Film Wars

We’re back, y’all, and we saved the sad state of Lindsay’s mic set up so we can watch a bunch of lovable rascals save the world (spoiler alert, they do not.) Grab a box of donuts and your favorite mannequin companion and join us for the conclusion of The Umbrella Academy.

It's our 15th episode anniversary and watch out, because the sound quality on Lindsay's mic drops HARD halfway through this ep and never recovers. If you can get past that, though, we're discussing the first season of Netflix's adaptation of "The Umbrella Academy." Join us as Amy fawns over Klaus and Lindsay yells about comic books while keeping another tab open on her browser looking for a new mic. (Part 1 of 2

Your childhood may have been shitty, but at least *your* grandmother didn’t neglect you to the point where a convention (covens are SO 17th century) of super obvious witches turns you into a mouse while she’s passed out under a cloud of cigar smoke. We learn Lindsay might be a witch.

Amy inflicts a WWE-backed “The Rock”-starring bro-dude action comedy? (debatable) on us which Roger Ebert gave three-and-a-half stars, possibly for not being a total flaming trash heap like the director’s first movie. Sean William Scott co-stars and he got a real purty mouth. Lindsay takes up day drinking.

We discuss the 2003 murder-mystery murder-thon “Identity” not to be confused with some other murder-mystery murder-thon called “Identity,” and - trust me - Lindsay waffles for like a solid three minutes on whether or not there’s another movie called "Identity." Alfred Molina is in this film, which is nice.

Let two fake geek girls who TOTALLY DIDN’T EVEN READ THE COMICS guide you through what Time magazine names as the 4th best X-Men movie, ranking just below "Deadpool" (yes that counts, shut up!) Spoiler alert: This movie doesn’t actually follow the comics.

This week, Lindsay makes herself sad by doing a cursory internet search on P. T. Barnum, while Amy enjoys the sexy men in their tailored silk overcoats tap dancing on the bar counter as God intended. Join us as we watch Hugh Jackman’s brave search for justice for his daughter after she’s offhandedly slighted at her ballet school! Also something about the circus.

What to you get when you cross 2 Scottish archeologists, 4 dead time-travelling assassins, 3 British bad guys, 2 panicky lab geeks, 1 bland surfer dude and 1 1/4 boring romance side plots? Ugh, is this going to be on the final? As politely as possible, this movie is a bit of a mess, but Amy loves history, romance, and one particular Scottish dude (also messes?) so she’s awfully forgiving.

 If you’re feeling maybe your life is a little too cheerful and sane, why not join J.Lo down the Wonka Tunnel of perversion and violence that is “The Cell.” College-age Lindsay would have you know this is not trash, it is ART, but Amy from 20 years into the future is here to set the record straight.

Note: To understand the obscure reference we make in this episode regarding a song about killing a bird, go here to listen: https://josephscrimshaw.bandcamp.com/track/i-feel-bad-about-what-i-did (by Amy's fav band - The Dregs)

We go back to a simpler time, when a movie featuring Tom Hardy, covered in sweat, downing an entire bag of frozen tater tots and then projectile vomiting on camera seemed like a good idea. With a blink-and-you'll-miss-most-of-it pace and a main character who is basically a super-powered sentient tapeworm, how could you not love Venom. Lindsay will tell you how.