Fixer Upper Marriage

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

FixerUpperMarriage.org/respect

Friday, December 1st, 1978

I am 3 years old and I am looking out the side door of our house into our massive garage. My dad and mom are pulling up in our red Pontiac sedan. It was built like a tank and it felt like riding in a boat. Sitting in the back seat when my dad mashed the gas, was like riding a wave or something. I think every car was like a muscle car back then.

So my dad parks the car in the garage and I am watching my mom gingerly get out of the passenger side. Soon, they are both huddled around the back seat looking at a pile of blankets. My dad carefully carries the pile of blankets up the steps in the garage that leads to the door where I am standing.  

They seem excited as he gently places the blankets on the kitchen table and starts peeling the layers back. As I stretch to look at what was inside the blankets a stunning realization hit me. I am a proud big brother to little baby girl.

As it turns out, being a big brother is harder than it looks. We did everything together but fought a lot.

One year at Christmas there was a big gift under the Christmas tree. So looking at the tag, I realize that is for both of us. We both open it together and just like a big brother I am helping my little sister with her part. Inside, there’s this grey box that smells like new plastic. On the front in big letters, the words printed say, “NINTENDO”.  It was the popular video game console of the 80s.

It came with a game called, “Super Mario Brothers”, and of course we fight about who would get to be player one. Only one person could play at a time, so you had to wait on player one to mess up! It is not like video games today where you hit the “save” button and come back later. You have three lives and when you died, you started from the beginning. So it would take a while for player one to finish sometimes. But I am a big brother, so I let her be player one because that is what big brothers do, they let their little sister go first.

Then one day, she meets this “guy”, and I am asking lots of questions because that’s what big brothers do, they protect their little sister. She starts spending time with him instead of me, but that’s OK because she was happy and that’s what big brothers do, they let their little sister be happy.

Before long, I am 24 years old and looking out the door of our church into our massive parking lot. And I am watching my little sister get into car in a wedding dress. She is leaving to live 4 hours away. That’s OK because that’s what big brothers do, they let their little sister go. 

As it turns out, being a big brother isn’t about being a big brother at all. It’s about having a little sister and what being together means to you. It’s about the way you treat each other.

Being a big brother is like being a husband. Marriage is really not about being a husband or a wife at all; it’s how you treat each other inside your marriage. To be a husband, you have to treat your wife like a wife, and your wife has to treat you like a husband.

Marriage is all about treating each other with respect.

According to Merriam-Webster’s dictionary respect as a verb means, “: to consider worthy of high regard : ESTEEM”

In 1965, recording artist Otis Redding released a song entitled Respect. It was about a man pleading for respect when he gets home from work every day. It became a major part of pop culture when soul singer Aretha Franklin released a new version of the same song that became a 1967 hit and signature song for her. She made it about a woman demanding respect.

But in marriage, you shouldn’t have to plead for respect or demand it. You shouldn’t even have to earn it. It should be lovingly given by a couple in love.

This is R-E-S-P-E-C-T, seven ways to spell respect in your marriage

For context read Ephesians 5:21-33

1. Remember Your Spouse's Desires
2. Esteem Your Spouse Better Than Yourself
3. Sense How You Are Making Your Spouse Feel
4. Practice Believing in Each Other
5. Expect Your Marriage to Succeed
6. Cherish Your Love Relationship
7. Talk About How You Are Treating Each Other
8. Summary

The way that you treat each other determines the level of respect in your relationship. Respect in marriage is something you do, not something that just happens. By speaking to my wife in a certain tone or manner, I am respecting her as a person and as my wife. And the same goes for her towards me.

Here are some practical ways to show respect:

• Choose your words carefully.- Once they are out, you just can’t get them back. Think before you speak.
• Don’t expect your spouse to do something that you are not willing to do yourself. If you wouldn’t do it, why would you expect them to?
• Treat your spouse the way you would want to be treated. Ask yourself a question like, would I want my husband to talk to me like that? Or would I want my wife to treat me that way?
• Listen to what your spouse has to say. Be listening, you are showing ultimate respect to them. It lets your spouse know that you care enough about what they think to listen to them.

It’s easy to get caught up in all the things that you need or want and forget that your spouse has needs as wants a well. Respecting your spouse means that you are willing to be there for them and meet their needs and desires. When you are saying your vows you are giving yourselves to each other.

You have to respect their needs and desires. Sometimes my wife needs a hug or a little attention. I don’t just randomly feel like a need “a good hug”, but she does. So I respect that need for an emotional connection that she has. And guys have needs and too. So by respecting those needs and wants, you are respecting your spouse.

So take out a piece of paper and pen, or just your mind and imagine doing this. Write down a list of the things that you know that your spouse needs and wants. What are some ways that you can give them those desires?

Here is a personal example. I know that my wife sometimes needs “a good hug”. So when I get home from work I can go straight to her and give her that hug. As a stay-at-home mom, after being with our kids all day, she more than likely needs one. Maybe start with one need that you know your spouse has, and show respect to them by trying your best to meet it.

Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. 

Submitting yourselves -This means that in love you submit yourself to the needs and desires of your spouse. This is how you really respect your spouse, by submitting to them. Sometimes when I hear the word submit, I think about wrestling, where one player in the match finally submits! This is not what the Bible means in this verse. It means yield to another’s control.

One to another- In marriage, you are giving yourselves to one another. So you are giving yourself to your spouse to meet their needs and desires to the extent that you can. Before you are married, your decisions are all made with your best interests in mind, but now you make decisions with your spouse’s best interest in mind.

In the fear of God- Your submission to one another is intimately tied to your faith. So if you are not submitted to God, you can’t really submit in the right way to your spouse. You always submit to God first because He is more important than anyone else in your life. If you are not submitted to God, you can try to use this principle but it will not work like God intended for it to work if you don’t have faith. We talked about this in the lesson title Why and How You Should Have a Me 1st Marriage.

Marriage is the ultimate gift because you are giving yourself to the person that you love. “I love you so much that I am giving me to you.” At the end of the day, “you” are the most valuable commodity that you could ever possess. The following are some practical ways to give yourself away in marriage:

1. You give your heart to your spouse. By saying yes to loving Amber, I said no to everyone else in the world. I think that “no to everyone else” is the hangup for a lot of people concerning marriage. You are committing to not seek romantic love from anyone else. When you really love your spouse you don’t have wandering eyes! My mother used to say that about couples, that things would not work out if one of them still had wondering eyes.
2. You give your plans to your spouse. I am not going ANYWHERE without my wife. Because I love her, she is now a part of any plans that I make. So you have to consider how any career or ministry choices are going to impact your spouse and your marriage. Even though you may want to do something, you have to have the support and consideration of your spouse. Although the husband is the head of the wife, it doesn’t mean he can just do whatever he wants. Instead, he has to prayerfully consider the impact that his decisions will have on his wife and his family. Your love for your spouse is more important than your ambitions. In fact, your first ambition should be to love your spouse.
3. You give your body to your spouse. The thing that most people love and pamper the most, is one of the most important things that you give away to your spouse. When you get married your body no longer belongs to you, it belongs to your spouse. So I have no right to share my body with anyone else because it’s not mine to share. It’s not mine anymore. 

I have no right to fill my eyes with pornographic images or use my hands to touch some else intimately. I have no right to develop a relationship with someone else or “push the envelope” with someone or something else. I don’t have the right to have a private relationship with anyone else. You shouldn’t have anything on your computer or phone that you wouldn’t want your spouse to see.

The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife

This is a Bible principle that too many people are missing today. Respecting your spouse means giving them your body.

Showing respect to your spouse also means that you take care of your spouse like you would take care of yourself. This is the biblical principle that you love your spouse more than yourself.

So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: 

Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. 

Consider participating in the following relationship challenge:

Think about one thing that you really want for yourself, then add the monetary value of the item up. Buy something of similar value to your spouse that has no direct benefit to you instead. So give up something you want to give your spouse something that they want. For example, let’s suppose I am interested in fly fishing (I have no desire or idea how).  I would determine how much money I would need to spend in order to get started. But I would save up that amount of money and spend it on something for my wife that she would like. 

This is the kind of love that God wants you to have in marriage.

If you are going to be a Christian, you will have to be Christian to your spouse first. This is how this principle works. In your mind, you place the other person as more important than you. This doesn’t mean that they are more important than you, but you are going to treat them that way because you are a Christian. The principle is described in the following Bible verse:

Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. 

So when the husband, who is the Biblical head of the wife, thinks about his wife, he considers her in his mind better than himself. And the wife considers her husband better than herself. The problem is that this kind of love makes you vulnerable to hurt, but you are giving yourself away in the act of loving your spouse.

What happens when the husband esteems his wife better than himself, and the wife esteems her husband better than herself? You paint the picture of Christ and the Church with your marriage! 

Jesus thought so much of you that He literally gave his life and his body for you. And the kind of faith that you should have in Him causes you to give your life and your body away to him. A good Christian marriage will cause a husband and wife in love to make more disciples for Jesus. So once you give yourself away, you can now give the Gospel away to the people within your influence. Without giving yourself away, you can’t really relate to the Gospel that you give away. 

There are a lot of people who are trying to have the best marriage. They want to have a better marriage than anyone they know. I suppose that is honorable, and could be a good thing, but I don’t think it is necessarily Biblical. You should compare your marriage to the standards of Ephesians 5:21-33.

To be honest, there are times when I feel like my marriage is so dysfunctional when I look at other people. We have things we are always working on, and just when it seems like we have something down, there is something else we discover that we have to work on. And to be totally, unabashedly honest, sometimes we feel like failures compared to other people.

But when I look at the Bible standards, even though it seems hard at first, I see something I can attain too.  Can I be a leader to my wife? (vs 23) yes. Can I give my life to my wife? (vs 25) yes. Can I love her more than myself? (vs 28) yes. Maybe having the perfect marriage is not as important as loving each other and following the Bible model! I am just saying that maybe the thing we are aiming for is not what God wants us to aim for.

Instead of trying to be perfect, how about just love each other unreservedly and serve God together. It seems like this may free you up to advance the Gospel, which is what will really matter in eternity. I don’t think at the Bema Seat(the time in the future where all Christian will answer to Jesus for their lives) that there will be a “perfect marriage” crown.  There may be one for treating your spouse like a Christian would and doing your best to do your part in the Church though.

Let me list them out to illustrate who this works:

1. Submitting to one another (vs 21) The focus of the submitting is on the other.
2. Wife submitting to her husband (vs 22 and 24) The focus of the submitting is to the husband.
3. The husband as head of his wife (vs 23-24) The focus is on the wife as the object.
4. The husband to love his wife (vs 25- 33) The focus is on the wife being loved.
5. The wife showing reverence to her husband (vs 33) 

Treating your spouse with respect is sensing how you are making them feel. Respect is something you give, but it is also something that is experienced by the recipient.  So respect in marriage is tied to how you are making your spouse feel. 

In the arms of your lover, your world shrinks to just two. Love is this amazing experience that isolates two people from a crowded world. My wife is my whole world. If she can believe in me, that is all that really matters. Marriage is about believing in each other. That’s why you fell in love, got engaged, and tied the knot!

For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 

The Bible paints this picture of marriage that seems impossible. The formula is for the wife to respect her husband like the Church respects Jesus. And for the husband to treat is his wife the way that Jesus treats the Church. Love makes it possible to treat your spouse this way. Love is the mechanism that God created to allow you to respect each other in unimaginable ways.

For the wife to reverence her husband in this way requires her to exercise love and understanding that cannot be found anywhere else in this world. For a husband to treat his wife with this kind of love is unprecedented in this world, that a man would give his entire life for a woman. This is the love that a Christian marriage demands.

Respect is you giving your spouse a chance even when it seems undeserving. This makes me think about how the Lord gives me chance after chance in our relationship. Also, to be completely honest, there are times when I don’t understand what His doing, so I have to give Him a chance even when it seems impossible!

Marriage is the one relationship in this world that is worth risking everything to keep and restore. When your spouse is struggling, it gives you a chance to love and respect them. I think this is one of the greatest things about love and marriage. When one of you fails, the other is there to pick you up. The Bible illustrates this principle.

Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.

When your spouse makes a mistake, you have the opportunity to show your spouse what it means to be loved by a Christian. Because Christians in love believe in each other. This is the kind of respect that can change your life and cause your marriage to thrive.

Although sometimes you may have to have a firm hand of love in your relationship. For example, if your spouse is physically abusing you, demand that they get help for their temper. Or if your spouse is unfaithful, demand that they stop. You don’t tolerate sin and failure, but you believe in your spouse when they make the effort to change. And it may take that kind of firm love to push them to change, knowing that same Christian love will be there to take them back in.

Give respect to your spouse even when they have violated that respect. Just like God restores you after you make mistakes. After all, you never know when the shoe will be on the other foot. You never know when you will need to receive grace instead of giving it.

I love being in love. It’s that feeling of losing yourself and being madly in love with someone else. It’s a friendship, but it’s more than that. It’s family, but it’s more than that. When you fall in love, you lose yourself in the life of the person you love. But cultivating that love and keeping it thriving is up to you. So You have to own your relationship and do your part to keep your love strong.

My wife loves houseplants. She has a green thumb and treats them like pets. She makes sure they are watered, have good drainage, and plenty of sunlight. When she has one, and she usually does, she takes good care of it. But for the plant to look nice and grow she has to put in the work to take care of it.

Love is the same way. You have to keep it up if it is going to thrive. You can’t neglect it and expect it to magically stay the same. You have to trim the dead leaves off, you have to water it, and you have to make sure it has plenty of sunlight. Falling in love is easy, but it takes work to stay in love.

Respect means that you have a certain expectation that your love will succeed. 

According to the Oxford dictionary Cherish means to protect and care for someone lovingly. 

Treat your spouse like a treasure. You are mine and I will love and respect you. The language of Ephesians 5 makes this principle clear. 

So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: 

Your spouse is the most valuable thing in this world that you will ever have. So treat them like they are. Love is such an intense emotion that it sometimes causes you to fight. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything is wrong in your relationship. So just try to recover quickly and makeup. Making up is part of adoring your lover! And it’s also kinda fun to makeup- just saying!

When I am tempted to break my marriage vows, I don’t because I love my wife too much. And that love is something I want to protect. When I think about all the traps in the world that are designed to destroy my love for my wife it makes me angry because I want to protect that love. It is easier today than ever to keep secrets from your spouse. So you must be more diligent than ever to protect that love. 

• When you are dealing with the opposite sex for whatever reason be aware that you have a love to protect with your spouse first and foremost. So I am not going to do or say something that could lead to harm to my love for my spouse.
• When you are on the computer or your phone, be aware that the internet and social media are wrought with traps that could damage your marriage. So I am not going to do or say something online that I wouldn’t want my spouse to see.

You have to cherish and protect your love. That is how you can respect your spouse.

This is one of the hardest things to do in marriage, but one of the most important, talking about your relationship. The way you learn how to respect each other is to talk about it. 

When you first meet it is like a confrontation, but a confrontation that leads to eventually falling in love. That moment when I first met Amber was truly a confrontation for me. I had to confront my fears, doubts, and insecurities. But I somehow overcame all of that and talked to her that first time, not knowing how far things would go. After a while, we fell hopelessly in love! Without that initial confrontation, that love would have never happened.

Sometimes, or most of the time, the best thing you can do for your love is to have a confrontation about how you feel and to find out how your spouse feels. You may discover some things about your relationship that you did not even realize. Have you ever thought your spouse meant something only to find out that they never meant that at all? You can only find these things out by talking about how you feel and listening to how your spouse feels.

The truth is that your spouse can’t know how to respect you if you don’t tell them how! That is hard to do but worth it. If your spouse is doing something you don’t like, tell them! How else are they supposed to know? Sometimes men seem obvious because we don’t always see the world in color. We see in black and white and keep things simple. But women, on the other hand, can have much more complicated emotions and feelings. So there can be a disconnect that can only be fixed by talking about it.

A confrontation could be the very thing that turns your love and your marriage around. 

Love without communication is like a car without an engine, it’s not going ANYWHERE. Find a way and a time to talk about things you are unhappy about in your marriage. I have read about couples who schedule a time to critique each other in the marriage, maybe that would work for you or maybe not. Regardless, find a time that works for you both and be deliberate about it. I am one of those people who get “hangry”, it means when I am hungry, I am also grumpy. So talking to me about something that I could get defensive about while I am “hangry” is not a good idea! Ok, here is a really good tip: never talk about how you feel in a text message! Talk in person, please!

It is better to talk about how you feel now than to be unhappy for a few years and finally get separated or divorced.  What a shame when all you had to do was to communicate your feelings and your spouse could know how to respect you. I think that sometimes women, in general, make the mistake of expecting their man to read their minds. No, mean can’t read your mind and intuitively know what you want, you have to talk about. There are also a lot of men who just put up with not getting what they want until they finally give up and look for whatever they want somewhere else. It would be a lot easier to just talk about it! 

Respect is about knowing how to respect each other as the individual person you each are. It is the process of learning how to love each other over the course of your life together.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Remember Your Spouse’s Desires

Esteem Your Spouse Better Than Yourself

Sense How You Are Making Your Spouse Feel

Practice Believing in Each Other

Expect Your Marriage to Succeed

Cherish Your Love Relationship

Talk about How You Are Treating Each Other

The post Seven Ways to Spell Respect in Your Marriage appeared first on Fixer Upper Marriage.

FixerUpperMarriage.org/me

Newsletter

I dropped the phone on my bed. It was late and something had just snapped inside of me. I am letting go of my phone, but actually I am letting go of something much bigger. And it feels good. It had taken me almost a year to get to this point, but I am here now trying to make sense of how I feel. 

I had just said something that at one time I wondered if I would ever be able to say. I didn’t know what would happen next, but it didn’t matter right now. Everything had just changed. 

I buried the hurt from everyone, and now it was coming back out. I knew once I said what I was going to say, I would never be able to take it back. So I paused for a moment, took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and just let the words come out. It took all the courage I could muster but I finally did it.

At that moment I let go of me. I let go of my past. I let go of everything that I was holding on to that made me feel safe. It was like stepping off a cliff not knowing where I would land. 

Just a few minutes earlier I had slowly picked up the phone and punched in the number. My heart was racing and my hands were sweating as I listened to the ringing tone on the other end. The conversation wouldn’t really matter this time, only the last phrase. I kept repeating that phrase to myself in my head the whole time.

When her voice picked up, I stumbled through the conversation for a while. Then I just said it. It was three little words that I knew would change me forever.

I said, “I love you”.  And the response on the other end still echos in my mind 17 years later, “I Love you too.”  I gave in to love, and love gave in to me.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

This is Why and How You Should Have a Me 1st Marriage.

1. A Me 1st Story
2. There Cannot Be Two without One First
3. Love Is Ultimately a Self-Focused Emotion
4. A Team Is Only as Good as Its Members
5. Take Time to Focus on Your Personal Well-Being
6. Evaluate Yourself Periodically
7. Make Personal Time for Yourself
8. Summary

When we were little, my sister and I would fight, and then blame each other for starting it. My mother would then say, “It takes two to tango!” She meant that it takes two people to fight, just like it takes two to perform the Tango dance!

But marriage is like a life-long Tango dance. You hold each other tightly and maneuver through the rhythm of life together.

You just can’t go solo in a Tango. You have to have a lover to love. You have to be lovable to be loved. The dance of love can only begin when the lovers find each other.

And it’s the “each other” that draws out the passion of love. When two individuals merge in the dance of love, it’s the individual parts that make it work.

Each partner in the dance must do their part or the dance will not work. There is a lead and a follow. So the expression of your individual self within the love relationship keeps the dance of love going. You must maintain the “you” part in your relationship in order for your love to work.

You both have to know how to Tango. Marriage depends on two people to make it work. So you have to be involved if your marriage is going to work. That’s why it is so important for you to focus on you because if you can’t do your part in love, it will not work properly.

Before you were married it was you, but now it is the two of you. The individuality that you bring into the marriage relationship is what makes it so special.

You meet someone because of what you have in common but fall in love because of what is different about each other. For example, when I met my wife, we met in a church because we had faith in common, but I fell hopelessly in love with her because of things that she had that I did not. She has a beautiful smile that changes the entire atmosphere in a room. She is kind, loving, and can carry a conversation. I am none of that by the way!

Those individual traits are what makes love so wonderful. Two people with separate lives join those lives together in ultimate fulfillment love, a lifetime commitment.

Love starts out as this abrupt, emotional collision! It’s like the “big bang” of life when you love someone so much that your lives collide in an incredible explosion of passion. It’s a love that is so intense that you lose yourself in it. The thing is, you keep losing yourself for a lifetime.

But the truth is, becoming lost in love makes you better as an individual. You never really lose “you” in losing yourself in love; you change into a better form of you. Love is designed to make the individual in love better. Loving your spouse is, in essence, an improvement of yourself.

One in love with the other one makes one! 

1+1=1  

But in the formula of love you never really lose the individual ones. You and your spouse join together and make one love together. You cannot make the 1 love together without the 1 and the 1.

This goes all the way back to the beginning of life as we know it. God made an individual man with all his personal characteristics. Then God made an individual woman with all her personal characteristics. Then the sparks flew when He put them together.

In the beginning, He made them one in a covenant between Him and them.

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. 

But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female.  For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. 

For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 

God makes you one based on a promise that you make between Him and your spouse. The act of marriage makes you one. You don’t lose the individual you; instead, you merge the individual you with the other individual that you love. 

If you don’t take care of yourself, you are not honoring your part of the marriage covenant. There cannot be two if you are not taking care of yourself. 

Together, you make one in the marriage covenant. You have to keep the “you”  in order to have two to make one in the covenant. By taking care of yourself, you are in essence loving your spouse. By taking care of you, you are giving your spouse the best version of you possible. This is a giving that you should not only do on your wedding day but throughout the course of your marriage. 

Every day you are wrapping the gift of you giving it to your spouse. And that you should be the best gift that you can give. You are one flesh because you are giving yourself to each other. 

If you are not taking care of you, what kind of gift are you giving your spouse? Sometimes we treat the gift of ourselves like just picking up something around the house and losing wrapping it. No, when you love someone you give them the best gift that you can.

I remember shopping for an engagement ring for my wife. I asked a mutual friend to do some covert snooping for me. Then I saved up and bought her the best I could. It was a gift that I gave to her to symbolize my love for her.

You should treat the gift of you like it is worthy of the love you have for your spouse. What about the gift that Jesus gives to you? He gives the gift of love, and it is the gift of himself. And He is a perfect gift. So much so that He was sinless.

Who gave himself for us, that he might redeem us from all iniquity, and purify unto himself a peculiar people, zealous of good works. 

I have this thought in my heart and on my mind but this hard to convey so you may have to listen a little more intently to get it. I just can’t find a way to express this in language, but I will do my best.

Last week, we went around the class and took turns finishing the sentence, “I knew I loved my spouse when…” One of a couple of recurring themes was how your spouse made you feel at a certain time brought you to the point of loving them.

I realized that I loved my wife when I knew that she was not going anywhere. She made me feel like I could trust her. It was all about how she made me FEEL. That’s because, at its core, romantic love is self-focused.

You fall in love because of what you get from being in love. So you fall out of love when you stop getting what made you fall in love, to begin with. All the bitterness and anger of a broken love can be summed up with this phrase, “I stopped getting.” 

Love is about what you get, but real love is also about what you give.

Many lovers have fallen hopelessly in love with what they are getting instead of what they are giving to their relationship. So the love stops with the getting. We call it different things like, “the honeymoon is over,” or “the seven-year itch” but the truth is as simple as your primal desire to get. You stopped getting. 

Love is really about what you get out of it, but you get it through giving. The reward is the love that you get back in return, and the feeling that giving in love gives to you.

By bringing pleasure to my spouse I am bringing pleasure to me. Love is an action and a noun. The action part is you giving it and the noun is you getting it. So love is two-sided- giving and getting.

In love, Jesus gave His life for you. In return He gets you. So he gives love freely with the potential reward of getting you.

Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God. 

His giving includes the potential reward of love in return.

You and your spouse are a team that works together to meet each other’s needs and ultimately as Christians to make disciples for Jesus. But your team cannot work right without both of you participating. So the “you” in love becomes important to the team of marriage.

Micheal Jordan was one of the greatest basketball players of all time. He looked like he was floating through the air and seemed to make any shot whenever he wanted. The better his competition, the better his game got. But his team, the Chicago Bulls, was awful. Until one day he realized that all the defensive attention he got from other teams left his teammates open. So he started passing the ball and ended up winning a record 6 NBA championships. That’s what a team is, sharing the load and working together.

So one person can’t make your marriage what it should be. That is why it is important that you provide the “player” that the team of your marriage needs.

Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? 

Animals are yoked together to create more power to operate things like a plow. So God says an unequal yoke with an unbeliever and believer will not work. In the same way, if you are not being the best you can be in the marriage relationship, you are creating a “yoke” relationship that is not what it should and could be. Your marriage will not work the way that God designed it without you being in the yoke with your spouse and working together.

God designed marriage to be two individual people working together to meet each other needs and ultimately to make disciples for Him. It starts with your family and moves to other people. After a decade of holding out, I finally had my book, “Full Assurance” printed because if I can help you with that, you can become a bold witness and make disciples. I am writing a marriage book because if I can help you with your marriage you can focus together on making disciples for Jesus. 

When you are single, this is easy to do because you really only have to take care of you. But when you get married, you have a spouse to take care of. Then when you have kids, you are to take care of them. Somewhere in all this, YOU get lost. 

You have to remember, that YOU are an important part of your marriage relationship and you need to take care of yourself. Some things are out of your control, so you have to focus on things that you can control instead. There are three parts of you that need attention in order for you to be the best you.

1. Body- Your physical health. God gave you a body to share with your spouse and you should not neglect it. You should do your best to take care of that body.
2. Soul- Your mind, will, and emotions. You have to consider your mental well being. If you are not in a good place, you can’t be good for your spouse.
3. Spirit- Your relationship with God. This is the part of you that is dead until you put your faith in Jesus. You have to take care of your relationship with God. Honestly, if you can’t be a Christian to your spouse, you can’t be to anyone else!

This principle is taught in the Bible, we are what’s called triune beings. God created you with three parts, the last being the way you can connect with Him. 

And you hath he quickened, who were dead in trespasses and sins;

Although the spiritual part is definitely the most important, you should not neglect the others. God made you and intends for you to be healthy. You have to have a balance in your life.

So you take the three parts of you and write down an action plan with goals to improve yourself. Here is an example from my personal life:

1. Body

Problem- I just don’t feel healthy right now.

Plan- I am drinking more water, eating smaller servings, and trying to get some form of exercise every day.

Goal- To lose 20 pounds and feel better within the next 6 months

1. Soul

Problem- Stress

Plan- I am going to start using more checklists and manage my time better.

Goal- To finish my marriage book by this coming fall. And to be more organized overall.

1. Spirit

Problem- I don’t feel as close to God as I have in the past.

Plan- Spend 15 extra minutes in Bible reading a prayer every day.

Goal- To feel close enough to God, that I could talk with him anytime throughout my day.

Your problems, plans, and goals are probably totally different than mine, but that’s OK. Just make them realistic for your circumstances. If you have work and family responsibilities, reading through the entire Bible in 3 months may not be realistic. Whatever you do, have a plan on making YOU better and you will change your marriage.

Ask yourself questions about taking care of your body, your soul, and your spirit. If you give yourself an occasional checkup you can identify things in your life before they become a problem and impact your marriage.

It’s like going to the doctor, which I would recommend for your physical well-being anyway. You may find out your cholesterol is a little high, or your blood pressure is high so you can some lifestyle changes before your health gets out of control. I do understand that there are things that you cannot control, I am not talking about that right now.

For example, by discovering that your relationship with God is suffering, you can make some constructive changes to help that. In the process, you will help your marriage. Because being a better Christian makes you a better spouse.

Or if you realize you are not in a good place emotionally, or mentally, you can make some changes to help. Like stopping watching the negative news coverage on TV or the internet, or filling your mind with things are good and pure instead of viewing things that are not.

God wants you to give yourself checks-ups on your well-being. The following are some Bible verses that back this up.

Body

For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s. 

Soul

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. 

Spirit

Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded. 

I know people who overdo the whole hobby thing. There are men who neglect their marriage for a hobby. And I am sure there are some women who do the same. There are people who have NO hobbies and it would do them some good to have some.

Hobbies are like a unique way of expressing your individuality and that is a good thing in marriage. I am not much of a hobby person, although I do enjoy writing most of it is for ministry though. 

What is your hobby? Or your hobby ideas? If you will submit them I will add them to the notes and possibly use them in the marriage book I am writing.

Buy yourself something just for you. Do something just of you from time to time. The biggest part of being a spouse is giving, but sometimes occasionally take a break and get. It will help you to have a break and allow you to return to giving in your relationship in a better way.

The principle is found in the Ten Commandments, the fifth commandment to remember the Sabbath. The people were instructed to work for six days and rest for the seventh. (See Exodus 20:8-11) And it is clarified in the words of Jesus in the New Testament, the sabbath was made for man, and not man for the sabbath. (Mark 2:27)

God created man and woman to have time to break from all the work and hassles of life. So take God’s advice and do it! Serving your spouse and your family is awesome, but without a break, you cannot be the spouse that you need to be.

Why Should You Have a Me 1st Marriage

There Cannot Be Two without One First

Love Is Ultimately a Self-Focused Emotion

A Team Is Only as Good as Its Members

How to Have a Me 1st Marriage

Take Time to Focus on Your Personal Well Being

Evaluate Yourself Periodically

Make Personal Time for Yourself

The post Why and How You Should Have a Me 1st Marriage appeared first on Fixer Upper Marriage.

August 5th, 2004 around 9 PM

I am curled up on the cold, hard floor in the corner of a hospital room. And I am crying.

The thing is, I don’t cry. I am like Clint Eastwood in those old spaghetti westerns. I never flinch, never panic, and I always have a plan. But not today. Instead, I am sobbing and hoping that no one sees me.

It all started a couple of months after our wedding day. I had married the woman of my dreams. We loved each other madly, kissed passionately, and did everything together. When she told me I was in complete shock. It was late at night and I went outside, in the dark, to water the bushes I had planted a couple of weeks before. I was gone awhile before I was able to come back in and deal with the news.

From that moment on, our lives changed forever. We spent money that we didn’t have preparing for a baby- our baby to come. Then the most incredible thing happened one night on the way home from church. Amber felt the baby move! It made everything different. Our excitement hit a fever pitch!

Soon that all changed early one morning when she woke in intense pain. After a frantic drive to the hospital, we found out she was in labor, but it was way too early. I held her hand for hours until she finally had the baby. He was a perfect little boy, but he was lifeless. 

In the days, weeks, months, and years that followed we dealt with the pain, grief, and sorrow that accompany that kind of loss. It still hurts when I remember the cruel words of well-intentioned friends. It is the kind of loss that people just don’t know how to respond to. Somehow we made it through but not without scars and moments of complete frustration. We found out that life and love is messy. And it’s the mess that has defined our relationship over the years.

The truth about love is that it is messy. So why is love so messy?

Table of Contents

1. Love is Messy Because
2. And That’s OK

Love is Messy Because

• It Is Risky
• It Is Free 
• It Is Prone to Fail

And That’s OK Because

• It Is Amazing
• It is Relentless
• It Is Dysfunctional 
  

You can find the risk of love embedded in the Gospel story. Jesus loves you so much that he would give His life for you knowing that you might reject His offer of salvation. How many souls even say yes to Jesus only to someday turn their back on Him? Loving me is a risk that Jesus took to save me. Love is messy because it is risky.

For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die. But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. 

We all work hard to build a sense of security in love. You share a bank account. You buy a house together. You even share your hopes and dreams with each other. But in reality, everything could change in a moment of time. It would just take one life event, or one spouse giving up on the relationship. 

You take for granted that your spouse will always be there. When dating, you did everything you could to keep them, but now, armed with a sense of security, you let down your guard and give in to the idea that your spouse will always be there. The Bible makes it clear that things are not so secure in this life.

Boast not thyself of to morrow; for thou knowest not what a day may bring forth. 

Go to now, ye that say, To day or to morrow we will go into such a city, and continue there a year, and buy and sell, and get gain: Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away. 

Security in love is an illusion, it’s like a house of cards, ready to collapse at any moment. You must live and accept the fact that love is a risk. It’s a risk worth taking but a risk none the less. Don’t take your love and marriage for granted.

Remember what it was like before you “won” your spouse? You probably always tried to look your best. You gave them gifts and compliments. Maybe you even did things that you normally would not- because you wanted to win their affection.

I bought expensive hair products for myself, even though my hair is always cut short and I pay little attention to it. I always tucked in my golfs shirts, even though I usually wear them rugby style. I wore perfectly ironed khaki pants even though I normally wear broken-in blue jeans. I even bought cards, flowers, and gifts for my girlfriend. Then, once we were married, I went rugby style and jeans again! After all, I had her now.

It is a mistake to stop giving your best to your relationship. You may not see how it is hurting at first, but someday you will look back and wonder what happened to the passion and love that you once had. It is the ultimate in selfishness to stop caring about the needs and wants of the person you love because you have them.

I have to look back at my relationship with Jesus. He just keeps giving me his best even though He “has” me now! And when I give him my best, it makes my walk with Him absolutely incredible. 

You settle into the security of marriage and lose the effort of giving your best to your marriage relationship. That is when everything falls apart.

…I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. 

The Christian life is not just about the moment that you put your faith in Jesus, it’s about everything that happens after that. In the same way, your marriage is not just about the moment you said “I do”, but everything that happens after that.

The only love that is really secure is the love that Jesus has for us. It’s the one love you can bank on to last forever, even when you mess up. Notice the words of the Bible.

If we believe not, yet he abideth faithful: he cannot deny himself. 

Human love, however, is fallible. In fact, you can lose it without doing anything. By just doing nothing to work at your relationship, you fall out of love. So, you may think you are secure in your marriage, but that feeling of security could end up destroying what you have. I have said it before, but I think it is worth repeating. When love ends, sometimes people leave, other times they stay together but are miserable for a lifetime. That is not what God intends for you!

Love is messy because it is free. No one can force you to love someone. When I was dating my wife (we called it courtship). It basically means the same thing as dating, but our parents were very strict, so it just means strict dating! That’s OK because it kept us out of trouble.

At first, I had this fear that she would end up rejecting me. She was and is beautiful, sweet, kind, and outgoing. Meanwhile, I am plain, blunt, unapproachable, and shy. None of the things she is! It took me a while, but once I felt I could trust her, I choose to let go of all my fears and love her. Even though I still felt the risk. I took a chance and fell hopelessly in love!

It’s that choice that makes love so intimate. You are choosing to love me. 

This part of love mirrors the Gospel story. Jesus chose to love you and me. That’s what makes His grace so amazing!

Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 

So love is a choice that you make each day. Not just when you were dating, but all throughout your married life.

“I didn’t fall in love with you. I walked into love with you, with my eyes wide open, choosing to take every step along the way. I do believe in fate and destiny, but I also believe we are only fated to do the things that we’d choose anyway. And I’d choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I’d find you and I’d choose you”

― Kiersten White, The Chaos of Stars

Do you always make it easy for Jesus to love you? Sometimes the choice to love each other is harder than at other times. When you chose to love each other, your marriage becomes the canvas and you the artist that paints the picture of the mercy, grace, and forgiveness in the Gospel story.

Choosing to love is the key to staying in love. It is the secret to a happy marriage. It’s like you renew your vows every day when you wake up.

Just like you can and should choose to love, you can choose not to. This is how love can be messy. What makes love so special is the same thing that makes it so vulnerable. One spouse in the marriage relationship can choose not to love. The truth is that you can’t force them to.

It’s important to understand that even if you find yourself in this situation that you can have a deeper understanding of the rejection that Jesus feels. You can experience Him in a way that you never could have before.

That fact that you can reject Jesus in your life is what makes that choice so special. It’s also what makes marriage so special. You have to understand that love is a choice that you both must make throughout the course of your marriage. 

Also, don’t get complacent in your marriage, because that complacency can lead to the fall of your love. You have to keep working to make your love meaningful to you and your spouse throughout your life together.

Love is susceptible to failure. You and your spouse are going to make mistakes. Mistakes that will make your marriage messy. It’s how you handle those mistakes that will make or break your marriage.

When Jesus saves you, you are immediately in Christ and as saved a Jesus is. So you are immediately saved, but you have to wait on the redemption of your body.

And not only they, but ourselves also, which have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting for the adoption, to wit, the redemption of our body. 

So your soul is saved, but your body is not. We call it the flesh, but its the carnal, sinful, cursed body that we live in until we see Jesus. In other words, you are capable of doing anything you did before you knew Jesus after you know HIm.

We do a good job of painting it up. You can try to look pious and righteous, but the truth that we all know is that you are still just a sinner saved by His grace.

And as such you are prone to failure. You are going to make mistakes.

Don’t act surprised when your spouse makes a mistake. Remember that you make them too. I make mistakes and need God’s forgiveness all the time and so do you! Don’t take the consequences from your spouse, but understand that they are a sinner just like you. 

Marriage is messy because we are all sinners.

Even though love is messy, it’s OK that it is. Life and love just get messy sometimes. The truth is that all love in this life is messy. But that’s OK because it is…

As Christians, if we were always perfect and did the right thing, the story of redemption would make more sense. That God would send His Son to die for a bunch of worthy people. But we make a mess out of our lives and He offers redemption in spite of that.

The Gospel is so incredible that the angels are interested in it. That God would redeem the souls of men who are completely depraved and dead in sins. A love that is this amazing, changes your life.

Searching what, or what manner of time the Spirit of Christ which was in them did signify, when it testified beforehand the sufferings of Christ, and the glory that should follow.  Unto whom it was revealed, that not unto themselves, but unto us they did minister the things, which are now reported unto you by them that have preached the gospel unto you with the Holy Ghost sent down from heaven; which things the angels desire to look into. 

I am a sinner, but according to Ephesians chapters 1 and 2 through the power of the Gospel, I am…

In the Gospel, Jesus takes life and love that is messy and makes something beautiful out of it. I remember the moment that I put my trust in HIm, I honestly didn’t even have a lot of that, but I gave it to Him. He changed my love. A love that is messy, He makes beautiful. Who am I but a sinner saved by His Grace?

This is what love is, messy but amazing! So the mess is really not as important as the love that you share with Jesus!

The “mess” in your marriage is not as important as the love your share.

Everyone brings baggage into their marriage. You may not have realized you had it, or that it was a problem until you share your life with another person. Love makes you work through those things together. If God can work with you with all the problems that you have, surely you could work with your spouse and their problems. The thing is, you have baggage too.

Here are some examples of baggage you could bring into marriage:

• Abuse– According to the National Children’s Alliance, nearly 700,000 children are victims of abuse each year in the US. If you want to see those statics and more follow the link. 
• Finances– Debt or past money problems. Maybe you struggle with controlling money. Those types of problems are amplified in marriage. Now your spending and debt are affecting your spouse and your relationship.
• Past Relationships– It’s the hurt that you don’t want to talk about. The failed love that you have experienced has an impact on your love now.
• Childhood– Because of the way you were raised or what you experienced as a child, you bring differing viewpoints and expectations into marriage. For instance, if your parents argued a lot maybe you think that is the way marriage should be. Your experience shapes your expectations.

But the mess in your relationship doesn’t matter as much as how you deal with it. Use the model of the Gospel story to break through the baggage and the mess in your love.

1. Forgive Freely- The way Jesus forgives you! Let go of your spouse’s mistakes.
2. Practice Patience- Isn’t Jesus patient with you? Be as patient with your spouse as you would want them to be with you.
3. Crave Communication- Do you talk to Jesus about your problems? Talk to each other.
4. Seek Support- Finding help is what the Gospel is really about. Find someone you can trust who can help you through your problems.

Just because you are having problems in your marriage, doesn’t mean your love is over. In fact, it may mean that your love is going to turn in to something better. What makes the Gospel so meaningful, is Christ loving me in my brokenness. 

The mess in your relationship is what makes your love meaningful. Working through those things is what it means to be a Christian in love.

You find real love and meaning in the process and not in the results.

When you first meet, love is so intoxicating that you actually don’t see the mess. Maybe that’s God’s way of letting you grow in your relationship before the blindness wears off. To be honest, when I first got married to my wife, we were too busy kissing each other’s faces off to realize we had problems in our relationship! Love is blind to the mess.

But sooner or later, you look around and notice the mess. This my proposal to you.

1. Acknowledge that you have a mess.
2. Make productive steps to fix the mess.
3. Close your eyes and pretend the mess isn’t there.

There is this story in the Bible about two sisters, Martha and Mary, who invited Jesus into their home. Martha was so busy with housework and serving that she became angry at Mary who was just spending time with Jesus. After expressing her concerns to Him about Mary not working, Jesus said that Mary had chosen the good part. Read the story here.

And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her. 

So you can obsess over your housework and your chores. Or you can choose to focus on loving and spending time with your spouse instead. After all, there will always be housework, but the memories you make together can never be taken away from you. By closing your eyes to the mess, you can focus them on being in love with each other.

By closing your eyes to the “mess” in your marriage, you can focus on being in love instead. It’s like standing in the kitchen when there are dishes in the sink and the counter is a mess and holding each other instead of worrying about it. Yes, you will deal with the mess, but being in love and together is what is most important. And that is the Gospel model from Jesus!

I am going to be brutally honest, Amber and I have problems in our marriage. There are things both of us are working through together. But the thing is, every relationship is that way. 

I like to refer to Ephesian 5:21-33 as the Bible Model for marriage. Your love relationship should be like the relationship between Christ and the Church. It is my goal for me as a husband to be like Christ in our marriage, and my wife’s goal is to be like the Church. But I am far from that model. 

It is OK that your marriage is not perfect. The main thing is that you are working together towards the goal of being like Christ and the Church. It’s all about the journey and being together on that journey. The key is to focus on loving each other instead of focusing on the mess!

At the end of the day, that is all you can do. With God’s help, you can be the best you can be in your relationship even though it may be dysfunctional. Even though your relationship may need some work, you can make it important to you.

The mess is Ok because it gives you the opportunity to clean it up together.

Love is Messy Because

• It Is Risky
• It Is Free 
• It Is Prone to Fail

And That’s OK Because

• It Is Amazing
• It is Relentless
• It Is Dysfunctional 

The post Why Is Love so Messy? appeared first on Fixer Upper Marriage.

It was late one Saturday night when I left my wife’s house. We had been seeing each other for a while but were not yet engaged. We were falling in love and it was hard to leave her, so I stayed as long as I could. The hardest part about long-distance relationships is saying goodbye. So we reluctantly lingered on her front porch, and I finally faded back to my truck. I had at least a 3-hour drive home, so I put on a CD to listen to. The player was set to loop, and in the end, it would just automatically start over.

She lived in a small town near the Virginia/ North Carolina state line. It was about 40 minutes through tiny two-lane country roads to the interstate. When I got there, I settled into the leather seats of my truck and activated the cruise control. I could hear large transfer trucks passing by and could see the endless headlights coming at me from the other lanes. It would be like this for hours as I barrelled down Interstate 85. Everything looked the same, except the numbers on the mile markers went down and the inevitable construction zones just outside of Charlotte, North Carolina. I think the road crews have been working in about the same spots for like 30 years.

About an hour from home there was a Kangaroo gas station/truck stop. I had stopped there before to get gas or a sida to keep me awake. But tonight I just kept going. That sign was the last thing I saw.

The next morning I woke up fully clothed in my bed. My suitcase was outside at the front door. To this day I can’t remember what happened for the last hour of that drive. Somehow I made it safely home, but I completely lost an hour of my life. I just missed whatever happened. 

This is the way that life and marriage can get if you are not careful. You just miss what’s going in your life. It’s like you are sleep-driving through your marriage oblivious to anything and everything until you realize it’s gone.

Some people die at 25 and aren’t buried until 75

-Benjamin Franklin 

Table of Contents

5 Ways to Become Relationship Mindful

1. Turn off Your Cruise Control
2. Be Intentional
3. Set Expectations for Your Relationship
4. Make Your “Tuesdays” Meaningful
5. Live Like You Won’t Have Tomorrow

At some point in life, we all have a tendency to get comfortable, set the cruise control and just ride. The hope is that you will just end up where you are supposed to be. This is not healthy for your life or your relationship because life does not stay the same. And you will miss all those changes and opportunities to love and live life together.

And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity. For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 

Life with God is a constant push to change and grow in your faith and walk with the Lord. If you are not moving forward with God, you are going backward.

[bctt tweet=”The gear shifter of your faith doesn’t have neutral, only a forward and reverse.”]

There are plenty of people who never grow in their walk with the Lord. But God is not pleased with that. In fact, He fills your life with changes to push you to change. Even hardships have a divine and ultimate purpose of changing you into the image of Christ. God wants you to constantly add to your faith. 

If you have been married for any length of time, you know that things change. These changes demand that you make adjustments in your relationship.

Things change in your relationship, and you must change with them in order to maintain a good marriage. You have to adjust your life to fit the needs of your marriage as those needs change. I think a big example of this is when you have kids. Whereas before you were just lovers, now you have to add co-parent to your relationship. Another example is health problems, if your spouse develops a health condition, now you must add “caregiver” to your relationship description. It’s apart of life and being married.

If you are going to leave your cruise control on and not make adjustments you are going to wreck your marriage. You just can’t stay the same!

Notice when things are happening or changing in your marriage. If you know you have some life-changes coming soon, go ahead and prepare for those changes. You have to change you, in order to have a successful relationship. Changes may require you to make some personal sacrifices. So prepare yourself emotionally, so when that change happens you are ready to adjust.

It’s like when you are having that first baby, you get the nursery ready, buy diapers, and a car seat. You make adjustments to accommodate that change. Your love life is filled with making those kinds of accommodations for each other. 

So you have to notice when things may be changing and intentionally make the necessary personal changes to keep your love and marriage thriving. It also helps to intentionally communicate about those changes that you must each make in your relationship.

[bctt tweet=”Being intentional in marriage means you are communicating with each other.”]

There was the old TV sitcom from the 1960s called Bewitched. When I was little we watched the reruns. Not that I condone or endorse anything in the show, it was just hilarious! The nosy neighbor, Gladys Kravitzwould constantly witness incredible things happening to the main characters, like their entire house disappearing. Then she would call out to her husband, Abner, to tell him, but he always missed it because he was reading the paper! It makes me laugh to think about it!

A lot of people are like Abner in their marriage. Completely disconnected to what is going on. But you have to be aware and intentional to have the kind of marriage that you want to have.

Marriage is a lot like your relationship with Jesus. If you want to have a better walk with Him, you have to do things intentionally to make that happen. For example, you might make the commitment to read your Bible and pray every morning before you eat breakfast. This way you make an intentional effort to grow in your faith. Or you may decide to listen to edifying, Christian music or Bible preaching instead of talk radio or the news. Maybe you could commit to spending as much time studying your Bible and praying as you do on social media channels like Youtube or Facebook. Those little intentional choices that you make can have a huge impact on your walk with God.

You have to handle your marriage relationship in the same way. I am going to take some time to spend with my spouse intentionally, to strengthen my marriage. Or I am going to make an effort to be more thoughtful and considerate to my spouse intentionally.

[bctt tweet=”You don’t get a great marriage on accident.”]

The following a few things you can do together intentionally to change your marriage:

• Pray together
• Plan a date
• Take the time to talk and listen to each other
• Think about each other during the day
• Cook a meal together
• Read a book together

You know the intentional things that you can do in your marriage that can help change things, you just have to be intentional about doing them!

Having no goals or ambitions in life is like floating on a raft in the ocean and just hoping you end up in the right place. NO! You need a plan, a compass, and an idea of where you need to be!  Your goals should be realistic and Bible-based. You should never have a goal or ambition that will lead you away from God.

Discuss your own expectations for your relationship with your spouse. And be willing to listen to theirs. You may have to compromise with each other in order to have shared expectations. But you have to talk about those expectations so that you will both be on the same page!

Examples of Expectations:

• Serve the Lord together in a ministry
• Become and stay madly in love with each other
• Do more things together
• Start a small business together
• Move to a different area
• Travel together

Talk to each other about these expectations. It may take time and planning together to meet those expectations, but you can’t get there without having them. Also, understand that it’s OK if it takes time to get the kind of relationship that you desire. It’s like having a goal to aim for. A great example would be a basketball player who is aiming for the basketball goal. He is shooting to score in the basket. Having expectations means that you have a goal to shoot at.

[bctt tweet=”Have something that you are aiming for, even if you miss, at least you know that you are heading in the right direction.”]

You should have personal expectations as well as expectations for your relationship. Maybe in your personal life, you are aiming for something small, like praying for 15 minutes every day. Regardless of what the expectations are, just having them is an important step in your personal life and in your marriage.

It’s not enough to just have expectations. You must have the means to get there. If you want to have a closer relationship with each other, you are going to have to make time to spend together. If you want to serve together in the ministry you may have to make changes in your work or personal life. You may have to give some things up to gain your expectations. 

It takes a certain level of vulnerability to have expectations for yourself and your relationship. You could fail to make it. But you don’t really fail unless you choose not to aim. It’s ironic that not having the courage to aim, is worse than aiming and missing. You see, your love relationship is really about the process of aiming your lives together.

Again, it’s like your walk with God. Your aim is to be like Jesus, which is something you cannot fully achieve until you get to Heaven. The Christian life is all about the process.

Every day of the week has some kind of meaning. Sunday is the first day of the week and also a day of worship for me. Monday is the first day of the workweek. Wednesday is the middle of the week. Thursday is the day before Friday which is the last day of the workweek and starts the weekend. Saturday is the weekend and in some ways so is Sunday.

But Tuesday just seems like a meaningless day. It’s just Tuesday! Just another day on the calendar. Your marriage can get stuck on a “Tuesday”!? It’s just the same old thing all the time. It’s like the worn-out track on your favorite CD. You have just heard it too much. 

Let’s face it, most of your marriage is lived on a “Tuesday”. It’s in your every day that life happens.

[bctt tweet=”The small moments are what make your marriage what it is. Stop and enjoy your time together in those moments that are just ordinary and your marriage will become extraordinary.”]

The small moments make your life what it is. When you just sit on the couch, hold hands, and look into each other’s eyes. When you shared a long hug together. When you hold hands while driving down the road. When just sit down and talked over breakfast. When you laugh together. In those small moments that may have only lasted for a few seconds, you define a lifetime of love.

Go to now, ye that say, To day or to morrow we will go into such a city, and continue there a year, and buy and sell, and get gain: Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away. 

It’s like we don’t get it. That tomorrow everything could change. What you have right now, may be gone tomorrow without warning. It’s like we all think it’s going to happen to someone else. And then it happens to us. One moment, one phone call, or one event could change everything about your life. So live today with your spouse, as if there will be no tomorrow. Be mindful that today is the day that you have to be married to the love of your life. What you have today may be the only thing you will have to hold onto for the rest of your life.

The Bible nailed it on this principle. 

Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: 

Let all the hard feelings and friction of living together go before you go to bed. Because you may not be able to fix it tomorrow. You may not have another chance to make things right with each other. 

5 Ways to Become Relationship Mindful

1. Turn Off Your Cruise Control
2. Be Intentional in Your Marriage
3. Set Expectations for Your Relationship
4. Make Your “Tuesdays” Meaningful
5. Live Like You Won’t Have Tomorrow

We have a newsletter! It’s loaded with extra content! Go to FixerUpperMarriage.org/newsletter to get it.

The post 5 Ways to Become Relationship Mindful appeared first on Fixer Upper Marriage.

FixerUpperMarriage.org/Rx

No one would argue that the institution of marriage is in trouble today. The divorce rate is off the charts. Couples married for years are getting divorced or separated. I am even shocked at the number of couples in the ministry who are struggling with their marriage relationship. Most of the time you don’t see their problems until it is unavoidable in becoming public. 

And that is just in what we can actually see. I think that there are many more marriages struggling that we don’t know about. Maybe a couple stays together because of a church position like a pastor. Or maybe they stay together to protect their pride and reputation. Regardless of the actual reasons for keeping a marriage together in public, they are broken and hurting in private. Eventually, those problems come out of hiding, whether it is to the children who are close to it or the general public in an explosive reveal. 

It’s the heartbreaking loss of a beautiful love that becomes a news cycle within the circle of people that we know. Have you heard that they are no longer together? No, wait, you mean that couple? You can’t ignore marriage problems and expect them to get better on their own. Nor can you neglect your marriage relationship and expect to stay happily married. You may be happy for a time, but that neglect will show itself.

Obviously, God didn’t intend for your marriage to just exist. No, God means for your marriage to thrive and for you to stay madly in love for a lifetime. So let’s find God’s prescription for a hurting marriage.

Table of Contents

God’s Prescription for a Hurting Marriage

1. Laugh Often Together
2. Give Good Reviews
3. Make Your Marriage a Ministry

I have to admit that this is a prescription that has been hard for my wife and me to take lately. There are things about life that are sometimes hard to understand and accept. It’s the kind of thing that you can’t really share with people. Also, you may know that my nephew Jack was killed by a reckless driver a couple of months back. This makes most of the things we do in life seem so frivolous. The bottom line is, we have not laughed very much lately. But that doesn’t change the value of it.

It’s an old saying that is actually backed by the Bible. If your marriage is hurting, laughing is like a medication that heals those hurts. Listen to what God says about it.

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. 

And not just laughing in general, but laughing together brings healing to the hurts of your marriage. Sometimes, Amber and I talk about our honeymoon, which, looking back, had a lot of laughable moments! For example, I was going to be romantic by carrying her over the threshold of the door into our hotel room on our first night together. Instead, I violently slammed her head against the door frame! We both grew up in strict homes and instead of being romantic, I was just clumsy and awkward. We had no idea what we were doing! It’s OK though because we loved each other. And eventually, I learned to not be like Hagar the Horrible! These memories are the kinds of things that make us laugh together. 

Laughing together is like a medicine that heals the hurts in your marriage. The memories of those funny moments, make your life together more meaningful and intimate.

[bctt tweet=”Laughter is like a glue that makes your relationship stick together.”]

I am not talking about being silly all the time, but taking the time as a  couple to enjoy each other’s company. It makes all the difference in the world to your relationship.

There is something intimate for a man and woman to laugh together. It’s like you are making a connection with each other that takes your relationship to a deeper level. If my wife and I were struggling in our relationship and I saw her laughing with another man, it would make me feel cheated. That’s because laughing together is one of the most intimate things you can do!

In a 2015 behavioral study for the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill, Laura E. Kurtz and  Sara B. Algoe, studied 71 heterosexual couples in regards to laughter and relationship well being. The results were overwhelming, the couples who laughed simultaneously, measured with the best relationship quality, closeness, and social support. No surprise for the Christian here, “a merry heart doeth good like a medicine!” 

Maybe we should just say that the couple who laughs together, stays together! If you can learn how to laugh together, you can make your marriage relationship deeper and more meaningful.

Laughing provokes so many personal emotions. And to share that laughing together is incredibly intimate. It’s like opening up the windows to your soul, and letting your lover see YOU!

Usually, the things that make us laugh together are the funny things that have happened to us. That’s why it is so important to have fun together. Do things alone, so that you will have those fun moments to relive later. It’s a shame that the only moments like that many people have are in their dating life before they were married. But you should be making those memories all throughout your life together.

After you have been married for a while, it takes a concerted effort to develop moments that are fun. But if you want to have a better marriage, you must make time for these things. You have to create those fun moments by spending quality time together.

To be completely honest, marriage is like being on a roller coaster. You have these awesome times when the thrill of the ride just takes your breath away. And then there are times when you are just on the ride and nothing really exciting is happening. You need those thrilling moments to fall back on when nothing really exciting is happening. If you don’t make those moments together, you won’t have them to rely on in the downtimes. So make those fun moments with each other.

Let me put it another way.

[bctt tweet=”Marriage is filled with ups and downs. Learn to relish the “ups” so that when the “downs” come, you can relive those “up” moments.”]

You may know that I recently published a book, and it’s available on Amazon.com. You may not know that I am also writing another book about marriage that will be coming out next year. In the process, I have learned the importance of reviews when you are considering an online purchase. I guess I never really thought about it before, but those reviews influence your purchase, especially negative ones. If you buy things online, I am sure you have had the same experience of being influenced by the reviews of other people.

Your voice about your experience with a book or item can influence other people who may be considering buying it. Unfortunately, we leave a lot of negative reviews about God, and you don’t even have to log in to a website to do it. You just have to say your star rating out loud to the people you know.

The Bible tells the story of the nation of Israel’s escape from Egyptian bondage and their journey to the promised land of Canaan. In Numbers 11, the people complained about how God was taking care of them. They even complained about the amazing Manna that he was miraculously providing for them. As a result, God killed some of them, and even miraculously gave the people quail to eat. So much so, that they would be sick of eating it. Their complaining made God angry.

When you complain about your marriage or the things you are going through, you are not really complaining about those situations, you are complaining about the God who is allowing you to experience those things.

It’s like you are giving God a 1-star review because you don’t like what is going on in your life. It’s like when you go to Amazon.com and see the image of a book and beside it a star rating. When the people around you see the image of you, right beside it is the star rating that you are giving God as the author of your life. I can barely give my life 1 star because it really stinks right now. Is that what people see your review of your life?

The dirty secret is that every marriage has problems from time to time. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage. Sometimes, you can’t help or change the problems that come up in your marriage. But you can change the way that you look at those problems.

I have found that when I am unhappy in my marriage, I am focused on my own happiness. If I instead focus on bringing joy to my spouse I find true joy in marriage

[bctt tweet=”Love is not about you being made happy, but in seeking to make your spouse happy.”]

But you can find things in your marriage that are great even when you may be struggling. The key is to focus on the good parts while you work on fixing the broken ones. Once you locate the parts of your marriage that is not such a struggle, you can fully enjoy those parts while you work on the others. 

Learn how to make your review of your marriage 5 stars!

For example, you may be unhappy with the amount of time you spend together. This happens a lot after you have kids. So you can talk to your spouse about making more time for each other, while you take advantage of the small amount of time that you have now. 

Here’s another example. Sometimes after having children, women instinctively extend their mothering to their husbands. This really makes men unhappy. After all, if they wanted another mother, they would have just stayed with the one they had! The solution is to sit down and talk to your wife about the way she is treating you, but while you are working to resolve that problem, enjoy the good parts of your marriage. By the way, ignoring problems in your marriage won’t make them disappear.

How about this example? A wife may commonly complain that her husband is not being romantic. Instead of assuming your husband can read your mind, talk to him about some practical things he can do that are romantic. While you are at it, make the best of the little romance that you do have. And here is an amazing tip for you and your relationship with your husband, make a big deal when he tries to be romantic, This will condition him to keep doing it!

Ministry is competitive. It seems weird to say it, but it’s true. People long for a chance to have their name on some meaningful ministry sign. Maybe it’s pride, the need to feel important or to leave a legacy that motivates people. But they will fight, destroy churches, and ruin personal relationships all for the shot of having their own ministry. I don’t mean to sound cynical, it’s just the way things are in the world. 

What makes it so outrageous is the small ministry that Jesus had on this earth. He had the 12 disciples and a few close friends that He ministered to. Even his own family, with the exception of his mom and half-brother James, distanced themselves from Him. He would literally go into a town to minister to 1 person! 

The thing is, people miss the opportunities to minister that are right in front of them.

[bctt tweet=”It’s like you are looking so hard for something great, that you miss the simple things right in front of you.”]

The Bible alludes to it in I Corinthians 7:33, But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. And again in I Corinthians 7:34c, but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. This is your first and most important ministry on this earth. To minister to the needs of your spouse.

[bctt tweet=”By maintaining a good relationship with your spouse, you are doing the will of God for your life. And it’s a very important ministry.”] 

Look at your marriage as a ministry. You have this opportunity to minister to each other and serve the Lord together! So don’t miss it. Unfortunately, a lot of Christians are missing it today.

Your marriage relationship is in the condition it’s in because you have neglected the ministry of marriage that God has given you.

God offers this world forgiveness and reconciliation through the free gift of salvation. It’s a relationship that He gives and a constant restoration that He offers the believing sinner. The following are the direct words of scripture that outline this:

And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation; To wit, that God was in Christ, reconciling the world unto himself, not imputing their trespasses unto them; and hath committed unto us the word of reconciliation.

It’s the same way in marriage. You can offer the ministry of reconciliation to your spouse. When your relationship is on the rocks so to speak, you can offer them forgiveness and restoration. Always be ready to restore the relationship in your marriage. Even when you mess up, your marriage can be restored to an even better condition. It gives you the opportunity to show the love of Christ to your spouse. This doesn’t mean that they are not held accountable for their actions, but that you are willing to love and restore that relationship.

God’s Prescription for a Hurting Marriage

1. Laugh Often Together
2. Give Good Reviews
3. Make Your Marriage a Ministry

The post God’s Prescription (RX) for a Hurting Marriage appeared first on Fixer Upper Marriage.

The search for your soul mate is promoted everywhere. Dating websites promise to find them with compatibility tests. Even the premise of many fairy tales is to find your one true love. Young people daydream about finding the perfect one for them. So the soul mate idea becomes a fantasy. And your expectations for your potential spouse skyrocket to the moon. 

The pressure mounts to find that one person out of 6,840,507,000 in the world. So you develop a wishlist for a potential soul mate.  In your mind, a fantasy of the perfect marriage partner evolves. This fantasy becomes the object of your search. Then comes the romantic notion that destiny will lead you to the one. The stars will align and the universe will put you together.

How to Find Your Soulmate

1. Stop Looking for Your Soulmate
2. Look for Someone You Can Build a Lifetime Relationship With
3. Find Your Soulmate in the Spouse You Already have.

The problem is in the fantasy part of a soul mate. There is no one that fits the fantasy that you have developed in your mind. Every person is flawed including you. The soulmate ideal that you have conjured in your imagination is not real. 

If there is only 1 perfect person for you. You have a 1 in 10,000 chance of finding them, that’s a .010 percent chance. Still, according to a 2011 Marist Poll nearly 3 out 4 people believe they will find their soulmate. So you come up with the perfect person, and destiny puts you together. If the numbers mean anything, it’s not going to happen for you. 

According to National Geographic, there is 1 in 3,000 chance you will be struck by lightning during your lifetime. So, if I am doing the math right, you are more likely to be struck by lightning 3 times in your life than to find your fantasy soulmate.

It is the Halloween tradition for kids to wear costumes and go door to door through a neighborhood. They knock on a door and say “trick or treat” and when it is answered, the adult inside gives them candy. This is actually kinda scary, and it doesn’t seem safe to ask a complete stranger for candy!

But this is how dating or courting is handled today. You put on a costume, go to a stranger, who is wearing a costume, and ask them to give you your favorite candy. You don’t show them the real you, and they don’t show you the real them. All you really want is some of that fantasy candy you have been dreaming about! So you find it, and they give it to you.

So you meet a person who checks off some of your soulmate requirements. And your mind races to a fantasy future with that person. You compare that person to your fantasy. And with the costume and candy it’s hard to see all the parts about that person that don’t match your fantasy.

Eventually, the infatuation wears off. The costumes come off and the candy gets stale. And you find out that your soulmate wasn’t your soulmate after all! You tried to force that person into the image that you had of your perfect mate. Come to find out, they just didn’t fit it. It’s called confirmation bias. It’s when wishful thinking causes you to only see the positive qualities of your soul mate and not the negative ones. It’s like conducting a science experiment when you have already drawn a conclusion.

I think a lot of people have gotten the idea that the marriage ceremony is the goal of love. It’s like the Disney movie when Prince Charming finds Snow White. They finally get married and the words “happily ever after” pop up on the screen just before the end credits for the production! 

The truth is that marriage was created by God for a lifetime of love. So you have to look past the fantasy part of love and develop a real relationship.

I have personally known people who have gotten trapped by the soulmate myth. They find someone who they are convinced is the one for them. But things didn’t work out and now since they missed the ONE, their life is off track. When you look at love as a destiny instead of being led by the Lord, you cause yourself all sorts of unnecessary headache and confusion. If they were the ONE for you and you missed it, what sort of bad timeline or you on now? Or what if they did not think they were the ONE for you but you are convinced they are?

Some people promote the idea of the permissive will of God. What it means is, that God has one perfect will for you and if you miss it, you end up on this alternate, not so perfect plan for your life. I disagree wholeheartedly. You allow God to lead you each day step by step and you live and walk in His Will daily. The will of God is not a destination but a choice that you make to live in each day. You may choose to get out of his will, but you find your way back by simply following Him again. Your choices may make it harder to get back, but He is there waiting for you!

Marriage for Christian is the same way. You choose whether or not to allow God to lead you in the area of love and marriage. If you choose not to, then you have to live with the consequences of that decision. If you choose to allow Him to lead you, he will guide you to the person he wants you to spend your life with. The bottom line- marriage is a choice not a destiny!

The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way. 

The Bible gives a description of the perfect marriage relationship in Ephesians 5:21-33. It’s not only about the covenant, but the relationship inside that covenant. Just like the covenant between Jesus and the believing sinner is not just about that, but the relationship between Christ and the Church. Love and marriage is about building a relationship together. When I first accepted Jesus into my life (when I was 17) I discovered a relationship with Him. The Bible calls this fellowship in the first epistle of John. Over time my relationship with Him has grown even as it has been a little rocky at times (which was my fault). But I have built that fellowship over the years with Him.

Love is like playing with Legos. You take out the pieces from the kit and you work together to build something awesome! With each piece of life, you work together to build on the next piece. You may even have to stop and read the step by step instructions. In this case, the Bible is your instructions! If you work together and follow the instructions, what you are building starts to look like the picture on the box. This is what real love is. It’s God, you, and your lover working together to build a relationship that will last a lifetime. And in the process, you make a love that looks just like the one the “on the box”, the Gospel love story!

Over time you become soulmates! That is how love is supposed to work. I remember the first time I met my wife. But it was a while before we started falling in love. You see, that first meeting was a block and we added to it piece by piece. Eventually, those love pieces built a marriage. Then we had kids and built a family. If we just keep building together, we will stay in love and make our imperfect relationship look like the pattern of God’s love.

That’s right, it’s not destiny. It’s you working and building a relationship with each other. It’s you becoming each other’s soulmate.

According to scientific research led by author John Gottman, founder-director of the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle, couples who focus on building something together that has meaning are the most likely to stay together. But you really don’t need a scientific study to show you that the Bible principle of developing your relationship with your spouse is the best way to stay together. As you work (most of the time it’s not really like work) to build your relationship you become soulmates. And more so, the more you build on that relationship. The more you work at it, the better your marriage will be. 

It’s just like your relationship with the Lord, the more you work at being close to Him, the more you identify with Him. And the more like Jesus you become. The more you work at being close to your spouse the more like soulmates you become. For a love to last a lifetime you MUST keep building your relationship.

This is the modern myth that kinda follows the soulmate myth around. It takes many forms, but usually means something like this, if you are compatible enough, you will stay together longer. Even though I do understand the premise, there are multiple problems with this theory. 

• You change over time. There is one constant with life and time, it changes you. I am not the person I was when I married my wife. Nor is she the same person. But you go through those changes together. It is love, commitment, and faith that keep you together not chance or compatibility.
• Men and women are different. Those differences are what draw us to each other. Many times people find someone with a completely different personality because you see something in that person that you don’t have. What matters is that you work together to build your love. You don’t choose to marry someone because you are compatible. And you don’t choose to leave your spouse because you are no longer compatible!

Several years ago, the governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, made national headlines when he disappeared for a week. I was admittedly a fan at the time but was both relieved and confused that he was hiking the Appalachian Trail. It’s a long hiking trail that runs through South Carolina and takes weeks to finish. It turns out he took a detour to Argentina to visit his mistress. I will never forget what he said when the truth as discovered, “We are soul mates”. He was married to a beautiful lady with four boys at home at the time. But he was convinced that he had found his destiny in Argentina. I stopped following him after that but I am sure his story ended in disgrace.

It’s absolutely crazy that you can completely miss the potential of what is right in front of you for some fantasy that is not even possible. But people do it all the time. They leave the person that they made a covenant with God to become soulmates for someone who is not. I guess it just seems easier to throw the relationship away that needs work for the one that seems ready made.

Live in the present. Stop wondering away from what you have and learn to focus on loving your spouse. When your mind races to a fantasy future, you leave the present. If you can just work together, you will experience an amazing love. When you are together, put down your phones, turn off the TV and just live in the moment. BE PRESENT.

You and your spouse becoming lovers for life is what it means to have real love. It’s what this world is searching for. You can have it in your marriage. And in the process, you can show the world the love story of the Gospel.

How You Can Find Your Soulmate

1. Stop Looking for Your Soulmate
2. Look for Someone You Can Build a Lifetime Relationship With
3. Find a Soulmate in the Spouse You Already Have.

The post How You Can Find Your Soulmate appeared first on Fixer Upper Marriage.

Learn some Bible principles for divorce and separation. As a note, if you are affected by this I would advise you to counsel with your pastor before you make any decisions related to this. You have to live with the consequences of this decision, so you should seek godly counsel. 

Also, if the story of your life has been touched by this, it is not my desire to hurt you or put you down. God works in your life where you are at right now, He doesn’t hold your past against you as far as your relationship with Him is concerned. God will not treat you differently because of mistakes in your past, I will not either. However, this is an important issue that needs to be dealt with.   

Table of Contents:

1.  What Does God Think About Divorce?
2. God’s Principles for Separation.
3. Value of Staying Together.

Everyone has an opinion these days, but what about God who invented marriage? It all started with the first man and woman when He put them together and created the covenant of marriage.

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. 

In the marriage ceremony, a vow is made between husband and wife. When this vow occurs God puts these two people together in the covenant of marriage. This is not just a legal matter of the state, but a matter of faith. Two become one in the bond of marriage. A man and woman who enter into this covenant are made one flesh by God.

We all come together with family and friends to celebrate this union. This is because marriage is an integral part of our faith, it is not just something we do. For legal purposes, you get a wedding license and are recognized by the government as in marital status. However, God is the one who makes you one, not the government.  

This is an important concept to understand in the modern marriage debate, as bad as some people want, the government cannot force God to accept what people call gay marriage today. God will not make a man and a man one flesh, nor will he make a woman and a woman one flesh. He made them male and female and this is God’s formula for marriage even though the government may make it legal. 

Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant.  And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth.  For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously.

God feels so strongly about the matter that He uses the word hate. This is because it destroys the beautiful picture that He painted with the marriage covenant. Marriage is a symbol and type of the relationship between Christ and the Church. (See Ephesian 5:21-32)  In verse 32, the Bible says, This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. As a Christian, your marriage represents the Gospel message to this world. When you break that covenant you break that message that God intended for marriage to send out.

To be honest with you, I hate divorce too. To see what it does to people and relationships.  To think about how it impacts children for the rest of their lives. Frankly, it is a shame that it is so prevalent in the church. It is shame a Christian couple can’t learn to get along. The truth is that sometimes you have to put in the effort to make your marriage better. It may take some work on your part. You could seek Christian counseling. You could work with each other and compromise your pride to make your relationship right. I just don’t think you should throw your marriage away.

Sometimes people are too concerned with being happy, instead of being holy. Therefore, when your marriage is not making you happy, you look for that happiness somewhere else. Marriage, however, is for better or for worse and quite honestly it is in those worse times that God generates holiness in your life. The secret is that finding restoration in your relationship will eventually give you that happiness. It takes you dying to YOU and becoming more like Jesus.

As a Christian, I have experienced His Grace, mercy, and forgiveness many times. When I have messed up, then made things right, I discover that He was always there waiting on me to make things right with Him. That is your standard for marriage, to exercise so much faith in your marriage partner that you are ready and waiting for restoration. 

This may not be what you want to hear, or what this world’s culture is pushing today, but it is the truth about love and marriage. 

Jesus taught the perils of divorce during his ministry on earth.  So the Pharisees came to him in an attempt to trick Him into saying something wrong.

3The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause?  4And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, 5And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?  6Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.  7They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away?  8He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.  9 And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery. 

Why does the law offer writings of divorcement if it is wrong? They were referring to Deuteronomy 24:1-4 in this text. They were thinking about the ambiguity of that law and all the gray areas that they thought could be manipulated.  

When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house.  And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man’s wife. And if the latter husband hate her, and write her a bill of divorcement, and giveth it in her hand, and sendeth her out of his house; or if the latter husband die, which took her to be his wife; Her former husband, which sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after that she is defiled; for that is abomination before the LORD: and thou shalt not cause the land to sin, which the LORD thy God giveth thee for an inheritance. 

God did not intend for there to be divorce. Jesus said, but from the beginning, it was not so.  He also said, What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder. God intended for marriage to be a lifetime commitment. However, because of sin and the hardness of people’s hearts Moses had to put rules about divorce into the law for Israel. So in other words, sin and the hardness of your heart are why there is even divorce, to begin with.

There is however an exception mentioned by the Lord.  Jesus said, except it be for fornication. (Matthew 19:9) Fornication is a broad term for sexual immorality that includes sexual immorality and incest. It is my interpretation that this is not necessarily an isolated incident, but rather an ongoing problem. Such as your spouse has left you for someone else and there is no hope for reconciliation, or that your spouse is involved in gross sexual sins without remorse or hope for repentance. If you are in this situation, you should consult with a godly counselor or your pastor for direction in this matter.

The Bible also gives other clear instructions about divorce in the Book of I Corinthians:

And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband:  But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife. 

I want to point out something here. Notice the words of scripture, But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried. Many people have differing opinions about Matthew 19:9 above, but regardless you must look at what the Bible is saying. If there are grounds for divorce, then there are no grounds for remarriage. If you are using the Bible to justify your divorce, you will not find the justification to remarry. This is not my opinion here, this is what the Bible says. You have to make the decision for yourself, but this is what the Bible says.

God also, recognizes the problems of having an unbelieving spouse. If you are in this situation you can find Bible instructions in I Corinthians 7:12-16. Never marry an unbeliever, but if you are saved after your marriage, then living the Gospel in front of that person can lead them to Christ. 

Just like Moses had to address the issue of divorce, there had to be rules about it. This is the way things are with the government and the laws of society. I can only speak of the spiritual side of this issue and not to the legal side. There as certain legal things involving divorces like child custody, child support, and law enforcement protection that I am not qualified to speak. For that, you will have to consult a lawyer. 

There may be extreme cases where it may be necessary to separate from your spouse. Examples of this would be physical abuse, or if the children are being sexually abused in the home. Especially in cases where one spouse or the children are in danger or feel threatened with harm. Obviously, God and the principles of the Bible are against such treatment, anyone who tells you otherwise is grossly and willfully ignorant of scripture.

So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.  For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: 

And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. 

These verses along with many others make this principle clear. In fact, in cases of abuse, these should be reported to law enforcement. There is nothing spiritual about not calling the police. Our justice and law enforcement systems are designed to protect and help in these cases.

Some people separate because of disagreements. If you are arguing, I suggest you seek out godly counsel instead of giving up on your marriage and each other. You should, in turn, follow that godly counsel. If you are going to separate during this time for reconcillation then you should still act like you are married and meet with your spouse for regular counseling sessions. This means that you don’t flirt or date with other people. No, you don’t change your Facebook status or put out one of those Youtube selfy videos about what is going on in your marriage. In fact, in South Carolina, you have to be separated for 1 year before you are able to get a no-fault divorce. 

15  Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. 16  But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. 17  And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. 18  Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. 19  Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven. 20  For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them. 

God gave the Church this method for reconciling its members who have gone astray. The steps are as follows:

• Confront him alone.
• Confront him with one or two witnesses.
• Tell it to the Church
• Finally, separate from that person, let him be like a heathen or publican.

The reasoning is by separating from this person, you give them a chance to understand how serious their problem is and to realize the importance of reconciliation.

In I Corinthians 5, there was a case of fornication between a man and his stepmother.  The end result was separation. However, the separation led to restoration in II Corinthians 2:5-8.  Some were having trouble letting him back in, Paul admonished them to show him, love. 

This is what we learn from that. Separation should be used after all other means for reconciliation have been tried. It is the last resort for extreme cases. It should be done in a way that the offending party, realizes how serious this is and gets the help he or she needs. They will think, I may lose my marriage. This should encourage them to get help and seek reconciliation. Also, it should be done with reconciliation in mind. You should be ready and willing to forgive and reconcile.  

So that contrariwise ye ought rather to forgive him, and comfort him, lest perhaps such a one should be swallowed up with overmuch sorrow. 

In review, the three principles of separation are:

• Separation should be the last step.
• The purpose is for restoration.
• You should be willing to forgive and restore.

There is the reward of working through your problems each day and just committing to stay together. After all, you probably said, for better or for worse in your wedding vows. 

For example, in order to make steel tools, the metal must be hardened and tempered. In this process, the steel his heated to extreme temperatures then quenched in oil. This is the process that your love goes through in the heat of problems in your marriage. If you let God, He will harden and temper your love and make it useful and more lasting.

Should You Leave Your Spouse?

1. What does God think about divorce?
2. God’s principles for separation.
3. The value of staying together.

The post Should You Leave Your Spouse? appeared first on Fixer Upper Marriage.

When you are fixing up a house, you can find some unexpected issues.  Maybe you discover that there is no insulation in part of the house. Maybe the electrical wires or the plumbing pipes were installed wrong.  There could be a number of unexpected problems to show up.

Likewise, when you are trying to fixing up your marriage, you may find unexpected problems that you did not realize were there.  There could be problems that your spouse has that you were unaware of until you tried to make things better. Today, learn three ways to fix your marriage together.

I have a friend who fought in the Gulf War in Iraq.  He has told me several times about how when he first enlisted they all had groups.  Everyone just found a specific group of people like themselves. For example, he is from New York, so he hung out with the guys from that area.  However, when they went into battle, there were no groups because they all had a common enemy to fight.

Marriage can get this way, you are so busy fighting with each other that you forget that you have a common enemy.  You can become one by understanding that there are outside forces that are trying to destroy your marriage. You can learn how to fight them together.

You must understand that the devil hates a godly marriage, and he hates the home.  Two people who join together in the marriage bond can work together to expand the Church of the living God more than one person alone.  Therefore he is actively seeking to destroy the Christian marriage and family.

In understanding this as a couple you can put aside the things you may be fighting about and work together to solve the problems in your marriage.

Ye are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father ye will do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it. 

You may think that you are not worth the trouble of satan targeting you, but you are if you attempt to live for God and have a good marriage.  Don’t be naive about what the devil is doing to your marriage. If you don’t believe me, try making a choice to change something in your life for the better.   For example, try saying something like I am going to more faithful to church, and everything that can go wrong on Sunday morning will go wrong on Sunday morning.  Anytime you try to move forward for God, your adversary will try to block you. He knows that the mission of the Gospel could be advanced and he will do anything to stop it.

Anytime you try to do something for God, you will face the opposition of the devil.  Mark it down, satan has a bullseye on your back and he has some fiery darts ready to throw at you.  Understanding this is the first step to defeating him in your life and marriage.

Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. 

My nephews are big-time hunters, they just love to hunt and trap game.  I have seen their traps before. Some are small cages with lure inside and door that drops and traps them.  Others are springloaded foothold traps when the unexpecting animal steps on the trigger and it locks on its foot.  They choose a location, set the trap and come back later to check them.

The draw of sex outside of the marriage covenant is the trap of satan.  Those images that tempt a man, are snares of satan to ruin your marriage relationship.  He sets them up on the internet, then he stops be later to see who he has caught. The temptation of flirting with another person is a snare that satan has set to catch you, once you are in the trap door falls and so does your marriage. 

Doubtless, he has placed all types of traps in your life and in your marriage.  You have to realize that these are deliberate attempts to catch and destroy you and your marriage.  Understand that the devil is putting out hidden traps for your spouse and work together to keep each other out of them.  The great thing about marriage is if one of you gets trapped, the other can help them out. 

You can also find those hidden traps and protect your spouse from them.   By meeting the emotional and physical needs of your spouse, they will not need to wander around the traps!  Stop thinking about your problems and focus on helping your spouse with theirs.

If you are busy fighting each other, you cannot do anything for the cause of Christ.  You cannot join the battle for the souls of men if you are fighting each other instead.  He will, therefore, put thoughts and questions about your spouse in your mind with the single purpose of making you fight.  He will make you question God, and the more you listen to him, the more ground he will gain in your marriage.

Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 

You both have an enemy to fight, and that enemy is the devil.  Join together to fight him.

There is a different way of looking at your disagreements as well.  Think of them as the enemy and you both as the victims of them. Instead of blaming each other, blame the argument itself.  By putting your focus on the argument itself instead of each other, it takes the heat off each other.  This helps you see your disagreements differently.  You can now work together as a team to beat the argument. 

Marriage is a partnership that was created by God.  This is not a 50/50 type deal. It is you giving 100 percent and your spouse giving 100 percent.  In the beginning, He put the first man and first woman together with all their strengths and weaknesses so that they could work together to do His will.  It is, therefore, in His creative design that you work together.  

The marriage covenant makes two separate people become one.  Therefore, together you can overcome your problems. Together you can make your marriage something beautiful.  When you enter into the marriage covenant, you lose your life and find in another’s. 

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. 

It should go without saying, but it really needs saying.  Each spouse in the marriage relationship deserves the other’s respect.  Remember that marriage is a partnership that God created. In this partnership, each should be respected as a person that God created and allowed you to enter into the covenant of marriage together with.

Even though the husband is the Biblical leader of the home, (see Ephesians 5: 22-25) this does not mean that he is superior to wife.  As a person, the husband and the wife are equal in the partnership of marriage, even though they have different positions within the design of marriage and the home.  Therefore the husband should treat his wife with all her emotions, feelings, and desires with respect.

Furthermore, the wife should treat her husband with respect.  How he feels and what he thinks should be important to her. Unless he is abusing her and the children, in which case she needs to get away from Him.  Otherwise, there should be mutual respect within the marriage relationship. Without this, there cannot be a successful marriage.

Never assume the worst about your spouse.  Always assume the best. Perhaps your wife is struggling with something that you may not understand.  Maybe your husband is going through something and needs your patience and understanding. Don’t just take everything that your spouse does or says as negative.

I know what she meant by that!  No, you don’t.  There is probably more to the story than what it seems from the outside.  Ask questions to clarify if you need to. There may be something that you need to discuss together.

I don’t know why, but for some reason, some people always have to win an argument.  They have to get the last word in. The truth is you never really win an argument in marriage, in fact, you probably lost if you think you won.  What you are fighting about may not be what you are really fighting about.  It is like the old saying, the bone that is on the table is not the bone the dog is choking on.  

Understanding this is critical in the marriage covenant.  Underlying frustration in marriage can lead to fights about completely unrelated things.  It is like the root of bitterness that the Bible describes.

Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled; 

It is all about the way you make your spouse feel.  For example, your spouse may have a deep fear of being rejected, and your actions may be making them feel rejected.  This could be the root of all the arguments that you don’t understand. 

Use the TEAM method to improve your relationship and solve the problems in your marriage. 

Together you can win / Each person is respected/ Always give the benefit of a doubt/ Meaning is more important than winning.

God made marriage as the most vulnerable relationship in the world.  A man and woman with absolutely nothing to hide from each other. This is the inference of the story of their creation.

And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. 

In marriage, there is nothing that should be hidden from each other.   Love is the ultimate gamble. Will she like me?  Will he love me for me?  We take the chance for the reward of love.   We become vulnerable to someone who could hurt us.

Transfer those actions and feelings into the marriage covenant and make yourself vulnerable to your spouse. It could very well save your marriage! What do you really have to lose by showing the most intimate parts of your heart to your spouse? You have entered into a covenant with each for a lifetime. It is time you started acting like it!

Take the time to really open up and talk to each other about how you feel.  You may be surprised. What is your deepest fear?  What is the one thing that you are afraid of?  These kinds of questions can put your marriage and your struggles into perspective.

You become the person that your spouse can talk to about how they feel.  Be the person who refuses to judge them. Be the person that accepts them with all their flaws and fears. Marriage is a man and woman coming together to share a life with nothing to hide from each other.

 How you can fix your marriage together

1. Find your common enemy
2. Use the TEAM method
3. Become Accessible to Each other.                        

The post How You Can Fix Your Marriage Together appeared first on Fixer Upper Marriage.

Full Assurance:  A Simple Tool for Gaining Real Assurance of Salvation is on sale now.  It is available on Amazon. If you buy the paperback version between August 12th-16th(2019), you can get the Kindle (ebook) version for free, with an app you can save the book on your phone or tablet.  For more information visit FixerUpperMarriage.org/FullAssurance.  Just click on the paperback version and it should give you the ebook as you check out.  Assurance is something I personally struggled with for a few years. So this is a book from someone who has been there.  Our website now has a bookstore that I will be adding to overtime. Send any questions to [email protected].

When fixing up a house, the decorations are what really make it special.  All the choices you get to make, come together to make your house unique. You pick the paint colors, the pictures on the wall, the style of the drapes, and even the little decor in your kitchen.   In our living room, we have shadow boxes with baby items from all our children. There are also pictures that we have bought and that family members have given to us. Our kitchen cabinets are all topped with decorative baskets that my wife has collected over the years.  We have red storage containers and appliances. This is the way we want it. The decorations in our home are the results of all the little decisions that we have made about what we want.  

Marriage is a lot like your house.  The little things that you want, that you add to your marriage make it unique and desirable to you.  All the little choices that you make add up to making your marriage the way that you want it. You chose to have those picture frames in the hallway.  You chose the style of that quilt in your bedroom. You have made choices that make your marriage what is, and those choices reflect what you want. 

 This is 3 Ways to Have the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted.  This is your guide for interior decorating in your marriage.

This brings us to short Bible verse I discovered this week hidden within the writings of the minor prophets.  

The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing.

This model from God is the key to decorating your marriage and getting what YOU want out of it.

3 Ways to have the marriage you’ve always wanted:

This is like the secret ingredient to a happy marriage.  Decorate your marriage with change. Not just any change, but your own changes.  

Like many of the minor prophet books of the Bible, (They are minor because of their length, not the value of their content) Zephaniah is filled with warnings of destruction for Israel because of them forsaking God.  However, in this section of the book, things have changed, and the Bible says that God will save.  This a huge change for those willing to turn from their sins.

I don’t know why we do it, but we all do.  You wish for your spouse to be better, or even worse you try to make your spouse better.  This never ends well for your marriage. Looking and waiting for a change in your spouse is like waiting to win the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes- it’s not gonna happen!  It like the odds are stacked against you.

The husband wishes his wife were different and instead of sitting down to discuss it, he becomes disconnected.  Then it becomes like a cycle when the wife notices the disconnection and tries to fix the husband. So, instead of becoming more as he wants, she becomes less of it in trying to change him.  This can get so bad, that a husband will look for what he wants in someone besides his wife.  

Then there is the wife who becomes a mother to her husband.  She starts treating her husband as one of the kids instead of her lover!  Your husband did not marry you so that he could have another mother, he married you because he wanted a wife!   This starts another cycle when the husband refuses the childlike correction of his wife. So the wife becomes frustrated with her husband who refuses to change.  In this way, a wife can unwittingly tear down her relationship with her husband.

You may stay “together”  through all of this, but you will not be happy together.  Sometimes it gets so bad that you start thinking about the unthinkable.  The wife may start to think, If only I was married to him instead, or the husband may think, If only I was married to her instead.

It is like an oxymoron.  By seeking to change yourself, you find happiness in your marriage.   This is the opposite of what you may think; If only my spouse were different, then I would be happy.  The real story is more like this:  If only I were different, I would be happy.

Learning how to change you is how you really change the decorations in your marriage.  To get what you want in your marriage, you have to make the choice to change yourself. Turn your focus on making yourself better instead of trying to make your spouse better.  This is how you have a dull, boring marriage to having a great marriage. Also, if your spouse gets on board with this, trust me, sparks are really going to fly!   

Start by making a list.  What are some things you can change about you that would help make you a better spouse?  The following is a good template for you to use:

Her List His List

Marriage is one thing in life that is worth putting everything you have into.  Give your best to being the best you can be for your spouse. It may be in the small things that you do every day, or in the big changes that you make for the sake of your marriage.

The best thing you can do for your spouse is to become a better Christian.  Make it your goal to start your day by spending time with God. This will not only make you more like Jesus, but it will also help your marriage.  As you allow God to work in your heart and make changes to you, those changes translate to other relationships, particularly marriage.  

The following are some ways that you can help yourself become a better Christian, and also a better spouse at the same time.

• Attend a good church regularly, even when you don’t feel like it.
• Read your Bible every day, even if it is just a verse, make it a habit.
• Find and memorize verses that are meaningful to you.  Today’s verse is Zephaniah 3:17, I am going to memorize it.
• Incorporate prayer into your day.  This means really talking to God in the moments when you are alone.
• Read good books that encourage you to become a better Christian.  
• Don’t hold anything back from God.  

God said something amazing in this verse that is very encouraging to me, he will rejoice over thee with joy.  To think that the God of Heaven would even stop to think about little insignificant me.  Much less, that He would rejoice over me being right with Him. Wow! It is one thing for God to say He loves me, as I see this image of Him having to try really hard to pull it off.  However, it is altogether something else, to think that He is rejoicing over me!

This is what real love and marriage are all about.  To love your spouse so much that you enjoy them. I remember when I first started falling for my wife while we were only in the courtship phase of marriage.  We loved being with each other so much, that we could barely stand being apart. These feelings just got stronger the longer we were together and on our wedding day, we were so ready to be together, that we could barely wait to be on our honeymoon.

Things in marriage have a way of changing.  You have arguments, you have problems, and then you have kids!   In all the problems of life, you somehow lose the joy of just being together.  It doesn’t have to be that way though. Remember, just like a house, you chose what decorations are in it.

There is this fairy tale idea of marriage that your spouse is supposed to be everything you are not.  Deep inside of every bride is the longing for the knight in shining armor, ready to slay all the dragons for her.  Deep inside every groom is the longing for a beautiful princess, falling hopelessly into his waiting arms. Life, however, is not so much like the fairy tales!  Husbands and wives have problems and not always easy to live with.

It is unreasonable for you to expect too much from your spouse.  In fact, I would advise you not to expect anything from them.   We talked about this a few weeks ago in a lesson entitled, 3 Things You Should Throw Out of Your Marriage. One of those three things was expectations.  If you are going to have expectations, then have them for yourself.

If you expect your spouse to complete you, then you are always going to be disappointed in them, because they cannot do this for you.  Only a relationship with God can complete you. Expecting your spouse to do something that only God can do for you is just asking for trouble.

Take the time to spend together to restore that friendship aspect of your marriage.  You don’t have to spend a lot of money or make elaborate plans, you just need to be together.  It can be as big as a getaway or as small as just sitting on the front porch and quietly holding hands.  These all accomplish the same thing of fostering your relationship as friends.  

Trying learning to enjoy the same things that your spouse enjoys.  If your husband likes football, try to learn about it and watch it with him, in this way you have things in common to share.  If your wife likes walking in the park, take her for a walk. Newsflash, they don’t cost anything. Develop your friendship and you can rediscover the joy of just being together.  

The Bible says it plainly in our text verse, he will rest in his love.  His love for me is enough to keep His covenant with me meaningful.  My relationship with Him is so important that to Him that he can rest in His love.

Be satisfied with loving your spouse and being together.  You can rest and be content in the fact that you love your spouse.

3 Ways to Have the Marriage You’ve always wanted

1. Learn to Change you
2. Learn to Enjoy Your Spouse
3. Let love be enough

The post 3 Ways to Have the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted appeared first on Fixer Upper Marriage.

Marriage is like a house.  There are things you can do or not do, that can over time ruin the property.  When you don’t fix things when they break, or do preventive maintenance, your house can go from nice to run down and maybe even unlivable.  Your marriage is the same way, if you just ignore your problems or refuse to work at preventing them, your marriage can go from nice to run down, or maybe even unlivable!  Learn how to change the things that ruin your marriage.

Listening is a key part of succeeding in a marriage relationship.   It is like my relationship with God, knowing that He is listening to me, gives me comfort and security.  

And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us:  And if we know that he hear us, whatsoever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we desired of him. 

Knowing that your spouse cares enough about you to listen to what you have to say creates comfort and security in your relationship.  Likewise, if you don’t listen to your spouse it gives them the signal that you don’t care about what they have to say.

You talk about the things that are important to you and expect your spouse to listen.  However, your spouse may have some things that are important to them. Sometimes it may be time to stop talking and listen to what your spouse has to say.  

This is when listening becomes incredibly intimate.  To think that my spouse is so interested in me, that she would stop talking about the things that she cares about to find out what I care about!  This is an act so personal, it sparks a flame of passion that you can’t find anywhere else in this world.  

Have you ever experienced God answering a prayer for you?  If not, I would highly recommend that you ask for some specific, personal things from God. (see James 4: 2-3)  It is like your faith in Him just explodes! I believed that He was listening to me, now I absolutely know that He was not only listening, but He cared about what I was saying to him.

The marriage relationship can be similar.  If you know that your spouse is listening to you, the joy in your marriage will just explode!  It is just another way that the marriage covenant reflects the story of the Gospel. He loves us with a love that is so intense, that it inspires Him to listen.  Love your spouse with a love so intense, that it inspires you to listen.

The Gospel story involves a giving that is unimaginable.  God gave his son.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. 

He traded the life of His Son for unworthy sinners.  It was a trade for people who cared nothing about Him, or what He wanted.  I don’t think that any of us will fully understand the impact of the giving that He gave until we get to Heaven.  It is not just the act of forgiveness, which is absolutely amazing, but it is what He has promised for us in eternity.  It is found all throughout the New Testament, that salvation is in what He has made for us throughout eternity.

Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is. 

Within the simple phrase, now are we the sons of God, is the promise of a truth that reflects the way He has fully given His life for ours.  He so completely gave Himself away for you, that you become the son of God. In willingly laying down His life, He held nothing back.

 Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. 

Then there is our seemingly pathetic attempts to give back to Him.  His part of salvation was in a single sacrifice, and before that moment, the decision to give us everything had already been made.  My part of giving my life back to Him, is unfortunately, a process. It is an ongoing struggle of me surrendering, of me giving up myself for Him.

When you make those sacred vows before God, you are giving yourself away.  Marriage is a commitment to give yourself unreservedly to the one you love.   It is the closest act to the Gospel that this world has to offer. You are giving away everything because you love the person to whom you are giving.  It is the divine plan of your creator, to give yourself away in the marriage covenant. 

The following are some things that you should give away to your spouse.  These things consequently mirror the giving that God gave through the Gospel.

Marriage is the act of giving your heart away to someone else.  To open yourself up to the possibility of being completely destroyed.  To become completely vulnerable to someone else. It is like the chance that Jesus takes with you.  He knows that you could always reject His love yet He offers it without reservation.

For you to make the decision to take the risk of completely giving your heart away, is the ultimate meaning of marriage and love.  Don’t hold back from giving yourself away to your spouse. In your giving, do like God has for you, give everything.

It was on the cross of Calvary, where Jesus gave His body away.   This is when He willingly gave Himself away for you. In marriage, this is what you should do, give your body away.  It is God’s plan from the beginning (see Genesis 2:25). With complete love to willingly give your body to your spouse, is to fulfill the act of love.  In your giving, do like God has done for you, give everything.

 It is the most valuable thing that you own.  It is the one thing that you can never get back once it is gone.  Love is taking your time and giving it away to your spouse. Give the time to talk, date, and hold each other.

One of the most amazing things about being a christian, is the time that He takes for you.  How is it possible that the God of Heaven would even think about me, much less have a relationship with me?  Amazingly He does!    

Marriage is about giving your time away to someone else. It is saying, I have this time and I am giving it to you.

Marriage is basically saying, “I love you so much that I want to grow old with you.”  I am giving you the rest of my life. I make this vow to spend a lifetime with you. It is in the words, “for better or for worse”, that this commitment becomes a reality.

God designed marriage as a lifetime commitment.  In this way it shows His commitment in the Gospel.  However, His love, commitment, and giving is not momentary or attached to temporary emotion, but it is wrapped up in one word, eternity.  

The act of marriage is in giving yourself away for a lifetime.

This is when marriage gets hard, when you don’t get your way.  To submit your will, for the happiness and betterment of the person you love is what marriage is all about.  This is found in the Bible instructions for husbands and wives in the book of Ephesians, in fact it is like the preamble, it is like that title that sums up everything that is about to be said.

Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.

To be honest, this verse hits incredibly hard.  After all, life is about the pursuit of happiness, it is about making myself happy, or so we have been told.  The truth is something entirely different, that you should be in the pursuit of making someone happy. Real joy is found in giving up what you want, for the sake of someone else.

Again, this principle is burned into the pages of Scripture in the ultimate submission of Christ to the cross for the sole benefit of the unworthy  sinners that He loved.

Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God. 

It is ingrained within your sinful nature to seek what you want at the expense of someone else.   Learn to compromise what you want, to give your spouse what they want. You will discover a secret of marriage, that in letting go of what you want, you find what you really wanted along without knowing it. There is joy in letting go of yourself and embracing another.

This is what Jesus did in the Gospel, He let go of His life and found the Joy in embracing the wants and needs of someone else.  The word comprise has received a bad rap over the years. However, it is OK to compromise in marriage. You don’t always have to have it your way.

You don’t have to compromise your principles, or your faith, but you can comprise what YOU want.  Healthy relationships require compromise to stay healthy.  No you can’t have it your way all the time, even though your inner toddler may want it that way.  Some people never learn the lessons of compromise.

Work at finding what your spouse wants, and giving it to them.  Study what they say and what they desire and seek to give it to them.  

Anyone who knows Jesus, can tell you, that He does this.  Moreover, He deliberately gives you things that you want, just to let know that He cares that much about you.  

Three Surefire Ways to Ruin Your Marriage

1. Ignore your spouse
2. Be greedy
3. Never compromise

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