So many women confuse the gestures of a man who is excited about them with love bombing, so I decided to do a podcast about it to help you get clear on the difference.

Most new relationships go through a honeymoon phase and it does take a certain amount of enthusiasm to get a new connection going.

In most relationships, this interest and pursuit is generally on the man’s part and is well-intentioned because he is really excited about you.

Many women who have been around the block a time or two are wary of this level of attention and find it off-putting.

This is especially true if you have a pattern of dating unavailable men and feel uncomfortable with a man getting too close.

Some women see anything more than general standoffishness and slight neglect as overeagerness or even love bombing, but it is very normal for an emotionally healthy man who is excited about you to want to call or text you every day.

Love bombing is very excessive flattery, attention or gift giving and it is done to manipulate or gain control of you. Men who love bomb you are demanding, manipulative and won’t take no for an answer.

This is not just bringing flowers or chocolate to a first date or texting and calling often. 

Love bombing is laying it on really thick, like declaring love before he has met you, calling you his soulmate in the first week, and pressuring you for something in return like a commitment, money, sex, or to move in together.

If you set a boundary, a love bomber will not respect it. A man who cares about you will.

True love bombing is malicious in intent. A man who is well-intentioned and truly cares for you may declare his feelings, reach out to you frequently or give you gifts, but will not pressure you to do things you are uncomfortable with. 

A flattering, well-written enthusiastic opening message on a dating site is not love bombing.

Daily messages, texts or phone calls are not love bombing.

Talking about a future, asking to go on a trip, declaring feelings, asking if you’re seeing other people, or mentioning taking down your profiles is not love bombing.

That does not mean you have to say yes to any of these things. You can always set boundaries.

It is common for couples to have opinions about how fast a relationship should progress and for those opinions to be different. This can be very subjective.

I encourage you to respect the opinions of the men you date and have conversations with them.

Don’t expect a man to go at your exact pace and then accuse him of going “too fast” when he doesn’t read your mind. 

Men who are excited about you will often move fast, but it isn’t love bombing unless it is done with malicious intent.

If you ever feel pressured because a man has said or done something, ask yourself if it is coming from your discomfort with the attention you’re being given or if you are being pressured to do something you are uncomfortable with. 

Why are you feeling pressured? What are your boundaries? Have you made them clear? What will you do if they are not respected?

The answers to these questions will help you know if you’re really being love bombed and what to do next.

I have a great resource to help you create your very own custom man plan so that you can find a quality man ASAP.

Click here to download it or go to bit.ly/MANPLAN

As we age we tend to mature. We no longer dress, act or live the way we did when we were children or in our teens. 

We become more responsible and consider our long term goals. We learn from experience and (hopefully) make better choices. 

Our tastes also tend to mature. We trade Happy Meals for fine restaurants, a good steak or salad, maybe a glass of fine wine.

We can’t eat pizza or nachos every night and not feel awful or experience health consequences that we don’t want to deal with. We recognize this and adjust accordingly.

And yet…. So many of us, myself included back in the day, refuse to date like the mature women we have become. 

We go online and complain that the men all look like our fathers or grandfathers, but we don’t look 21 anymore either.

We insist on sparks flying immediately when we know full well how badly it went with the last 17 men who gave us butterflies.

We call this “not settling”, but what it really is is a refusal to be realistic and grow the heck up. 

When it comes to dating, we often have the same expectations we had at 18, even though nothing else is like it was when we were 18.If you’re looking for a life partner and not to live out the script of a typical romance novel you simply must stop acting like this.

What’s a girl to do?

Grow up, like you already have in every other area of your life.

Realistically assess the romantic opportunities that are available to you, just like you would with jobs, housing, the clothing that you can fit into/afford.

Learn to appreciate these things instead of moaning about how you think it “should” be.

If it should be that way, it would be.

Once you do this, you stand a much better chance of being happy with your options and actually finding someone to share your life with.

A real grownup who treats you well, instead of another flash in the pan “situtationship” that leaves you jaded and heartbroken.

I have a great resource to help you create your very own custom man plan so that you can find a quality man ASAP.

Click here to download it or go to bit.ly/MANPLAN

You’ve listened to podcasts, read books, maybe even taken a few classes, but you still haven’t found your guy.

You know what’s keeping you single and you’re determined to make the necessary changes.

Your bestie has been married since college.

Your colleague went on Match.com and got 3 dates her first week.

Your college roommate married a great guy even though she partied all through her 20’s and has never been promoted.

Meanwhile, you listen to podcasts, gorge on self-help books, take all the workshops and come up empty handed.

Why don’t other people have to work so hard to find love?

And what about the men, why aren’t they doing any freaking work??

I hear you.

It feels really frustrating to think that you have to do more than other people to get the things that you want.

I have definitely been there.

I was relationship-challenged until well into my 40’s and it was not fair at all.

But fair or not, I really wanted to have a wonderful relationship and get married and it showed no signs of actually happening unless something changed drastically.

And I finally came to the conclusion that that something had to be me.

I was the one who wanted the result you see.

So even though life will probably never be fair, you can ask yourself if you really want to find a great guy.

And if you do, I suggest that you do everything in your power to make it happen for yourself.

You deserve to have a great life and make it everything you want it to be.

It’s up to you to do the work to make it happen, and when you decide to roll up your sleeves and get to it, you have a much better shot at success.

So instead of asking yourself why you have to do the work, try asking yourself what work you can do next to get what you want.

And then go do it.

I have a great resource to help you create your very own custom man plan so that you can find a quality man ASAP.

Click here to download it or go to bit.ly/MANPLAN

This week, we’re continuing our discussion on shopping for men.

This is the final episode in a 4 part series, so go back and listen to the first 3 if you haven’t yet.

Last week I talked about how to evaluate the men who reach out to you based on their availability for a relationship and their character.

Specifically, you’re seeking a man who wants the kind of relationship you want.

This matters so much more than what his job title is, how good his pictures are or how tall he is.

When you vet men for this trait instead of the superficial ones most women value, a whole new world of possibilities will open up to you.

There are so many men who are largely ignored on dating sites and apps because they are seen as ordinary, boring, too eager and other such nonsense.

These men have no game. Which makes them perfect.

Ordinary, boring and too eager are fantastic. 

Most people are pretty ordinary overall, which is why ordinary means ordinary.

If you want excitement, create an exciting life for yourself or just watch a movie. Your excitement should not be supplied by dating drama.

Men who are eager actually like you. Dating men who actually like you is generally a good idea.

And why on earth would you want a man with “game”?????

In addition to there being a huge number of overlooked men on the dating sites/apps (which have more men than women on them to begin with), these men are thrilled to hear from you and date you and they will treat you like gold.

This is so refreshing if you’re used to being ghosted, broken up with or just flat out treated poorly by the “Mr. All That” type men you find usually find attractive.

Let’s redefine what you see as “attractive” so that you can have a better dating experience.

Good men are an acquired taste, and once you adjust your palate, you’ll wonder what you ever saw in those other guys.

They are online dating’s equivalent of junk food or even outright poison.

Ordinary, boring relationship-minded men are the best deal going and the dating platforms are full of them. 

They are a great deal and easy to find.

And once you do, you’re really not going to have to work that hard. They will almost always be thrilled to have found you, treat you well and want a relationship with you.

Your biggest challenge will be not to throw him overboard because you think you can do better, he is too ordinary, boring, or eager.

If you manage not to do that, you’ll be in the relationship you’ve been wanting all along!

Congratulate yourself and drop me a line. I’d love to hear the good news.

I have a great resource to help you create your very own custom man plan so that you can find a quality man ASAP.

Click here to download it or go to bit.ly/MANPLAN

OK, this episode is going to be more fun.

We’re going to talk about how to shop for men.

When you go shopping, it helps to have a list, and you may already have one.

If you do, think about what’s on it.

Height, weight, level of fitness, hair color, does he have hair??

How much money does he make? Sense of humor? Does he like the same foods as you?

Is he well-dressed, well-read, well-educated, can he spell??

I want you to stop this right now.

If you’re over 40 and have dated much at all, you’ve probably got a past full of these guys and they never worked out.

Ask yourself why.

Do any of the qualities listed above make a man a good person or a good husband?

No.

Yet most women value superficial qualities like this highly in the dating world.

I get it. I used to do the same thing.

And it’s much easier to notice when a man has these qualities than to take the time to discover his character.

But in the long run, a man’s main value to you is his availability to have the kind of relationship you want to have.

Because nothing else really matters if he is not available for this.

I teach a whole system of dating in my coaching program to teach you how to vet men for these qualities, but for now, I want you to understand how important it is to determine a man’s availability for a relationship with you.

Most women shop for men backwards. 

They find someone they are attracted to and then hope that he wants what they do.

Many times, they don’t even find out what he wants until it’s too late and they’ve already fallen for him.

This is a huge waste of time and emotional energy and can be very painful.

I want to encourage you to value men based on their availability for the kind of relationship you want.

This, along with their character, matters far more than the qualities you’re used to looking for.

And because most women don’t do this, you’ll have a lot more men to pick from.

Which means these men are often woefully undervalued in the dating market and you can scoop them up!

I’ll talk more about how to do that in next week’s episode.

I have a great resource to help you create your very own custom man plan so that you can find a quality man ASAP.

Click here to download it or go to bit.ly/MANPLAN

Welcome back!

This is part 2 of a 4 part series, so if you missed last week, go back and listen to that first.

In this episode, I’m talking about how to understand your own value in the dating market.

This might be a bit tough, so if you’re feeling tender today, I want to send you a big hug and encourage you to come back to this episode later when you’re feeling better.

If you’re ready for some truth bombs, come along with me now and know that everything I say is with love and in service to you so that you can find a great guy already.

Here goes.

So many women do not understand their value in the dating world.

They think that men value the same things women do (they don’t)

They think they look good for their age (they do, but it doesn’t help as much as you think)

They think that dating should look like it did when they were younger (it definitely doesn’t)

It’s really hard to be objective about your value in the dating market, but I have a handy shortcut.

Generally speaking, you are capable of attracting the bottom 80% or so of the men who have reached out to you on a dating platform within the last 2-3 months.

So if you want a realistic idea of who is actually in your league, go to your inbox and have a look. 

The “top” 10-20% of these men might date you (briefly), but they’re either trying to date everyone on the site or looking for someone younger/hotter than you. They’re perfectly happy to have some fun with you if you’re up for it, but don’t fool yourself that you can land these guys.

You probably don’t want to date the “bottom” 10-20%, so that leaves the middle 60% or so. You can even go for the high end of the middle if you’re getting enough men reaching out, but please understand that this is your pool, not everyone on the site.

If you don’t like this, there are 2 things you can do. I suggest you do both.

This is not fair and you might not like it, but we understand that life is not fair.

You’re probably never going to be the CEO of Apple, even though you are creative, intelligent and a good person.

You probably do not insist on owning the best car/house/clothing available in the world.

You understand that you do not need all of these things to have a great life.

You also don’t need the “best catch” the “entire package” or whatever you are calling this mythical creature that you would like to date.

You need a good man who loves you and wants to be with you.

He, or someone a lot like him, has probably been in your inbox in the last 3 months, or would be if you would get on a dating app.

So your value on the dating market pretty much amounts to who you are attracting right now and has nothing to do with how it should be or what it was like when you were younger.

If you accept this and work within these limits, you can definitely find a wonderful guy out there.Next week, I’ll tell you how to value the men who reach out to you.

I have a great resource to help you create your very own custom man plan so that you can find a quality man ASAP.

Click here to download it or go to bit.ly/MANPLAN

We romanticize love, relationships and dating in our culture.

We end up incredibly frustrated when it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen to us, and around the time we hit our 40s, we become increasingly discouraged and can often doubt whether it’s meant to be for us at all.

I think this is a shame and I want to offer you another point of view today.

What if there is no magic involved in the search for love?

What if I could show you that finding a connection and having love in your life is not only possible, but inevitable if you look at things a little differently and learn a few simple skills.

This is fantastic news, because it means there’s actually something you can do to help yourself have this experience.

This episode is the first of a 4 part series where I’m going to break down some very simple and pragmatic ideas that will help you find a great guy to share your life with, no miracles required.

Ready?

The first idea I want you to consider is that the world of singles who are seeking a connection is a marketplace.

There are a certain number of age-appropriate individuals in your geographic area who are open to having the kind of connection you want right now.

Of those people, a certain number of them will possess the traits you desire and be attracted to you.

These are the only people that you’re going to be able to have a lasting connection with.

You cannot control any of these variables except the number and nature of the traits you insist this person has and (to a certain extent) your attractiveness.

So in order to have the best chance of finding a loving connection in the least amount of time possible, the best thing to do is:

It’s really not that much different than looking for a house in that respect. Everyone is looking for the best deal possible in a limited marketplace. 

No one is going to go live under a bridge because they can’t buy a mansion right now. They’re going to “settle” for the sweet little fixer-upper and maybe go to Home Depot and buy some paint.

And, at some point, you might realize that you really didn’t want that mansion anyway. Did you really have the time and money for the upkeep? Would you have really used all those rooms?

But when it comes to finding a partner, so many people will refuse to do what they call “settling” and remain alone for years, hoping for lightning to strike. 

They’ll scroll, swipe, sigh, then give up dating for a few months or years because no one meets their standards. And when they return, they’re a few years older and things look even worse.

I only know this because I did it myself.

Being alone when you don’t want to IS settling.

The world of dating is essentially a marketplace where there are a finite number of people from which to choose who must also choose you. 

If you refuse to compromise on anything, you will continue to be alone, which is a good thing because you need to be able to compromise when you’re in a relationship anyway.

But if you learn to question your ideas about who is suitable and why, you stand a much better chance of connecting with an actual human in the not-too-distant future. 

The alternative is remaining alone for years over an idea that has nothing to do with reality in the name of waiting for a miracle that has pretty much no chance of happening and becomes even less likely with the passage of time.

Life goes by so fast and you’re spending years alone getting older instead of with someone who could be a wonderful partner.

And what is so romantic about that?

It infuriates me that ideas like this are the source of so much misery in the dating world and I want you to question them ruthlessly.

I have a great resource to help you create your very own custom man plan so that you can find a quality man ASAP.

Click here to download it or go to bit.ly/MANPLAN

I used to think that dating was something you didn’t ask for help with.

I felt ashamed and didn’t want to admit the extent of my struggles.

Instead, I hoped that people would just assume that I was happy and didn’t need a man.

But as the years went by, I cared less about what others thought.

I ached to find a man to share my life with and nothing I did was working.

I didn’t know how to make it happen and I didn’t want to believe that it wasn’t possible for me.

I finally realized that it wasn’t just going to happen one of these days, so I decided to hire a coach.

It was expensive, but when I look back, not asking for help was so much more costly.

I was single for 20 years.

I spent at least 10 hours a week:

Dating, thinking about dating, complaining about dating, reading self-help books about dating, googling dating tips, writing and re-writing my profile, texting, messaging, talking to guys or thinking about how to do those things, wracking my brain trying to figure out what was wrong with me, obsessing over guys who were pulling away, had broken up with me, or hadn’t called me, recovering from breakups and feeling terrible about the whole thing.

10 hours a week is actually a low estimate and over 20 years it adds up to 10,400 hours!

Now, consider just the financial cost of that. If you earn about $50 an hour, like I did back then, that’s $520,000.

Did it really make sense to try to do it on my own to save money?

I don’t think so.

I would have been so much more productive if I’d spent those hours happily coupled and working on something else, like building my business, getting an MBA or even just relaxing with my husband.

Time is a nonrenewable resource. 

I’ll never get those hours back, but I learned so much and I’m so happy that I eventually got support and found my wonderful husband.

I wish I’d known how much easier and less painful dating could be.

And it was extremely painful.

All the breakups, drama, thinking that dating was horrible and the world was a cold lonely place full of awful men who only wanted to use me.

Those years were hard and lonely years for me.

You can’t put a dollar amount on pain and suffering, but if I were offered a chance to avoid all of that by shelling out a few bucks, I’d be thrilled to do it.

What about you?

How much is waiting to figure this out on your own costing you in money, time and the emotional toll it takes to date without success?

If you’d like to learn how to attract the kind of man you really want to share your life with sooner rather than later, I can help you.

I have a great resource to help you create your very own custom man plan so that you can find a quality man ASAP.

Click here to download it or go to bit.ly/MANPLAN

Sometimes I talk to women who are desperate for a dating solution and are hoping I can deliver the goods.

I can of course, but not in the way they hope.

They want me to provide some kind of magical secret that will help them attract the same kinds of men they dated in their 20’s, even though none of them worked out.

Or let them in on some secret location where only good men hang out so that they can go to those places and just pick one.

Or even tell them a way to make a man (or certain kind of man) who’s not interested in dating them suddenly fall crazy in love with them and propose.

Now I’m not judging these women because I used to be just like them.

At one point in my dating journey, I was actually so desperate for a solution that I bought a book of magic spells and read it.

And I definitely tried all sorts of manifestation and feminine energy tricks and cleaning out my closet and such.

So I really do get it.

But this kind of thing is just plain ineffective.

It’s the equivalent of hoping that if you drink enough berry juice or whatever they’re hawking this week, you’ll magically turn into a 21 year old size 2 with gorgeous thighs by next Thursday.

If you want to find a great guy to share your life with, I promise you he’s out there and you can have this.

I believe that with all my heart.

But the solution is working on yourself and changing the way you date, not stumbling upon some sort of hack that requires no effort or change on your part.

This might seem like bad news, but it really isn’t because when you do this work you will evolve into the version of yourself who is actually capable of having the kind of relationship you want.

If you were this person already, you’d have the relationship already.

When you do the work to become this future version of yourself, you develop new ways of looking at things and new skills.

It will probably be hard and uncomfortable sometimes, but it will also be worth it, just like going to the gym, training for a marathon or developing yourself professionally.

When you decide that you want a great guy enough to do this kind of work, you get the amazing result of not just the guy in your life, but the person you become in the process.

A more mature, grounded, resilient and open-minded version of yourself.

And you stop wasting your time searching for magical hacks that require nothing of you, but don’t really work.

So, will you do it?

If you’d like my help with this, you need to check out my new program “Dating Mastery for Women Over 40”.

It’s open for enrollment right now. 

Just go to https://reneesuzannecoaching.com/mastery