Found at 17 | Abandonment Wounds & Relationship Patterns

Why do you keep going back to the narcissist, even when you know exactly what he is?

You've watched the videos on gaslighting, love bombing, narcissism and trauma bonds. You could describe him in detail, down to what his childhood probably did to him. And then he texts at 11 o'clock at night, and you answer.

Last episode we talked about love bombing. In this episode of Found at 17, I'm going a step further: what happens when you recognize the behavior and recognizing it doesn't change anything? Labels can bring real relief, especially if you were told you were too sensitive. But a label answers "what is he?" It doesn't answer "what do I do?" And when your whole healing project has him as the subject, he takes up another day of your life without saying a word.

In this episode:

• Why we grab labels so fast, and the real relief they bring

• "What is he?" vs "What do I do?": why the first question keeps you stuck

• How a label can pull you into the wrong argument, and what to say instead

• Why understanding his past can become a new reason to wait

• You can't supply both people's willingness

• The skills nobody teaches: keeping your plans, asking directly, letting the silence stay uncomfortable

• The old promise underneath it: "If he chooses me, I can stop wondering what's wrong with me"

If he never changed, never apologized, and never understood what he did, what would you choose for you?

Chapters:

00:00 Knowing all the words, still going back

00:42 Three different men, the same feeling

01:50 Why labels bring real relief

02:41 "What is he?" vs "What do I do?"

03:41 Why explanations get comfortable

04:46 A label can become a reason to wait

05:43 You can't do both people's work

06:25 Insight isn't the same as change

07:13 What his attention is soothing

08:10 What would you choose for you?

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Found at 17 is for education and support, not a substitute for therapy.

Found at 17 is for women who have been left, overlooked, or never fully chosen, and who are ready to understand their abandonment wounds and break the patterns that keep repeating in love.

Is he love bombing you or does he just like you? Flowers, good morning texts, and "I've never felt this way" can look the same in the first few weeks, whether it's a romantic man or a red flag. In this episode of Found at 17, we talk about how to tell the difference between love bombing and genuine interest in early dating, why the first "no" tells you more than the gifts ever will, and why those of us with an abandonment wound can mistake intensity for being chosen. You'll also hear why labels like "love bomber" can stop you from paying attention, and how to look at what he actually does instead.

If you'd like to talk through a relationship pattern you keep landing in, the link to book a real conversation is in the show notes.

How do you ask for what you need without taking it back the second it gets uncomfortable?

I finally said what I needed, and before the other person could answer, I took it back. "I know you're busy. Never mind." Then I was upset that nothing changed.

In this episode of Found at 17, I'm talking about the "never mind" habit. If you've experienced abandonment, or learned that having needs made you harder to love, asking for something simple can start to feel like a question about whether you matter. So we answer for the other person before they've had a chance to speak. We make their excuses for them, rush to fill every pause, and then feel unheard.

I share the night I loaded the dishwasher "with passion" instead of asking for help, why so many of us brace for a reaction that belongs to someone from our past, and what changes when you stop talking and let the silence do its work.

In this episode:

• Why speaking up is only half of it: you also have to let your words stand

• How we make the other person's case for them, then feel unheard

• Is it this person you're bracing for, or someone from your past?

• Two ways the same conversation can go, and why the pause matters

• Facing the worst answer first, so it can't blindside you

• A three-step way to get it out of your head and onto paper before you ask

• When nothing changes: why repeated behavior is information

You don't have to make yourself easier to love by becoming harder to know.

My challenge for you: in the next 48 hours, when you feel that "never mind" coming, notice it. You don't have to obey it.

Chapters:

0:00 "Never mind": taking it back

0:32 The dishwasher, and why I didn't ask

1:13 Speaking up is only half of it

1:25 When a request becomes "do I matter?"

1:47 Answering for them before they can speak

2:42 The friend who cancels, and "no worries"

3:11 Where the explaining started

3:47 Is it this person, or someone from your past?

4:46 Two ways the same conversation can go

5:41 Give them the pause

6:16 Why bottling it up makes it come out charged

6:43 The real reason we don't ask

7:09 Face the worst answer first

8:09 Get it out of your head and onto paper

9:19 Try it in the next 48 hours

9:41 When nothing changes

10:02 Easier to love, harder to know

☕ If you recognized yourself in this, book a free coffee chat with me, no pressure, no pitch: https://tidycal.com/foundat17

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🔗 All my links: https://linktr.ee/unfinishedrewrite

🎧 Listen on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/found-at-17/id1893791096

Found at 17 is for education and support, not a substitute for therapy.

What if you actually know what you want—you just don’t trust yourself enough to choose it?

In this episode of Found at 17, I’m talking about something I didn’t fully recognize until I looked back at the decisions that shaped my life: how much time I spent second-guessing myself and looking for someone else to confirm that what I wanted was okay.

I stayed in an unhappy marriage about five and a half years longer than I should have partly because I couldn’t bear the thought of hearing four words: “We told you so.”

I passed on things I wanted because someone else questioned whether I knew what I was doing. I overthought decisions, looked for approval, and confused asking for advice with asking for permission.

And here's what I eventually had to learn: making a wrong decision doesn't mean you can't be trusted with your own life.

We talk about why rebellion isn't always freedom, what happens when you've spent years questioning your own judgment, and why trusting yourself doesn't mean believing you'll always get it right. It means knowing you can handle it when you don't.

I also talk about the place where I still struggle with this most—motherhood—and why understanding where our patterns come from doesn't mean we've conquered them.

If you've ever thought, I know what I want, so why can't I just make the decision? this episode is for you.

And I’ll leave you with one question:

What would you choose if you didn't have to explain your decision to anybody?

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In this episode of Found at 17, we talk about the particular pain of distancing yourself from someone who seems completely oblivious to why you've done it—and how that can make you question your own judgment, your memories, and even your sanity.

This can be especially complicated with family estrangement. When you've spent your life hearing that family is family, creating distance can bring an enormous amount of guilt. You may wonder if you're being selfish, unforgiving, dramatic, or simply a bad daughter, son, sister, brother, or parent.

But here's the thing:

Their understanding is not a prerequisite for your boundary.

You don't need someone to agree with your experience before you're allowed to change the relationship.

You don't need to prove that they're a terrible person.

You don't need everyone else to understand.

And you don't necessarily need to cut someone off completely, either. Sometimes estrangement is quiet. Sometimes you're still answering the phone, still showing up for holidays, or still saying happy birthday—but the relationship has fundamentally changed.

The harder question becomes: Are you still trying to get them to understand because you need their acknowledgment before you can trust yourself?

Maybe you've explained yourself enough.

Maybe the person who needs to understand now is you.

If you've ever found yourself thinking, I've told you a million times. How can you possibly not know why I've pulled away?—this episode is for you.

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Found at 17 — The podcast for everyone who was left without an explanation | Where we stop running and start healing.

Have you ever known something was wrong but kept talking yourself out of it?

You knew the relationship wasn't what you wanted. You knew you were unhappy. You knew you needed help. You knew you were living according to someone else's expectations—but somehow, you kept going.

That's self-abandonment.

In this episode of Found at 17, Rosanna talks about what happens when you already know the truth but aren't ready to deal with what that truth might require from you. Sometimes we're not actually confused. We're afraid of what we'll have to change, who we'll disappoint, or what other people will think.

Rosanna shares a deeply personal story about standing at a fork in the road two weeks before her wedding, knowing something she wasn't yet ready to fully hear. She also explores how family expectations, culture, religion, gender roles, and the need to be the "good" daughter, wife, or mother can teach us to override our own voice.

Because sometimes the question isn't, "What should I do?"

It's, "What do I already know—and what am I afraid will happen if I listen?"

You don't get a crystal ball. Both choices can have consequences. But you can learn to make decisions without abandoning yourself in the process.

If you've ever felt like you're ignoring your own needs, second-guessing yourself, afraid to disappoint people, or stuck at a crossroads, this episode is for you.

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Did you grow up with an emotionally unavailable parent and now find yourself choosing emotionally unavailable partners, struggling to ask for what you need, or feeling like you have to handle everything on your own?

In this episode of Found at 17, we’re talking about what emotional unavailability actually looks like—and why it can be so difficult to recognize when the parent still loved you, provided for you, and was physically present.

I share a personal story about my mother that helped me finally understand the difference between having a parent who was there and having a parent who was emotionally available.

We’ll talk about the signs of an emotionally unavailable parent, how childhood emotional neglect can shape the way you communicate and connect as an adult, why “I’m fine” can become a survival skill, and why emotionally unavailable people may not have the emotional capacity to hear, acknowledge, or take responsibility for the impact they have on you.

And then we get to the harder question: What happens when you finally understand that the person you keep reaching for may never give you the emotional connection you’ve been waiting for?

If you’ve ever wondered, “Why do I keep choosing emotionally unavailable people?” or “Why do I keep trying to get someone to finally see me?” this conversation is for you.

You can understand the pattern and still ache. You can have boundaries and still have hope. And you can stop waiting for someone else to change without having to stop loving them.

In this episode:
• Signs of an emotionally unavailable parent
• How childhood emotional neglect affects adult relationships
• How to recognize an emotionally unavailable mother or father
• Why you may become overly independent or afraid to ask for help
• Why emotionally unavailable partners can feel familiar
• The connection between emotional unavailability and relationship patterns
• What happens when a parent never acknowledges the emotional impact
• How to stop making your healing dependent on someone else's capacity to change

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You keep setting boundaries and they keep getting ignored. That's not a boundary problem — it's an access problem, and almost nobody talks about the difference. This episode breaks down the abandonment wound underneath it and the one shift that actually works.

In this episode, Rosanna breaks down why "boundary" stopped meaning anything — and introduces the concept that actually works instead: access.

We get into:

• Why you can't set a boundary on someone who never agreed to respect it
• The difference between a boundary and access — and why access is the one you actually control
• Why certain people get more of you than they've earned, just because they've "always had it"
• The role you got cast in a long time ago, and why nobody around you has updated it since
• What it really means when someone says "you've changed" — and why they're not wrong, they just don't have the information
• Why cutting people off isn't the skill everyone's treating it as

Most people don't have a boundary problem. They have an access problem — and they gave it away without ever deciding to.

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Why can’t you relax without feeling guilty? Why does sitting down, doing nothing, or doing something just for fun somehow feel like you should be doing something more productive?

In this episode of Found at 17, we’re talking about why so many of us stopped playing somewhere along the way—and why it may have less to do with getting older and more to do with what we learned growing up.

I share the story of the little girl who could spend hours building an entire Barbie city in her attic, and how that playful, hopelessly romantic part of me slowly became something I learned to put away.

We’ll talk about why rest can feel uncomfortable, why everything we do seems to need a purpose, and why you might automatically tell yourself “no” before anyone else ever gets the chance.

Because maybe you’re not just “a serious person.”

Maybe somewhere along the way, you learned that fun had to be earned.

And maybe the goal isn’t to force yourself to play again. Maybe it starts by noticing all the ways you stopped giving yourself permission.

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Why is it so hard to ask for help when you are the person everyone else relies on?

You get home exhausted. Dinner needs to be made, homework needs to be checked, laundry is waiting, someone has practice in an hour—and there are perfectly capable people around you.

But asking for help does not even cross your mind.

You just think, It’s faster if I do it myself.

And sometimes it is.

But what happens when that becomes your answer to everything?

In this episode of Found at 17, we are talking about hyper-independence, why strong and capable women can have such a hard time asking for help, why sitting down can make you feel guilty or lazy, and what happens when doing everything yourself starts leaving you exhausted and resentful.

I know this one from the inside. I have gotten much better at letting go at home, but at work I still catch myself thinking, Why would I ask for help when I can do it better and faster?

The question is not whether you can do it yourself.

You have already proven that.

The question is what it is costing you to always be the one who does.

If you are the woman everyone depends on—the one who cannot sit still, has a hard time asking for help, and would rather redo something than let somebody else do it wrong—this episode is for you.

In this episode: hyper-independence, difficulty asking for help, guilt around rest, doing everything yourself, mental load, exhaustion, nervous system patterns, and learning how to receive support.

If this felt a little too familiar, follow Found at 17 so you don't miss next Tuesday's episode. And send this one to the strong woman in your life who is probably doing everything herself right now.

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Found at 17 — the podcast for everyone who was left without an explanation.

You were left without an explanation. But you were never left without a purpose. You were Found.