Fixer Upper Marriage

Waiting is hard to do and these days no one wants to do it.  We become irritated if we have to wait longer than 30 seconds in line at the store, upset if it takes 10 seconds for a page to load on our computers, and enraged if the car in front of us is doing the speed limit!  Coffee must be instant and food must be fast (which fast food is not really all that faster). Our expectations are to not have to wait on anything.

However, waiting is one of the most important aspects of the christian life and marriage.  God wants you to learn how to wait. It is a part of the process of conforming us into the image of His Son.  Notice the following words from the book of James;

My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;  Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. 

God is not making you wait to just toy with you, rather it is in His purposes and plans for you to wait on things.  His timing is always perfect even when our expectations may be different. Waiting is trusting that He knows what is best.  

What does it mean to wait and what should you wait for?  Let’s consider four things you should wait for in marriage.

God designed the physical, intimate connections between a man and woman to be enjoyed inside the covenant of marriage. (see Genesis 2:25)  This is the part of marriage that Satan has viciously attacked. It has become common and acceptable in our society to sleep and live together before marriage.  This is not the design of God for the marriage covenant.

The Bible explains this principle in I Corinthians 6: 12-20.  It goes all the way back to the beginning of mankind, when God put Adam and Eve together, two became one flesh.  God created this beautiful act of the joining of two inside the covenant of marriage. It is a connection of two people so intimate, that it is exclusive of anyone else in the entire world.  However, when you make this connection outside of the marriage covenant, you not only sin against God, but you rob yourself of the joy, intimacy, and pleasure that you could have had within His plan.  The Bible makes ii incredibly plain so that there can be no misunderstanding, or room for misinterpretation. 

Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body. 

Wait until you are married.  It is one of the things in life that is truly worth waiting for.  This is the most precious gift that you can give to your spouse, to be able to say “I am yours and only yours.”

The pull of adultery is real.  It draws us through the things of this world, like it has never before in history.  There are images and videos that you can access within seconds without anyone ever knowing.  The internet has connected us so personally, that you could literally stumble into the act of adultery online.  Jesus was way ahead of his time when He spoke the following words:

Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:  But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. 

Instead of working to cultivate the two becoming one flesh Bible principle of marriage,  sin draws you into a trap of finding it elsewhere.  The thing that we miss is that doing things God’s way is always better for you.  

There is also another aspect of adultery that threatens your marriage.  Long before you begin an affair, you become unfaithful emotionally. You begin to share how you feel, and personal things in your life with someone who is not your spouse.   You have conversations that connect you in ways that should only be between husband and wife. It does not take long for that to turn into something more intimate. It is like you are growing a relationship with someone else that will blossom into something ugly and dirty.   It will become something that makes you ashamed.

This is where the work in marriage comes into play.  It is that you work on keeping the relationship with your spouse growing and intimate.  In this way you can turn to each other for emotional and intimate connections. Protect your marriage by having an affair with your spouse instead of someone else!  You become the person that your spouse can turn to for their emotional and physical desires. 

There is no instant healing for the pain and hurts in marriage.  Perhaps your spouse was unfaithful to you, or you were unfaithful to your spouse.  Maybe your spouse has disappointed you or your marriage is a disappointment to you.  It takes time and patience to heal, like having a broken bone takes weeks of rest, checkups, and probably an uncomfortable cast. 

I like to think about how incredibly patient God is with me.  Before I knew Him, He gave me so much time to get right with Him, in my case, it was years.  Even now, He will show me things I need to correct in my walk with Him, and it takes me so long to get those straightened out.  God is patient.  

This is where marriage gets tough.  Being patient with each other when things are not the way you want them to be.  This is when God uses your marriage to make you more like Jesus. He has designed marriage to teach you patience.  It is in this teaching that you find the joy and reward of loving each other through your problems. 

God has given us the power of His Spirit to live the christian life.  When your relationship with Him is right and thriving you can experience Him helping you become patient.  Stuck right in the middle of the Bible’s description of the fruit of the Spirit is the word, longsuffering.  This is the word that can change your marriage with God’s help. Be longsuffering or patient with your spouse.  It may takes some time for things in your marriage to improve, but that is OK, because time is a gift from God.  

This past week, that would be Saturday, July 13th around 11:30 am my sweet 8 year old nephew was suddenly taken from this world.  Our time with him was done. God has given you the gift of time with your spouse, use that gift to patiently love and bring restoration to your marriage.  Maybe you could use that time to make your marriage special. To fix your love for each other.

The Bible has a way of putting life in a different perspective when you read it.  This is a truth about marriage that is hard to practice, but necessary to succeed.  How can you love God who you have not seen, when you don’t love your spouse that you do see?

If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen? 

Loving and being patient with your spouse is in a way, a form in which you love God.  Wait on your spouse. Wait on your restoration. Wait on your recovery. Wait on your marriage to get better.

This is the big one.  That problem that almost all married couples face.  It is waiting to have things. The young married couple expects to have what the couple who has been married for many years has.  The couple with unreasonable expectations buys a house they cannot really afford, a car with outrageous payments, or frivolous things on credit.  I think about my niece who is getting married soon, they don’t have all the “things” yet, but they have each other. You don’t need those things, you just need each other.

It is like God made the passion and intensity of love so great when you start out that you don’t need anything else.  When you first start out in marriage, you live on love. It is in the early days that you must learn the lesson of waiting.  This is a lesson that all married couples need to learn. God designed life, so that you would have to wait. Learn to wait on “things” and enjoy the moments that God give you together right now.  Nobody can afford to buy the time that you have.

I have known couples who have a lot of things that I have never had, but they were miserable.  The truth may be, that the couple who can afford to have all the things that you don’t, may not really be able to afford them either.  It is OK to wait on things, and just learn how to enjoy each other.

Jesus preached to those who were obsessed with the things that they needed or didn’t have.  He admonished them to focus on spiritual things above the material. Within his admonition was a promise to provide those things that were needed:

 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Let’s just be honest.  You have what you need, and if you are happily married, you have something special that money can’t buy.  Put God first in your marriage, and He will make sure you have those things that you need.

This is a misunderstood Bible principle.  Waiting on Him, is not the same as waiting at the hwy department for your number to be called out.  It is instead like being a good waiter or waitress at a restaurant. It means taking orders, and anticipating the wants and desires of the one being served.

In waiting, we serve Him.  In serving Him, we stand still while trusting in His plans and purposes.  In waiting we become as the sheep of Psalm 23, resting in the care of our shepherd.  

You can rest in the fact that He will give you the desires in your heart that He puts there.

Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. 

You can rely on the promise that you will see Him face to face.

Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is. 

1. Wait on Your Marriage
2. Wait on restoration and healing
3. Wait on material things
4.  Wait on Jesus

The post 4 Things You Should Wait for in Marriage appeared first on Fixer Upper Marriage.

Marriage is truly an amazing creation.  For God to imagine such an incredible way of living and reproducing on this earth.  He created man and woman to need each other and to seek to love each other. To fall in love, and give yourself to another for a lifetime is the most amazing relationship on the planet.  

A moment between two people can develop into a love relationship that leads to a commitment and vow that binds two hearts together for a lifetime.  We are made to be together and to share in the happiness and sorrows of life.  

Etched into my mind, is the day that I gave my heart on the wedding altar to my beautiful wife.  It was a moment in time that changed everything for me.  I remember the moment when I said the most meaningful and powerful words in the language of man, I love you.  It is in the sacred act of marriage that those words became truly meaningful.

What is the purpose of marriage?  To you, it may be to fulfill a dream of having a family, to experience the joys in the expressions of love, or to have someone who really cares about you.  

God however, has a purpose for marriage that is much more meaningful and impactful on eternity.  The only way to understand this is to know Him as your personal savior. To have that moment in your life, when you experience the love of Jesus and the forgiveness of sin through salvation.  It is just like that moment when I saw my bride, took her hands, and gave my heart to her. This is the moment when you give your heart Jesus.

What is the purpose of marriage? Today we will discover three purposes for the christian marriage.  These reasons I find personally convicting and that I fall short of fulfilling.

In the book of Acts, before Jesus left this world, he made a promise to his disciples to give them the Holy Spirit.  It had always been there, but upon His ascension, they would have the Spirit in their hearts. In and through this act, they would experience the powerful impact of Jesus living through them.

And he said unto them, It is not for you to know the times or the seasons, which the Father hath put in his own power.  But ye shall receive power, after that the Holy Ghost is come upon you: and ye shall be witnesses unto me both in Jerusalem, and in all Judaea, and in Samaria, and unto the uttermost part of the earth. 

Throughout my life as a christian I have heard people and especially preachers begging and pleading for power.  They pray for power to become a great preacher, power to have a personal legacy, and power to have a meaningful life.  The power of the Holy Ghost is something entirely different and much more impactful on this world and eternity.

Jesus had found these men and women, and made disciples out of them.  Now He promises the power of the Spirit so that they could find and make disciples for Him!  The power is to impact lives for eternity through the Gospel message not for your own personal glorification.

Marriage is a union designed by God to enhance the spread of the Gospel message.  The two of you together can make a greater impact than one alone. This principle is expressed in the wisdom of the Bible.

Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. 

It is the mission of making disciples for him that we should engage our efforts in.  It is the mission of the christian husband and wife to make disciples. It starts with our babies, our neighbors, and then to the entire world.

It is hard to fight each other, when you are both busy with the battle for souls.  Instead of nagging and criticizing your husband, imagine if you encouraged Him to give out Gospel tracts, or to be a witness on the job.  

The problem with christian marriages today, is that we are not in the battle to advance His Church.  It is like we care about everything except for what He does. If you can focus your lives together on making disciples, you find a higher purpose than the frivolous fights we get into with each other.

We fight over food, household chores, plans, and completely silly things that don’t really matter.  All the while, there is a world full of people who are lost without Christ. There is a great mission that God wants you involved in.  It is a mission that is being neglected, a mission to make disciples for Him.  

• Join a good local church.  The church is the vehicle that God has chosen to complete His mission.  We can do more to impact the world collectively than we could ever do alone.  It is an important step to be a part of a local church community.

• Get involved in ministry.  Find a place to use your talent in the church.  Every christian has a gift that God wants you to use in the church in some way.  (see Romans 12) To say that you don’t have a gift that you can use in the church is like calling God a liar!  Your gift may be to teach, to play an instrument, to sing, to write, or to be an encourager. Whatever your gift is, you can use it to help the church and to advance the light of the Gospel into a dark world.  

• Give money.  Make tithing and regular giving a part of your budget.  This gives the church resources to fulfill the mission of making disciples!  Give to the missions fund so that the church can provide resources to missionaries around the world.  For example, our church supports missionaries for $40.00 per month, maybe this could be your starting goal, to give enough so that the church could support one missionary!  I wonder what people in other countries who are barely able to eat think about us, who constantly complain about not having enough.

• Be creative in sharing the Gospel. There are plenty of ways you can use your gifts to impact others.  You could make meals for someone in need, or bake cookies to show love to someone who is hurting.  Also, if you are a planner, you could volunteer to help plan a special event at church that could encourage people to visit.  (like a 9/11 memorial service). You could even ask the pastor what ministries the church has that you could be involved in as a couple!

It is like we live never thinking of what will happen when we see Him.  That first meeting face to face with Him that is promised in Scripture, will put everything in life in a different perspective.   After seeing God, Job said, I abhor myself, and repent in dust and ashes. (Job 42: 5-6). In the Revelation of John, after seeing the Lord, he fell on his face like a dead man (Revelation 1: 17).  When we really see Him, we will see how unworthy we really are of His Mercy and Grace. Also, what we have done in life and its meaningfulness to Him will come into view.

And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;  Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ.  But he that doeth wrong shall receive for the wrong which he hath done: and there is no respect of persons. 

Live the way that you will have wished you would have when you see Him.  Everyone will someday have to face Him alone. What will you have to show for the life that He has given you now?  What a shame if we have to stand before Him having not helped make any disciples for Him. He gave me one mission, how could I put so little effort into completing it.  

There is a story in the Bible that illustrates our future meeting with Jesus almost perfectly.  It is called the Parable of the Talents (Mattew 25: 14-30). In it a man travels to a far country, leaving his three servants with money,  one with five talents, one with two talents, and one with one talent. Upon his return, the servant with five talents had invested and gained five more, the servant with two talents had invested and gained two more, but the servant with one talent had buried it and gained nothing.  In rebuke, the lord called him wicked and slothful, then took his one talent and gave it the servant with ten!

Will you stand before Jesus having done nothing to advance His Church?  Will you stand before Him with nothing to show for all that He has given you?  After He burns up all the things that don’t really matter (wood, hay, and stubble), what will you have left for him?  (I Corinthians 3: 12-16)  

This is the problem, that our focus in not on eternity. It is like you live your life like there is nothing after it.  A thousand years from now, how big your house was, the car you drove, or the things that you had, will not matter. However, the faces of those who you had an impact in becoming His disciples will.

If your spouse does not know Jesus, you can use your life in Jesus to show them the way. (see I Corinthians 7: 12-16)  You can also help your saved spouse be prepared for when they see Jesus. I want my wife to be ready for that moment when she sees Jesus face to face also. 

You can accomplish this by using the partnership of marriage to make disciples for Him.  By doing things for Christ together, or supporting your spouse as they use their gifts for Him, you help them have something to show in that day.   When your husband wants to go on visitation, encourage him to do so. If your wife has the gift of singing, do everything you can to encourage her to use it.  

When God created marriage, He made a powerful partnership that is not rivaled by anything except for the partnership of Christ and the Church.  It is within the marriage covenant that two can do as one, what they could have never done alone.  

To some, the Bible is a way to condemn everyone else.  It is like they see in the Bible the wrong that everyone else is doing.  The truth about the Bible is what makes me love it so much, that it shows ME what I am doing wrong.  It is like a constant reminder of how much I need to change to reach my goal of being like Jesus. This is after all, the definition of a christian (little versions of Christ).  (see Acts 11: 26)    

It is like going for an annual checkup to see how you are doing physically.  Except this is a spiritual checkup that you have to give yourself every morning.  The following are some checkup questions you can ask yourself each morning:

• Do I have any unconfessed sins of actions or neglect?
• Who in my life, can I help lead to Christ?
• What can I do today that will really matter in eternity?
• How can I help my spouse serve God today?

As much as marriage is such an amazing creation of God to accomplish His will in this world, it can become a distraction to the mission.  The Bible makes this point in the book of I Corinthians.

But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife.  There is a difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.  And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction. 

Although I am a happily married man, it is possible that I could become so distracted in marriage that I lose sight of the real mission.  Pleasing each other is great, but we are called to a higher calling in the Gospel, that it is to do all we can to make disciples for Him.

I think that our adversary the devil, uses marriage as a way to distract us from our mission.  If he can get your marriage messed up through discontentment or adultery he wins a great victory for darkness, sin, and hell.  Now you have to leave the front lines of the battle to fight each other.

Also, focusing too much on your marriage instead of your real mission can take you out of the battle.  Neglecting the real mission for something else, will leave you with regret in eternity. When you stand before Jesus alone, what will matter, is what you have done to make more disciples, not how great your marriage was!

Working together for the Lord, puts things in a different perspective.  You will find that serving God together solves a lot of the problems in your marriage.  This is because when you are both focused on the mission instead of your problems, those problems become less consequential. 

The things in my marriage that are not pleasing ME right now, are not as critical as the mission that God has given to us to make disciples for Him. It is like holding hands and doing His will, draws you closer to God and each other at the same time.  

What is the purpose of marriage?

1. To share in the mission of the Gospel
2. To face God with no regrets
3. To act like you are not

The post What Is the Purpose of Marriage? appeared first on Fixer Upper Marriage.

What happens when two people are fixing up a house?  Inevitably, there will be disagreements in style and use.  It could be the color scheme, the decorations, or the layout.  The marriage relationship has a similar problem, in that it is composed of two people who are probably very different.  In fact, most people tend to marry their opposite! The interest and attraction comes from how different your spouse is than you.  Consider the following:

• God made men and women different biologically, chemically, and emotionally and it is these differences that generate natural curiosity and attraction.  However, these same differences can cause relationship conflicts.
• People are defined by life events and circumstances.  These all make you who you are and add to your uniqueness as an individual.  This does however, make your point of view unique and likely different than your spouse.
• Your personality makes you unique.  It is the one thing that most obviously displays your defining characteristics. I am an introvert who fell hopelessly in love with a beautiful extrovert, my opposite personality!  The way she opened up to me, and related so joyfully to life, made me desire in her what I was missing. Having said that, opposite personalities can generate friction and disagreements.

So, the inevitable happens and you fight.  This is when your relationship is pushed to its limits.  Your love is put in the pressure cooker of life. How you respond means everything to your marriage and your love life.

Three Ways to End a Fight and Make Up

In the Book of Revelation God sends a message to seven different churches.  In these letters God criticizes the churches, and He lays out a principle for criticism that can be applied to the marriage covenant.  In addressing the church are Ephesus He says, 

I know thy works, and thy labour, and thy patience, and how thou canst not bear them which are evil: and thou hast tried them which say they are apostles, and are not, and hast found them liars:  And hast borne, and hast patience, and for my name’s sake hast laboured, and hast not fainted. Nevertheless I have somewhat against thee, because thou hast left thy first love. Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen, and repent, and do the first works; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will remove thy candlestick out of his place, except thou repent.  But this thou hast, that thou hatest the deeds of the Nicolaitans, which I also hate. 

Notice that he compliments the church first, and last.  Stuck right in the middle is the message of criticism to the church.  This is the pattern of criticism in love, to blanket it in compliments.

You can spend so much time criticizing each other, that it is like you ignore all the good things that your spouse does.  This can drive your relationship apart, and isolate your spouse. It is like the old question, is the glass half-full or half-empty?  In choosing to focus on what is missing, you take for granted what you have.  

It is a sad but true reality that sometimes you don’t realize what you have until you lose it.  If you completely zero in on what your spouse is not, you miss what they really are to you. Constantly focusing on what you don’t have in marriage will rob you of what you do have.  

Also, consider what will happen when someone else compliments your spouse.  The husband who feels like he does nothing right at home, may find someone who appreciates him elsewhere.  The wife who never hears how pretty she is from her husband, may hear it from someone who is not. All of a sudden, the temptation to seek fulfillment outside of the marriage covenant is fully realized.

Make a commitment before you criticize your spouse.  As much as your spouse deserves the criticism you are about to give them, they deserve your praise for all the good things they do!  Chances are, they do plenty of things that are good, you just have not been recognizing those things.  

What do you have to lose by complimenting your spouse?  Go out of your way to thank them for something they do, or something good about them.  The following chart lists some practical examples:

You can overwrite the negative tendencies in your mind by consciously making the effort to change your way of thinking.  When you have a negative thought about your spouse, replace it with something positive about them. If you still feel the need to offer your criticism constructively, you can do so with an appreciation for the good in your spouse.

Anyone who has been married for any length of time can tell you, that when you say something matters as much or more than what you are actually saying.  Saying the wrong thing at the wrong time is like throwing a match onto your gasoline soaked relationship!  This is not going to end well.

Consider the timing of your criticism, or the negative conversation that you intend on having. Is this the best time to offer criticism or talk this way to my spouse? You may want to just be blunt (this usually works best with husbands) and just ask if it is a good time.  You could also try touching your spouse first (this usually works best with wives) and measure her response. If she pulls away from you, this may not be the time to bring up a constructive criticism! 

We have all been there, when anger and passions are heightened and you interrupt each other to get your point across. These types of conversations can quickly turn into a shouting match!  Make your mind up before you get into this type of conversation, that you will take turns talking and listening.  

Listen to your spouse until they are finished talking.  Make sure you listen in an attempt to understand their point of view because buried beneath their anger could be a truth about you that you need to deal with personally.  After they are finished, and you give a moment to make sure your spouse is done talking, now it is your turn to talk. This puts reason and purpose into your conversation.

If you stop to listen you may discover something about the situation and your spouse that you were unaware of.  You may not have been aware that you were making your wife feel the way that she does. By listening to your husband you may find out how you have been making him feel.  This is how something good and constructive can come from an argument, by listening and allowing your spouse to talk as well yourself!

In your relationship with God, it is important that you not only talk to Him in prayer, but that you give Him the opportunity to speak to you.  You can do this by reading your Bible, going to church, and listening to sermons. Many people have this one sided relationship with God that is unhealthy and unhelpful because they are the only ones who ever talk.  You have the expectation that God will listen to you without giving Him the chance to talk to you. 

The marriage relationship is basically the same.  For you to have a happy and successful marriage you must have open and realistic conversations where both of you have a chance to talk about your grievances in a productive manner.  You may find out that you actually have less to fight about than what you may have thought.

The Bible gives us some pointed principles about anger that apply particularly to marriage.

Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:  Neither give place to the devil. 

The principle here is to not hold on to your anger too long.  In this case, the admonition is basically, “don’t go to bed angry.”  There comes a point where you just have to let things go. What is the point in going to bed mad each other?   Even though you both may have said things in the heat of the moment that you really did not mean, just let it go.  You can waste valuable time and energy by staying angry about things that are probably trivial.

There is a real danger in NOT fighting.  If you hold onto things that you are angry about without ever confronting your spouse about them, you could develop deep resentment for those things.  That resentment can turn into a bitterness that controls your actions and thoughts.  

There is nothing worse in marriage than being bitter.  When you feel resentful about something your spouse has done or not done, be diligent in choosing to let go of those things.  Once you become bitter, it is incredibly hard to get rid of it. You make the choice to either let things go, or to hold on them and it is from this choice that resentment and bitterness springs.

Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled; 

It only takes a little root to make you miserable.  It only takes a little root to put you in an unhappy marriage.  Make the commitment with your spouse to let things go BEFORE you go to bed each night.  This way each day in your marriage is like hitting the reset button!

The secret to a happy marriage is not in avoiding all conflict and disagreements, but in how you respond to those things.  To be completely honest, one of the intimate things about marriage is making up after a fight! As discussed earlier the argument may have produced some helpful feedback about yourself in the relationship.  Now it is time to let go of your anger and forgive each other. After you have made amends, act like the fight never happened.

Again, this is a lot like my relationship with the Lord.  Although I may have done some things that are wrong and failed Him, He gives me the chance to make those things right.  He forgives me, shows mercy, and even acts like it never happened! There are some things that God has personally dealt with me and I am sorry for those things, and I am in the process of making those things right. 

However, there is joy in the process of making those things right.  That is the thing about marriage, there is so much joy in the process of making things right with each other!  If you never had a fight, how could you ever possibly know the awesome joy of making up!

3 ways to end a fight and make up

1. Use the Power of Compliments
2. Know When to Talk and When to Not Talk
3. Let Go of Your Anger as soon as Possible

The post 3 Ways to End a Fight and Make Up appeared first on Fixer Upper Marriage.

Fixing up a house means accounting for the things that people do every day.  This includes the furniture that you relax on, the bed that you sleep in, and even the refrigerator that you open multiple times a day.  Love and marriage is also filled with things that you do every day that have an impact on it. 

These  things that you do everyday are called habits.  According to Mirriam Webster’s online, a habit is a settled tendency or usual manner of behavior.  Some habits are good, while others can be bad or even dangerous.  When a habit really takes over, it becomes automatic. At their best, habits can be incredibly helpful and at their worst, can become an addiction. 

Habits come in all sorts, and most of the time you did not make a deliberate effort to start them, you just started.  I have to personally admit that I have some habits that I would like to change in my life. So let’s learn why and how you should correct the bad habits in your marriage.

There is an unmistakable principle in the Bible of acknowledging your mistakes and failures.  In fact it is the first step in forgiveness. By acknowledging your sin, you become a candidate for Grace and forgiveness.  This is perfectly illustrated in what has become known as the Roman’s Road (a few simple Bible verses that explain the way of salvation).  

For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;

You absolutely cannot get forgiveness for sins, until you understand that those sins are bad, and need to be forgiven.  Also, in recognizing that your habits are having a negative impact on your life and marriage, you see the need to correct whatever negative behaviors you have adopted into your routines.  In one of the most relatable and memorable Psalms, this principle is relayed pointedly.

I acknowledged my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid. I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the LORD; and thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin.

Once a negative habit has infiltrated your marriage, it becomes a part of your love relationship.  No longer are you husband and wife, but, husband, wife, and __________ habit.  

For instance, if you develop a habit or addiction to your smartphone, it is no longer just the two of you going out to eat, it is you, your spouse, and your phone.  It is no longer just the two of you in bed, it is you, your spouse, and your phone. It is no longer just the two of you on the couch watching a movie, it is the two of you with you spending time with your smartphone.  

Whatever the habit is that impacts your marriage in a negative way, it becomes that 3rd party.  It interferes and even replaces your relationship with your spouse. Ask yourself the following question, If I took this habit out of my life, how would it impact my marriage?

If you just can’t make it without checking your social media feeds, it has moved from a habit to an addiction.  This is not just something that you do everyday, it is something that you can’t stop doing. You no longer control the habit, it controls you.  I recently noticed that the first thing that I do every morning is to check my phone for alerts, sports scores, and text messages. I don’t know when this happened, but I intend to correct this behavior.   If you are not careful these things can develop into direct addiction instead of a simple habit.

For instance, when you develop a bad habit of looking at pornography or pushing the limits of what you consider pornographic it can quickly become an addiction that controls you.  Popular syndicated television today is filled with nudity, rape, and even incest. If you watch those things, they will eventually infiltrate your mind. This can change what thoughts and behaviors you view as acceptable.  If you have a YouTube account, I am sure you have noticed the inappropriate things that show up as suggestions.  The truth is you can see more pornography on accident today than people in previous generations could have seen on purpose.  

Or if you find yourself in the habit of taking painkillers, it can quickly become an addiction that controls you.   The United States has recently been involved in what has been called the Opioid Crisis, which is a mass number of American citizens who are addicted and abusing prescription painkillers.  The American Psychiatric Association released a poll this past May that revealed that nearly one out of every three people personally know someone addicted to opioids.  They also estimate that 2 million people have a substance abuse problem related to opioids.

People have a tendency to rationalize what they are doing wrong.  It is a mistake to pair your bad habits with things that are outside of your control.  You may say that you binge on ice cream because of stress. You may say that you watch things that you shouldn’t because you are having problems in your marriage.  This way of thinking goes all the way back to the fall of man where Adam told God these words: The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. (see Genesis 3: 12)

In order to rightly deal with your bad habits you must first ISOLATE them.  They are your problem and your responsibility to correct. You have made bad choices that have led to this bad habit in your life.  Now, you have to take the steps necessary to end the negative habits that you have allowed into your life.

It is not enough to just acknowledge that your habits are problem.  It is not enough to know that your behavior has bad consequences. Facts or feelings of guilt are not enough motivation for you to break bad habits. You have to do something about it!  Have a determination to get rid of the bad habits in your life. Make a commitment to overcome them. Write down the date and time, right now I am making a commitment to finally get rid of this bad habit in my life.  

If you have developed the habit of ignoring your family, make constructive plans to fix it. Put your phone away when you get home from work.  Limit your time reading the news or social media feeds including YouTube videos to a certain block of time. How about a standard of 10- 15 minutes on electronics when you get home?

God is interested in your daily life and is willing and available to help you.  Consider the following verses from the Bible:

For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. 

Sometimes you hesitate to seek God’s help because you are really not ready to let go of whatever you are holding onto.  You know that seeking His help means that you are losing something that you have had pleasure in.  

However, when you are ready and serious about letting go of your bad habits, you can find the help that you need from God.  You can pray to Him about that habit that is hurting your personal life and your marriage.

There is a verse that I have quoted and heard quoted thousands of times in my life.  It is so popular because it holds a principle that is powerful and life changing. It is buried within the verses of the longest chapter in the Bible.

Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee.

You can memorize, or just write down Bible verses that can trigger your mind to change its behaviour.  This is particularly relevant to bad habits in your thought life. When negative or sinful thoughts come into your mind, you can use a relevant Bible verse to initiate different thoughts.

Try writing down a Bible verse on a sticky note and placing it strategically where you will find it when you attempt the bad habit.  In my case, I may need to put the sticky note on my phone, so that we I wake up in the morning, I will be reminded to spend time in God’s Word first instead of my phone!   You can use the sticky note method with simple reminders as well, like “spend time with my spouse”, or “15 minutes only.” You can even set an alarm on your phone if it has become the culprit!

I have heard of people who use rubber bands on their wrists and when they are tempted to engage in a bad habit, they pop the rubber band as a trigger to change the behavior.  I am sure there are many other ways to develop psychological triggers, but it seems that, for the Christian, Bible memorization would be the best way. Use the power of the Holy Spirit and the Word of God to overcome your bad habits.

I have heard that it takes 21 days, 30 days, and 90 days to change a habit, but the truth is, that it just takes time.  According to a 2010 United Kingdom study, led by University College London research psychologist Pippa Lally, respondents reported that it took 18 to 254 days to change a habit.  Don’t be too hard on yourself if you slip up because it takes time to correct a bad habit. If you stop to think about it you have probably spent a lot of time developing the bad habit, to begin with, so you should not expect a quick fix.

Also, consider all the good habits that you have in your life.  Chances are there are some things that you are doing right, so approach your bad habits from that perspective, that you can strengthen your life more by changing certain habits.

If you take a bad habit, they actually may have been consuming more of your time than you may have initially thought, you create a void in your time.  Fill that void with something good and healthy. Instead of checking your social feeds as soon as you get up, read your Bible and pray. Instead of watching that Television show on the TV or your personal device, spend that time talking with your spouse. 

Recently, we started a new family tradition of pajama rides.  The kids all get ready for bed and we get in our van and drive for a few minutes with nowhere in particular to go.  Try this in your marriage, instead of engaging in bad habit, ride somewhere with your spouse, like the park. You could also take a walk together instead of the bad habit.

Additionally make yourself accountable to your spouse by committed time to spend with them.  Commit to watching something wholesome with your spouse or just spending deliberate time together.

7 Steps to Changing Bad Habits in Your Marriage

1. Acknowledge that Your Bad Habits Are a Problem in Your Marriage
2. Stop Blaming People or Circumstances for Your Bad Habits
3. Make Plans to Change Your Habits
4. Seek Help from God
5. Use a Trigger to Change Your Behavior 
6. Allow Yourself Some Time to Change
7. Replace Your Bad Habits with Good Ones

The post 7 Steps to Changing Bad Habits in Your Marriage appeared first on Fixer Upper Marriage.

An older house may need some restoration work in order to make it into a desirable place to live.  Likewise, after some time, it becomes necessary in marriage to do some restoration work.  Today, we will learn about some principles for restoring the love in your marriage.  Everyone’s marriage is at different stages or conditions, but you can use these principles regardless to offer some restoration of love and commitment in your relationship.

This is one of the most culturally overused principles, but it is a great one to use in your marriage.  Although the Bible does not use the words “Golden Rule”. The principle itself is found within its pages.

Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.

This is from one of the greatest sermons ever preached.  It was preached by Jesus, and it is as relevant now as it was back then.  In the context of the “therefore”, Jesus was talking about prayer and how God as our Heavenly Father wants to give good gifts to his children.  So the principle is, that you should give to others, what you would want to receive from them. This is a principle translates perfectly to marriage.

Let’s begin this by being selfish.  What are the things that you want your spouse to do for you?  How do you want to be treated?  Maybe you could write down these things, or just make a mental list in your mind.  There are probably some things in your marriage that your mate is failing to do that are real obvious to you.  

You may really want something as simple as a back-rub, or something as challenging as a weekend getaway.  Whatever those things are, its OK to consider those things. Chances are, your list has a few main things at the top, but can go on for awhile.

Now you can flip the table and give those same things to your spouse to best of your ability.  For example, you could offer a relaxing back-rub to your spouse. In giving yourself away you discover the real meaning of love.

Become a student of the person that you love.  Notice the things that they like and want. The following are a few guidelines for studying your spouse.

It is easy to become distracted in looking at the things you are interested in at the store.  Stop and watch how your spouse reacts to things. in this way, you can find things that they want, without them telling you.  It is incredibly intimate to be able to give your spouse something that they want, without them having to ask for it.  It says that you care about what they want, and that you are interested in them.

You spend your money on things that you consider important to you.  Before you spend money on you, spend it on your spouse first. This sends an unmistakable message to your spouse that you care about them.  Moreover, this may have the bonus effect of prompting your spouse to give you those things that you want.

For example, of late my wife has developed an interest in Panda Bears!  We saw them at the National Zoo last fall and since then she has followed them in the news and through social media.  While shopping with me, my 5 year old daughter found a large stuffed Panda and asked me to get it for her mother. My daughter had noticed that Panda’s brought joy to my wife and saw an opportunity.  Notice and look for those things that bring your spouse joy, they may be more simple than you may think.

Also, by giving your spouse a back-rub, a head rub, or even a foot massage in the way that they like, you give them something valuable that costs you absolutely nothing.  You can have a great marriage and make each other happy without having to spend anything!

A couple of weeks ago, I presented the 6 second hug challenge to our class.  The prescription was to hug your spouse twice a day for at least 6 seconds. That assignment has brought a lot of joy to our marriage.  It helps us feel connected and brings a special moment of joy to my wife. Therefore, I have decided to implement this permanently (as much as possible) into our marriage!

Here are few more ideas:

1. Make your spouse a cup of coffee the way that they like it.
2. Buy your wife her favorite flower, or chocolates.
3. Leave a love note in a place that your spouse can find in their daily routines.
4. Find an old picture of a joyful moment you spent together and send it to them.
5. Use your personal gift to create something special for your spouse such as writing a poem, singing a song, or creating an artwork for them.
6. Go out of your way to do something special for them such as:

• Drive to that specific store to buy them something.
• Save up to do something special for them.
• Spend your time creating something for them.

As simple as this may sound, it can completely change your love and your marriage.  Would you want your husband to talk to you that way? Of course not! Then why would you talk to him that way just because you are having a bad day.  Would you want your wife to completely ignore you? Of course not! Then why do you ignore her when she is not giving you something that you want?

God gives us a simple command in scripture that applies perfectly to the marriage relationship.

And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.

In this simple imperative statement be ye kind one to another, God wrote the formula for maintaining a healthy marriage relationship.  Treat your spouse they way that you want them to treat you. Talk to your spouse the way that you want them to talk to you, and discover the secret to a great marriage!

Making the deliberate effort to implement this principle into your marriage can ignite a fire of passion, love, and romance back into your marriage!

In  short statement of Scripture, God lays out enormous challenge, and a key for a successful marriage and christian life.

Rejoice in the Lord alway: and again I say, Rejoice.

According to Noah Webster’s 1828 Dictionary rejoice as a transitive verb means, To experience joy and gladness in a high degree; to be exhilarated with lively and pleasurable sensations; to exult.

The rejoicing part is easy, however, the word alway is what makes this incredibly hard to live.  You are to rejoice even in the difficult times of marriage and life.  It is in the dark times, that the power of rejoicing really comes into play.  This almost seems outlandish. To think you should rejoice even when your marriage may be completely falling apart or when your life is in shambles!

However, the key is to learn to rejoice in Him instead of in your circumstances.  During the honeymoon phase of marriage, it is easy to rejoice in how great your love life is!  When you get a new car, it is easy to rejoice in that car. Nevertheless, life happens to all of us, and things happen that you absolutely cannot rejoice in!  God wants you to rejoice when your love life is not so great and your marriage is on the rocks.  God wants you to rejoice even when your circumstance are not great.

Again the key to this is to rejoice in Him and not in your circumstances.  That is after all what He is asking you to do! He is not asking you to rejoice in you problems, but to rejoice in Him.  His Grace and goodness is constant despite what you may be going through. You can always rejoice in Him! Nothing can change the fact that you are going to Heaven one day, or that you have Jesus in your heart and life.  This is what you can rejoice in, that He is a great God, and His goodness to you is without end.

Communication is imperative in any relationship, and your relationship with God is no different.  Learning how to talk to Him as friend instead of an abstract being can change your life and your marriage.  Just talk to Him about whatever is on your heart and your mind.

I don’t mean to sound disrespectful, but using cliche phrases in your prayers will not make God pay more attention to you.  Talk to Him like you would your best friend, which if you are saved that is what He should be to you anyway! I think in my many years in church that I have heard all of the cliche phrases.

The most comical is when we pray over food.  Again, I don’t mean to be disrespectful, only to illustrate a point to you.  In our house, whenever we sit down as a family to eat a meal I will pray something like this,  Thank you Lord for a good day, this food, and my wife who made it, Amen.    It is really is that simple to talk to Him.

If you attend church regularly, I am sure you have heard the famous prayer, May this food go to the nourishment of our body, and bless the hands that made it.  Do we even know what that means?  We are eating greasy fried chicken and donuts, I don’t think it is really nourishing anything!  Also, the “hands”, what about the rest of the person who made it! I know that God sees our hearts and what we really mean, but this illustrates the overall way that we talk to God.

Just talk to Him about how you feel and what is going on in your life.

It may sound a little crazy, and who knows or cares what the neighbors will think about you.  Talk to Him like is beside you. Afterall, He does live in your heart if you are saved. You can talk to Him as a friend and discover an amazing relationship with Him.  If you take the time to form words to say audibly it may make your relationship more personal with Him. Find a place like your bedroom, your car, or even the backyard to just talk to Him in private out loud.

If you talk to Him about how you feel, you may be surprised at how this changes those same feelings.  The Bible describes God as a friend on several occasions. There is the story of Abraham, who was called the “friend of God.” (see James 2:23)  God calls us His friends in His redemptive act of salvation. (see John 15:13) God is described as a close friend. (see Proverbs 18:24)

I have previously discussed writing a letter to your spouse about the problems in your relationship.  Take that same idea, and write a letter to God about what is going on in your life and in your marriage.  Writing things down can help you cope with what you may be going through. This can also help bring you closure to things that are hurtful to you or that happened to you that you don’t understand.

There is so much talk about living your dream life these day.  People are after that dream house, dream car, dream church, dream job, and even the dream marriage.  Contrary to what our society may be teaching, you can rejoice in Lord whether or not you are in a dream situation.  You can actually find the dream in the life you are living right now.

Find the little joys in what you are doing and rejoice in him.   I know some ladies who are unhappy because they are not stay at home moms.  However, I also know some ladies who are unhappy because they ARE stay at home moms.  Stop focusing so much on things that you don’t have and learn the value of what you do have.

If you are not working your dream job, but are where God wants you right now, you can rejoice in the Lord anyway!  You can make the choice to sulk about it, drive yourself crazy trying to do something else, or you can enjoy the blessing of where God has allowed you.  You may even find some things about your job, that you actually like. After all, you do have a job and are able to work.

It is the same way in marriage.  Even if you are not a princess, living in a castle with the perfect man, you can rejoice in the Lord and find the pleasure in living your life as it is now.   The secret to enjoying life, is to enjoy the opportunities that God has given to you.

One of my favorite writers, Robert Frost, wrote a poem entitled The Road Less Taken.  My younger sister even recited it for a school competition once.  In it, he talks about how a road split, and a traveler who was torn chose the one that looked less traveled on.  In marriage and in staying in love with each other, you may have to take that road less traveled.

The road of giving up on each other is beaten down, wide, and full of people.  You can choose to take the road of restoration, redemption, and rejoicing with God’s help.  You don’t have to have the ideal marriage, you just have to have each other!

Three Principles for Restoring Your Love

1. Observe the golden rule
2. Rejoice in the lord
3. Take the road less taken

The post Three Principles for Restoring Your Love appeared first on Fixer Upper Marriage.

The view from your house can add tremendous personal and financial value.  Therefore, it may be necessary to add a window or glass doors to accentuate the view of a lake, lawn, or even a wooded area.  Also, you may need to add landscaping or a water feature in order to create that view. The idea for this lesson came from our recent family vacation in the Blue Ridge Mountains where we enjoyed an amazing view from our cabin.  

It is also important to create a view in your marriage.  This may require you to make some changes to improve the view or add some features that enhance that view.  Today, we will look at how you can enjoy the view in your marriage.

As a disclaimer, it goes without saying that I take the side of the Bible in the modern so called marriage debate, that is the principle that is repeated throughout the Bible, that marriage is meant to be between one man and one woman for life.

Our cabin was high up and on a steep grade, so when you looked down, the road and the cars looked like tiny matchbox cars.  There were even some heavy equipment nearby that from our view, looked tiny. Also, there was a fairly large hotel in the distance that looked unbelievably minuscule.

Life and marriage are similar to this in that there are different ways of looking at things. You can discover different perspectives on what you are going through.  This can help you better understand what you are experiencing.

The LORD looketh from heaven; he beholdeth all the sons of men.  From the place of his habitation he looketh upon all the inhabitants of the earth.

Remember the former things of old: for I am God, and there is none else; I am God, and there is none like me,  Declaring the end from the beginning, and from ancient times the things that are not yet done, saying, My counsel shall stand, and I will do all my pleasure:

God looks down at our lives and sees things from an eternal perspective.  He sees the end from the beginning (see Isaiah 46: 9-10). From His perspective He can see not only what has happened, but what will happen.   At our rented cabin, one of my daughters would stand out on the balcony, waiting for the moment when her grandparents were turning into the entrance road. Even though her grandparents could only see what was right in front of them, she was able to see where the were going from her perspective.  

God can see what we cannot see.  Therefore, you can trust Him to direct your life because He knows what is going on!  Today, we are bombarded with influences, but He is the best influence for you and your marriage.

Having a deeper love and relationship with Him will deepen the love that you have for your spouse, because He becomes a constant in your relationship.  When all the blame is passed around, when all the the finger pointing is done, there is the stark, jolting truth that your relationship with God is the real problem in your marriage.

This week’s challenge is to pray with or for your spouse everyday this week.  That is seven prayers with your spouse in seven days. You may find this challenge particularly hard, because God is oftentimes left out of the marriage relationship.  

The following is a suggested pattern for praying together as a couple, or alone if your spouse is not available or unwilling to participate.  These are based on the principles of love from I Corinthians 13: 4-7:

Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,  Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;  Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

• Day 1- Pray for longsuffering
• Day 2- Pray for kindness
• Day 3- Pray for generosity
• Day 4- Pray for humility
• Day 5- Pray for selflessness
• Day 6- Pray for calmness
• Day 7- Pray for honesty

Look out the windows of your marriage and enjoy the view from God’s perspective.

There are two sides to every coin, and loving each other is all about seeing both sides.  Think about how you feel about your marriage, then stop and think about how your spouse may be feeling about your marriage.  To think that your spouse may be unhappy about something in your marriage, can be a life-changing event.

Sometimes you can get so wrapped up in your own self-pity and loathing, that you completely forget that marriage is ultimately an amazing partnership.  Two lives becoming one, means that the one life becomes lost in the other’s. Real love means that you become so engrossed in meeting the needs of another that you lose sight of your own.

With all the negative statistics, we have a tendency to think that just staying together is the criteria, but that is not really the right measurement.  The successful marriage is composed of two people who remain so passionately in love, that only death can separate them.

The modern woman leaves a man because she does not need him, she can have her own career and ambitions without the nuisance of a needy man.

The modern man leaves a woman because he has a right to be happy, life is too short to not get what you want out of it.

The godly couple stays together because they have made themselves completely vulnerable and dependent on each other- to experience a love that gives instead of gets.

Create some new views in your marriage by putting up a large window to see life from your spouse’s point of view.

Building a great marriage requires you to constantly add things to the landscaping- to change and adapt to changes in your life and in your marriage.  You are not the same person that you were on your wedding day. If you doubt this, take a long look at your wedding pictures and then take long look in the mirror.  Chances are you are not the same size, weight, and shape that you were then. This is just an obvious of example of how we all change over time, and this change requires you to adapt to those changes in your marriage.  

Being married is not just an event or a state of being, but a life’s journey filled with twists, turns, and abrupt changes.  Simply put, marriage is a journey through life’s seasons. It is through these seasons that love is tested and strengthened.  

The one thing that can be constant through the changes in the journey of your marriage, is the love that you have for each other.  In loving, and seeking to please one another in the changes of life, you build a love that weather the storms of life.

There is irony in the fact that hardships in marriage cause them to fall apart.  For instance, if your finances are failing, your marriage should not, it often does. Remember your honeymoon, when you could have lived on love.  As long as you had each other, nothing else mattered. Somehow, you lose sight of that and when external things fall apart, so does your marriage.

It is therefore, important to remember just how valuable your love is.  If everything in your life falls apart, you have the most important thing- each other.  It was the reason you tied the knot in the beginning, because that knot meant that you would be with the person that you could love through better or worse.

What makes marriage so special is that you have this incredible commitment to one another.  When you stood before each other and God, held hands, and said your vows it was the start of a commitment to love each other through all the ups and downs of life (there are plenty of them by the way).  

This is the part of marriage that so vividly identifies with the story of the Gospel.  To have a love that stays faithful when your spouse does not is to show the faithfulness of the love Christ even when it is not appreciated or accepted by mankind.  This means that you stay together and love even when it is not convenient for you to do so.

Throughout the journey of marriage and all its changes, to stay faithful in your commitment to love draws an unmistakable picture of His love and commitment in redemption.  Everyday of your marriage, you make the choice to love your spouse, and it is in this choice that the power of real love is revealed. When you love your wife when she loses her Barbie figure, and when you love your husband when he forgets how to be romantic, you find the joy of loving in selfless way.

One of the most amazing things about being a christian is experiencing the faith that Jesus has in you.  He believes in me so much that holds an unshakable commitment to me. In one of the most powerful verses in the Bible, God illustrates this:

What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?

You read that right, God is for YOU.  He is unwavering in His commitment in YOU.  It is not some abstract thought of God, but a specific personal belief in your value as person.  God is for YOU. He believes in you. He is set on His commitment to your benefit. This is a powerful and life changing principle, that the Gospel that was planned before the worlds were shaped, is meant for the tiny insignificant spec that is your life.

Moreover, you can change your marriage by believing in your spouse despite of all their faults and failures.  In fact, marriage also asks of your spouse to believe in your despite of all your faults and failures. There is an incredible power in believing in your spouse, sometimes, it just takes someone believing in you to prompt you to be more and do more.  Step out on limb, make yourself completely vulnerable to your spouse and believe in them!

When fixing up a house adding those windows, or that glass door, or even changing the landscape to improve the view takes decisions on your part.  Also, by making decisions to change the views from your marriage requires you to take make choices. They may be small choices every day, or larger life changing ones.

Make the decision to live each day with your spouse in the moments of marriage.  Live in the moment that your are in right now, because it will soon be gone and you can’t get it back.  When you rob yourself of moments by arguing, sulking, or neglecting, that moment is lost forever.

Stop and think about the fact that you are, in this moment, with the one person in this world that you love and that has made the commitment to love you for life.  It is in these moments, just like this one, that memories are carved into your brain that can build into an entire lifetime of love.

The words that you say, the tones that you use, and the choices that you make in the little moments that your have together are what makes your marriage special.  When you are driving down the road, and you hold and a glance at each other, it is in that moment that you can live in. When you are sitting on the love seat and are just together, it is a moment that you chose to create.  Make the little decisions to live in the moments, and the big picture of your marriage will come into focus.

It is not about the problems or the things that you can’t see or experience right now, it is about the love that God has given you to enjoy right now, in this moment.  It those few minutes or even seconds when you have the chance to connect, block out everything else, put life on hold, hit the pause button, and set your life on slow motion.  You can’t get those seconds back, the clock keeps turning around.

This life will be over soon.  It ends for everyone, and all those choices that you had to make, are gone.  It is what you do in this life, that will measure the joy and reward in the next.  In marriage, God has given you the opportunity to give yourself away and earn rewards in Heaven.  It is the marriage covenant that gives you a person to love and practice the principles of Scripture everyday.  It is the ultimate in the joy in the moments, with the reward of the joys of eternity.

Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:  But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:  For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

Live in the moments in the light of eternity

How you can enjoy the view from your marriage

1. Understand that all Things are a Matter of Perspective
2. Accept that Marriage is a Journey through Life
3. Recognize the Power of Decisions

The post How You Can Enjoy the View in Your Marriage appeared first on Fixer Upper Marriage.

Faulty electrical wiring can cause serious problems in a house that range from annoying to dangerous. You may have to add wiring or a special receptacle for certain appliances like a stove, a dryer, or a hot tub.  Recently, my parents had a some lights and small appliances that were not working. After investigating and a couple of phone calls, I discovered an electrical outlet that was completely blown out, it was even charred and burned.

 According the Electrical Safety Foundation International (FSFI) electrical systems are the third leading cause of fires in the United States and cause hundreds of deaths, injuries, and over $700 million in property damage every year.

In a similar manner, faulty wiring in your marriage can cause serious damage to occur in your relationship.  Not having the right kind of outlets or ignoring warning signs can lead to major problems in your marriage.  Moreover, not periodically inspecting for potential problems in your marriage can lead to tragedy and lost love.  Today, we will learn how to identify and fix electrical problems in your marriage.

If you find out that you have electrical problems in your house, you don’t just give up on the house.  Instead, you replace the faulty items. Marriage is the same way, but for some reason when something goes wrong people think that they should just give up on each other.  Instead of working together to fix the problem, you create a whole new set of problems that come with divorce or separation including:

• The shame of your problems becoming public. Your problems that were private are now on full display for your friends and family.

• The pieces of your marriage that are left behind.  What about the impact on your children?  They will have to live with it the rest of their lives.

• The emotional baggage that you create for yourself.  For the rest of your life, the past is hanging around your neck.  All the unresolved hurt and past problems go with you in your future relationships and even friendships with people.

I am not advocating that you learn to live with the problems in your marriage but that you work with God and your spouse to replace the things that are wrong in your marriage.  Applying Bible principles may not be the easiest way, but it is the best way to fix the problems in your marriage.

There may have been some electrical problems from the start.  The house may have been wired wrong to begin with, or it may not have been set up for modern appliances.  The ugly truth is, that when you enter into marriage you bring into it problems that you already had. In fact, you are accepting both the wonderful things that you love about your spouse and their faults when you enter into the marriage covenant.  

This is clearly exemplified in the choice of words we use in the wedding vows, for better or for worse.  You make a vow to God and your spouse that you will love, honor, and cherish each other despite your problems.  In reality, marriage is two flawed people agreeing to enter into a lifetime bond despite those flaws. When those flaws become evident, you don’t start over, you work together with God’s help to overcome those flaws as a team.

Most people’s threshold for giving up on each other is typically when your spouse stops producing happiness for you.  However, the feeling of being in love is not as important as the covenant that you make with God and your spouse in marriage. When the honeymoon part of marriage is over, the commitment part of marriage begins.  This does not mean that you can’t feel in love, but that love becomes something deeper and more meaningful.

The love relationship in marriage reveals the love that Christ has for fallen mankind.  He offers us the covenant of Redemption and Grace. When we make the choice to accept our end of the covenant, putting our faith and trust in Him (see Romans 10:4-13), an amazing relationship is established.  This is the most lopsided love relationship that could ever be imagined. He loves me with all my faults and failures. This is the type of love that should be aspired to in the christian marriage.

In one of my favorite songs, Just When You Thought, Joseph Habedank sings the following lines that summarizes this limitless threshold.

Just when you thought that His grace somehow reached the end

You find you’re forgiven again

Who is a God like unto thee, that pardoneth iniquity, and passeth by the transgression of the remnant of his heritage? he retaineth not his anger for ever, because he delighteth in mercy.  He will turn again, he will have compassion upon us; he will subdue our iniquities; and thou wilt cast all their sins into the depths of the sea.

This makes me think of a story in the Bible when an inquisitive disciple asked the Lord about where the threshold of his own forgiveness should be.  The answer was shocking, and gives a glimpse at God’s own threshold or the point when He just stops forgiving a forgetting our failures.

Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, “I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.”

In other words, God’s forgiveness ends at the point that we are not willing to accept it and repent.  The offer of His forgiveness is available regardless of our response to it. Likewise, as illustrated in the story, you should mimic this offer of love and forgiveness to those with whom you have contact with.  It goes without saying, that within the marriage covenant, the offer of grace of forgiveness to each other should only be limited by the other party’s acceptance of it.

Learn how to replace faulty things in your marriage instead of giving up.

God created our bodies to communicate by touching.  When a baby is born, his loving parents begin to touch his soft skin, playful tickle his feet, and joyful hold his tiny hands.  As we grow up touching also continues to play an important role. In fact, touching is the most intimate form of communication that you have to offer your spouse.  Simply by touching you can express joy, love, gratitude, and sympathy. In fact, you can say a thousand words by simply touching your spouse and not saying a word at all!  

In 2009, psychologist Matthew Hertenstein of DePauw University conducted a study that demonstrated that we have the ability to interpret emotions through touch alone.  He had blindfolded strangers try to communicate a list of emotions solely by touching. The emotions included:

• Anger
• Fear
• Disgust,
• Love
• Gratitude
• Sympathy
• Happiness
• Sadness

The results were shocking as the emotions were interpreted with 78 percent accuracy.  You can find more information here.

There is the story in the Bible of a desperate man with sick daughter pleading with Jesus to touch her.  In the same narrative a woman who had been sick for 12 years found healing by touching the hem of His garment. (Matthew 9: 20-22; Luke 8: 43-48).  Everyone and everything that Jesus touched during His earthly ministry was changed forever. He touched an old rugged cross and now it is a symbol of hope and salvation.

In a different but just as impacting way, the touch of Jesus changes the believing sinner in ways that are both incredible and life changing.  One touch from Him, and my life was completely changed. I was lost and living for me when He found me and touched me. Now I am saved(I’m found) and living for Him!  His touch is the most powerful touch a person could ever experience.

Deliberately touching your spouse to communicate positive emotions can rekindle passion and love in your marriage.  Just the simple act of holding hands can produce powerful feelings of love and even remove stress. In fact, scientific studies have revealed that holding your spouse’s hand significantly relieves stress.  Connecting with touch with the intent of showing love deepens the emotional connection between husband and wife.  It is like saying, I am touching you with the only intent of being with you.  You are so special and unique to me, that out of all the people in this world, I am connecting with you in this way.  

Touch each other with a lingering hug.  Try counting to six while you are hugging your spouse.  This will give your spouse time to realize the full impact of your touch.  In doing this you are connecting with your spouse and for those few seconds of time there is nothing else in the world that matters.  This week, commit to hugging at least twice a day for a count of six seconds. At the end of week, stop and write down how you think touching helps your marriage.

Also take the time to hold each other.  In the stress of life, kids, and commitments, the art of just being together and holding each other gets lost.  Hold each other with no ulterior motives or agendas, only to be together. You may be surprised at just how strong your relationship with your spouse can be.

How You Can Identify and Fix Electrical Problems in Your Marriage

1. Learn how to replace faulty things in your marriage instead of giving up
2. Learn how to use the power of touch in marriage

The post How You Can Identify and Fix Electrical Problems in Your Marriage appeared first on Fixer Upper Marriage.

Cleaning Out Your Fixer Upper

FixerUpperMarriage.org/ThrowOut

Cleaning up a house involves throwing useless and unnecessary things out.  To do this you must go through everything and make many little decisions about what to keep and what to throw out. In fact the time of this lesson (May of 2019) there is a social media and television phenomenon called the KonMari method.  It is based on the teaching of author and reality TV star Marie Kondo and includes going through your possessions after you pile everything up and helps you make decisions about throwing things out based on what sparks joy to you.  In fact, it has become so popular that donation centers have become overrun with goods.

I have to admit here, that my wife and I have been making loose plans to do something similar in our house.  We have even practiced the KonMari folding method! Overtime, clothes that you no longer wear, and items that no longer work just add up to the point that some things need to be thrown out.

There are also things in your marriage that you need to decide to throw out so that you can have better marriage.  Getting rid of these things can make a huge difference in your relationship. It only requires some decisions and effort on your part.

In this lesson, we will consider three things you should throw out of your marriage.

As a teenager I remember vividly the pressure of my peer group to wear certain clothes or shoes, listen to current culturally acceptable music, and even to have an attitude toward adults.  Although, it is most obvious in youth, it is actually just impactful in grown ups! This pressure actually follows you throughout your life as you psychologically seek to be accepted by whatever peer group you choose to involve yourself in.  

As a teenager, it was sneakers that I wanted because my peers had them.  I remember my parents expression at me wanting $100.00 shoes that were really no better than the $20.00 ones!  It the same basic pressure in adulthood, but compounded in larger ways. Things like, a name brand clothing, electronics, late model cars, and even houses that we have to have simply because everyone else has them.

This pressure can have a huge impact on your marriage.  You can purchase things that are not realistic to your budget.  In buying things, or involving yourself in things just because you want to be viewed as “cool” as we used to say, can put enormous pressure on your marriage.  How are you going to pay for these things? You may have to do without things that you really need to have things that you only want.

Understanding the difference between what you need and want can help you to spurn the pressure of being like everyone else.  For example, I really want a classic 1967 Chevy Camaro to drive back and forth to work. However, I have what I need to commute to work in our 15 year old minivan.  Likewise, you may actually have what you need, but are confusing those with what you want, or what your peers decide that you need.

Speaking frankly,  I don’t personally know anyone who is not impacted or involved in some sort of social media platform.  Even those who shune Instagram or Facebook, are involved in other platforms like Youtube, Pinterest, or LinkedIn.  This has a profound impact on marriage, because it expands your peer group to world wide. Now there is pressure from people that you only see over electronic means.  

People posts or videos are made with the sole intent of promoting themselves whether intentional or not.  No one posts a picture of their 15 year old minivan or the small house they have lived in for 10 years. No one has a bad-hair day post or video.  Everyone’s kids are well-behaved and rarely are there any church problems. The overall effect of this is that it creates a pressure that the people who post them cannot even live up to.

The main thing is that you put you faith in the shed blood of Jesus Christ and that you do your part to spread the Gospel message.  However, this all gets losts sometimes in the peer pressure of religious groups. There is this pressure to be something or someone that you are not.

It is like an ongoing masquerade ball.  I have never been to one, but I have read about them in books, and seen them in movie scenes.  The idea is that you wear a mask at the ball and interact with people while hiding your identity.  At the end of the ball, everyone takes off the mask to reveal who they really are.

Church can become this way at times.  Everyone shows up wearing masks, pretending to be someone they are not.  There is therefore a pressure to be something you are not, a pressure to live up to a standard that no one is actually living up to, because they are wearing masks as well!  

Even though I may wear an angel mask at church, the truth is that at times I lose my temper with my wife and kids.  At times I have a grumpy day. I am even tempted to sin against God in all sorts of ways. It can actually be liberating to take off the mask and just be human and to know that you don’t have to live up to unreal standards or expectations of men. The Bible addresses this very issue in the New Testament.

If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.

There are some interesting statistics about divorce and peer pressure.  A research team headed by Rose McDermott of Brown University after analyzing two decades of data found that participants who had a divorced friend were 75% more likely to become divorced themselves.  Also, participants who a friend of a friend who were divorced were 33% more likely to become divorced themselves. You can read more about this here.   

Obviously, there are other variables to consider, but this is a trend that is clearly illustrating the power of peer pressure in marriage.  The influence that your peers have on you is definitely real and can have a negative impact on your marriage.

This is why you should throw peer pressure out of your marriage.

This may seem counterintuitive, but throwing out expectations for your spouse can absolutely revolutionize your marriage relationship.  In not setting up expectations for your spouse, you free yourself and your spouse from disappointment and frustration in marriage.

In his small book entitled the 100/0 Principle The Secret to Great Relationships, author Al Ritter explains this principle that he teaches to companies to improve their culture and productivity.  By giving 100% to a relationship and expecting 0% in return the overall culture of a workplace can be transformed.

I believe this same principle readily applies to marriage and is in fact a Bible principle.  If you commit to giving 100% to your marriage relationship you can fully experience the value of love and the life-time covenant of marriage.  This means that you completely sell out for your marriage, that you totally give it everything that you have.  You burn all your bridges and just go for it!  

However, there is as catch to this, that you expect 0% from your spouse.  This means that you are so committed to your relationship that you give everything when it seems like your spouse is giving absolutely nothing.  The result is that you get to experience the joy of giving in a biblically principled way. Also, when your spouse see this, they may actually begin investing more in the relationship themselves.  They may start small, like 5%, but this OK since you have thrown out your expectations from them.

This kind of investment in love mirrors the story of the Gospel.  That Christ gave absolutely everything (100%) for us who had invested exactly nothing (0%) in Him.   He gave everything all the while expecting nothing in return.

For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die.  But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him.

It is this kind of love that inspires us to live for him.  Him giving 100% makes me want to give that to Him.

Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.

We love him, because he first loved us.

Also, you can change how you look at your love and marriage by turning your judgmentalism and criticism on yourself instead of your spouse.  In focusing on your own problems and contributing more to your relationship you change the thing that your can change which is you. The best way to do this is to use the Bible like a mirror.  Read it, like it has something for you to correct, listen to Bible preaching as if there is something for you in it. Ask yourself questions about your relationship to God and the way that you treat your spouse.

But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.  For if any be a hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like unto a man beholding his natural face in a glass: For he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was.

In correcting yourself with God’s help, you also begin correcting you love and relationship with your spouse.  This has the side effect of drawing your spouse to a place of correction and faith in their life. In summary, give your all to your marriage without expecting anything in return.  Throw out your expectations.

You can also develop unreal expectations for your marriage.  The dirty little secret is that all love relationships and marriages have problems.  The thing is no one advertises those problems. Maybe you have expectations for your love that are not all that realistic.  No your husband is not always prince charming with a flower in his mouth coming to romantically sweep you off your feet. Your wife is not always a beauty queen that jumps into your arms when she sees you.  Guess what, everyone has morning breath!  Everyone has problems and its OK.  You can make your marriage special if you understand this.  Throw out the expectations and be what you can be in your marriage.

There are so many things pulling at us today.  There is so much competition for your attention that your love can easily be neglected.  You don’t have to throw out the things that are distracting you, but throw out the way those things are distracting you.

Personal technology is absolutely amazing.  When I was little, the only electronic devices in our house was a small TV with rabbit ear antenna (It picked up 3 channels that we rarely were allowed to watch), a small stereo system, and an answering machine.  Wow, times have really changed over the past couple of decades. Now it seems like every house has high speed wi-fi with computers, smart phones, tablets, and big screen smart TVs.

Technology gives us great tools like the Fixer Upper Marriage podcast and website.  I was recently introduced to an app for my phone called Evernote,  I now organize all my lesson plans, recipes, and even grocery lists on it!  You can do just about anything with the little supercomputer in your pocket called a smartphone.   You can even watch TV and play games on it.

This has however taken a toll on marriage relationships.  The most obvious are the ease of access to pornography and the ability to hide relationships online from one another.  Only a few years ago, a married couple could sit in the bed together and have important, intimate conversations about life and their day.  Now, couples sit in bed and play on their electronic devices. Couples will even text while in the next room or even sitting beside each other!

The answer is not throwing out all electronics.  Although living off the grid does sound enticing. You have to learn how to prioritize your relationship and take deliberate attempts to spend undistracted time together.  

Ideas to handle electronic distractions:

1. Go on a date and agree to not get out your phones or smart watches during that time.
2. Once you are home and settled for the evening, put your devices away to make yourself available to your spouse.
3. Take a social media fast.  This includes all forms of social media including Pinterest and Youtube.
4. Go off the grid for a day with your spouse.

If you have any other ideas send an email to [email protected] and I will add to the shownotes and/or discuss them in class.

It is also important to fully realize that your spouse is the most important family that you have.  Your spouse is more important than your children, your parents, and even your closest friends. You have to maintain the love in your marriage above all these other relationships that can potential distract from your marriage.

3 Things that you should throw out of your marriage.

1. Peer Pressure
2. Expectations for Your Spouse
3. Distractions

The post 3 Things You Need to Throw Out of Your Marriage appeared first on Fixer Upper Marriage.

Nothing makes a house look nicer faster than a fresh coat of paint. The outside of a house may be painted and the inside walls can be painted and can really make a huge different in the way a house looks. Likewise, you can make your marriage better by painting over resentment and hurt. You bring things into your marriage and you create things in marriage that may cause damage in your marriage relationship.

I have a friend who is a professional painter by trade. He told me that the key to getting a good paint job is in the way that you prepare before you paint. You must thoroughly clean the walls or surface you are going to paint first. You have to carefully tape around the window panes. Also, you have to repair any cracks or holes before you attempt to paint.

Before you can paint over resentment and hurt in your marriage, you have to prepare first. You have to confront the hurt and resentment in your marriage before you can paint over them. The reason people attempt to just paint without the prep is because of the work. It is much easier to just ignore your feeling and hurts than it is to face and deal with them. Once you confront the way you are feeling, then and only then can you can begin to heal.

God already knows about your hurt and resentment, so He is the perfect person to open up to. Tell Him exactly how you feel and that you have been hurt by your spouse or by outside incidents that affect your marriage. By opening up to Him you can strengthen your relationship with Him and find healing for your heart before you try to “paint” over it in your marriage. One of the names of God is even “Counselor”. (See Isaiah 9:6) Hurts are typically tied to one incidents whereas resentment builds up overtime and has a tendency to explode if not dealt with.

One of the most pointed principles of scripture and the teachings of Jesus is the command to confront the person who has hurt you. In fact, the implication is that unless you have dealt with that hurt and resentment, you cannot give gifts to God.

Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.

We find this same principle in dealing with Church discipline:

Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.

Even in a straight regards to the relationship of a husband and a wife in the covenant of marriage, God makes this principle plain. That if you refuse to make things right with your spouse, He will refuse to respond to you until you do.

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

Your marriage relationship is too important to ruin it over something you could set down and work out together. Furthermore, in talking to your spouse about how they may have hurt you could be a moment of revelation for them. They may not have been aware how their actions or words were tearing down your relationship.

As hard as this may be, in making yourself this vulnerable to your spouse, you could save your marriage and your future. Why let things bother you for weeks, months, or even years, when you could just face them and work through them together now? Keeping your feelings in too much can be like a poison to your love in that it slowly kills your relationship. Put the kids to bed and sit down at the the dining room table and talk about it.

At times, writing down how you feel can help you process resentment, hurt, and even bitterness. If you are angry with your spouse, this helps you to distance yourself from what has happened and to see a broader view of things. You may be able to see more of the picture if you are able to step back and take a look at what happened without losing your temper or becoming flooded with emotion. This can also help you develop some empathy toward your spouse as you may come to realize why or what circumstances may have driven your spouse to do what they did. This does not resolve or excuse your spouse from wrong doing, but it allows you a chance to come to terms and forgive them for those things.

As a young married couple my wife was with child and we were so excited until things changed. After experiencing all the joys of becoming parents, in a few hours time all our joy was turned to instant mourning and pain as my wife gave birth to a stillborn baby boy. The days became darker and the nights longer. At the promptings of a dear, caring friend, my wife and I wrote a letter to our child who had gone to Heaven before us. It was the hardest thing I have ever written, but it helped me to process and come to terms with how I felt.

For whatever reason, writing things down helps put your feelings into perspective. You may or may not choose to share your letter with your spouse, but after writing it, you will be more prepared to talk logically to one another.

There a times when you may need a professional to help you work through some problems. Pastors and christian counselors are a great place to start. If you need help, it doesn’t mean that you are less of christian or that you are somehow less valuable to God, it just means you need help. You may just have to let go of your pride and self-righteousness and find someone who can help.

Preachers love to visually see a response from people, that is why a sermon almost always ends in some sort of call to action. It gives the preacher validation that all his hard work in prayer and study has accomplished something when the altars are full. Hence we call it the altar call at the end of the service as the preacher pleads with the listeners to make a decision about what they have heard. However, there are some problems that cannot be fixed with one trip to the prayer altar. In fact, it make take weeks, months, or even years of hard work to fully recover.

To many religious people there is a stigma to getting help for your problems. However, it does not have to be that way for you. Be open to getting help from a qualified individual.

By taking the time to prep before you paint, you establish a better foundation to work with. It may take extra time to tape around the windows, fill in the cracks with caulk, or apply a coat of primer, but the finished results are worth the extra time. If you can do some personal prepwork in your marriage before you try to paint over things, the beautiful improvements you can make are worth it. Now, you can paint over your feeling of resentment and hurt in marriage.

Buried in the Bible instructions for husbands and wives in Ephesians 5 is an incredible secret, that marriage is really all about the Gospel. Therefore your marriage is a picture of the amazing Grace of our Savior. In this way you are not just painting a pretty color on the wall of your marriage, you are painting a mural depicting the love that Christ has for the believing sinner.

Every time you forgive your spouse and let things go, you paint the picture of God’s forgiveness and love for you. When your kids see you have a disagreement, and then see you holding hands and loving each other, they have this image of Christ and the Church that they will never be able to get away from. Wherever they go in life, they will always have that image with them.

Additionally, considering the culture of our day, if you stay together by practicing love and forgiveness you become the exception. When people see that you have a great marriage, you can point them to your faith in Christ. Marriage between a man and woman (see Romans 1:26-28) who are right with God paints the picture of the Gospel unlike anything else in this world.

Every couple has a story. It is a story of two pasts that cross and forever change. When you met for the first time, when you realized that you were in love, when you said your wedding vows, these are the moments that make your story what it is. Everyday you can add a little more paint, and color to your love story. Living together, and loving each other is what makes your story meaningful.

Satan is an evil mastermind who is determined to ruin your love story. He knows what it means for the Gospel and he hates it. Don’t let him win, depend on the power of God and love each other despite what Satan is trying to do. He will use anything and everything he can. I have seen it and you have too. His devices come in all shapes and sizes. It can be disagreements about family, pornography, pride, resentment, and even hurts, that drive that wedge between a happily married couple.

Lest Satan should get an advantage of us: for we are not ignorant of his devices.

From the beginning of time the story of redemption and the history of man were shared by audible words from memory. For instance, Adam and Eve taught their children about creation and the living God. The story of redemption then grew with each generation until Moses finally penned the first five books of the Bible. God made words so powerful that He used them to share the Gospel of Christ with mankind. These Words are so powerful that they can change your life for eternity.

Words are incredibly powerful and enabling. Whoever said, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” was dead wrong. Words can hurt and damage a relationship more than you can imagine. You don’t have to be married long before you realize that saying the wrong thing to your spouse can absolutely devastated them. Many husbands have slain their marriage with hateful words to his wife. Many wives have driven their husbands away through the use of harsh, nagging words.

The Bible admonishes us to use words that edify instead of tearing down. It is not your place to criticize your spouse, but to support and encourage them. It becomes your responsibility within the covenant of marriage to offer words that build up your spouse.

Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.

• I love you (without and conjunctions or criticisms i.e. “but”)
• I admire you for….
• Thank you
• I am sorry
• I forgive you

Try incorporating these words more into your marriage relationship. Furthermore, take extra effort to compliment your spouse every time the opportunity arises. You will discover that this will benefit your marriage relationship overall and change negative feelings you may have towards your spouse.

Paint your marriage with beautiful words and discover the beautiful relationship that you have been missing!

Although you may have made regrettable mistakes in the past, you absolutely cannot turn back time and change things. In the 80’s a popular movie came out entitled, “Back to the Future”, in it the main character, Mary McFly finds a car than can travel back in time, but when he comes back to the future, he discovers that what he did in the past has changed the present. In the process he learned that it is best to just leave the past alone. It would be awesome if I had a time traveling Delorean so that I could travel back in time in fix the mistakes that I have made, or change the things that I said!

However, you can’t do anything about the past, you can only make the best of where you are at now. Don’t spend your time living in the past, or fretting about mistakes and failures, press on for God’s glory. Listen to the words of the Bible about things in the past.

forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,

It is also imperative to understand that you cannot predict what will happen tomorrow. Although it is great to prepare for the future, no one can really know what is going to happen. Certain behaviors can and usually leads to certain outcomes, but there are too many variable to say what is actually going to happen. You never know what sort of crisis or loss you may be facing tomorrow.

Therefore, it is important to not focus too much on the future as there are things that are completely out of your control. Notice the words of this song found in many popular hymn books today.

This was written by Ira F. Stanphill credit to:
I Know Who Holds Tomorrow lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc, Universal Music Publishing Group, Capitol Christian Music Group

I don’t know about tomorrow

I don’t worry o’er the future

Many things about tomorrow
I don’t seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand

Live in the moment with your spouse. You can never get time back, you can never get this moment back. Enjoy the moment that you are in. Enjoy being married and in love with each other now. This is the only thing in the timeline of your life you can control- the present!

You can paint over your feelings of resentment and hurt with…

1. The Story that Your Marriage Tells
2. Words of Encouragement, Grace , and Forgiveness
3. The Joys of the Here and Now

The post Painting Over Resentment and Hurt in Your Marriage appeared first on Fixer Upper Marriage.

FixerUpperMarriage.org/openup

One excellent thing you can do to a fixer upper house is to create new open spaces by tearing down walls and expanding living spaces. For example, instead of having a living room, dining room, and breakfast room, you could open up one large living area. Even opening up the kitchen can do amazing things to a home, because while working in the kitchen, you could still be a part of conversations in the living area of the house. Moreover, your marriage needs better open living spaces to foster better communication. Today we will learn a few ways to create some of those living spaces in your marriage.

Genesis 2: 15 & 20-25

When God created man, notice that one of the first things He did was to give him a job, to dress and keep the Garden of Eden. Every day, Adam had a job to do because he was a gardener by trade. This is what Adam did, and he was competent as well as knowledgeable about it. He needed no instruction manual because he was the ultimate and first do-it-yourself man. So this is where it all began, and why men desire to be needed, competent, knowledgeable, and an expert at something. God created the creature of man with an innate desire to solve problems and fix things.

As a child, I vividly recall my mother complaining that dad refused to stop for directions. He would attempt to find his way on his own even if it meant it took us longer to get to our destination. This was the DIY spirit of man at its most obvious. He loved his family, and it was his job to get us to our destination safely. He wanted to do it himself because he needed to feel competent and needed. He wanted to be important to his family. By giving up easily, it would be like admitting that he could not do his job as husband and dad by getting us where we needed to be.

Furthermore, men need the feeling of being an expert at something. The thought process goes like this, “this is what I do, this is what I am good at, and when I need help I will ask for it.” For example, since I work at the Post Office, I am an expert at shipping things, I can give you all sorts of shipping advice and even explain the entire process of how mail moves through our network. However, when my central air went out, I called my friend, Patrick, who is an expert at heating and air. As a man, I value other experts. This is the spirit of the DIY man.

Conversely, when God created a woman, he gave her a relationship instead of a job. It only took God a short dependent clause to describe Adam’s job, but it took Him five verses to describe Eve’s role. This was complete with background and details! God has a great sense of humor as can be seen in this irony! The details would define who she was and what she was about.

Eve could have kept the garden, but God gave that job to Adam. Instead, God gave her a relationship with her husband. There was not a creature that was suited to help Adam and there was not a creature available to mate with Adam. So God made a new creature to fill this role. Adam called her woman and later Eve since she would become the mother of all living (see Genesis 3:20).

Therefore women are intuitively about relationships because God made them that way. They are experts in relationships instead of jobs or tasks. It is all about how they feel, and how they can sympathize with each other or feeling sympathized with. From this world view, life is like a story with lots of background and emotional details. Whereas a man needs to do things to demonstrate his love and importance, women need to talk to demonstrate their love and acceptance. She is the in-touch woman.

In His divine wisdom and His creative personality, God put a powerful spark of love between man and woman. A fascinated Adam looked into the eyes of his Eve and saw a relationship he was desperately longing for. Then an admiring Eve looked back into the eyes of her Adam and saw a strength and protector that she hopelessly fell for. The differences that draw us into a romantic relationship are the same differences that can cause conflict in marriage.

In fully accepting and realizing these differences you can open up some new living spaces in your marriage. If you can understand and appreciate those differences, you can learn new and better ways to communicate with your spouse. It is in this newfound communication that you can strengthen the spark of love between you.

Having established the innate differences between men and women, it becomes imperative to learn how to talk to each other. Talking to each other can completely change the way your marriage works. By learning to express your wants and expectations for your relationship you can expand the living area in your fixer upper.

Women get together and talk about how they feel and even how they feel about how they feel. Everything that happens to them is somehow connected with how they feel. It is therefore in their intuitive nature to loving give advice about these feelings. Advice is a way to improve your life and make you feel better.

Men, however, have a completely different point of view. How they feel is directly related to their competence and importance. They long to feel needed and useful. Giving them advice is like questioning their meaning and purpose. To him, It feels like you are trying to change him or tell him what to do. Even though you may be meaning to constructively help, trust me, it will not be felt that way to your man. The bottom line is, if a man needs help, he will ask for it.

Unsolicited advice is the worst thing you can give to the DIY man. He will interpret this as an insult to his competence. If he doesn’t want to stop and ask directions, just trust him and give him some time to figure it out. He will love you and appreciate you to no end for trusting and believing in his ability, even if he finally has to stop and ask for directions!

Sometimes when dealing with a man, it is best not to say anything at and let your DIY man do what he does best- fix things. If you learn to respect him in this way, he will give his world and life to you. His need is to feel needed, so let him feel that way.

Whereas women deal with stress by talking about it, men deal with stress by temporarily disconnecting from it. Men express their usefulness by solving problems and fixing things, so the point of stress for men are problems that they cannot solve or fix. By completely disconnecting from those problems and immersing themselves into other problems they can solve or fix, especially without direct involvement, they are able to de-stress and then reenter the real world again.

A man may immerse himself temporarily in his favorite sports team. In this context he will take the games personally and speculate on fixing his team. I do this often with my favorite sports team, as I dissect the coach’s decisions, the play calling, and even the overall direction of the team. I also do this with politics, I can tell Venezuelan president Nicolas Maduro exactly how to fix the current economic crisis in his country! If only he would listen! By temporarily disconnecting myself and solving other problems, I am then able to return to reality and face real life again. Men do this through hobbies, sports, and even the news.

It is important to understand that men meet a need for fixing things and de-stressing in this way. It is not that they don’t care about you, or are intentionally ignoring you, they are escaping for a time in order to reconnect later. If you allow them a little time to disconnect in this way, they can later refocus their full attention later. When a man is escaping in this way he may try to listen to you, but he cannot give you 100 percent of his attention until he returns. He may say he is listening, but he may only be giving you 5 percent of his listening. This is one reason that husbands sometimes don’t remember conversations. My point is, by allowing him a little time to decompress, you allow him to fully engage with you afterward.

Also, make sure you have your man’s full attention before you begin a serious conversation with him. He may be somewhere else at the time, fixing problems that have no real consequences to him. Wait for his attention. Also, consider giving him the main point first, then fill in the details. Women love to give the backstory first and build to the main point. Men are more direct and would rather fill in the details after they know what the conversation is about.

Ironically, men are incredibly sensitive to how they feel even when they don’t realize it. As we discussed earlier, men like to have a feeling of being an expert at something. They also like being autonomous, this is the DIY aspect of manhood. If they feel you are criticizing, correcting, or trying to change them, it damages their DIY feelings. Over time, this can drive your husband away from you.

He doesn’t need you to tell him what to do, he needs you to accept and respect the man he is. This is the number 1 universal complaint of husbands, that their woman tells them what to do! Maybe, the reason he is so disconnected all the time is that he does not know how to handle the way that you make him feel. He will immerse himself in something or someone else that makes him feel needed, important, and skilled. Also, he may try to escape because he does not know how to fix the problems that you are causing him, so he will find the pleasure and rewards of fixing other things through work or hobbies.

Women de-stress by talking about their problems and how those problems make her feel. Your wife does not need you to fix those problems, just to listen to her talk about them. This is incredibly hard for a man who is a natural-born fixer to do. It becomes stressful for a man to listen to a woman when he does not understand this. He will either see it as personal criticism about him or as some problem that he needs or cannot solve.

Understand, that there is nothing for you to fix or do. Just stop and listen to what your wife is saying about how she feels. It is really not about the problems at all, but about how those problems make her feel. Therefore, it is important to your marriage that you practice listening to your wife without offering ways to fix the problems- remember it is about how she feels. The conversation is not about facts and solutions, but about feelings! Believe it or not, it is stress-relieving for your wife to talk about her problems! Men naturally stop talking and escape to deal with stress, which is the exact opposite of what they should do when dealing with their wives.

It is OK to escape to your man cave, your hobbies, or the news. However, you have to come back to real life and give your full attention to your wife. This is what she longs for, this is what she needs, and this is what you must give her in order to make your marriage what it should be, also to make it what you want it to be.

She doesn’t just want 5 percent of you or even 95 percent of you. She needs all of you to pay attention and listen to what she has to say about how she feels. This is the number 1 complaint of wives everywhere, that there their husband just doesn’t listen to them! You can change by learning to listen to your wife without trying to offer solutions or multitasking. Newsflash- men are not good at multitasking!

Having established that your wife doesn’t need you to fix the problems she is talking about and that she needs your full attention, we now can turn to the bottom line of listening to a woman. All she wants from you is for you to validate the way that she is feeling! Listen to her with empathy and actual care for what she is going through. Listen to her with genuine concern, then hold her in your arms. Comfort her for the way she must be feeling about her problems. In listening with empathy you bind your love and relationship in an unbreakable way.

By listening and understanding each other, you can divorce proof your marriage.

This how you learn to talk to your spouse, and how you can open the floor plan in your marriage.

• Realize how God made man and woman different
• Learn how to talk to your man
• Learn how to listen to your woman

The post Learn How to Talk and Listen to Your Spouse appeared first on Fixer Upper Marriage.