Finding Me Again - passion, purpose and parenting

In this podcast Rachael describes the difficult transition out of a dance career and into finding herself.

“This is your amazing body…the fact that you can breathe like you do, the fact that you digest like you do, that you can think like you do…”

Rachael tells me about pilates and the Franklin Method and how they have shaped her life and connection to her body.

“If you can get to know your body and work with it - it feels like that’s the answer to everything…and not feeling guilty for giving it what it needs.”

We discussed how parenting has affected our bodies. Not just the births, nursing, sleepless nights, but me putting my back out wrestling with the kids when I should know better! I talked about the fear of doing fun things with my children for the last time to protect my body.

Rachael talked about all the preparation she did during pregnancy for labour.

“But then it was really disappointing to feel something’s not right in my pelvic floor…I felt embarrassed to go to the doctor.”

We looked at the impact of having a prolapse, how common it is, and Rachael’s approach for recovery and strengthening. Rachael runs a 6 week course on the pelvic floor, starting in Autumn 2021 (and at regular intervals each year. Check out https://www.rachhall.com/pelvicfloor

Rachael also does a Your Dream Body membership. You can get free classes on her website to get a taste of Rachael’s approach. I did one yesterday and it was fantastic. https://www.rachhall.com/yourdreambody

“Something about getting older and using your energy toward things that matter to you. And I don’t care anymore what people think of me.”

I’m joined today by my friend Dorien Davies, puppeteer, actor, mum to Poppy and passionate gardener.

Dorien explores becoming shyer as she gets older. Being an extrovert but becoming more uncomfortable at auditions, self critical and needing to conserve her energy for things that matter.

She talks about the school run and the mom who always looks so put together. Wondering why she didn’t even acknowledge her and learning to realise it’s not personal and that she doesn’t care!

She talks about thriving on hugs and being around others. Then the pandemic hitting and before that, her dad getting sick and dying. Before then she used to prioritise social time, drive to four children’s birthday parties in one weekend.

It was 100% harder, says Dorien, because “her only playmates were two 40 year olds” She talks about coping without work, people and creative outlets whilst trying to teach in Spanish (whilst not speaking Spanish).

Dorien talks about the joy of sending her daughter to beach camp and having the full day to herself.

Dorien talks about gardening as a healing ritual, even though she doesn’t have a garden. She’s become the head of the landscaping committee for her group on condos and has a veg box she tends with love, and runs the gardening curriculum at her daughter’s school. “

You can find Dorien as Lulu on Word Party and Duff’s Happy Fun Bake Time.

Osa tells her story of raising a premature baby, born at only 24 weeks old, and the everyday chat with nurses and other parents that got her through.

“That you knew how to do that, and that you were still excellent at your job and made my kid well and made me feel safe, but also took care of me…just what we needed.”

She talks about needing to forgive herself for taking a little time before she could see him, when he had just been born and was so at risk, to fortify herself. Osa shares how it felt to hold him for the first time, after 4 weeks.

Osa talks about the power of stories, her passion for them, both as a counsellor and for pleasure. Hearing of different experiences as a break from her now - recharging from her busy life. Retreating to someone else’s creativity. Also Rhianna.

Osa talks about having to live at Birmingham Children’s Hospital with her eldest son, whilst friends and family took care of her younger son. She describes not being able to feel like anyone. Feeling like a blob who was there only to take care of her boys.

Things then got better for her son’s health, a year passed, she got “all the jobs”. Then her hair started to fall out and Osa describes the impact of this on her identity and self worth.

“I went back to performing and back to working with young people and encouraging and motivating them and I think that was me unconsciously finding myself again. Back to the base of me.”

She changed her look at that time - colours and hair wraps, to connect to her identity.

Next Osa wants to put down one of her commitments to make space for more creativity, particularly writing and singing. Her beautiful voice closes out this episode.

Take Aways

• Listen to the people who know you, see your goodness and tell you that you are loveable.

• Take moments (perhaps your commute or returning from the school run) as recharging time.

• Fortify yourself before a tough day with powerful music.

• Explore clothing colour and hair style/wraps to re-connect with who you are.

• Honour your own needs and comforts, rather than just trying to please others.

Osa had so much wisdom and life experience to share with me that I’ve made a part 2, focusing on race and parenting as a black, British, Nigerian mum married to a white, British man, living in a mostly white area. Coming soon!

Osa is a counsellor, counselling tutor, singer and mum. She lives in Staffordshire with her husband and two sons.

Emma always enjoyed singing but never knew how to make a proper career of it.

We discuss her career in strategy and policy, when she already had the feeling that she wanted to do something with singing. The first links to that were when she had her son. A creativity focused family camp workshop on community singing created a profound experience. Her son became peaceful at singing workshops and she realised “this is it”

Emma had the challenge of training whilst working as a single mum, responsible for everything. She experienced the pull between her sense of purpose and her responsibilities and at one point it all became too much. She became unwell due to the mismatch and went through periods of despair.

The supportive extended family was incredibly valuable but she needed to prove her independence.

“Trust your instincts more.”

Emma talks about starting Shared Harmonies and how there are still aspects of it that are out of her skillset, even 8 years on - but even those are easy because it’s her purpose.

Emma uses singing to tune into her instincts, Kundalini yoga to shift energy - grounding and being in the right energetic place. She uses chants and mantras even when she only has a little bit of time. 5 rhythms dancing leaves her feeling refreshed. Energy Alignment Method helps to identify blockages on a physical, aura and energetic level, in order to move forward.

“we all need those moments of personal replenishment”.

Running a passion-led business, being a passionate parent, partner, daughter - all things you need to put energy into and get energy back from.  Replenishment is most needed when we’re busy.

The danger is that you put everything into it and leave nothing for yourself.

We discuss experiencing loneliness at work, not making eye contact, emailing not calling, hot-desking, then to have lock-down on top of this.

We talk about singing online and how to make it work, and about co-created songwriting, including ‘Our Song’ and how this combatted the feelings of grief, loss, panic and isolation of the early pandemic. This creation process included looking at connection to others, nature, self. We talk about how beneficial online communities have been, releasing endorphins, giving individual and collective experiences of happiness.

We look at the mis-match she experienced before. Emma compared the sense of achievement she feels at Shared Harmonies, the body experience of that.

“what could be more incredible than that? Pure pleasure and gift. That’s what running a passion led business is.”

Her mission is to bring singing to everybody and anybody and see what benefits they can enjoy. You don’t need to be an amazing singer to sing. We experience all the health benefits (better sleep, interrupted perception of pain, sense of euphoria, reduced stress hormones, trust hormones and connection with others - whether we or others think we’re a good singer or not. Take up space even if you’re not ‘perfect’. Use your voice.

“We often find the ones who say ‘my voice will clear the room’ get the most benefit.”

We touch on her being a single working mum, taking her son along to singing groups, practicing harmonies in the car with her. She now loves hearing him sing, has a singing family - all blasting out eclectic tunes at family events.

Take Aways

Sing.

Sing with others.

You can sing.

Fill yourself up in the ways that feel right for you - for your body, for releasing, for being expressive, whatever is your mixture.

Trust your instincts more. Use singing to tune into them.

Try Kundalini yoga.

Try 5 Rhythms Dance.

“People are important, we are important, the things that fill us up are important.”

www.sharedharmonies.co.uk

@sharedharmonies @sharedharmoniescic

[email protected]

Take Aways

Give yourself the best part of the day to focus on passions and fulfilment. Is it early morning, lunchtime, late at night? How can you carve out uninterrupted time at that time of day?

Feeling frumpy or lacking identity? Reconnect with the style you had before kids. 

If you feel yourself burning out, be realistic about how long you can continue and if you need to leave a job/commitment now, find a way. Pay attention to sleep and anxiety as an indicator.

Make yourself accountable by telling people you are planning to do something new.

Carry on in your creative super power, get back up, stay on the path.

Do it messy. Create for creating’s sake. There doesn’t need to be an end product.

If you want your children to enjoy life and engage with hobbies and passions, model your enjoyment of yours.

You can find Emma on www.emmaisaacs.co.uk and @emmaisaacsdesign on Instagram

If you’re a creative, sign up for Emma’s mailing list for support and tips and to be the first to know about her next intake of coaching. Check out her gorgeous podcast Creative Ways Podcast and follow @CreativeWaysPodcast on Instagram

This podcast has a sister video - available to my mailing list subscribers www.findingmeagain.me/podcast.

My guest today is Jamie Brittain, co-creator of Skins, writer for Breeders and loving, playful dad to a daughter. We discuss the impact of success on mental health, preparing to be a parent, immersing yourself in play and attempting to never, never compare yourself to other parents.

Jamie Brittain

Finding balance as a Dad through gaming, sweeping & Freud.

@matronboy

Jamie talks about creating Skins as a teenager, with his well-known writer Dad. The success of the show and how this connected to lows of mental health. Struggles with OCD and dark moments went alongside the production of the show’s long run and the aftermath. His sense of self-worth plummeted and his circuitry felt scrambled.

Jamie talks about loneliness after Skins, feeling unable to work or look after himself properly, feeling lost and bleak, wasting time, for a long time. Watching ‘every movie’ got him through and has provided a foundation for work and life since.

He talks about resentment of others’ happiness, a sign of being unfulfilled and lost.

Jamie talks about coming off medication, leading to recovery and readiness to meet his partner and have their daughter. Together these created the turning point towards happiness. A fresh start. Getting pregnant led to him wanting to straighten himself up, attend therapy and prepare to be the father he hoped to be.

We discuss the difficulty of parenting and the expectations we had.

Jamie explains the reward and hard work of years of ‘full-on freudian psychotherapy’, examining his childhood and learning about his inner processes. He has built a more stable sense of self, a sense of being good enough to write again and indeed to parent.

We talked about children’s in-built personalities, the chaos, without sure instructions, trying not to repeat parents’ mistakes with these unique individuals. The false certainty of parenting books.

Jamie looked at the contrast between preparing for the baby and the reality once the baby was home. He talked about anxiety and fear, the journey into the unknown.

Jamie talked about giving up smoking and partying. Despite the difficulty, Jamie compared parenthood to his life before which had been so unfulfilling and boring, and was ready to live a more consequential life.

We discussed the difficulty but the importance of being present. The weird abstract games with his daughter, pretending to be Jackson the pirate. Losing himself in her fantasy world, despite the to-do list. Becoming playful and present and re-connecting with his inner child. Jamie talks about how to get more out of this time with your child.

Jamie created a script about Philip Larkin as soon as he found out they were pregnant - the script of which he is the most proud. Writing on Breeders also created fulfilment. He realised the need to be willing to put himself into his work, be vulnerable enough.

We looked at social media and connectedness, and the impact of comparing ourselves to other parents. Jamie was inspired by Matt Haig’s book Reasons to Stay Alive, which implores people again and again don’t compare yourself to others. We looked at Mumsnet fights and the need to resist comparison.

Jamie talked about the value of reading and video gaming for stress release, becoming more mindful about gaming after having his daughter. Jamie found Spelunky powerful - hard work pays off, there’s nothing for free - a form of meditation and a huge achievement to complete it, over months and months, in the first year of his daughter’s life. Building up his tolerance for long-term reward.

Jamie recommended giving yourself over fully to whatever you’re doing - the sweeping, cleaning the bathroom twice. Fully immersing himself in play with his daughter. Finding calm and soothing in doing one thing at a time, something that can have an end product. Putting in the hard work.

• Do one thing at a time, with everything you have. Minimise distractions and throw yourself into playing with your child and engaging in your hobbies and passions.

• Engage in therapy and keep going even when the returns seem limited. Invest in this self-exploration for yourself as a person and to benefit your parenting.

• Notice if you are feeling resentful of others’ happiness. Use this as a sign of being unfulfilled and disconnected. Prioritise self-reflection, attend therapy if you can, address it.

• Do not compare yourself to other parents, whether favourably or negatively.

• Explore forms of meditation, which for Jamie included playing Spelunky. Engage in hard work processes, where rewards are long-term, rather than quick, less fulfilling returns like social media.

• Play.

Breeders series 2 is out now.

Find Jamie @matronboy on Twitter

Mailing list subscribers, you will receive a video this week guiding you through the process of putting other things to the side and immersing yourself in playing with your child(ren) so that you can all get the most out of it. Subscribe here

Please rate the show on iTunes. Thank you!

My guest today is choreographer and creator of Common People Dance Project and the Living Room Dance Party, Neridah Waters, pioneer of “bold, bright, daggy, funny and joyful” dancing!

Neridah Waters

Pioneer of “bold, bright, daggy, funny and joyful” dancing!

We discuss Neridah feeling lost in the first two years of being a mother. She had become jaded with her theatre work and was unsure of where her place was within the performing arts.

When she had her son, none of her good friends had children and were still touring shows, she was away from her family and her husband was working away a lot. She felt extremely lost, lonely and trapped. She struggled with the early stage of motherhood and had no idea how she could earn money or move forward. She felt jealous of the immersive passion her friends had. She’s a ‘natural extrovert and community-based human’ and missed the connection they were all still having.

Neridah suffered panic attacks in early motherhood and felt ‘magic’, with no sense of self, vividly imagining the angry judgement of others and knowing it felt mentally unhealthy.

She missed the playful, naughty person she used to be and didn’t know how she could marry that with being a mother.

Working through her postpartum mental challenges was made possible due to the support of her mother-in-law and working with a psychologist. She also learned to delegate to her husband.

Finding her calling started with the Queensland Music Festival, choreographing in rural areas. She had done this before having a baby and she returned to in his second year. Working away for a week per month was liberating. She realized she could do it again, her brain still worked and she fed off the joy of the townspeople performers.

The turning point was remembering the Rock Eisteddfod with its huge production values and themes, from back in high school. Neridah had been rejected from her school’s Eisteddfod as a teenager and felt so jealous “to this day I’m carrying the bitterness in my puff sleeves”. She put out the call to everyone - celebrating the rejects, everyday people and 80s and 90s music. It resonated with people immediately especially those in their 30s and 40s, many of them mums. Hilarity, community and connection ensued.

She knew to create a whole atmosphere. The half time oranges meant team. No one would be stretching their leg up the wall to intimidate a new person arriving. She put herself lower status and promoted body positivity, all ages, all abilities, wanting dance to be accessible.

Finding her gift to the world was just what she had done at the age of 5-8 with the neighbourhood kids, doing shows for drunk parents.

She found herself teaching playfulness to people with hugely responsible jobs and being filled up by their enjoyment of it.

Next steps: managing people and delegating. Stressing that punters may be dissatisfied. Growing faster than she can get systems in place for. At home logistics, being fizzy and being unproductive, headless chicken. 

Take-aways

• Connect to your body, passion, be who you really are. Doing what the 7 year old you used to love.

• Finding smidgens of time to be playful and put your responsibilities on the shelf for even an hour.

• Pay attention to balance. After teaching classes and dancing for three days per week, Neridah rests for the rest of the week, accesses physiotherapy, massage, yoga and stretching, protects introvert time with her family, turning down invitations if needed.

• Think about what you loved before kids, as a child, what makes you feel alive.

• Write frustrations down to be clear about what you want to explore. Neridah used The Artist’s Way technique of writing daily morning pages - stream of consciousness, identifying patterns and complaints in her body, desired to be acted on.

Neridah advocates putting a lot of energy out and accepting the need to suck a lot back in, being precious of downtime and we discussed accessing the superpower of not caring what people think!

Mailing list subscribers, this week you’ll receive a video guiding you through 3 ways you can explore, reflect on and make plans based on the things you used to love when you were a child and bringing those into your adult life to find fulfilment. Join the mailing list here

This podcast is for parents feeling lost and unfulfilled, ready to discover what they need to re-connect to themselves and their passions again.

Let’s fill you up now.

Join my mailing list for accompanying videos, with tips and exercises for finding your own blend of fulfilment.

www.findingmeagain.me