Robyn thought it would be easy to have children since she and her husband Matt both came from large families.  We tried clomid for 19 months and I had some severe reactions the first month. How do you become intimate with your spouse when you have gained 40 lbs. from a drug that is supposed to help you become pregnant?

Matt used testosterone cream to hopeful increase his sperm count and his count went to zero.  The doctor told us we would have to do a sperm donor or adoption if we ever wanted to have children.  We were devastated by this news, but I do not stay down long. I am a fixer and by the next day I was in contact with a family member that had struggled with infertility and a new plan was in motion.  I was not settling for that answer for our family.

We went to a new doctor and was very hopeful but after a couple tries, he was giving up on us. A new doctor,  new medication protocol and things were looking up again. Our insurance would only cover one more try. We had 4 blastocysts left, 2 good ones and 2 that were not very good, but this was it, the last try so they were all transferred. It had been 3 very long years of struggles and disappointments, so we kept our hearts guarded in case there was more disappointing news. Listen to Robyn's inspiring story to hear about their loss and about the beautiful family they now have.

Robyn's Encouragement and Advice:

If you are having infertility problems, go to a specialist right away. Do not be afraid to ask someone for advice and for a shoulder to cry on. Be willing to accept Gods will for what is supposed to happen and do not forget to pray.

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Connie said we were the first to get married of our friends and last to have children. We struggled with infertility due to PCOS, but once we started to discover the problems, I was happy we moved pretty fast because my husband was in the medical field. We became pregnant with IVF and thought the worst was behind us. I was not aware of the statistic of pregnancy loss. When it happened to us, I was shocked at the number of pregnancies that end in a loss. Several years after the loss of Hope a friend told me to stop beating myself up about it and that our loved ones want us happy and they want to be close to us. Listen to how Connie is able to do just that.

Connie and Tim previously helped with a marriage enrichment program and knew that infertility and pregnancy loss impacted a marriage greatly and increased the possibility of divorce. With this knowledge they wrote a grief journal to help themselves and to help others that had experienced a pregnancy loss.

They were told if they would ever get pregnant again that they would have another loss. This was devastated news.  I started researching and working on naturally healing myself and it was not long, and I was pregnant. I enjoyed being pregnant as best I could, but I was always worried and scared the entire pregnancy.

Connie recently lost her miracle son Nicholas at 18 years old. Listen to her tell how losing her first child during pregnancy helped her develop coping strategies that helped her in the loss of her adult son. She said she did not want her son’s death and legacy to be that his death destroyed his mother.

Connie's encouragement and advice:

The most important decision you will make in your life is whether things in your life are happening to you or if things are happening for you and it is very easy in our society to be someone like, poor me and society will support you in that. There is the road less traveled which is where you discover how life is happening for our highest and best good because God loves us so much and to look for the blessings and it is hard. My broken mothers’ heart would much rather have my babies here and the middle of all that there is a blessing if you look for it. Connie gave great examples of how she found blessings in the infertility and the loss of Hope and Nicholas.

There is a spiritual realm that most people do not tap into or acknowledge to have their loved ones close to them. Look for the Blessings. I focus on the time I had with them and the blessings they gave me.

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 Shannon is an inspiration for all women who are struggling with having a live birth.  With all six pregnancies, she has endured painful cramping and bleeding and is working to get as healthy as she can to have a family to love. She talks about having to decide to deliver at 20 weeks to save her life. She was told the decision was one funeral or two because her health was declining rapidly. She was diagnosed with HELP Syndrome and the concern was that her liver would burst if she continued the pregnancy. Listen to hear her explain about the HELP Syndrome.

While she was in labor, she had to ask that the heart monitor be turned off because she could not see or hear the baby’s heartbeat knowing that her baby was not going to make it. Shannon said nothing can prepare you for the death of your baby.

They were so thankful for the nurse that helped them in making decisions after deliver. Taking pictures was a hard decision but the nurse was amazing helping us and also took additional pictures so we will always remember Ellie.  The hospital stay for her to recover was very hard she said she just wanted to go home and cry with her husband. She talks openly about difficult things during delivery, her hospital stay, the funeral planning, and her grief which is up and down.

Shannon's advice and encouragement:

If a family is what you want, just keep trying. I said that I don't think I can do this anymore. It takes a toll on your body physically and mentally, but you do not know how strong you are until you have to be. I feel I was forced to be strong and you really don’t know what you can handle until you’re in the middle of it. I still have up's and down's and bad months, but I just stay positive. I am just staying hopeful and that is all I can do because I'm still going through it.

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Cassie & Mike knew that their desire to have a family was not going to be easy due to Cassie having severe PCOS.  After talking with their doctor and trying months of pharmaceutical medications they were told their choices to have a family was either to try IVF or adoption.  Having to make this difficult decision they decided to take a 21-day cruise to talk about what to do and to make sure that they were both in agreement with the decision that they were going to make.  When they got home the decision was IVF and they were ready to start and the whirlwind began.

It's a hurry and wait, hurry and wait process. Cassie talked about watching the monitor as they did the IVF. She said I watched myself get pregnant. They were very fortunate to have Mike's sister and brother-in-law that had recently gone through IVF so it was so helpful to have them ask questions and they now have helped and supported multiple couples going through IVF.

Cassie was hospitalized due to pre-eclampsia but after a month in the hospital, they could no longer control it with medication.  At 29 weeks and 3 days, the twins needed to be delivered or they could lose all of them.  The girls were delivered and spent 2 months in the NICU with ups and downs due to being born so early. Cassie said Mike was her rock, he spent the entire time with her except for going to work. Listen to their entire story and hear about his amazing support.  They are definitely a couple that has a very strong relationship and were totally together on all the decisions that needed to be made during their infertility journey even when the decision needed to be made about the frozen embryos

Mike & Cassie's words of advice and encouragement:

Find a couple that has gone through infertility before to help you with support.  We have already helped 5 or 6 couples by either directing them to a doctor, hospital, or OB's.  By just listening, giving shots, organizing medicine, and just supporting them. Find the person you are comfortable with to talk to whether a family member, friend, or a complete stranger. Having that support made it much easier for us.

Don't place blame on the person having the infertility struggle. Work as a team to support each other.

Don't give up with the first diagnosis. If you want to have a family seek out the way to have it. Don't let a diagnosis stand in your way of having a family and don't let infertility drag your relationship down. Take care of each other.

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Dawn describes herself as a train wreck during her pregnancy with Zoey who was diagnosed with Trisomy 18. Listen to how she navigated through such devastating news and continued to have hope along the way. She held her breath at every doctor’s appointment until they could hear Zoey's heartbeat because she could have passed away at any time during the pregnancy.  Dawn was hoping the entire pregnancy that she would be able to meet her little girl and that day came at 42 weeks when she was induced. Zoey was able to go home from the hospital with Hospice care and lived 120 days. Listen to hear about the cherished memories that Dawn, and her husband were able to create with Zoey during her short life and how she touched and changed people’s lives forever.

Dawn and her husband still wanted a family and went through IVF with no success and then chose to adopt through a private agency.  The adoption process is not an easy process. Lots of paperwork, interviews, and our whole life was handed over to someone to inspect everything about our lives.  They now have a beautiful family through adoption so enjoy listening and gaining some insight so you can help others on their journey to be parents.

Encouragement and Advice from Dawn:

* Hope was always in the forefront for us. Hope might change many times over during your journey but even in the end, you have to find peace with everything you have been through. I just always want people to believe that hope is there. We had hoped that we would meet our little girl. Hope that we will have a day with her. Hope that she was at peace.

* Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions you need to. You are going to be angry, you're going to have fear, you’re going to have jealousy. You have to allow yourself to feel that darkness but don't stay there too long, you have to try to find your way back to hope, healing, and joy. Come back to the light side of things but you are allowed to feel them and don't listen to people who tell you can't feel that way.

* Broken can still be beautiful. Our path is broken as parents, it is broken but it still has value, and it is still beautiful and your story has value too.

* LOVE WINS

Hospice Resource: https://www.bjchospice.org/Wings

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Ann-Marie had so much trauma on her journey to have a family. She experienced severe Hyperemesis Gravidarum in several of her pregnancy and was hospitalized.  During her first pregnancy she lost so much weight and was down to 82lbs due to the hyperemesis. She had extreme bleeding during pregnancy which you would have thought she was miscarrying but did not. Her oldest daughter called the hospital my mom's house because of the amount of time she was there.

Ann-Marie said the hardest thing I have ever done was to hand my baby that had died to the nurse because everything in my body was screaming protect your baby and do not let someone take him. I felt crazy and nuts with my grief. I had to force myself to sleep, eat and walk

How does a woman go through four very difficult pregnancies, the loss of a child due to a clotting disorder, a premature birth and then go on to have a natural birth and to be able to breastfeed?  Listen to Ann-Marie's story to hear all the beautiful moments that she experienced amidst the heartache and trauma.

Ann-Marie's encouragement and advice:

Do not do it alone and it is totally normal to need support. We want to be strong and people expect us to be strong but you have lost a precious and beloved child that you cared so much about and you carried in your body and it is right to seek out support whether a friend, family, a support group or counselor. There are so many ways to find support and I hate to think about people going through this alone.  Be patient with yourself as you work for things to feel better and you many need more help during different seasons.

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Carol said our mindset needs to be shifted from the expectation that every women that becomes pregnant is going to have a 40-week healthy baby. That in itself is a miracle! That healthy 40-week pregnancy is not the norm.

Carol and Jon had an 18-week ultrasound scheduled on their daughter's birthday. She was going to see her little brother or sister for the first time. Something was not right that morning, so Carol went in early to be checked and was told that she was 9 cm dilated and in active labor. Jon rushed to the office and an ultrasound was done to discover that they were having twin boys that day. There was nothing medical they could do to stop the labor. Their lungs were not developed enough but the hope was to deliver the first little boy and the labor would stop so she could carry the second little boy longer. Both boys were delivered alive but only lived for a short period of time. The hospital care was amazing in helping us with every step.

I remember my milk coming in the morning of the boy’s funeral and I remember in that moment how awful that was because here I was going to bury my children instead of feeding them. The grief was so heavy and overwhelming.

I feared the question that people always ask. How many children do you have? The grocery store was a big trigger for me because I would go in the morning with my daughter before her nap just like all the other moms, some with multiple children or women who were pregnant, this was very difficult. It was so empowering though when a woman told me that everyone does not have the right to know your story.

I did a lot of reading and journaling to help me through the grief and to also find answers to why. In the search, there were no good answers for what we went through and that was not ok. So, we started a nonprofit to honor the boys and to support research. The goal of the research is to help women of multiples to carry their babies longer and to have healthy babies.

Carol's words of encouragement and advice:

Know that you are loved more than you might know in the moment, more than your able to feel, and know there are groups that are out there like Share to help you. Do not lose hope if you are unable to find people to talk to because you are not alone.  Do not stop talking to your family, spouse partner and your friends because you think they do not want to know. Sometimes people just do not know what to say, but I found that people are better listeners than conversation starters. Find someone who wants to listen and allows you some space to share without telling you how to feel, how to fix it, when to stop grieving, or when to move on.

Carol & Jon's Nonprofit:   https://www.interwovensouls.org

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Candace and her husband experienced a very early miscarriage that they did not completely heal from until they lost their little girl at 21 weeks. They then needed to grieve both losses. They started out with a support group connected to The Share Organization, some individual counseling, reading, and journaling also helped. Candace researched books to read but unfortunately her library did not have any of the books. She ended up purchasing 2 of every book she wanted to read and donated one to the library in her daughter’s name to help others with their grief.

During that time, we continued to try to have a family but started struggled with infertility. We had no idea why. We had exhausted all the test and had switched doctors. My husband would have been done after the second loss, but I still had that burning desire to have a family. The infertility may have done more damage to our marriage then the losses themselves. Through all the grief, turmoil, and trauma we got pulled apart.

I invite you to listen to Candace's entire story about her losses, the family they now have and how she learned to love her body again after it would not do what she wanted.

Advice and Encouragement from Candace:

Remember the love that started your journey, and it will take you back to your partner. Remember to hang on to the things you love about yourself and your life. Stay connected to love because we get so deep into grief, we have a hard time coming out of the dark. Love will heal you, so stay in love with yourself, your partner and keep love in your heart because it will get you through the worst days of grief.

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Derlene is a dear friend and personal development success coach that had a few questions about supporting friends through infertility struggles and loss. We had a great conversation about a few do's and don'ts but of course not enough time to talk about all of them, but I think the most common came up in our conversation. Things like what to say or do and what not to say or do.

The number one thing is to be there for them, do not avoid them. No one has been taught on how to minister to a friend grieving but our best advice is just to be present with them and listen. This is a time when they need you more than ever. One big thing that makes us feel uncomfortable is talking about the loss but for the person grieving it is one of the most important things to talk about. It gives meaning to the loss of their baby.

Do not be disappointed in things you may have said to someone in the past or maybe did not do. We only know what we know and can only do what we know at the time. I hope after listening to our conversation you will know a little more about helping a friend or family member during one of the most difficult times of their life.

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Nichole and her husbands journey started in 2011. They had no idea that they would have to experience so many losses, test, procedures, surgeries, IUI's and IVF's. She had family, friends and work clients that wanted to help support them with the financial expenses that they were enduring so they donated through a Go-Fund-Me Account. She just kept thinking we are not getting any younger.

After so much heartache, loss, grief, and the mental and physical toll on her mind and body someone reached out to recommend a different doctor. They decided to continue their journey and loved this new doctor. She reviewed her medical records and recommended one new test. That was it, they finally had an answer to what was going wrong, but this doctor also discovered fibroid tumors on her uterus. She needed surgery and then a 6-month recovery time after surgery. The biological clock was still ticking and that was still not the end of the heartache but take the time to listen to Nichole's story and fight to now have 3 beautiful children.

Nichole's advice and encouragement:

Not everyone goes through such a long journey but do not compare your story with others. Your story is unique for you and there is no magic solution. Find support. You need a person to talk to and if it is not family or a friend seek out a counselor to help you through the mental, physical, and emotional difficulties. I look forward to others reaching out to me for help through their journey.

Reference by Nichole: Resolve Non-profit Organization:  https://resolve.org/

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