Dave starts out by insisting we shouldn’t go on tangents then tenderly holds our hands as he hurls us down a Destiny/Nerd Paraphernalia/Youtube celebrity rabbit hole that lasts about 12 minutes. Then its a very Mason episode, Mason Mason Mason!!! How shall we describe all the Mason? Mason is, in his very special Mason way, being very Mason about everything. We get to hear his voice mail message, which is also his Twitter bio.

Mason is practically begging Amanda to crush his skull, bringing up the Baby Carl and her new life with Jack and then being all creepy-salacious about Amanda and Emily’s time in juvie. Mason this is not 1890 and you are not writing for the New York Journal, if you want to ask them if they dated go ahead, no need to go all yellow press on it and use the word "Sapphic".

I prove that I forgot everything I learned in law school yet again by talking about “common carrier” laws instead of an innkeeper’s duty to accommodate. I guess maybe it was just the commm that confused me but seriously, don’t go to law school kids, its a debt factory! ANYWAY rich people are rich, Nolan is adorbs, Amanda is murderous, and Emily is just barely keeping the circus together.

Emily decides Aiden has suffered through enough chest punching and has performed sufficient extracurricular penance that he is now eligible for smooches. He does seem pretty contrite but he also does seem pretty boring-handsome. Although god, not anywhere close to the most boring-handsome dude that will grace the cast of Revenge. Whats-his-face from season 4, I’m (not) looking at you. God your face is boring, I’m sorry but I can’t help it, your face is so boring!! Even though it is also handsome. But more importantly it is boring. Also bonus feature - Dave doing a ‘Scandinavian’ accent and being super pleased with it while he pretends to know what Borgen is.

We’re back, hi everyone! Thanks for tuning into our very special favorite passtime the REVENGECAST SPAZCAST PODCAST broadcast. Victoria and Conrad are getting re-married!!! And Conrad is getting framed for the only murder he didn’t commit and/or abet! I run out of words to describe how pretty Victoria is in her wedding pearls and Dave hashes out the entire plot of Demolition Man to me. Sounds pretty ok except for the whole culture wars political correctness panic premise.

Aiden is trying to get Emily to be ok with him again, but even though they shared that most intimate of moments--the thing where one person anime-flails on the other person's chest while crying--she apparently still needs more time. Mason is being remarkably Mason but believes, for now, that Fauxmanda is Amanda but Amanda makes sure Emily understands that she will 100% Frank Mason if he comes at her family again, and Baby Carl will be there to help roll the body into the ditch. He needs to learn to protect himself in preparation for blossoming into the beautiful juvie girl we all know him to be in his heart. In other goings on at the Stow Away, Creepy-Handsome Toothy Man is harassing Declan about sex and just being generally creepy and toothy in his stupid polos and dockers. How does Nolan make that preppy shit look so good?? Its so ugly on other people.

Speaking of Nolan, Nolan is crashing the Grayson’s rewedding--okay, technically he was invited but then Emily’s technically ordered him not to go unless he wanted to technically suffer the loss of his technical ability to breathe through his throat, nose, and mouth--but seriously Conrad gets hauled away in handcuffs during the first dance with Victoria so thats really something you want to see live rather than via Clam Cam. Victoria is so extremely happy as Conrad gets arrested that she gives us the first creepy smile of the season (?! is this possible? I don’t remember any others though) but she still sleeps with the mother-of-pearl-inlaid, monogramed 22 revolver he got her as a wedding present under her pillow. Awwwwwwww, she hates him so tenderly sometimes. We are pretty rough on babies in this episode, but to be fair they don’t understand words so who cares, but even if they did they apparently poop in peoples mouths (?!) so fuck those guys anyway.

I'll make a blog post tomorrow maybe!

Goodbye you beautiful moldman ;_; and Amanda too I guess

This week on Revenge: the Graysons are fighting again in that Grayson way that's less like fighting and more like doing your own thing while being snide to everyone around you while waiting for someone else to break first; see, whoever escalates the passive aggression to aggressive aggression is the real loser. So Danny is doing a sulk crawl through every room in Grayson manor hoping his mom will notice, Charlotte is spending money on Amanda in quantities just high enough to annoy Victoria, Ashley is around, Conrad is making time with his weirdly forceful whisper-insults, and they’re all pretty pissed at Victoria. To be fair, she did individually plan three separate and slightly different conspiracies with each of them. Starting from the top: as we know, she faked her death and then planned to run away with Charlotte, she then faked her kidnapping and the beating that allowed her to return from the dead with Conrad.

Wait thats only two..............................

Oh yeah! The conspiracy with Danny is where he pretends to be able to read and Victoria pretends to be proud of him.

Anyway! Everything starts getting messy when it turns out Danny did learn how to read somewhere along the line and he finds a note left by Aden that says “your mom is a big liar and was planning to run away with Charlotte and wasn’t even kidnapped.” Victoria declares a lockdown at Grayson Manor and officially bans Emily from the premises for her own good, so Emily resorts to using the faked-not-faked paternity test to force Amanda to start hanging out with the Graysons even though Jack explicitly forbade it. So yeah Jack is being a dick and Declan is stealing stuff and ughhhhhh fuck Declan I might just pretend he doesn’t exist for the rest go the show please is that ok?

Hi everyone who likes Dinnercasts! The Bloodborne Dinnercast we’ve all been waiting for has finally hatched after being in the incubator for 5 months! Many thanks to those who submitted questions and patiently waited for us to finally release this, so go ahead and listen to it, please! Sorry for the delay and we love you! (*´ ˘ `*).｡oO ( ♡ )

For those who don't know what Dinnercasts are, its when we go out to a restaurant that we hope won’t be too noisy and record a conversation over dinner about a game or TV show that we just can’t stop talking about. Background noise in this one is tolerable (again, based on Dinnercast expectations) but gets a bit loud at the end (and the very beginning!)

For anyone keeping track/curious this was at Henry Public, the same place we did the True Detective S01 Dinnercast. We got pulled turkey sandwiches. Again. They were delicious.

(thanks to Wayne for the art)

REJOICE FOR SHE IS RISEN! Victoria is back and issuing orders to Conrad just like old times. This is another long one, tangents on tangents. Tangents having tangent babies that then have even more tangent babies--when will it stop? Never, if we have anything to say about it (and we do!) Speaking of babies Danny is trying to figure out whats going on in the Grayson Global books, but Conrad told Ashley to just gave him a copy of Clifford the Big Red Dog so Danny isn’t making as much progress as he expected, he always had trouble with Clifford (look, I don't want to deny the fundamental premise of the story, but it's just creepy; does he really have to be so big?) Victoria gets Conrad to beat her up so she can come back to the Manor and just like that the Graysons are back together again! Per usual, Danny is the last person on earth to learn the Truth--that Victoria’s explosive, mid federal-witness flight death was just a ruse. Danny is pretty upset; this is the tooth fairy incident all over again (Danny got his wisdom teeth out last year, it was a rough time for the little guy.) Emily is sick of lending out three of her guest bedrooms to an inconsiderate roomie who'd rather consummate All Day Brunch with a girl, a real girl, a 3D girl(!) than take his shift at the Clam Cam station, and so she takes it out on Amanda by telling her the paternity test said Jack wasn’t the father of the (alien?) elephant fetus thats been growing for 16 months in her womb, and, frankly, of all the people that dramatically close the Toughbook in this episode Nolan was the worst at it, so no big loss there. Enjoy feeding cereal to your Ryan Gosling hug pillow on the streets, which are your new home, nerd.

ADVISORY: There comes a time in every podcast's life journey where you have to say "fuck it, we did the best we could" and put it out, loudly clipping laughter and all. We recorded this in our mostly empty apartment so the audio quality is pretty awful because it's all like ~echo echo echo~ We plan on making a podcast cave in the new house and to try to learn how to make this stuff sound better. Sorry for your earballs :(

We did it. We made it. Season 2 is upon us. We wearily rouse ourselves from our depressive torpor because, though Victoria is dead, the "Victoria Grayson 2012 Memorial Day Art Auction and Tasteful Philanthropy Gala Sponsored by the Generous and Stunning Victoria Grayson" is still on, except hosted by Ashley. To honor her fallen idol, and also because Victoria left very precise instructions in her will, Ashley wears a simple sackcloth dress and pretends to be bad at party planning so that everyone will pine all the more for the days of Victoria's generous and stunning party leadership. Emily (invited by Chorcolattea who is on furlough from rehab) shows up in a pretty red dress which confuses Danny and forces him to confront the question of why he isn’t still dating her instead of dating Ashley--I mean Croydon--who isn't even wearing a red dress or anything. Danny has a conscience again, maybe, and he spends a lot of time on Victoria's Wistfully Thinking About the Past Balcony, which he has more appropriately renamed Danny's the Before Time Sadness Place. Wooooo hangin out in mom's room, doing mom stuff!

Meanwhile on the other side of the planet (48 hours earlier), Emily has thrown herself full on into the Japanese Memory Drowning Method, wherein you drown yourself to get your memories back, which is real and you guys would know that if you'd signed up for Ronald Takeda's Official Secrets of the Japanese Revenge Masters VHS correspondence course for the reasonable price of $34.95 per tape (plus S&H). But what news from the mark? Quickly, we are enmeshed in the dark pall cast over the dawn of Season 2 by the arrival of only the most treacherous of ancient Chinese sorcerers, Shang Tsung, who, as a character, is really just a copy of that guy from Big Trouble in Little China by Jon Carpenter, so I wanna know exactly where do these white guys get off with this Asian Dark Magic Appropriation BS? 

Anyway Takeda is clearly Japanese not Chinese and furthermore clearly not even the same guy anymore! But I guess nobody had to the time to notice the old Takeda Switcheroo since we were all so busy drinking deep of the only ice-blue, Swarovski crystal eyes sufficient to rival Conrad's unquenchable sapphire glory. Btw his name is Aiden, and we know he and Ems are friends because she almost but not quite murders him after he does her her the courtesy of preventing her from drowning. Quit being so tsun-tsun Emily-kun, it's time to let your heart utau.

(So Ashley Madekwe pulls off some gorgeous glamorous-ass outfits just like everyone else on the show, I felt like its worth it to be earnest about it for one second because we’re so attached to our cartoon version of sack-cloth Cinderella Croydon that we never really talk about how cool she is, plus as @Spankminister pointed out she has a fashion blog! http://ashley-ringmybell.blogspot.com/) 

Good friend and fellow Conrad fan Spankminister joins us for the explosive finale of Revenge season one and we sure do need the extra pair of hands because plot-wise an astounding number of things happen in this episode. Emily saves Nolan from being murdered by the White Haired Man With Piercing Eyes (WHMWPE) with the help of one of the dozen lock picks she has stowed in her hair, sewn into her clothes, and grafted onto her skeleton. Once Nolan trots off to safety Emily challenges the WHMWPE to a duel in his -thoughtfully appointed- minimalist-murder-basement. There are a lot of clothes happening in the finale too, starting with almost-murdered and almost-murderer attire - respectively: Nolan’s tastefully bloodied tee opposite Emily’s rigorously casual ninja suit. Since nolan is only almost murdered we get to see him looking awesome and celebrating with 9am champagne wearing this:

Danny breaks off the engagement because Emily kissed a boy and the break up creates the perfect opening for Victoria to deliver her sickest burn yet as the long-anticipated engagement present is finally unwrapped. Emily wastes her chance with Jack because she's a WASP and Amanda comes back looking so pregnant she's about to go into labor right there in the Stow Away. Look, a lot happens in this episode just watch it, if nothing else then for the ending montage where Victoria boards the plane. Coincidentally, Conrad has to blow up another plane, and this plane isn’t even full of lame poor people, but instead is transporting the only two women he loves. Poor Connie, he does have a feeling occasionally :( I'm tongue tied over my complicated feelings about Victoria and cant get over her simple but effective use of the all black/all white sartorial metaphor also seen in Psycho. We end with all making a wish that instead of GoT blowing up, Revenge does. Alas the ship has sailed for Westeros, and Jack can’t bring it back to port despite his extant(?) sailing skills. If only we had catchy phrases! Like "An Armalarm always pays her debts" or “Victoria is coming" or “Amandas do not sow." Hm maybe give Victoria some dragons next season and the people will rally?

In this episode we learn of grief and all its stages, like Rage, Frenzy, Crossing Stuff Out with Red Sharpies, “The Barkening,” and finally, Yelling at Nolan. We flesh out the truth of Methusapup and learn the true power of Sammy, eternity dog and Our Savior. Victoria pulls out some Death Note-level intuition about where secret evidence may be hidden and--oh yes, that's right--we’re talking about the de Kooning again. Emily tries to track down the White-Haired Man (WHM) and Nolan tries to keep Emily from making a Life Altering Mistake (LAM). Aunt Carol comes back to remind Emily her parents are dead, allowing Nolan to deploy his brilliant Super Secret Mustache Plan, wherein he buys a cable guy an island in order to assume the role of Burt, cable fixer and general screw-driver-having guy. I get a little too excited about what stats Victoria would have if she were a Pathfinder character and Dave humors me, mostly. Oh and also: penis cages; we’re sorry. WILL EMILY KILL A PERSON? Will Victoria stab Lydia with a letter opener?Will Charlocta’s parent trap work? Will Conrad ever have lips? What the fuck is on Lydia’s feet?? All these mysteries and more, explored on this week's Revengecast: Eternal Runtime and My First BDSM Edition(tm)!