to use donor eggs. She was given a brochure about IVF and sent to the clinic. Sarah talked about being naïve and did not go for a second opinion. She said I did not even grieve the news. I knew I had other options, I did not hesitate, I knew it was going to happen for us and luckily it did.

Since it has been about 20 years ago the whole process has changed from getting profiles of the donor in the mail to view profiles online. Sarah said questions I got were. Did you think you wouldn't' bond with the baby and did you worry they wouldn't look like you? She has learned a tremendous amount about her own health and now supports other couples navigate the tough infertility journey. Her company is very thorough with their testing and help couples in multiple countries. Take time to listen to the episode to hear all the different test that they have available to help you navigate the infertility journey.

Sarah's words of advice and encouragement: Dig deeper beyond the diagnosis. If told you have low AMH or high HSF, diminished ovarian reserve, premature ovarian defiance, or failure, look at other things going on in your body. Like me I had acne, sinus, yeast, and bladder infections. There were other things going on in my body. Do not focus just on the diagnosis. Do not think IVF is your only option. We spend 12-18 months preparing for a wedding and in 1 month we want to get pregnant. So, flip that around. I am not saying spend 18 months but see what else is going on in your body and yes get a second opinion. Listen to my podcast for a functional approach and take charge of your own health. We work with people that have food sensitivities, gut infections, hormonal imbalance, blood sugar issues, and thyroid stuff. Look beyond the conventional medicine.

Sarah's Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/get-pregnant-naturally-how-to-solve-your-infertility
Sarah's Website: https://fabfertile.com/

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Kelsey shares her story about not wanted to have children when her and her husband married but they were bitten by the baby bug. After several months of trying her sister-in-law announced she was pregnant with their 2nd. I was happy for them, but I thought why does she get 2 and I do not get any? Then the feelings of guilt came, I did want to be happy for them.

After a year of trying Kelsey became pregnant and then at 11 weeks they could not hear the heartbeat and within a few days she started bleeding. Another ultrasound was done to find that there was no baby, she had a blighted ovum. So there had not been a baby. The embryonic sac and placenta developed but the baby did not. I was missing a baby that I did not have and the negative sabotage would slap me in the face. How could I be missing something that was never there. Kelsey shared some great insight that a friend shared with her, it helped with the self sabotage she was putting on herself about grieving a baby that was never there.

Kelsey also said, but now we are going through this traumatic event and only 4 people know because we were not through the first trimester yet. How do you reach out for support?  How do you say you were not important enough to share our good news but your now important enough to share this sad news? I know that is not how it is but that is how I thought it would come across, so we grieved privately.  I hate the advice to not tell anyone until you are in your second trimester.

Kelsey's words of advice and encouragement:  Don't minimize how you are feeling just because it was an early loss, just because it was a blighted ovum, just because... do not use those words, just because it was this or I should not be grieving, I do not understand why I'm grieving. Women have told me that I do not understand why this hurts so much I was only 9 weeks pregnant. Do not minimize your grief, do not minimize the gravity of the situation like fully embrace how big this story was for you.

Go to a grief counselor, go to a grief therapist, go to a pastor, go to someone that can help you. It will follow you for the rest of your life either way, but I believe that working with someone teaches you coping skills and teaches you perspective and it is so important to be able to move on, to continue to thrive and live this life you were put here to do without just being crushed by grief every single day for the rest of your life.

Links to Kelsey's blogs she referenced: https://www.ignitenourishthrive.com/miscarriage-5-years-later/

https://www.ignitenourishthrive.com/m-is-for-miscarriage-2/

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Andy Karam and his wife experience a tremendous loss of their 2-year-old daughter Fee-Fee due to an accident and then while still grieving were surprised with another pregnancy only to loss that child also. Andy talked about how traumatizing it was to see baby Willow delivered at 14 weeks. She was so tiny, and it is something you cannot prepare for. He said he still sees those images when he thinks of her. We did take pictures of Willow and I remember thinking is this the right thing to do, is it appropriate and I thought I do not want to forget her or these moments.

Andy, now a grief coach shared his feelings and the emotions he felt during the early days of his grief. He talked about there being joy in everyday and at any minute of the day and that does not take away from the grief. Also, Andy said just because you are laughing does not mean that you are ok. It is ok to not be ok. He talked about a friend that always brings up Fee Fee and ask questions about her. She does not shy away from the topic and I told her I do not want her to ever stop asking about Fee Fee and it is NEVER off limits to talk about her.

Andy's words of advice and encouragement: Anyone that is grieving I would encourage you to just be honest and not necessarily honest to other people but to be honest with yourself and what you are feeling. Crying is ok, feeling sad is ok, being angry is ok. There may be days you take 12 steps forward and then the next day you take 20 steps backwards. Find someone or something that gives you peace, that gives you hope and just keep going forward. To someone that knows someone that is grieving, encourage them, validate them, give them the safe place they need to ask questions and do not give advice, do not fix it. They DO NOT need to be fixed they need a safe space to share what they are going through and to let it out and to remember.

Connect with Andy via his website: https://www.coralgriefcoaching.com/

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Kristin had a very long journey down the infertility and loss road. Clomid, Letrozole, IUI, change of doctor, a multitude of test, IVF, and losses all along the way. When she got to IVF she said I'm scared about injecting all this into my body. What is it going to do to me? Is it going to work? Is it going to work for me? The unknown made me super emotional about injecting all those hormones in my body.

It was so hard to watch all my close friends get pregnant and none of them had trouble. I withdrew from them because I felt like it was always in my face. It was so hard to see pregnancy announcements and seeing the birth of their babies because I wanted that so badly. The hardest was my younger brother and his wife. I was angry and I felt guilty for feeling like that.

When you have had multiple losses, it is easier to feel like giving up because you just do not want to go through it again. Kristin is 18 weeks pregnant at the time of this recording. She said every thing is going well but she is still very scared.

Kristin's words of advice and encouragement: I want to encourage anyone that has struggled with infertility or has had loss to not lose hope. Be an advocate for yourself, make sure you are doing research. There are test that can be run to identify things that you might be struggling with. Stress is a big factor and this time I let go. Let go and Let God. Keep your mind busy with things if you are struggling. Find activities that are positive and uplifting, walks, yoga, coloring, anything that brings you joy to get your mind off of it because it is all consuming and that can stress you out and that does not help anything. Stay positive. God has different plans for everyone.

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