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I always forget how this era of Reality TV was like the wild west. Everything goes.

This episode provides us with our first ever truly iconic housewives moment and it involves a family van. Lauri gets engaged for money and it has absolutely nothing to do with how loaded George is. Jo and Slade are on the same page about being on different pages. Uncle Richie and Slade in the same scene. My eyes! My eyes! Duff takes a trip down memory lane when he needs to get off his ass and help Tammy. Vicki's dog sitter quits before he even starts.

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Jax puts a lot of thought into his restaurant choice when he takes Kristen to lunch. Everyone is trying to make Nipplegate a thing. Luke wears his emotions on his face. Kristen and Alex play the ultimate he said/she said game. Brittany is on 1.5 speed as Jax's publicist. Janet's baby better bring the drama. Michelle and Jesse still can't stand each other.

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The BEST episode of the season so far! We have the big reveal that Schwartz and Scheana made out. 55 people need to change their privacy settings. Ariana stays winning and Lala and Scheana stay jealous. Tom's guided meditation made me want a shower for my eyes, and Brock was very willing to get in the mess. We have Mya being rescued by Ariana once again, the best one liner of the year from James Kennedy, Assistant Ann jumping ship and a 25 year old being subjected to Sandoval's flirting. Jo has a breakdown, Katie has a hookup, and Something about Her still isn't open. This episode had so much so please come back to VPR...its getting good.

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Jo heads to the Playboy Mansion and Hugh Hefner files a restraining order against Slade. Sky Tops and bejeweled jeans make a splash in the OC. Jeana stays humble and there aren't enough guard dogs at the Keough's to protect them from Uncle Richie. Lauri may have skipped the math class on degrees but she sure knows how many commas her new boyfriend George has in his bank account. We meet our new housewife Tammy who lost everything in a flood while she was babysitting for Jeana and Jeana shows Tammy her $15,000 necklace.

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I have a double header for you today as I recap both VPR and The Valley Premiere (starting around the 24 minute mark).

I start off the episode with a health update that I'm thrilled to share!

Sandoval dusts off his 20 year old pick up lines for girls that totally are not VPR fans and definitely have never heard of Scandoval. Scheana continues her Unhinged with Scheana Shay tour and throws John Mayer under the bus in the process. We get spooky Jo and a riveting turtle story. Sandoval becomes a Scott Peterson apologist. Jax is back and gives us the best 3 minutes of VPR we have had all season.

The Valley is here and the cast is a lot. Kristen is back on our screens and we have missed her. Jax is telling Kristen everyone is talking about her too...because he can't stop bringing her and her reproductive choices up. Two of the couples are way too lovely and boring but we love a good trainwreck and Jesse and Michelle are the toxic marriage that we needed to get this show going.

4/5 of the Housewives reunite to discuss the show and how it has impacted their lives and their email inboxes. The reunion set is a nightmare for the sound guy. Before Andy there was a patio end table. The ladies all got a different message on what the dress code was. Lauri and Jo have a final showdown that amounts to...nothing.

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VPR is back baby! If you have given up on this season it's time to jump back in because the mess has arrived. I am as unhinged as Scheana is in this recap so I apologize for talking at 1.5 speed and swearing like a sailor.

Scheana is over Ariana and her breakup with Sandoval being all about Ariana. How dare she? Lala is Scheana's mouthpiece, Katie is speaking on behalf of Ariana and all Ally wants to do is throw everyone out of her house and sage the place. We have too much of Jo and Lisa and too little of Katie vs. Lala. Rumors and nastiness are floating about Jax and gearing us up for the Valley/Village premiere next week. We have a Diet Coke ice cream date, astrology readings, sperm donors and all you can eat meat. This episode was so good.

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We are finally at our first Real Housewives finale in Bravo history and it's a banger. We have love triangles, diamond shopping and shitty editing and I'm here for all of it. Vicki and Jeana bid their sons farewell as they both go to college (even though I'm pretty sure Jeana has no idea where Shane is going). Lauri's dating profile is revealed to say "only red flags need apply." Slade is not following the rules from the DMV and we have our first Housewives love triangle. Slade loves Jo. Lauri loves Slade (shudder). The last minute of this finale is EVERYTHING!!!! Can't wait for the reunion next week.

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Scheana ,after starting the show on the backbone of her affair with Brandi Glanville's ex, her two televised weddings, and the cameras following her music "career"', desperately wants to know when it will finally be all about her. Brock wants to namaste the hell away from Scheana during the group's meditation. Katie and Ariana interview people who want to be indefinitely unemployed working at Something About Her. Brock and Sandoval have a sky high fight that is the most basic Hollywood bitch fight ever. Shots (of oxygen) are being inhaled on their boat day . Lala and Scheana are having a jealous girl summer while Scheana cant stay out of her IG mentions. DWTS apparently has auditions and Ariana stole Scheana's spot. It's all happening to Ariana and Katie is the only one ride or die for her.

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Lauri reveals her close friendship with Hugh Hefner. So close she needs to submit pictures to get into one of his parties. Vicki dry humps her way through her 25th high school reunion and tries to chase down her pixalated ex boyfriend. Slade pulls a Dwight Schrute. Kimberly is getting medical advice from Ask Jeeves. I have a heart attack when I find out the qualifications for an American Express black card. Kimberly's oncologist and Jo are on the same page this episode when they both cut the cancer out.

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