If you don't want to hear about Phil and I deciding to divorce skip to the 12 minute mark.

Ex sur employee Jax visits James and Ally and starts in on his hatred for LVP and Katie. Stay toxic Jax. Between Brock's fashion choices and his "career" trajectory, Scheana and Brock will go to The Valley next season. Tom and Katie are post divorce goals. We get a 3 minute montage of the Toms going through a midlife crisis and Schwartz's tattoo artist hates Sandoval more than Ariana. Jax lets Lisa know what he thinks of her in words he doesn't know what they mean. Katie and Jax have a fight that is more like a tea party while Sandoval whispers sweet nothings in Hippie's ear. Scheana and Sandoval go at it by who is going to make everything more about them and the Gang heads to San Francisco next week for their cast trip.

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The Valley is the best show Bravo has given us all year. Brittany and Jax's marriage is showing cracks. Speaking of cracks, Jesse is cracking jokes about Michelle disappearing for days with a mystery famous director. Kristen thinks she is 2 minutes pregnant and an empath. The editors do the Lord's work. Nia shares her postpartum journey. Jax turns on his leaf blower more than he turns on Brittany. I make a shocking revelation that I hate myself for regarding Jax Taylor.

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Much like my very, very distant relative Taylor Swift this week, I'm doing a double drop of my podcast. And unlike Taylor Swift this week, the VPR cast keeps cranking out music nobody has asked for. The talk of the town is Rachel's sitdown with Bethenny Frankel on one of her 100 podcasts filled with mostly ads. Scheana Shay pulls a Nick Lachey. Lala is in search for a house to host a party to see who's sperm she will be inseminated with. Sandoval is upset nobody is noticing all the work he has done on himself (minus vocal lessons). Schwartz may actually have some common money sense. Scheana hates on Jetta girls. Sandoval clutches his pearls and goes home once Scheana tells him about her new song.

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We delve more into Tammy and Lou's marriage: Spoiler alert...he was middle aged and she was 18. Gross. Sophie is buying horses and on an online chatroom with Uncle Richie while George and Lauri are playing dress up. Jeana has the very relatable problem of having a house for each of her children. Jo and Slade have an awkward getaway filled with hot air and bad baby jokes. Poor friends rule and rich friends drool.

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Oh how the pronunciation of Capri keeps me up at night. The gang dog piles on Kristen. The dogs attack Brittany and Danny while they set up a romantic night of baby making for Luke. Janet looks guilty as hell rubbing that baby bump. Michelle wonders what secrets that Kristen is keeping safe for her. Jesse wonders what dinner jacket he will wear to the gala. Jax wonders what qualifications Kristen's therapist has. Brittany wonders if she will ever have sex again. We all wonder why the f&*$ Jesse wore THAT jacket to the gala.

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Lala and Scheana reveal themselves to be two faced jealous girlies. Lala should be banned from planning parties. Katie and Schwartz play tonsil hockey with the same nanny. Sandoval takes paintball way too seriously. Ariana and Katie stay winning. Jo finally gets some self respect.

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The Valley is giving off old VPR vibes. Pronouncing Capri is keeping me up at night. Michelle is livid about Kristen spreading a rumor. Zack is livid about Kristen telling everyone he told him the rumor. Jasmine is livid about Kristen telling that Jasmine told Zack the rumor. Janet is livid about Kristen saying that Zack told her the rumor because Jasmine told him. The rumor...that Janet said that Michelle is a Republican and a racist. Only Jesse can piss me off standing up for his wife.

Ann wants to jump ship from one dirty undies wearer to a slob kabob. I pitch being Sandoval's assistant. Scheana and Brock and Schwartz have decided any camera time on VPR is going to be dedicated to auditioning for The Valley. Lala owes James $150 for pizza. Ariana uses the F word until it loses meaning. The gang can't agree who really tried to kill Mya. Beach Day was a nightmare.

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I always forget how this era of Reality TV was like the wild west. Everything goes.

This episode provides us with our first ever truly iconic housewives moment and it involves a family van. Lauri gets engaged for money and it has absolutely nothing to do with how loaded George is. Jo and Slade are on the same page about being on different pages. Uncle Richie and Slade in the same scene. My eyes! My eyes! Duff takes a trip down memory lane when he needs to get off his ass and help Tammy. Vicki's dog sitter quits before he even starts.

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Jax puts a lot of thought into his restaurant choice when he takes Kristen to lunch. Everyone is trying to make Nipplegate a thing. Luke wears his emotions on his face. Kristen and Alex play the ultimate he said/she said game. Brittany is on 1.5 speed as Jax's publicist. Janet's baby better bring the drama. Michelle and Jesse still can't stand each other.

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