Film Wars

Following in the footsteps of such mid-80s Disney delights as “Something Wicked This Way Comes,” “The Black Cauldron,” “The Watcher in the Woods,” and holy shit Disney was in a dark place… we bring you “Return to Oz.” After Dorothy’s first magical adventure in Oz, she returns to Kansas where her Aunt Em complains about their mortgage and takes Dorothy to a shock therapy doctor. And that’s just the first ten minutes! Whee! Join us as Lindsay keeps insisting this is fine… just fine.

Greetings, Starfighter. You have been chosen to slog through the 80s movie equivalent of a big plastic bag of off-brand breakfast cereal! why, you may ask? Because you possess certain skills-I'm kidding, of course! We're watching this because 35 years ago Amy thought the lead actor was "kinda cute." There's spaceships and stuff too if you like that sort of thing.

Jeff Goldblum stars as Jeff Goldblum at his most Jeff Goldblumiest in David Cronenberg's 1986 version of "The Fly". The housefly-Jeff Goldblum hybrid monster doesn't just chew the scenery, he vomits all over it and sucks it back up. Amy had to take this one in two different sittings. In her words, gross, just gross.

We take on Jurassic World, a terrifying hybrid creature that’s part disaster film, part morality play about a woman who refuses to have babies AND MUST BE ADMONISHED! Taking full advantage of the fact that Disney made Chris Pratt lose 70 pounds, this film has him rockin’ the tactical leather vest look. Will he tame the prehistoric forest and claim Claire as his cave bride? That’s what this movie is about, right?

We explore a heartwarming animated tale about a fugitive baby unicorn and an elementary schooler who set out to stop an evil sorcerer from enslaving every living thing on the planet in a badly constructed puppet-castle. Will the power of friendship and love prevail? Wait, don't leave! I haven't even gotten to the part about the Pee-Wee Herman dragon!

You kids today with your Riverdales and your Marvel Universes . . . Back in the 80s, our formative years were shaped by sex-romp versions of hundred-year-old comedy operas starring very, very tan men and Golden Razzie-Award nominee Kristy McNichol. As indicated by the title, this is THE Pirate Movie, and no one has ever made another pirate movie before or since. So, nyah.