There's been a lot of negative talk about the American justice system lately, and it's really been steaming my beans. Don't talk bad about something I don't understand at all! But my lack of understanding didn't stop me from fixing these so-called "problems" in one fell swoop. As a side note, as far as swoops go: For my money, it's fell or nothing. If I'm going to swoop, you can bet your bottom dollar it'll be fell.

I'm told someone called "The Queen" is dead. Apparently, this was a lady that a bunch of pasty dart-enthusiasts on an island somewhere agreed was somehow a better, more important human than the rest of them, simply because she fell out of the right vagina. It sounds silly, I know, but newborn babies really need to improve their skills in that field, and she was obviously the Babe Ruth of falling out of the right vagina (and in the exact right order, no less!). Anyway, we're re-making the British royal family in this episode.

There is only one question that needs to be answered about this podcast: Will we get the Six F's, the Fourteen L's, or the Ten B's of Rituals? Or will Cory throw us a curveball and go with an entirely different letter-number combination? Listen in eager anticipation for the answer in this thrilling episode of Free Legal Advice.

Uh-oh, there was an accident at the podcast factory! We ended up making an episode ENTIRELY out of cold opens! If you like the random nonsense of cold opens, then this is great news for you. If you like the slightly more focused nonsense of our normal topics, then just pretend that this is great news for you. Either way, great news!

We are shaking up the sports landscape, ladies and gentlemen. For the first time EVER, a new sports league is being founded. We may call it the Xtreme Football League - Congress of Industrial Organizations, or we may call it something else. We haven't settled on that yet. But that doesn't matter. Sports are a cash cow, and we're getting ready to milk that sucker twice a day.

Once again, we've decided to dish out some advice. It turns out the IRS thinks that your podcast about dispensing free legal advice must be some kind of money laundering scheme if you don't ever spend any time actually dispensing advice. So to get Johnny Law off of our backs, we've once again scoured the internet for advice requests that we can satisfy.

Are you thinking of opening a restaurant? Statistically, yes, you probably are. Today, we're here to help you out with all the tips and tricks you'll need to make sure your restaurant lasts at least a year before inevitably closing down due to your lack of basic business sense.

There are people, nay, elemental forces, that pass through our lives like a comet, burning brightly for only a brief moment, then flickering away into the infinite. I should be more specific: There are four, and only four, such things, and today we'll be examining where they are now.

Those poor movie executives. How is their industry supposed to survive when movie theaters are dying? I mean, there are almost no reported facts about the revenue of specific movies on streaming services, so I think we can safely assume that they make $0. This is a disaster! Won't someone PLEASE think of these untalented, meddling art-destroyers? If no one else will, we here at FLAP will take up the cause.

Happy August 1st, everyone! It's New Month's Day, so we're cashing in on all the people making their new month's resolutions to get in shape. Contained within this episode are absolutely ironclad, bulletproof instructions for how to get your shabby ass into American Ninja Warrior shape. Or, failing that, Portuguese Ninja Warrior shape.